by October Breeze
He walked down the long, sterile white hallway, clipboard underneath one arm and a Styrofoam cup of tea in one hand. It was his break, one of the few he actually had during the day, and Dr. Yuki Sohma wanted to make the most of what he had. He entered the staff room, mostly empty except for an intern sprawled across one of the couches, dead asleep. Yuki surveyed the rest of the room which was unsurprisingly empty. Most of the doctors and nurses who had a chance for rest were in and out of the staff room in five or ten minutes, and Yuki knew that for this short rest period, he should also make the most of it.
Setting down his clipboard and tea, Yuki sat down in one of the overstuffed chairs, worn out from the years of usage, and leaned back, closing his eyes lightly, brushing a few strands of silvery gray hair away from his eyes. He was exhausted and rarely had time for real sleep anymore, usually getting less than three hours a night. Yuki knew he was falling apart. When Shigure had dropped in for a quick visit while still trying to avoid his editor, even he had seemed concerned over the young doctor.
Some things never change, Yuki thought as his mind drifted into dreams. Then again, other things did.
He could still remember the day when Hatori erased her memories. They had brought her to the main house on Akito's orders, in the same place that Kana had her memories erased. All the Sohmas close to Tohru had followed her there, much like a funeral procession, but Tohru seemed as cheerful as ever. He remembered looking at her, thinking how, even in times of pain, she could seem so optimistic.
No one held her hand. Her memories were erased in solitude, the Sohmas watching bitterly, angrily, in the shadows, unable to go against Akito's wishes. Hatori, his hands shaking, erased the memories of their time together, filling in the gaps with memories of her living with the Sohmas to escape her tent, but nothing more. After that, Tohru returned home to her grandfather.
After that, nothing was the same. Life was solemn. Yuki went to medical school, Kyo managed to escape confinement by landing a hit on Yuki (which was only allowed by Yuki as a last gift for Tohru) and lived with Kazuma, helping out with the dojo, Ayame married Mine, Shigure continued writing, Hatori was still a doctor, Haru traveled around with no set job, and the rest were still in school.
"Paging Dr. Sohma, Dr. Sohma, paging Dr. Sohma, room 213 immediately, Dr. Sohma…"
Yuki winced and opened his eyes, looking around, blurry eyed. The intern was gone and the staff room was empty. He sat up quickly and stood up, leaving his clipboard and cooled tea behind, putting a hand on his head as he felt a wave of dizziness from his quick motions after his short nap. Stepping forward, he left the staff room and walked briskly down the hallway. He was already close to room 213, anyway, and in a few moments he was in front of the doorway and reaching out for the doorknob.
The door swung open. Two nurses were leaning over a girl covered in blood, putting an oxygen mask over her lips, the rest of her face hidden by their bodies. The first nurse looked at him, the stress on her face carefully concealed with years of practice. "She's doing down fast. She was in a car accident; she's bruised badly," the nurse said, leaving her spot by the bed and walking quickly towards the heart monitor as another doctor brushed past by Yuki, who was still standing in the doorway, staring at the girl's face that he could now see.
All he could hear was the heart monitor beeping around him. His head was spinning as he leaned against the doorway, his legs unable to support him.
"What are you doing?"
Doing , doing…
Her face, her face.
"Get her ten CCs!"
Her face, her face.
"Move!" Yuki shouted, barely realizing what he was doing, his gaunt face pale as he stared at the girl who he had tried to forget about for so long, grabbing gloves out of the box and snapping them over his hands.
He leaned over her, her face white and splattered with blood. Her clothes were torn and her legs were bruised, but what really scared him was her head. Blood was matting down her hair and he could see that she had banged it hard.
"Scalpel. Stitches. Now," he said, his voice trembling.
"Dr. Sohma, if you know this girl, then let Dr. Toshi take over. You know the rules," one of the nurses said rather timidly, peering at the look on his face and the loss of color. "You look sick…"
"Scalpel," Yuki repeated, a pressure forming behind his eyes. "Stitches."
The nurse quickly rolled a silver cart over to him and he took out the alcohol, cleaning her head and taking out the needle.
He could see the blood flowing from the packet into her I.V and see it flowing out of her head. He didn't know if he could do this.
Dr. Toshi was working on stabilizing her, casting wary looks Yuki's way, while the nurses were frantically wrapping her legs.
"We need more blood," someone said. Yuki didn't know. All he was paying attention to was fixing her head.
"Yuki…" a small voice said.
"Take her," Yuki said to Dr. Toshi, finished sewing her head. "I have to…" he trailed off, walking away from her towards the sink. His covered hands were stained with her blood. Leaning against the sink, he felt another wave of dizziness.
Would she be all right?
"I can't do it," he whispered to himself, squeezing his eyes shut. "I couldn't stop it." He wasn't sure what he was talking about. Her accident, or before? Before when she had her memories taken away from her?
Yuki pulled the gloves off and dropped them in the waste basket, then turned on the faucet, putting his hands underneath the steady stream and watching the blood that the gloves hadn't stopped from touching his skin run down the drain.
He held his hands up and stared at his palms which were still trembling. He clenched them and turned towards the wall, pressing his forehead against the cool tile, his fists near his head.
He wanted this job to help people. He wanted to have some kind of control. But if he couldn't even help her…if he couldn't help her, what was the point?
If she dies, Yuki thought, then it's my fault.
Hours passed and Yuki's shift had ended long ago. But he was staying, waiting for her. Her condition was still critical, and he didn't know any more than that. They weren't letting him in.
He had passed the waiting room multiple times, watching Tohru's meager family come in and out; the only one staying full time was her grandfather. The people he wanted to see weren't coming.
They don't know, he thought.
Yuki couldn't shake it off. What would Kyo do if he knew? Or Shigure? Momiji? Anyone…
But it had been so long since they'd seen her or talked of her. They had all tried to forget.
"She'll be discharged from the hospital. She won't see me. She won't know who I am and life for her will go on," he murmured to himself, trying to reason with himself, not even thinking about what happened if she went into a coma or died. Calling them and informing them would be selfish. He was being selfish. He had no right to see her. She didn't know him anymore and pretending like she did would only confuse and hurt her.
"Dr. Sohma?" a voice called. Startled, he turned around. A nameless nurse was standing in the doorway. "Tohru Honda…"
"What is it?" he asked quickly, his heart seizing up, thinking the worst.
"She's asleep. She's stabilized but the doctors aren't moving her out of the ICU for a few more days. She's…still on watch. It's past visiting hours, but…"
"Thank you," Yuki said sincerely and with relief, walking towards room 213, the nurse watching him go with surprise. He was still wearing his doctor coat and had his ID. If he went in there, no one would stop him.
Yuki reached the door and opened it slowly, his mind telling him it was wrong to go in. But he had to see her and make sure she was okay with his own eyes. At least, that's what he told himself.
She was lying on clean sheets; a white cloth was wrapped around her head where Yuki had given her stitches. She was changed out of her torn clothes into one of the hospital dresses and had a blanket pulled up to her chest.
"Miss Honda," he murmured, sitting on a chair near her bed, listening to the steady rhythm of the heart monitor. Yuki couldn't believe he was actually seeing her. She looked the same as before, only a little more mature. Her hair, now clean, was still long and brown, and though her skin was bruised, he could tell it was the same color. The same serene look was still on her face, even when she was in pain.
He timidly reached out, as if to take her hand, but at the last second he pulled away and instead rested his elbows on the bed, his head in his hands. Whatever kind of life she was leading now, it didn't matter. She didn't deserve this.
"Yuki…?" a small voice mewed.
He jumped and looked at the sleeping figure, but her eyes were open and looking at him. Yuki stood up quickly, the chair scraping loudly behind him.
"I'm sorry," he said quickly, backing away. "You don't know me, but I just wanted to check on you. I'm a doctor--"
"But I remember," she murmured, her voice drowsy. "I remember everything. Yuki, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I went away…"
Yuki raised a hand and pressed it over his face, his shoulders shaking as he held back his tears, his back turned away from her. He was dreaming, he had to be.
"I'm sorry," she kept saying repeatedly, and he could hear that she was crying. "I wasn't there for you. You look so sick…"
He shook his head, pressing his other hand against the wall and leaning forward, his head slightly lowered. She couldn't have her memories back. She couldn't tell him she was sorry.
"Please…" he said, his throat tight. He was almost breaking.
He knew he shouldn't have come into the room. If he hadn't then maybe she wouldn't see him and remember. If she remembered then she would be living with pain, knowing the Sohma curse. How could he be so stupid? So selfish? She couldn't bear all their burdens. It would hurt her too much.
"I think," she said quietly, "my accident…when I hit my head…I remembered everything, and then I passed out. And I felt…so sorry…"
"Stop saying that," he said with more venom than he meant, his own anger at himself coming out into his words. "It's not your fault. I'm sorry that you have to…" He stopped talking, afraid he would lose control of his emotions.
"But I'm glad to remember."
Yuki turned around and looked at her, his face blanching. She was still in bed, but her face was turned towards him, and her hand, still attached to the I.V., was stretched out to him. She was different, and yet at the same time, the same. Some things never changed.
He took a step towards her, wanting this chance. His eyes blurred as he looked at her, but he felt her hand, and he took it.
I hope this makes sense and isn't OOC. Please leave a review!