Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter. I'm just playing pretend with her characters with no hope of profit.
"Unacceptable. Simply unacceptable." The portrait of Draco Malfoy's great great Aunt Eunice squawked, "No better than a mudblood that one."
Draco clenched his jaw inwardly cursing his mother for the wedding "gift" she said he just had to have. "Have you ever heard of wizarding turpentine, Aunt Eunice?" He interrupted her tirade and saw confusion spread across her delicate features. "No? Well it is a new invention or rather magical adaptation of a muggle liquid solution."
Great great Aunt Eunice held her nose in the air clearly disgusted with the mention of muggle product and labor.
Draco leaned closer to the portrait to hold her attention. "One swipe of turpentine will dissolve paint from canvass clean through." The tall blond Malfoy heir stared his ancestor in the eye and smiled angelically. "Would you like me to introduce you to it?"
Eunice shuddered and sputtered in outrage. Her green eyes flashed dangerously. The artist who painted her did a marvelous job capturing the essence of who the woman once was. Eunice Atalanta Malfoy must have been a force to reckon with in life. Shame she was just a picture now.
"Think on that the next time you wish to disparage my wife."
"Draco!" Someone called from upstairs and even though he couldn't hear it he just knew Luna was giggling her pretty little head off.
"That would be my lovely wife calling. I really must dash." Draco said casually and walked away. Eunice, still seething, let loose some scathing remarks regarding the degeneration of the Malfoy line. Draco made a mental note to have her moved to the attic with the other less than cordial paintings.
He hurried along the winding corridors that made up The Calais Manor, glancing once more at the note he pulled from his pocket.
"Clever witch." Draco muttered under his breath. One simple word graced the scrap of parchment: gnome. It was his mission to use his superior intellect to surmise the final piece of a riddle concocted by one of the most confounding, albeit lovable, mind in wizarding history.
With some imaginative thinking he solved the previous two clues but this final one stumped him quite a bit. Gnome. Gnome? What in the world did gnomes have to do with anything Draco wondered? The blonde mentally ran through a list of anniversaries and decided that no gnomes, or any little people for that matter, played a part in any of them. The only gnome he ever recalled meeting was the one he managed to offend in his mother's garden. It happened a few years ago shortly before he and his wife wedded. An old gnome appeared from no where demanding that Draco remove his hand from his woman's bottom. Kanterby, the gnome, told them in no uncertain terms that such activities were best held indoors and away from the eyes of unsuspecting strangers. The gnome pointed out a female giving them a stern glare, his mate most likely, and two young gnome children staring at them with wide eyes. Draco smirked remembering fondly how mortified his normally unflappable Luna had been.
The smirk, a bonafide Malfoy trademark melted into a knowing grin. He made a sharp left turn past the ballroom to the grand staircase. Draco marched up the stairs and continued on until he came to the proverbial fork in the road. He stood there for a moment looking at one corridor, then the other, and back again.
"Weeds it is." He made his decision and passed through the archway of the aptly named hall.
Ordinarily Malfoy men left all home decorating to their partners but with a wife like Luna, Draco thought it best to provide some sort of moderating influence on his wife's more eccentric ideas. Together Draco and Luna worked extremely hard to blend their opposing tastes into something visually pleasing to them both. Each section of the Calais had a theme that complemented the overall design of the manor yet held true to its own distinct character.
"Well it certainly is… modern." Narcissa finished diplomatically.
Draco wasn't fooled in the slightest. The woman obviously hated what Luna and he did to the old place. The way the smile on her face looked set to crack was a dead giveaway. To be honest, though, watching Narcissa's features progressively tighten the further into the grand home tour they got was humorous. Still his mother's opinions meant much to the young man so her response was acceptable. Narcissa's standards were ridiculously high when it came to things like this. 'Modern' was high society code for 'incredibly tacky'. 'Incredibly tacky', however, was still leagues above whatever niceties his mother could wrap around 'unfit for a Weasley to squat in'.
"But don't you think this is too…" The Malfoy matriarch brought a dainty hand to her décolletage and groped for appropriate wording. "… different from what the Malfoy ancestors intended?"
Smiling serenely at her mother-in-law, Luna threaded her arm around Narcissa's, and patted the older woman's hand reassuringly. "It is a startling change but the Calais has been in disuse for over three hundred years. I'm sure the ancestors would love something new."
Still arm in arm Luna led Narcissa to another part of the house while a slightly bored Draco trailed the ladies at a leisurely pace observing their interactions as newly minted in-laws. They seemed to be getting on well.
Little did Draco know Narcissa Malfoy, the picture of gentility, silently called on every Deity she knew of for strength as she walked down the corridor sweeping through room after room, listening to Luna rattle on about negative and positive energies. She glanced quickly at her son standing behind her and gave him a look. It was a very mild version of the full on fire and brimstone glare she bore upon him when she suffered the indignity of discovering his quickie Las Vegas wedding to one Luna Lovegood from the front cover of that horrid Skeeter woman's tabloid Pandora.
Draco merely smiled in return utterly smitten with his new bride's eccentricities. Narcissa arched a pale eyebrow but held her tongue. She remembered what it was like to be young, stupid, and in love. Moreover the mothers' blood flowing through her veins softened her heart just a tad toward the oddity of nature constituting her daughter-in-law. Narcissa knew her son well and had never seen him smile at any other woman the way he does with Luna. For that alone Narissa would try her best to get along with the girl.
"…love takes root in the most unforgiving of environments and never releases its hold. It grows proud, free, and defiant." Luna read the passage from a shimmering golden plaque. "I wrote it myself in honor of what your son and I feel for each other. This area mirrors the love I have for him, Narcissa, it's my personal favorite I call it Weeds." Luna proudly proclaimed. The ta da was implied.
Weeds. It was indeed fitting. Apparently Luna had gone created a whole motif based on unwanted bothersome plants. Narcissa felt a migraine coming on. The matriarch took a moment to fine tune an appropriate response before she spoke.
"Dandelions are very quaint. I for one would have never been able to imagine something so creative. For the wedding, however, I do think we need to go with something more, uh, classic. Just a few touches here and there."
Luna looked down at the parchment nestled in the arms of Narcissa's house elf Twinkle. Little Twinkle had been following the Malfoy clan as unobtrusively as possible taking notes with her quill. She took her cues from her mistress and wrote down whatever necessary changes would need to be made in preparation of Draco and Luna's official nuptials. Judging from what Luna saw there was a lot.
"What sort of touches?" Luna ventured cautiously.
Narcissa's face brightened considerably. "Well Draco has informed me that your wedding theme will be 'A night in Vegas'. While I do consider it to be too flamboyant for my personal tastes I understand the sentiment. With that in mind I suspect there are a number of ways to bring a certain level of class and charm to the event. I was thinking that we could start with the ballroom chandeliers…"
The young woman's eyes glazed over as her mother in law began to explain in full detail her vision of a society wedding extravaganza.
"Help." Luna silently mouthed the words to her husband the instant Narcissa's back turned.
Laughing quietly Draco entered the garden room. Narcissa never did manage to take over their wedding or their home but Luna's reaction to the irrepressible Narcssia had been memorable. It was probably that special mother/daughter-in-law bond working its magic because the unflappable Luna Lovegood Malfoy and the coolly austere Narcissa Black Malfoy managed to drive each other to distraction time and time again.
Silvery moonlight streamed through large glass windows bathing the Calais lord in its luminescence. The tiger lilies were purring and the weepy willow blossoms beside them were, well, weeping. White candles further illuminated the room with golden brilliance. In the center of it all sat his lady, Luna Malfoy, on the floor legs akimbo beside a delicious picnic dinner.
"Took you long enough." She smiled a hint of teasing in her tone. "I didn't think I'd have the strength to keep up the warming charms." Luna gestured at the sumptuous spread still piping hot.
"Cheeky." He said as he bent down to kiss her.
"That I am." Luna fervently returned his affection.
Dinner was a romantic and thoroughly comfortable affair. Away from the prying eyes of the public Draco bore little resemblance to the cutthroat entrepreneur/aristocrat most were accustom to. He sat on the floor with Luna atop a rainbow colored blanket her friend Colin once called tie-dye. His two hundred galleon per foot shoes lay tangled with his even costlier robe off to the side. Ever helpful, Luna completed the transformation by undoing the top buttons of his dress shirt and after a second thought ruffling his carefully styled hair.
Conversation flowed naturally as the pair partook in their meal. The food was wonderful though slightly unusual and oddly enough in bite size portions . There was a healthy mixture of the couples favorite dishes in addition to more culinary adventurous stuff he might have to get drunk enough to try. He poured himself another glass of wine.
"No thank you." Luna said when Draco reached over to fill her glass as well. "I'm fine with my water."
Draco nodded and put the wine bottle down.
"Word on the street says the Quibbler is a shoe in for the Quaiser Prize this year. Any comment on that madam?"
Luna actually blushed. As junior editor of the Quibbler she'd been hearing that a lot lately and it sort of embarrassed her. The former Ravenclaw spent so long proudly waving her Quibbler banner against detractors that she didn't quite know how to handle all the public acclaim she'd been receiving lately. Her two ace reporters Clarence Olden and Octavia Lewis shocked the world with definitive proof of the existence of the Crumpled Hornsnacks and led the charge with subsequent articles pushing for protection against exploitation of the rare animals.
"I think we have a good a chance as any." Luna commented neutrally.
"Well I think you'll win the bloody thing. Who deserves it more than you?"
"Not that you're biased."
"Not that I'm at all biased." Draco agreed happily ignoring the sarcasm present. He laughed heartily as he recalled having a framed copy of the article detailing the hornsnack discovery delivered first thing in the morning to Hermione-I've-a-book-crammed-up-my ass-Weasley. Merlin I wish I could have seen her face when she opened the package I sent her. Good thing Gryffindor pride runs a mile wide or else I'd have missed her coming over to congratulate you."
Luna snorted. She didn't mean to. It wasn't nice, but some small bit of her did feel vindicated about the whole thing.
Moving closer to his wife Draco took her hand into his, and kissed it. "Is my lovely little Luna taking pleasure in another's discomfort?" He shook his head and sighed dramatically, the devilish glint never leaving his gray eyes. "Whatever am I to do with you?"
"You're a very bad influence on me Draco." Her giggle ruined any attempt of seriousness on her part. "Thanks to you I'll be kicking people while they are down in no time flat."
"That's the spirit."
"You're horrible." She laughed.
"You love me for it."
The huskiness in his tone made her shiver. A familiar warmth radiated through her when Draco caressed her skin and touched his lips to her neck. Suddenly situated in his lap Luna kissed his forehead, the tip of his nose, and nibbled at his lips till until his frustrated growl prompted her to stop her teasing and kiss him soundly.
"You know Ron and Hermione are having a baby, yeah?" Luna whispered all hot and breathy against the shell of his ear.
Caught in the heat of the moment Draco thought the words sultry until his brain registered what she actually said.
Luna pulled away to regard him fully.
"I asked if you knew of the impending arrival of Ron and Hermione's baby."
"Who cares?" Draco exclaimed incredulously and tried to pull her back into his lap where she belonged. He pouted when his hands were smacked away and sighed once more, only this time with resignation, when he saw genuine curiosity whirling around in Luna's dreamy blues.
"Everyone and their great grandmother's heard of it." The Malfoy heir waved his hand dismissively. "Frankly I'm surprised it has taken them so long to spawn given that freakish Weasley fertility. What do they have to do with us?"
The sandy blonde smiled beatifically and shrugged her shoulders. "Nothing, I was just wondering if you'd like to attend a few a Hermione's muggle Lamaze classes with me. It's quite common for women to bring partners."
She was met with a blank stare.
"Lamaze is a series of breathing and relaxation techniques pregnant women learn in order to avoid substantial medical intervention in childbirth. There's a growing homeopathic movement believing that natural methods will prove beneficial in magical births as well." Luna explained.
"Is this something you're investigating for a Quibbler article, pet?"
She raised an expectant eyebrow at her husband. "No this is strictly personal. According to my research I think it'll be a great way for couple to bond over a pregnancy."
Draco snorted. "Why on earth would we need to bond over a pregn---"
He froze and Luna saw the exact instant his nimble mind fitted all the pieces to the puzzle he thought he already solved.
"Luna are you… what I mean is…uh…are we?" His hand wandered to her belly even as his verbal skills completely deserted him.
Luna's eyes slid shut as her hand covered the one on her womb. A brilliant smile broke across her face. "Having a special delivery in seven and a half months time? Yes Draco. Yes we are. We're having---oh!" The lady of the manor was suddenly airborne when her husband gathered her in his arms; swinging her in circles over his head.
"I'm going to be a father? I'm going to be a father! I'm going to be a father!" Draco shouted the words so loudly and proudly Australia must have heard his joy. "How long have you known? Is it too early to tell if it's a boy or girl? Either is fine by me. Were you serious about the muggle Lamaze thing?"
Luna laughed at his rapid fire questions but her happy expression flickered on and off as he continued to swing her about. "Sweetheart if you don't put me down I'm going to be sick."
Draco quickly set her on her feet, sheepishly muttering he was sorry. He brushed a stray hair from her face and asked if she was alright.
"I'm fine. We're fine."
The multi-galleonaire's silly grin grew even wider when he heard the 'we' in we're fine. Once more his hand drifted to her flat tummy, picturing it one day swollen with his child. He could barely believe it. Of course he and Luna talked about having children, many times in fact, but it was always discussed it in terms of someday. Well apparently someday was today and for some reason he wasn't as terrified as he thought he'd be.
Draco never realized he was lost in his own world until he felt Luna's lips press lightly against his own.
"Wake up." She whispered.
"I'm wide awake." He returned.
"Good because I feel like celebrating." The blonde's kisses intensified as she pushed her husband back down to the blanket on the floor.
Later that night; Draco and Luna lay side by side on their backs attempting to get their breathing under control.
"I know I complain about that stupid nickname Pandora and the other rags insist on calling us in the press, but Pothead and Pansy have it far worse in my humble opinion. Who wants to be known as Potts n' Pans?" Draco panted somehow managing to appear dignified even with smashed blueberry pie in his glorious formerly blonde hair.
Luna trembled with laughter as she removed mashed potatoes from her cleavage. "Say what you will but I think Dizzy is adorable."
A month after Luna and Draco tied the knot in Vegas the couple was cornered by celebrity baiter Rita Skeeter herself at a little shop in Milan. They were so preoccupied with the shop's wares that they never noticed the woman approach them until her obnoxious voice broke their peace. "I'm Rita Skeeter of the popular publication Pandora and our loyal readers want to know why Luna Lovegood or should I say Malfoy?"
Draco was about to tear into the woman for invasion of privacy but a calming hand on his arm and deep blue eyes peering into his core stopped him. Luna Malfoy wasn't fazed in the slightest by the reporter's extremely direct and subtly insulting question. Instead he casually flicked his eyes to the shop's manager on the side who readied his wand.
"Simple. She makes me dizzy."
Skeeter never got to follow up the question because the manger hit her with a repellant spell casting her out of the boutique before she could open her mouth. And that ladies and gentlemen is how Draco and Luna became the singular entity known as Dizzy.
The platinum blond tapped his chin. "I bet when the news gets out Pandora will say 'Luna Malfoy Sperminated!'
Luna wrinkled her nose at the thought and snickered. "That's horrible and yet I see it splashing their covers. Um…how about 'Dizzing Developments'? The babies deserve something that has some pizzazz to it."
There was almost an audible snap in how fast Draco's head whipped around to look at his wife. "Babies!"
"Did I forget to mention that?" Luna queried sheepishly, "Apparently Malfoy fertility trumps freakish Weasley fertility because we're having triplets."
Draco didn't reply.
"Honey? Honey? Say something…"
A/N: My miniscule bit of info about Lamaze comes courtesy of my beloved Wikipedia.