Lots of founder-ish-ness in this one and of course it's utter crack…and I believe my representation of the founders is so far from canon it's actually funny, so just bear that in mind please.
Intent, the Sixth
Helga was a cold woman, cold—like frigid, like a Popsicle, except without the sugar and overall feelings of happiness…probably like half melted into some nightmare shape before being flash frozen at absolute zero.
Rowena would often roll her eyes behind the severe woman and sometimes pretend to cower behind her.
Helga, bless her frozen, black heart, never did catch on.
But there was warmth to Helga that no one ever saw. Sal had seen it though; the woman had taken him in at the age of 11, after all. She seemed drawn to lost causes, just look at Missy Weasley—Miss To-Scared-to-Tell-Anyone-Her-Real-Name—but no one was supposed to know about that.
Nonetheless, Sal had been abandoned by Morgan le Fay for various reasons that still ticked him off and Helga, finding kindness somewhere, had taken him in and taught him magic. Not that anyone would believe it since Sal had never been properly apprenticed—minor technicalities of course, as Sal would gladly prove to anyone who doubted his rather fantastic magical prowess.
But I digress; Helga had never liked the apprentice system. For the longest, she'd also been unable to be apprenticed because her father wouldn't have it—you know, the whole argument that there had to be a uterus in there somewhere, damnit! Thus she must be married off!
However, it was a slightly better deal for the man to sell his daughter to the first wizard who drooled in the vague direction of her skirt. The man happened to be a complete douche and made Helga's years of apprenticeship the worst she'd ever had. She just barely managed to escape with her life and without a kid or three and she swore she would make change.
Thus she fought a war under Morgan le Fay's guidance and after that, took in Sal and taught him magic—all the while slapping evil wizards down wherever they traveled which as anyone would tell you was not difficult because they were everywhere, and they all abused their apprentices something awful.
It didn't take long before Sal's days of learning were about to end, and Helga got it in her frozen, cold, frigid mind to make a school—go figure on that one, she'd never liked kids and couldn't tolerate Sal, though she could be warm to him…at times.
But Helga couldn't open a school on her own; she wasn't good at all the various magical subjects. So she had to track down various other talented witches and wizards, Sal got dragged into it because he had no where else to go, let's face it.
It didn't take long for Helga to hear about Rowena Ravenclaw, who'd downed a potion that made her uterus and ovaries shrivel up and die at the alter on her wedding day, and then taught herself magic…rather well, if the stories of apprentice rescue were to be believed.
Helga and Sal began journeying after the traveling witch, trying to track her down. Their journey was interrupted though by the rumors of Godric Gryffindor, who was apparently the best potions and herb master this side of the world…if you could get him to get over his shyness to talk to you.
Sal was asked to go retrieve him, while Helga went to find Rowena, they would rendezvous at the site they'd chosen to build the school at in 6 months.
It didn't more than a day to convince Godric. Sal was a persuasive little bastard if nothing else.
They met up with Rowena and Helga on their way back.
History was soon to be made.
"And that's pretty much how it went down, wouldn't you agree, Ro?"
"I would indeed, Sal. Godric, don't you agree that's how it went down?"
"Of course, darling."
"You're an idiot."
"Apparently, Helga wishes to abstain from this vote—thus, majority rules and that's how the whole thing went down."
"I do agree that you're an idiot."
"Yes, we've already established that, there's no need to re-recognize well-known facts."
"So you admit you're an idiot."
"Not in so many words—any questions?"
Jasmine rubbed her face with the too-long sleeve of her robe and demanded, "You're the best magical people the world has ever known?"
Rowena and Salazar shared a look before proclaiming, "Unfortunately."
"We're smarter in person," Rowena assured the class.
"And skinnier," Salazar added.
Rowena nodded solemnly and explained, "It's a well-known fact that portraits add about three inches."
"How do the wards work?" David asked curiously.
"Magic," Salazar replied.
"No," David said, "like seriously."
"It's seriously best that I don't tell you," Salazar replied, his voice suddenly serious. "The wards are a highly specialized bit of magic and there are some who would stop at nothing to dissect, and thus destroy, them."
"Do they involve blood magic?" David asked.
Salazar sighed and rubbed his face, replying, "How many times do we have to tell you that all the best magic involves blood."
"It's quite true," Rowena agreed with a sly smirk. "Thus the reason women are better at it than men, they practically ooze magic."
"You're disgusting!" Salazar exclaimed while Helga groaned and Godric, the damn prude, turned red and looked away.
"You've said worse," Rowena replied brightly.
"Undoubtedly," Salazar agreed, "but let's continue on with our lesson shall we?"
"What did that even mean?" Emily demanded, looking very confused.
"Ask your mummy," Salazar replied. "All of you ask your mummies or daddies, that's not our job anymore."
"Our job is to sit here and look pretty," Rowena agreed, "thank god."
"We've done out part," Salazar agreed.
"You know, we found a history book—"
"Did you?" Salazar asked, almost sounding bored. "What lies have they wrought in that one?"
"It said you were the great potions master, and he was the great spell master," Adenine declared pointing at Salazar and Godric at the respective points.
Salazar scoffed and demanded: "Godric? A spell master?"
At the same time, Rowena exclaimed, "Heaven forbid Salazar find his way within 10 feet of a cauldron!"
"Besides that," Salazar continued, "Godric's practically a squib—why do you think he had a sword?"
Rowena bit her lip at that comment and Salazar's eyebrow rose, and then they turned to look at each other and collapsed into giggles. Godric flushed bright red and covered his face.
"God, Godric! You're such a prude!" Salazar told him in annoyance.
"How he's managed to stay that way after being married to me is a great mystery," Rowena added.
"You were married?!"
"Caused quite the scandal when I kept my last name," Rowena replied with a self-satisfied smirk, "Oh my! Your class is almost over, Hogwarts, dearest, do drop the illusion now!"
All four founders immediately took on the pose they were painted in and all the students, first years, turned to look at the front of the classroom, where Morton was finishing up his lecture on whatever the class had been about.
Harry snatched his wand from the bed side table and deactivated the surveillance spells Dumbledore had placed on various articles around the room…namely a mirror Harry had a lot of fun with during third year. Dumbledore had learned his lesson that particular time.
Unfortunately, the man never seemed to retain the things he'd learned for long.
Harry jumped of his bed and retrieved his invisibility cloak from his trunk; he spelled a pair of slippers silent and put both articles of clothing on. He slipped from the dorm and headed down to the hospital wing, his bare hand trailing along the wall the entire way, her magic sending shivers up and down his spine.
Once in the hospital wing he quickly located the bed he'd been placed in about a week before and knelt down next to it.
"All right, babe, you can open up," Harry whispered, holding his palm flat to the floor.
The floor caved just before him and Harry retrieved the deed, tucking it into the waistband of his pajamas before thanking Hogwarts for all she'd done to help him.
"I'd been a-wondering when ye might be comin' up to retrieve tha'."
Harry turned and smirked at the small shadowed figure of a child, replying firmly, "You can't have it."
"I'm believin' tha' I might be able to convince ye otherwise," the child replied.
"Doubt it," Harry replied, walking to the door, "and before I forget: get the hell out of my school before I make you."
The child disappeared immediately, and Harry checked to make sure he still had the deed and that it was in fact the real deed.
This was precisely why Dumbledore could not have the deed, under any circumstances. Too many people would stop at nothing to get it, and some people didn't have the moral fiber to say no when presented with their deepest desire.
Harry meandered his way back to the tower, but decided to make a detour at Morton's classroom.
"Just how many children at this place have invisibility cloaks?" Rowena demanded as he breached the feeble wards Morton placed around his classroom the day that he'd ranted about how rude it was to break into one's personal belongings. Harry had spent the whole class staring pointedly at Ron and Hermione who had squirmed in their seats like the little worms they are whole time…Harry chose to ignore that the wards and the rant happened because he'd broken into Morton's classroom so many times.
"No clue," Harry replied, sweeping the invisibility cloak from his shoulder. "I know I have one."
"We know you have one too."
"How have you been?" Harry asked the portraits, "Bored?"
"Frightfully," Salazar replied, "the first years provide only so much amusement."
"You've been talking to the first years?" Harry demanded, wondering why it was so surprising, had he been in the same position (he decided not to try and figure in the paradox that, technically, he was in the same position) he'd have done the same thing.
"Fascinating little creatures," Salazar replied, in answer. "Though creepy crawly things are definitely not my forte, so I should not be considered an expert on what's fascinating and what isn't."
Harry smiled and replied, "As I well know."
Salazar chuckled and repeated in agreement, "As you well know."
Harry glanced at the other three portraits and saw that Helga had her arms crossed over her chest, and was studying Harry fiercely.
"Something wrong, Helga?" Harry asked after he waited to see if she would bring it up herself.
"You never told us quite how you came to be here," Helga replied slowly, thoughtfully.
"I haven't," Harry replied.
"Do tell us then," Helga said pointedly.