A/N: Well, it's a three day weekend for me, "Sweet Child O' Mine" is going through my ears, I have relatives over, it's incredibly ominous outside with dark clouds, and there is a bunch of heavy machinery in my backyard doing God knows what and making it feel as though we are in the middle of a prolonged earthquake. Perfect time for writing, no?
A few WARNINGS: 1.) This fic does make fun of OC's, but I apologize if anyone is offended by this. This is all in fun, and I mean no ill will. There are actually a few that I really like. I just noticed that there seemed to be a large amount of OC's in the Saiyuki section, so this just came to mind after a thought about a WWF Saiyuki Smack Down (don't ask how that turned into what you are about to read). 2.) My style is a bit "awkward" as some reviewer put it, but in other words, I just write what exactly (and I mean EXACTLY) what comes to mind. As another way of putting it, it's similar to that of Catcher in the Rye (it's a good book! Read it! And I think I just screwed up the title…). Basically what I'm saying is I hope that it doesn't bother anyone out there. Don't know why it would, but there are some royal pricks out there, so yeah…
Disclaimer: I don't understand why I have to do this, but I'm afraid I'll get in trouble if I don't. I do not own any of Saiyuki, -insert your own clever comment-.
Hope you enjoy!
Chapter 1: Hit and Runs Should be Legalized
It was the typical day of driving for the Sanzo-ikkou, what with Gojyo and Goku arguing, Hakkai trying to calm them down, and Sanzo threatening double homicide and coming very close to committing it. What the argument was about was anybody's guess. All Sanzo knew was that he was going to eventually have to end it if they didn't shut up.
"Now, now," Hakkai was saying. "I'm sure that Gojyo is very sorry for whatever he did, Goku."
"Why me!" Gojyo yelled. "It was the stupid monkey who started it!"
"What!" Goku yelled back. "It was all the perverted kappa's fault!"
"What did you say, you little shit?"
They need to get some new material, Sanzo thought while loading his gun.
"That's enough!" he finally said. "If you two don't shut up in the next five seconds, I swear I will-!"
"SQUIRREL!" somebody screamed.
The sudden annoying high pitched sound jerked Hakkai out of his peace making attempts and turned him into Hakkai: Protector of Small Woodland Creatures (1). Thinking quickly, he swerved to the side and out of the road, making sure the squirrel didn't have any buddies waiting for him on the other side so as not to make the squirrel a lonely little orphan. However, this was at the risk of Sanzo, Goku, Gojyo, and Hakuryu's lives, not to mention the entire world's since they all had that whole mission from the gods thing going on.
After about one minute of group unconsciousness, everyone slowly woke up to find themselves scattered in a ten foot radius, ranging from still in the jeep, to up in a tree in Goku's case.
Gojyo was the first to speak. "What the hell, Hakkai?"
"I'm terribly sorry," Hakkai said. "But I was afraid to hit the squirrel. I didn't, did I?"
"No," Goku said, while hanging upside down by his pants. "But it looks like you did hit some chick."
"What?" Gojyo said. "You care more for a squirrel than a helpless young girl?"
"Well, no, but I'm just curious as to how. I didn't see her at all."
"Maybe you were too focused on the damn squirrel!"
"Who cares," Sanzo said making his way back to Hakuryu. "Let's just get out of here before she wakes up. I sure as hell am not paying for the law suit!"
"But she's hurt!" Hakkai objected. "Besides, if she found out it was us who hit her, it'd cost even more since hit and runs are kind of illegal."
That stopped Sanzo dead in his tracks. "Fine! Just go get her so we can go already! We'll look at her wounds when we get a place to stay in the next town."
Two guys carrying the lump of a girl, one monkey screaming to be let down, and three bullets later, the Sanzo-ikkou were well on their merry way to the next destination.
It was surprisingly quiet, much to one sexy monk's pleasure. It's amazing how having a girl laying across two loud mouth bastard's laps can keep them quiet. Sanzo was actually contemplating having Hakkai run over girls more often, just so they can have this beautiful silence repeated. Well, all good things must come to an end, sadly.
About fifteen minutes into the drive, the girl began to slowly regain consciousness. Hakkai stopped, and everybody, except Sanzo, watched as the girl opened her perfectly blue eyes that reflected her emotional turmoil. But I'll get into that later.
"Hey," Gojyo said, quickly turning on the charm. "You hit your head pretty hard back there. You okay?"
"Oh, dear," she said, struggling greatly to sit up. She immediately fell back down, her long, raven black hair spreading out perfectly upon Goku's lap. "What happened?"
"Hakkai ran over you," Sanzo said, lighting up a cigarette to show how much he cared about her.
"Hakkai?" She donned a look of confusion that seemed to be very cute, considering Gojyo, Goku, and Hakkai all blushed.
"Um, that would be me," Hakkai spoke up. He was doing that thing where he rubs the back of his head while grinning sheepishly. One would think that it was because he was embarrassed about caring more for a rodent than a human, but me thinks it be something else.
"So," Goku started, "what's your name and story?"
"My name?" she said, as if it was the beginning of some long monologue… oh gods. "My name is Seu Mary. My story is one of much pain and torment. For I am an unique individual who is constantly wanted by all. It's horrible, really. No matter where I go, everyone is always after me. If only I didn't have this accursed power of mine, that is greater than all other powers. Why? Why? WHY?"
"Would you shut up already?" Sanzo snapped. "Hakkai, we could have been driving instead of listening to this crap! Get going!"
"Sanzo!" Gojyo shouted. "How dare you treat such a lovely young girl so harshly!"
"I agree with Gojyo," Hakkai said. "She's had a long day."
"Yeah!" Goku said. "Geez, Sanzo! You need to be more nicer, ya' know?"
Sanzo just sat there, too shocked and pissed off to properly do anything. He would have expected Gojyo to defend this chick and maybe Hakkai if he was feeling brave, but Goku? Goku seemed to accept the fact that Sanzo was an asshole to everything that moved and quite a few things that didn't. So why did he feel the need to stick up for this girl? He could have said some things that were way worse than his original statement. He'd have to set things straight later. Along with have Hakkai work more with Goku on grammar.
The next half hour was filled with the three idiots gushing over Seu Mary and telling her all of what their journey was about, along with a few personal things that Sanzo REALLY wished were kept personal. He was about to either kill everybody or jump out of the jeep in hopes of the fall killing him (which would then, of course, lead to the jeep exploding by some freak accident), when Gojyo asked the question that would cause a change in everything.
"So, where you headin'?"
"India," Seu said, a far away look in her eyes. "You see, my small village selected me for my great power to go and destroy that big demon… guy…"
"Gyumaoh?" Hakkai offered.
"Then how about you travel with us?" Goku asked.
Sanzo nearly swallowed his cigarette, burning butt and all. "What?" he asked with as much calm in his voice as possible, but failing miserably.
"Oh, I couldn't possibly!" Seu said.
"I think that that's a great idea!" Hakkai said. "You could contribute so much to our group!"
"I know I could!"
Damn bitch! Sanzo thought. "Hey!" he finally spoke up. "Since when do you guys make decisions without first consulting me? I forbid this!"
"You 'forbid' it?" Gojyo said. "What are you, our master?"
"It's okay, Sanzo," Seu began. "I can tell that you're upset about me joining, being a girl and all. I'm sure that it will take you a long time to get used to me. I… I just hope that you will except me into your heart."
a wonderful girl!" Goku said. "She can do no wrong!"
"Goku! How many times have I told you NOT to eat the mushrooms in the forest?"
"Huh? What are you talking about, Sanzo? Are you sick, or something?"
"He has been acting pretty strange ever since Seu came along," Gojyo whispered to Hakkai, even though with such a close distance between everyone whispering never really worked out as one hoped.
"I think that he's perfectly fine," Hakkai answered, also "whispering." "If I had to guess, I'd say that Sanzo was in L-O-V-E!"
"I'm not like the stupid monkey!" Sanzo shouted. "I can spell, dumbass!"
"Stop fighting over me! Please!" Seu screeched, making Hakkai immediately stop driving to help comfort the now sobbing Seu Mary.
Sanzo, of course, would have no part in it. He was too busy wondering what the hell was wrong with everyone. They immediately accepted this stranger into their group without any knowledge about her even though she said her past was full of "pain and torment," they didn't know what her "great power" was, and worst of all, they completely ignored his obvious pissed off-ness! The nerve of those jerk offs!
While Sanzo wallowed in his annoyance, the others were busy trying to make Seu feel better about supposedly causing them to fight over her. The poor girl was delusional!
"Aw, come on," Gojyo was saying. "Is there anything we can do for you, beautiful?"
"Yes, we would like nothing more than to make you feel better!" Hakkai added.
"Well," Seu sniffed while attempting to look cute with a pout, "I would like some fruit."
"Can do!" Goku exclaimed, followed by him leaping out and into the forest with Hakkai and Gojyo close behind.
That left the great Genjo Sanzo alone with Seu Mary. For quite some time the only movement was Sanzo's eyebrow twitching. He could have lived with this, but it seemed like this girl was too dense to understand a royal prick when she sees one.
"Sanzo?" she said. No response. Thinking that if she made physical contact, it might make the monk want to talk, she gently placed her hand on Sanzo's shoulder and immediately felt him tense up at the sudden body warmth.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Sanzo said with a low and dangerous voice.
"It's okay, Sanzo. I understand."
"Shhhh. Don't speak. I can tell that you are a beautiful soul and I understand what you must be feeling right now. For I, too, have the burden of carrying a sacred scripture." She looked away to add dramatic affect to her announcement.
Sanzo looked at her and her skimpy outfit. It consisted of green hot pants covering the lower part of her perfectly shaped hips and thighs. A bright red sash was wrapped around her waist, and her top looked like a very loose blue kimono that was missing the sleeves and the bottom part. She also seemed to be missing a bra for her overly large breasts (poor Sanzo). Basically, not many places to hide a sacred scripture. Not to mention there was no chakra on her forehead.
"Which one is it?" Sanzo asked.
"The scripture. Which one is it, and where is it?"
Seu stared at him before laughing and waving off his question with her hand. "Oh ho ho ho! Silly Sanzo! Of course I don't carry the scripture around with me! That would be foolish!" -Sanzo began to feel a vein in his neck throbbing.- "I keep it safe by hiding it in a different dimension that I open up using my extreme chi energy!"
"Oh, really? Well, which scripture is it then?"
Another pause. And then-
"Oh ho ho ho! I can't tell you that! Who knows what demons may be lurking in the shadows wanting to steal it! And we really can't have that, since the one I am entrusted with is the most important!"
Sanzo was about to give her a pretty good reality check when he heard the other three returning from their fruity adventure. They quickly gave her their offerings and clambered back into Hakuryu, all the while chit chatting none stop with Seu.
Meanwhile, Sanzo bit the bullet. He would have to take care of her later, once everyone else was either out of whatever high they were on or at least out somewhere. In the mean time, he would just accept the same fact he had with Goku: you can't fix stupid.
1.) Hakkai is SO a protector of peaceful woodland creatures! That whole bear episode is a good example. Damn, those were ugly bears!
A/N: So that was chapter one! Hope it didn't insult anyone. I don't think that there is a fan fiction out there where the Mary Sue has a sacred scripture, but it does seem like something someone would write for an OC.
You know what to do!
Please drop a review!
And I do like CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Good day, all!