Baby Got Wand
By: Airelle Vilka
Professor of Illusions
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Disclaimer: I don't own Sir Mix-a-lot's "Baby Got Back" or Harry Potter, or Snape (although I'd looove to). I don't own Malfoy, either. Thank God for that. :)

WARNING: MATURE. And to all my pals: This is the only thing of its kind I've ever written, don't be scared. I don't know what was in that Pepsi...

This is a tribute to Mr. Malfoy, whom I don't actually like. (But the thought of me writing like that about my beloved Snape *walks off laughing hysterically* He'd kill me.) KUDOS TO METMA MANDY, THIS IS ALL HER FAULT, SHE GAVE ME THE IDEA, AND I CANNOT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. Check out her "Baby Got Scar." Credit to Mandy, I love you!!! :)
P.S. I have no idea why Herm's singing part of this...


Prelude: *Hermione and another Gryffindor talking*
Oh, my God, Hermione. Look at his wand. It is SO big. He looks like one of those Slytherin girls' boyfriends. Who understands those Slytherin girls? They only talk to him because he looks like a total sex god! I mean, his wand, it's just so big. I can't's just so long. It's just out there. He's just!

*Hermione, alone*
I like big wands and I cannot lie
You other ladies can't deny
That when Draco walks in with an itty-bitty waist
And that long wand in your face
You get hot!
You wanna pull up tough,
Cause you notice that wand was stuff
Those flowin' black robes he's wearin'
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wich ya
And take a Muggle picture
My girlfriends tried to warn me
But that wand you've got makes me so horny.

*Pansy Parkinson stands up and pushes Herm out of the way*

Ooh, all that pale skin
You say you wanna get on my broom?
Well shock me, rock me, cause you ain't that average hottie.
I seen ya dancin'. To hell with romancin'.
One hundred volt, (Harry's a dolt), YOU got it goin' like a Firebolt.
I'm tired of Daily Prophets, sayin' small wands are the thing
Take the average witch and ask her that:
The Malfoy Fan Club's back!

So ladies (yeah) ladies (yeah)
D'you love Draco Malfoy's wand? (hell yeah)
So shake it, shake it, use that magic wand.
Baby got wand!
(Gorgeous face with a killer wand, yeah!)
Draco got wand!
(Gorgeous face with a killer wand, yeah!)

*Slytherin girls dressed like snake charmers strut onto the stage*

I like 'em big, not small.
And when I'm throwin' a ball
I just can't help myself
I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's the scandal:

I wanna get him home and
Uh, shake that wand, uh, uh
I ain't talkin' bout PlayWitch
Next to Malfoy, those guys can go to the ditch
I want him real wicked and sexy
So gimme Draco on the double
Slytherin girls in trouble
Beggin' for a Malfoy to gobble
So I'm lookin' at Witch Weekly
Goody-two-shoes and Potter galore
You can keep 'em scarred freaks
I'll have Draco any day of the week!

A word to all those Malfoys:
I wanna get wid ya; I won't cry or hit ya
But ya gotta be ready when I say wanna
do magic 'til the break of dawn.
Baby, he's got it goin' on!
Gryffindors won't like this song
'Cause they only like to play Quidditch
Draco'd rather stay and play other things

*little pint-sized witch singing*

Malfoy's hot, Rotter's not!
Just look at that wand he's got!

So ladies (yeah) ladies (yeah)
Does your wiz have a big wand, ladies? (yeah)
Turn around, stick it out
All us witches got to shout.
Baby got wand.

Spoken Interlude:
Yeah Baby, when it comes to wands, Ollivander's ain't got nothin' to do with my selection. 12 inches, heh, only if that's the tip!

So your wizard rides a Firebolt
Playing Seeker for Gryffindor
But a Malfoy has skill and that's no lie
We Slytherin witches don't want none unless you're Draco hun!
You can whittle it and sharpen
But please don't lose that wand
Jealous wizards play that hard role
And tell us Malfoy's wand ain't gold
So they diss him
and hiss (at) him
But I wanna ride up quick and kiss him.
So Gryffies say he's mean
I say "Go and eat your spleen!"
'Cause his silver hair and his wand are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' about stickin'
To the little boys on the Gryffindor team?
You ain't it darling.
Give me a Malfoy, I can't resist him,
He's the hot-rod, can't miss him.
Hermione tried to dis
'Cause a Malfoy's on my list
She had game but she chose to hit him
And I pull up quick to get wid him
So if you want a Malfoy, hun
And you want to have some fun,
Dial 1-800-DRACORULES, and Potter----kiss our bum!
Baby got wand!!!!!


Snape: What were you smoking when you wrote that?
Airelle: No idea. But be glad it wasn't about you. Malfoy was the only other Slytherin I knew....I mean, I cannot write something like that about Crabbe or Goyle......hehehe. But I REALLY WANTED TO write that song about you.
Snape: You WHAT??!!!???
Airelle: *grins*

Another Note: I am NOT a Gryffindor hater, by the way. :) I may not like Malfoy, but I love my Potions Master..... ;)