It Will Be Okay

Disclaimer: I don't own anything officially related to Supernatural.

A/N: This goes along with the little bit of angst that wouldn't get out of my head – It's Not Okay.

oooOOOooo

John Winchester waited in the darkness. He willingly gave up his life to save his oldest son and now he would remain here until his fate was decided. He couldn't see his children, but he could feel them.

Sammy, we spent so much time fighting. I told you that half the time I didn't know what we were fighting about and that's true. I didn't know specifically, but I did understand it. You were struggling for independence. I was your father, Dean your big brother – you just wanted to find your own way and you were rebelling against authority. It made sense you wouldn't rebel against Dean – he was always there for you when I wasn't. I spent so much time way from you boys when you were growing up and all you had was each other. Even when I was physically with you, a lot of the time I still wasn't there.

I know you wanted more than I was able to give; you wanted a normal life and I just wasn't able to do that for you. You don't think you can have that now, but I know you can. It won't be easy; the visions will make it harder, but I know you can do whatever you put your mind to.

And don't worry, Sammy. I didn't die thinking you hated me. I just hope you know that I loved you – I will always love you.

Dean. I feel so much pain and anger coming from you. It's my fault and I'm sorry. I always put so much on you. Too much. I made you grow up too fast, I made you responsible for things you never should have been. It was my job to take care of Sam, not yours. He never should have been your responsibility. But, Son, I am so proud of how you did it. All the good things Sam is are more because of you than me. I'm also proud of you for taking care of me when it should have been the other way around. I wouldn't have made it without you.

I finally realized I needed to apologize to you for the things I'd done, but I only had so much time left and there was something else I had to tell you too. I guess it was something I should have told you when I could still be around to help – anyway, Son, I know you'll be able to handle it, but I'm sorry that you'll have to.

Dean, I want the same thing for you that I want for Sam. I want you to have a life. Hunting doesn't have to be all you do, it doesn't have to be all you are.

I know you're angry and I know you don't know what to do with it. You're going to have to do something you're not used to. You're going to have to lean on your brother like you've always let him lean on you. He loves you, Dean. He would do anything for you. Let him.

Boys, I never expected finding this demon would take so long. I never expected the need for revenge to overtake my life – your lives. Don't make the same mistakes I did.

And I promise that it will be okay.