Title: Fifty Days
Author: smithar
Pairing(s): Kate/Jack, Kate/Sawyer
Rating: PG
Author's Note: Completely unedited fic, laden with incoherence and whatnot.
Spoilers: 2x09 - What Kate Did
Summary: Kate realizes that losing your mind is hard when you're so used to being in control.

Kate has no idea why this happened to her now, of all times. She plays back the events from the past few days, searching for a possible something that would have triggered this new phase in her metal state. But she can't find anything. In fact, things are more or less the same as they've always been. Sure, there was that issue with Sawyer... but she's sure he'll be fine now. Just fine. But otherwise, life has been good. Or as good as it can be when you're abandoned on a deserted tropical island that was once used for some kind of top secret scientific testing purposes. There's no reason why it should have happened to her. Chocolate bars and warm showers? Sawyer returned to camp and Jack being able to bring the delirious man's fever down? She should have been on fucking cloud nine.

Why now? She'd been on the island for nearly 50 days. Fifty days without a hitch in judgement or clarity. Kate has always been in control but there was nothing more terrifying than the sudden shift she felt in the world around her. Maybe it was all in her head. Her world became unhinged and she didn't know how to return to the state of control she craved and mastered.

Why did Sawyer say that? Why would Sawyer do that to her? Did Sawyer actually do those things, or is she really losing her mind? Kate thinks back to that look in Sayid's eyes, fresh from mourning and disbelief. She tries not to think about Sayid's eyes, and how they looked like he will never be the same person again. She shouldn't have missed the funeral.

He's sitting out on the beach now, with the woman who shot Shannon. Hidden behind the shroud of the jungle, Kate spies the tiny liquor bottles in their hands. They're talking, just talking, and Kate remembers what she did with a mix of wonder and distaste. He had held her close and there was nothing left for her to do, nowhere left for her to turn. Kate need control, and her mind was playing tricks on her, robbing her. Jack's lips were firm against hers, both of them hungry and wanting, full of need and desire. She had to do this, anything to get Sawyer's face out of her head, all so Kate can pretend to be something she's not. She's always aspiring and pretending for something more. But it didn't help, and she forced herself away from Jack's embrace and stumbled back towards the hatch, Sawyer's face and the truth about her past seared into her vision.

She doesn't know why the horse appeared, or why Sawyer could see it. She doesn't know if Sawyer was really speaking for Wayne or if it was a coincidence, the ramblings of a disastrously ill man. She doesn't know what Jack will think of her now. But she's stranded on a deserted island; she's got nothing but time. As long as she can be in control for another 50 days, Kate will be happy.