PLEASE READ THESE INSTRUCTIONS COMPLETELY BEFORE YOUR MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD ARRIVES!
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD! With proper care, your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD will provide you with years of usefulness and enjoyment!
Before you make use of your versatile MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD please observe the following steps and recommendations.
Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD will be shipped to you in a stasis pod of ANCIENT design, in order for him to arrive to you as fresh as possible. Upon receiving you MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD, follow the instructions on the attached schematic in order to revive him from his pod. If you have previously purchased a DR. RODNEY MCKAY, simply tell him to revive your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD. The DR. RODNEY MCKAY is programmed with the appropriate knowledge to revive your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD safely.
NOTE: The manufacturer does not take responsibility for improper revival of your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD. PLEASE follow the attached directions!
Once your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD awakes, he may be disoriented. AT this point, it is CRUCIAL that no one resembling a Wraith be in the general vicinity. If you have long hair, it is recommended that you tie it up before your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD awakes. In his disoriented state, he could mistake you for a WRAITH. If your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD believes a WRAITH is close by, he will open fire with his 9mm side arm. This could have disastrous consequences.
Once your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is awake, he will exit the stasis pod on his own. He may squeeze his eyes shut as he steps out of the pod. This is normal and no cause for concern. Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD often reacts this way the instant before he steps into the unknown.
Once your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD has exited the stasis pod, he is fully functional and awake. At this point, if you have tied long hair back, you are welcome to let it down. Be sure to shake your luxurious locks seductively, as your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD will most likely enjoy this, and it can form an important bonding step between you and your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD in the first moments you are together. If you have short hair, be sure to smile warmly and run your hand through it casually. This will effect the same response in your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD and again enhance the bonding process.
NOTE: No assembly is required for your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD. He comes to you fully assembled and functional. However, some owners enjoy checking to be sure all of their MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD'S parts are present and functional. This also is an effective means of strengthening the bond between you and your new MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD. However, this activity has been known to damage the bond between a new owner and any other significant other in the household, so we do encourage caution in this endeavor.
Your MAJOR (or luxury LT COLONEL) JOHN SHEPPARD is made in the USA, and specifically in the state of California.
Name: Major John Sheppard (luxury mode: Lt. Colonel John Sheppard)
Type: Rakish United States Air Force officer
Height: 6'2" (6'0" not counting hair)
Length: No quantitative data is available, but qualitative responses vary from "Whoa!" to "OH DEAR GOD!"
Hair: Impossibly unruly, dark, thick, short… ahem: Dark hair.
Eyes: There has been some debate over this, but recent scientific evidence and close up experience, not to mention thorough questioning of JOHN SHEPPARD (serial # 1) reveals that your JOHN SHEPPARD'S eyes are, in fact, hazel. You may shine whatever lights you wish in his eyes to achive the desired color, but it is not recommended that you blind your JOHN SHEPPARD in the process.
NOTE: If your have purchased the standard MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD model, it is fully upgradeable to the luxury LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD. Upon receiving payment, one of our representatives will come to your home with a DR. ELIABETH WEIR, GEN. HANK LANDRY and GEN. JACK ONEILL in order to upgrade your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD to LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD. At this point, all extra features standard with the LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD model will be provided to you for your enjoyment!
B. STANDARD EQUIPMENT:
Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD comes with the following:
1. The Black Shirt of Yum: Tailored and suitable for colder weather. Equipped with an easy-open zipper at the neck. Has been known to provide flattering views of your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD'S pectoral muscles. Be sure to experiment with the zipper to display the desired amount of your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD'S chest hair!
2. The Black T-Shirt of Masculine Godliness: Short sleeved and tailored, this T-shirt provides ample view of your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD'S pectoral muscles and biceps. Suitable for warmer weather, as your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is very resistant to going without his shirt, unless he is in immediate danger of dying.
The manufacturer does encourage you to tempt your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD to go shirtless, pointing out that the earlier VINCE model seemed to enjoy it. If that fails, try tempting him with DVDs of famous college football games. If you manage to get your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD to take off his shirt, be sure to snap a picture and send it to us! We'll send you a complimentary bottle of hair gel for your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD'S unruly (but sexy) hair!
3. Season 1 Pants: Your standard model MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD comes equipped with sometimes baggy but occasionally revealing SEASON 1 PANTS. SEASON 2 PANTS (an upgrade) can be purchased for an additional cost. NOTE: This is a recommended upgrade!! The luxury LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD comes with SEASON 2 pants as a standard!
4. Armaments: Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD comes equipped with a P-90 and a 9mm side arm. Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD also has a standard issue knife, suitable for stabbing rogue WRAITH in the hand. The luxury LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD model is skilled at using said knife to remove dog tags from scorched bodies! The luxury LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD model also comes equipped with a hand-held WRAITH STUNNER!
As a bonus, the above armaments provide an effective and safe environment for the operation of a DR. RODNEY MCKAY model.
5. Sunglasses: Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is equipped with Aviator sunglasses! Suitable for bright sunny days, the aviator sunglasses can also be used just to make your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD sexy beyond all belief!! Be sure your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is wearing his aviators when you take him out of the house! (And his SEASON 2 PANTS if you have purchased that upgrade!) You'll be the envy of every woman in the neighborhood!
6. NEW Lip Balm: Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is not prone to excessive lip licking, although he is prone to extensive pursing of his lips. Because of this sexy but often damaging habit, we now provide, at a minimal extra charge, LIP BALM for your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD! Developed originally for the DR. RODNEY MCKAY to go with his highly effective SUNSCREEN, the LIP BALM will protect your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD'S full lips from excessive chapping or damage. NOTE: The luxury LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD (because of his excessive tendency to lick his lips) comes with LIP BALM as standard!
Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is a versatile addition to any household. He has many uses of which a few are outlined here. You are encouraged to find more inventive uses for your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD.
Think you have a unique use for your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD? Send us a picture of your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD performing your unique task. Whoever has most original use (that does not result in death, injury or maiming of any MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARDS) will win a complimentary pair of season 2 pants for their MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD!
Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is a gifted Air Force Pilot! We encourage you to use your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD to take you to heights rarely known! While your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is skilled in handling multiple models of aircraft, the manufacturer highly recommends as an accessory a PUDDLE JUMPER (sold separately) for your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD. We guarantee you'll be the envy of the neighborhood!
b. Ancient Technology Activation:
Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD comes fully equipped as standard with a very potent version of the ANCIENT GENE. Unlike the RODNEY MCKAY model, where the ANCIENT GENE is an accessory and sold separately, the ANCIENT GENE is included with your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD! While a DR. CARSON BECKETT will allow you limited access to some functions of your ANCIENT devices, a MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD will always provide you with a superior experience with your ANCIENT brand products!
Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is fully trained in using all of the above-mentioned armaments. This allows your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD to form an effective tool for household defense. By simply yelling "WRAITH!" your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD will spring into action, rapidly neutralizing any kind of household attack.
DISCLAIMER The manufacturers can accept no liability for prosecutions or civil lawsuits arising from use of your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD for household defense purposes.
d. Computer Repair:
Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is not highly skilled in the area of computer repair. However the luxury model LT. COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD is well versed in the John Sheppard School of Computer Repair! Hate kneeling down to restart that computer? Have your LT. COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD do it for you!
Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is a closet math genius and an honorary member of MENSA! Have math homework? Always wanted a degree in Quantum Physics but lacked the mathematical skills to obtain it? Now's your chance! Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD can help you!
D. FEEDING OF YOUR MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD
Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is generally omnivorous in nature. Extensive research has found that your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD does not tend to be a picky eater. He is very fond, however, of turkey sandwiches, strawberries with cream and chocolate sauce. It's important to note that your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is particularly responsive if fed "the last of" anything, particularly popcorn and the contents of picnic baskets. He will also consume Power Bars (sold separately) if placed in a situation with a Wraith and a desert (see below).
Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD also enjoys drinking water from a canteen. On a hot summer day, what better recreation than to present your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD with a canteen of water and watch him drink it? NOTE: This will provide the most effective display of your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD'S impressive Adam's Apple!
Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is compatible with several other models of both genders. Each pairing has various results. The manufacturer recommends you experiment to find the desired companion for you MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD.
The following have been noted:
a. DR. ELIZABETH WEIR
Pairing your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD with DR. ELIZABETH WEIR is an effective combination if your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is unruly or exhibiting Command Disobedience (explained below). DR. ELIZABETH WEIR in Expedition Leader Mode is very effective for putting an unruly MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD in his place and reminding him of the chain of command.
b. TEYLA EMMAGAN
Pairing your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD with a TELYA EMMAGAN is an effective means of increasing your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD'S hand-to-hand fighting skills. It's been noted that the TEYLA EMMAGAN is also adept at relating bits of Alien Wisdom (included as standard with any TEYLA EMMAGAN model) to your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD. He seems especially keen on listening to any wisdom TEYLA EMMAGAN may provide.
c. DR. RODNEY MCKAY
Pairing your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD with DR RODNEY MCKAY will deliver hours of entertainment in the form of excessively snarky humor. By default, when a MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD (or the luxury LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD) is brought into proximity with a DR. RODNEY MCKAY, immediate and usually hilarious verbal sparring and snarking ensues. NOTE: This pairing is also HIGHLY effective for solving complex treasure maps and difficult mathematical puzzles, and defusing boobytraps! If you ever find yourself and your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD in a situation where your only escape is interpreting complex maps and treasure hunts, be sure to have your DR. RODNEY MCKAY handy! Between your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD and your DR RODNEY MCKAY you'll have nothing to worry about!
d. DR RADEK ZALENKA
Only effective in the luxury LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD, pairing with a DR. RADEK ZALENKA can increase your LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD'S understanding of the Czech language!
e. DR. CARSON BECKETT
An effective pairing for MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD which results in swift treatment of various wounds and WRAITH stuns. However pairing the luxury LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD with a DR CARSON BECKETT should be done with care. Upon encountering a DR CARSON BECKETT your LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD may utter the words "Let it go, Doc,", before proceeding to mutate into an Iratus Bug/Human hybrid. At this point, a DR CARSON BECKETT may be able to save your LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD from completely metamorphosis, but it will require you or your LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD to acquire some Iratus Bug embryos (sold separately; requires a state or federal licence). It is therefore recommended that you exercise caution when bringing your LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD near a DR CARSON BECKETT.
a. Self-Sacrificing Tendencies:
Under no circumstances should you ever expose your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD to a potentially hopeless situation! Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD has a strong sense of valor and equally strong self-sacrificing tendencies. When faced with any hopeless or potentially hopeless situation, your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD may utter the words "I have to and you know it." If you hear these words, do not hesitate to tackle your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD and restrain him until the situation has passed. Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD will sacrifice himself (or attempt to do so) if he believes it's the only chance to save you or anyone close to you.
If your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD in Self-Sacrificing Mode gets away from you, he can be saved through the application of a DAEDALUS equipped with ASGARD BEAMING TECHNOLOGY (sold separately). Many of our owners, because of their deep affection for their MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD, have opted to purchase a DAEDALUS equipped with ASGARD BEAMING TECHNOLOGY (sold separately) in case of emergency.
NOTE: The presence of a PUDDLE JUMPER, while providing enhanced opportunities for your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD to take you for enjoyable rides, will increase the chances of your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD entering Self-Sacrificing Mode. Exercise Caution!
b. MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD WRAITH ALARM:
By default, your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is equipped with a potent WRAITH ALARM! This alarm is highly effective at waking hibernating Wraith! The WRAITH ALARM was installed as the base for a future upgrade, present in the luxury LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD model. The upgrade allows your LT. COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD to wake hibernating Wraith with the goal of pitting them against each other for their mutual destruction.
However, your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD does not posess the additional programming required to play Wraith off against each other! If you own a WRAITH HIVE SHIP model, or if there is one in the general vicinity of your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD, under no circumstances should you use your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD'S WRAITH ALARM function unless you have already purchased a ZPM, a DAEDALUS, or an ORION, and are prepared to use them!
Some owners have found their MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD exceptional gift for waking hibernating WRAITH to be a useful tool for dealing with loud and or irritating neighbors. However, the manufacturers do not sanction such behavior or abuse of any MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD in this manner! If there are WRAITH models in your neighborhood in hibernation status, we recommend your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD'S WRAITH ALARM is turned off!
DISCLAIMER The manufacturer is not responsible for any damage, death or suffering resulting from the improper use of your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD WRAITH ALARM.
c. Command Disobedience:
Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD may occasionally demonstrate non-compliance with the chain of command. This can be resolved by pairing with a DR. ELIZABETH WEIR. On occasion it is necessary to set your DR. ELIZABETH WEIR to Expedition Leader Mode in order to rein in your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD and make him comply with the chain of command.
It has been noted that a great many of our satisfied MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD owners enjoy various forms of punishing their disobedient MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARDS instead of resorting to a DR. ELIZABETH WEIR in Expedition Leader Mode. If this appeals to you, the manufacturer does sanctions such activities, and has unverified reports that such activities have proven effective.
On no account should your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD be used in conjunction with the COLONEL DILLON EVERETT, as disastrous disregard for chain of command and protocol will immediately be seen in your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD.
d. LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD Angst
The luxury LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD model is susceptible to bouts of angst if brought in close proximity to the CRACK!FORD upgrade for the AIDEN FORD model. If you do not wish your LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD to be angsty, or to run away leaving you a note saying "I'm gonna find him, and I'm gonna bring him back," it is strongly recommended that you keep your luxury LT COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD away from any CRACK!FORD upgrades of his trusty sidekick AIDEN FORD. It's important to note that MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD will not react this way to CRACK!FORD. MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD will simply shrug and assume it's a phase the young officer is going through.
Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD comes equipped with a limitlesssupply of ammunition for both his P-90 and his 9mm sidearm. However, if there is a WRAITH and a desert nearby, your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD will run out of ammunition for his 9mm sidearm, while his P-90 will immediately be damaged and rendered useless! While he can defend himself with his knife (included), a Power Bar (sold separately) and Glowy Bugs (sold separately), the end result will be the waste of a perfectly good DRONE WEAPON and several cracked ribs for you MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD! If you find yourself near a WRAITH and a desert at the same time, you may hear your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD utter one or more of the following phrases:
"He's aboard my ship!"
"I don't have time to argue about this!
One or more of these phrases may be accompanied by an instantaneous grazing bullet wound to your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD'S left bicep. If you see any or all of these symptoms, immediately retrieve your PUDDLE JUMPER and use a DRONE WEAPON to destroy the Wraith. Do not worry about leaving your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD alone while you retrieve your PUDDLE JUMPER. Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is perfectly capable of taking care of himself for that short time, although you may wish to confiscate any Wraith grenades from his possession before leaving him alone, as he can occasionally act recklessly with them.
Following such an incident, you will spend a considerable time nursing your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD'S cracked ribs and bullet wound, while your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD will be sullen over the loss of GAUL and ABRAMS. The manufacturer recommends that you avoid the combination of WRAITH and Deserts if at all possible.
f. Captain James T. Kirk Syndrome
Your LT. COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD is susceptible to the very serious Captain James T. Kirk Syndrome. If afflicted, all sensible behavior in your LT. COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD will disappear, to be replaced by behavior routinely observed in hormonal teenage boys. This syndrome is distressing at the least, catastrophic to your enjoyment of your LT. COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD at the worst, and should be avoided at all costs. Your MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD is also susceptible to the same syndrome, but is likely to only display mild symptoms.
It is recommended that you keep you LT. COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD away from any woman displaying the Four Bs: Brainless, Breathless, Blonde, Bimbo. The MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD model is principally at risk from any woman of Ancient persuasion who is excessively lonely. It is also recommended that you avoid any blonde alien scientist performing so-called scientific work in an impossibly tight sleeveless dress and high heels. While not proven, recent research has indicated that this category of women could weaken your LT. COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD'S resistance to Captain James T. Kirk Syndrome. The manufacturer guarantees that your LT. COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD will be much more enjoyable if you take active steps to avoid the James T. Kirk Syndrome.
If your LT. COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD is afflicted with Captain James T. Kirk Syndrome, the recommended treatment is prolonged exposure to Athosian Bantos Sticks (sold separately), usually wielded by a TEYLA EMMAGAN (sold separately). If a TEYLA EMMAGAN or other model skilled in the use of Bantos Sticks is not available, the manufacturers believe an extensive lecture on Quantum Physics by a DR. RODNEY MCKAY, or a lengthy dissertation on international diplomacy by a DR. ELIZABETH WEIR will also cure the syndrome. (After that, your LT. COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD will be begging to come back to you!)
Inspired by the extensive Owner's Guides in the LOTR fandom. :D
My thanks to TanaquiSGA for the brainstorming for this Guide!