By: Firefury Amahira
Disclaimer: Nope, don't own DP. How many times do I have to beat people over the head with it before it's simply assumed?
Author's Note: Just when you thought it was safe, that the Sueicide by Nasty Sauce had finished them off... Sequel to Desperate Measures and Mutually Assured Destruction, the finale of the Parody!Sue trilogy!
"Hey, I think she's waking up!"
Waking up? Where am I? What happened? Her thoughts were still murky as she forced herself toward full consciousness. The last thing she remembered was a blur of motion, a freefall, and an explosion.
"You can't be serious! You'll destroy us both!"
"It'll be worth it! A double Sueicide, all in a spectacular blast of burger sauce!"
"You can't honestly want to get yourself killed!"
"Nah, not really. But if it means taking you out, so be it!"
That was what happened! She'd snatched Cytheria Pyrite, the author's Earth!Sue, and taken a kamikaze plunge into the sauce tanks at the Nasty Burger! That was supposed to be a fatal plunge, but the unwilling and now twice-sporked Halfa!Sue Stephanie Amahira was pretty sure she wasn't dead.
The disgruntled brunette Mary Sue feigned continued unconsciousness, listening to the voices and trying to figure out where the author had put her now. Stephanie could tell she was lying on a surprisingly comfortable bed, and the lack of beeping likely meant she was not at a hospital.
"But how'd she survive that explosion?" The first voice she immediately recognized as belonging to Tucker. "... Without any injuries, even!"
Wait, they found me at the Nasty Burger... ur... well, what's left of it? Stephanie swore loudly to herself. If I survived the explosion, did the author's Earth!Sue walk away intact, too?
The thought of Cytheria Pyrite, the blonde airhead fangirl Mary Sue loose again made the Halfa!Sue's skin crawl. Unlike Stephanie, Cytheria accepted her Sueishness, and even reveled in it, gleefully contaminating the canon universe. On the other hand, while both were Mary Sues, Cytheria was only human and thus more bound to the laws of logic (and mortality) than Stephanie was, being she was somehow a half-ghost. Maybe the author had realized that the half-ghost Mary Sue was still her favorite and best bet.
"Tuck, I saw her change! She was probably intangible when she got caught in the blast!" The second voice was undoubtedly Danny's, and judging by the slight echo to the teen's voice, Stephanie guessed that the kid was in ghost form at the moment. He'd seen her transform? Great, this is going to be awkward.
"So she's a half-ghost." The third voice was Sam's, the goth sounded as if she was in thought. "It's not the first time you've run into one. Your arch-enemy ring any bells?"
"But I totally trashed Vlad's lab. There's no way he could get that loopy cloning operation back up so soon!"
Stephanie contemplated her options. She was still in one piece, but there were bound to be difficult questions once the twenty-something "woke up". She could come clean, break the Fourth Wall to the trio... but would they believe her? The idea of some omnipresent entity being an idiot and screwing with people wouldn't likely sit well. The author hadn't provided even the barest explanation for her ghost powers. Maybe she could make something up that was a little more believable? ... And that would be extremely Sueish of me. But I need to buy some time-!
"Did anybody get the license plate of that truck?" Stephanie mumbled, faking a slow plod to full wakefulness.
"If by 'truck' you mean 'really big explosion', sure." Sam regarded the brunette with a wary expression.
Now that she could see, Stephanie gathered that the teens had dragged her to Sam's house, if the high-end television set across the room was any indication. It made sense- the Fentons would have spazzed about some weird girl being brought into the house, and Sam had more resources at her disposal than Tucker.
"Then my next question is, did you find anybody other than me?" Stephanie had to verify Cytheria's status. If the Earth!Sue was on the loose, stopping her would have to come first. Danny and the other two exchanged looks, confused. Stephanie took that as a good sign, no Cytheria. "Because if that evil little witch came out of the blast alive, we need to fix that."
"Evil little witch-?" Danny narrowed his eyes warily. Cytheria was missing, and while the blonde girl was... a bit clingy, there hadn't been anything really wrong with her.
"Yeah." Stephanie sat up, a little stiff. "Cytheria Pyrite? She wasn't human. She was... ah... well not a ghost, but way more evil."
"Not that I'm disagreeing with you." Sam noted dryly. "But you do have some explaining to do."
Stephanie sweatdropped, the trio looked pretty resolute about some explanations. "Ah... well... y'see... it's a long story... Cytheria and I aren't exactly natives to this dimension." Inspiration struck and the Mary Sue mentally prepared to lie her way out of the awkward situation.
"Not at all! We... um... I think it's an alternate reality. We were both... ah... created! Yeah, created by this fruit loop-" Stephanie knew she was on a roll when her description of the author made Danny raise an eyebrow. "Her name is ... um... Awh Thur, and she wants to use me and Cytheria... and a whole ARMY of other constructs to take over as much of the world as possible!"
"So what are you doing here if this Awh Thur is trying to take over your world?" Tucker was the first to poke a hole in her story.
"Because..." The Halfa!Sue frowned. "I didn't agree with Awh Thur's plans, and started... a revolt! But... Awh Thur used an experimental... P.L.O.T. Device!... and stranded me here. But Cytheria was in range and got sent with me."
"Plot device?" Sam crossed her arms, tone clearly disbelieving. "What the heck is a plot device?"
"It's short for..." The brunette mentally scrambled for a suitably technical-sounding acronym. "'Portal, Linear Over-Temporal' device. A dimensional travel thingie-ma-bobber! When I found out Cytheria ended up here, I knew she would keep trying to take over, even if this wasn't the universe Awh Thur was after!"
"And we should believe you... why?" Danny inquired. "She was clingy, but I don't think she was evil."
Stephanie didn't even pause, she already knew how she could explain the Earth!Sue's evil without breaking the Fourth Wall. "I'm the construct with the weird powers." To emphasize the point, she transformed, baggy black pants and t-shirt replaced with the blue bodysuit. She turned her now glowing yellow eyes on the three teens. "But Cytheria's strengths are in mind control and thought manipulation. Think about it, looking back, don't you think it's strange how you people reacted at first to her? Would you really take a dippy hyperactive Ma-... girl into your group so easily?"
The trio exchanged looks briefly, considering the information. "Y'know, she has a point. We all just... accepted her." Danny frowned.
"Well, except Sam. I think she was jealo-" Tucker yelped when Sam elbowed him in the ribs, mouthing a silent "Shut it!" at the techno-geek.
"Wait, you're talking like you know all about us." Danny had a wide-eyed look on his face, the half-ghost was probably worrying about his secret identity.
"Well yeah-!" Stephanie shrugged. "Awh Thur was investigating alternate realities. The P.L.O.T. Device wasn't just a transport device. It could... kinda peek at other realities, too!"
"Okay, that's just creepy." Sam observed.
"So you guys didn't see Cytheria after the explosion?"
A trio of shaking heads confirmed the fact, and the Halfa!Sue exhaled a sigh of relief. One problem down, and thus far it didn't seem as if her presence was corrupting the canon yet. Still, it seemed to the blue-haired half-ghost Mary Sue that simply attacking the symptoms was not going to put an end to her war to avoid being a Mary Sue. She now had matching spork-scars under both eyes, but the author didn't seem to care, and had bent reality enough to ensure the Halfa!Sue survived. Likely so that the author could try once again to make the unwilling Sue corrupt the canon for the author's own nefarious purposes.
Wait. Bent reality? Stephanie quickly mulled over an idea. Danny had mentioned Vlad's cloning lab. That meant the fanfic was set after Reality Trip. While the Mary Sue knew that the uber-powerful Reality Gauntlet had been destroyed by Danny at the end of the movie, said destruction was vague enough that with a tactful use of Sue powers...
"Thanks for helping me out." Stephanie declared, levitating a few inches off the bed. "But I think I've got an idea to get me back to my dimension, so I can stop Awh Thur once and for all!"
The Halfa!Sue didn't heed the brief protest and shot intangible through the ceiling, laughing wickedly as she tore across the sky. Authors weren't the only ones who could have brilliant flashes of inspiration. And Stephanie Amahira was a Mary Sue with an idea, the final solution to her author problem. But first, she had to get to Wisconsin. If her Sue powers were right, Vlad Masters would be finishing up on a new device that she would need to "acquire."
Two days flying straight, and the Halfa!Sue found her target. Vlad's castle. She slipped intangible through the roof, invisibly roaming the hallways of the expansive manor as she tried to find her way to the basement. She peered through the floor, grinning when she found the lab, the billionaire himself admiring his latest creation.
"Ah, it's taken me weeks to find all these fragments, but at last, the Reality Gauntlet is-" Vlad's gloating was cut short when Stephanie divebombed the billionaire, knocking him to the floor and grabbing the gauntlet. "Oh cinnamon buns!"
"Thanks for fixing it! GottarunnowBYE!" Stephanie shouted as she made a beeline for Vlad's portal, the decidedly ticked off archvillain hot on her heels. Well, hot on her tail, to be more accurate. In a bid for more speed, the half-ghost Sue had a spectral tail rather than legs at that moment.
In an instant the Halfa!Sue was through the swirling vortex and trying to shake a really cheesed-off cheesehead from her trail. She ducked and weaved through a hailstorm of red energy blasts. Judging from the sheer volume of firepower being flung at her, Stephanie assumed she had not one, but four Vlads after her.
"Give that back you little wretch!" Vlad yelled.
"Sorry, but I need some overkill wanky firepower more than you do!" Stephanie spun and launched a volley of red blasts of her own, making her pursuers pause briefly to evade or deflect the beams.
Stephanie pulled a random door open and plunged through the doorway, slamming it shut behind her. She was fairly certain that Vlad had seen the door she went through and would be following soon, but it gave her enough of a breather to slide the gauntlet over her right arm. She took off in a random direction, tapping furiously at the gems. There were only three, how hard would it be to find the proper combination via process of elimination?
With a loud hum of power, the metal device suddenly shimmered with a yellow light. Success! Stephanie crowed with delight, pumping her currently armored fist in a show of triumph. "Praise be to the show's creators for making an absolutely Sueish device in the canon! Time to finish this, once and for ALL!"
Laughing most wickedly, the Halfa!Sue took aim with the Reality Gauntlet, channeling her Sue powers through the device. A reality-warping superweapon already, the gauntlet when coupled with the Mary Sue's reality-warping powers would enable Stephanie to do the unthinkable.
She broke through the Fourth Wall.
"Wow." Stephanie looked around from her aerial vantage. "I wanted to show up in the author's room, but this is a start."
The author's world resembled the world the Halfa!Sue had just departed, though without the cel-shading or thick outlines. Suburbia sprawled out below, rows of neat little houses with neat little green lawns, occupants absolutely oblivious to the threat looming above. How would the Mary Sue find her target?
"Think, Stephanie." The blue-haired Sue closed her eyes in thought as she landed on a rooftop. "A Mary Sue is generally a subconscious extension of the author's self-image. Like it or not, I'm linked to her, I should be able to sense her presence. Besides, I have Sue powers. ... And ghost powers."
There! She could feel it, a mental tug toward one house in particular. Invisible and intangible, Stephanie flew down through the roof. It was a two-story building, the bedroom she landed in best described as a disaster area. There was clutter everywhere, piles of laundry and a veritable stockpile of weird Japanese toys and video game junk.
"So this is the author's bedroom." Stephanie assumed, surveying the clutter. The house was largely silent, the Halfa!Sue guessed that no one was home. "But where is the witch herself-?"
Stephanie paused, straining her ears to catch a faint sound. It was music playing somewhere downstairs, she realized. Nearly drowned out by the sounds of some Finnish rock oepra band was another sound, one that made the Mary Sue's skin crawl.
The sound of typing on a computer keyboard.
The author at work.
Scowling, Stephanie phased through the floor and made her way invisibly to the computer room downstairs. The computer room was also cluttered, though not as bad as the bedroom. The Halfa!Sue nearly gasped when she finally saw the author, the girl responsible for her suffering. It was almost like looking at a mirror, the author was a blue-eyed brunette, a touch on the short side, wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt. She was typing away rapidly at the keyboard, and a glance at the monitor revealed it was the Danny Phantom fanfic that Stephanie had just escaped.
The Halfa!Sue had to smirk as she read over the author's shoulder. In the fic, Stephanie Amahira had simply vanished after stealing the Reality Gauntlet, and a very confused and angry Vlad was still scouring the Ghost Zone for the blue-haired girl.
"Shoot... I hate writer's block. What should I write now-?" The author mused aloud. "Where would Steph go with the Gauntlet?"
"Right behind you." Stephanie let herself appear, her voice making the author yelp and spin around in her computer chair.
"Stephanie-!" The author squeaked. "The Reality Gauntlet? How did you get here? You can't be here! Not even the Reality Gauntlet could break the Fourth Wall!"
"Simple, and I have you to thank for it." Stephanie smiled wickedly, raising her right arm and forming a giant white spork in her armored hand.
"Huh? Me?" The author jumped from the computer chair, backing away from the displeased Mary Sue. "I didn't let you come here!"
"I have Sue powers." Stephanie floated toward the author menacingly. Somehow, she had always thought the author would be taller in real life. "Powers that you gave me."
"Get away from me!" The author scrambled back from the Sue. "I created you!"
"Yeah, funny that." Stephanie's eyes shimmered a demented yellow in the low lighting of the computer room. "Isn't it funny how a villain's creations tend to... turn against them?"
"You wouldn't dare!" The author accused. "What happens to you without me?"
"You don't get it, do you?" Stephanie almost purred, delighting in finding a new use from some of her favorite lines from The Ultimate Enemy. "I'm still here. I still exist. That means you're a part of me. You can't write me away. I'm your avatar in the cartoon world. I am you."
"I made you, I can unmake you!" The author cried, making a dive for the computer keyboard.
"No, you can't." Stephanie darted in between the brunette and the source of the author's power. "But I can unmake you."
The author's eyes widened at the implications. "You wouldn't! Don't you think my parents and everybody would find out?"
Stephanie smiled at a new idea that came to her. She landed, spork still in hand, a pair of yellow energy rings appearing at her waist and scanning up and down her body, changing from ghost form to her human form. To an outside observer, the Halfa!Sue could have been the author's identical twin.
"They don't have to find out." Stephanie grinned, aiming the spork at the terrified author and thrust it forward, pinning the brunette author against the wall with a shriek. "I just have to replace you."
The author screamed bloody murder and squirmed, trying to get loose, to get away from the pissed off Mary Sue. It really made rather a large mess. Stephanie smirked, raising the Reality Gauntlet, the device glowing.
"I'd like to say it's been nice knowing you, but I'd be lying." In a flash of yellow, the spork and the mortally wounded author vanished, never to be seen again.
Smiling happily, Stephanie sat down at the author's vacated chair, studying the keyboard and the fanfic on the screen.
"You know, replacing a crappy author is a lot better than being a Mary Sue." Stephanie mused, as she began typing...
Author's Notes: Heehee... I finally had another "snap" moment while working on Benediction. My Mary Sue finally got to live up to the threat she made when she got to guest-spork a Suefic over on PhantomSues! (http / phantomsues. livejournal. com/ 30599.html). And thus ends my Parody!Sue series. ) Reviews and/or flames are appreciated!