Fairy Godmother Shukaku
Chapter 1: An Offer Temari Can't Refuse
A/N: Yeah, yeah, I'm working on Twirlygigs, I promise. I just happened to finish this first. And if you can't use your fanfiction account to post bizarre crack stories like this, why bother to have a fanfiction account in the first place?
"Gaara's locked himself in the library."
"This house has a library?"
"Well, it does now."
"Oh. All right."
"I think maybe you should go talk to him."
"No, Temari, I really think you should go talk to him."
"Ok, let me finish my tea."
"As in, I think you should go talk to him now."
Temari sighed. One hour. That was all she asked. One hour with no dead bodies, no emotional breakdowns, and no ripped-up teddy bears. Just one hour a day when she could sit and enjoy her tea. Was that so hard for them to do?
The "library" Kankuro had referred to turned out to be the pantry. She could see where he got the library from, though. Apparently Gaara had decided on a whim to spend the night rounding up every book in the house and arranging them on the shelves. (The food that had once been on the shelves she found later, under Gaara's bed.) An ornate Persian rug had been commandeered from the living room along with a nice leather chair and an antique desk, none of which really fit into the cramped, dim space that was the pantry.
"You're like family to me, Temari. Name your wish," the silhouette behind the desk said in a silky Italian accent.
"I want to get back to my tea," she responded automatically. "So hurry up and tell me what deep-seated psychological problem is causing this so I can work it out and go back to what I was doing."
The figure stood, saying, "Oops... how are we supposed to get out from behind this desk?"
"That's what I said when you told me to move it here in the first place," griped the figure to itself, in a much more Gaara-esque voice.
"Hmm," said the other voice thoughtfully, dropping the accent. "Ok, we're just going to have to climb. Toss the gourd over first, you won't need it, 'cause if Temari tries to kill you, I'm just gonna let her."
"Always good to know you're watching out for me."
It occurred to Temari that something was very wrong. She took a few steps back as the shadow jumped onto the desk. "Uh, Kankuro? Little help?"
The door opened behind her, shedding light onto the little pseudo-mafioso.
"Holy shiitake mushrooms on a stick!" gasped Kankuro.
Temari took a brief break from being shocked and frightened to stare at him. "All right, Robin the Boy Wonder."
"Now's not the time to ridicule my choice of expressions! We've got problems!"
Gaara nodded cautiously, almost knocking the problem off his head.
"Hey, watch it!" snapped the 'problem', which appeared to be a medium-sized raccoon made entirely out of sand, as it struggled to keep its balance. "And there's really no problem."
Temari and Kankuro turned immediately to Gaara to verify this. His expression indicated that there was, in fact, a very large problem, but he didn't dare say it aloud. "Uh, guys, this is Shukaku," he gulped by way of introduction.
"Are you sure?" Kankuro asked incredulously. His picture of Shukaku always involved a butt-ugly largish sand structure that resembled an animal only if you had an active imagination and sounded like a nails and a chalkboard caught in a wood chipper.
"Of course he's sure!" grinned the raccoon. "I've recently managed to free up a little of my chakra, and I decided to use it to help out my favorite person ever. Temari, I declare myself your fairy godfather."
Temari took a step back. "Whoa. No way. I mean, I'm flattered and all... I guess... but I've had enough trouble with my real godfather."
"You have a godfather?" Kankuro and Gaara asked in unison.
"Yeah, Uncle Yashamaru. Thus the lack of enthusiasm for the second one."
"Do I have one?" Kankuro asked.
"Yeah. You lucked out. He doesn't care at all, and that's the best type of guardian there is."
"What about me?" Gaara asked.
"Nope, sorry, kiddo. By the time you rolled around Mom and Dad were out of eligible friends and sick of the whole "responsible parent" thing anyway, so they just said, 'the hell with it, if all the rest of us manage to die, the kid's probably better off without us'. And what do you know, they were right! So... uh, Shukaku-sama, it's nice of you to offer and all, but I don't really need a fairy godfather."
"Of course you need one! All girls need fairy godparents!"
"She had one," Kankuro shrugged. "Uncle Yash'. He was about as big a fairy as they make 'em."
"Why don't you pick on- I mean, be Gaara's godfather. He needs one, and you two are stuck together anyway," Temari suggested timidly.
"Well, you see, Temari-san, I've been watching you ever since you were a little girl, and I've become rather fond of you. Kind of in love with you, in fact. But, it's one of those paternalistic kind of loves that old men are prone to, where they're more worried over the happiness of the object of affection than their own."
Temari began to edge for the door subtly.
"Therefore, I have decided to dedicate my spare time to finding you a Prince Charming."
"A Prince Charming?" Temari rolled her eyes, one hand on her hip. "Come on, if you insist on helping me out, why don't you do something useful?"
"I don't know, 'Mari," Kankuro said thoughtfully. "You could use a boyfriend."
"What? Why on earth would I need some stupid boy following me around hoping for sex?"
"It wouldn't hurt you to have someone to support you for a change," Shukaku added. "You isolate yourself too much. It's not healthy. Just give love a chance."
"'Give love a chance'? How gay is that?" Temari snapped. "I know where 'love' gets you. You marry some guy you think you love, and the next thing you know you're in an abusive relationship with this asshole you were so in love with, your brother starts cross-dressing, and you have a bunch of angry unhappy kids that you can't stand the sight of."
"And a daughter who has issues with personal relationships?" Gaara asked sarcastically.
"I have issues with personal relationships? Excuse me, Mr. I-Love-Only-Myself? I did NOT just hear those words pass your lips!"
"He's right, though, Temari," Kankuro joined in. "You do avoid letting anyone, boys especially, get too close to you,"
"And now Laugh-To-Hide-The-Pain Kankuro joins in!" Temari exclaimed with a bitter laugh. "Why is it that if a girl doesn't want to spend her life fawning over some guy, she's automatically got "Issues"? Just because I want something besides a house and kids and a dog doesn't mean that I'm crazy!" she yelled, storming out of the pantry and slamming the door behind her, off to heat up her tea again and get back to her morning.
"I love your sister, Gaar-gaar," Shukaku muttered.
"I know you do, Shuka," Gaara sighed.
"I wish you two had talked to me first. I'd of told you she'd react like this," Kankuro admonished.
"I tried to warn him!" objected Gaara. "He just doesn't trust me."
"Our sister has this thing about men controlling her," Kankuro explained to the sandy deity on his brother's head. "Or helping her, or beating her at something, or liking her, or really, just with men in general. Maybe you should forget the whole fairy godfather thing. Not the overall scheme, mind you. I'm all for setting her up with someone, but if I was you, I'd become her fairy godmother. It shouldn't be too big of a leap, since you're already Gaara's mom and all."
Gaara winced. The biggest mistake of his life had been confiding in his siblings that for the longest time he had thought of Shukaku as his mother. It was a running joke among them that he had no ability to stop. Sort of like how in Konoha he was forever branded as "that kid who almost lost to Team Gai's comic relief character during the Chunin Exams".
"I like the way this kid thinks," Shukaku muttered. "Very well! Gaara! Take a memo! Dearest–,"