Note: This is not HBP compliant. As a matter of fact, I don't even think HBP exists. Yea, that's the ticket. Not only that, but this takes place late in Harry's fifth year. So there. Oh, and by the way, I'm not JKR, Harry Potter doesn't belong to me, and I make no money from this, so don't sue me.
Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was not happy. He scowled at the boy in front of him. The Weasley twins -- no, not even the Marauders had ever caused this much mahem. The thought suddenly crossed him mind that he might even lose his job over this. But everyone said that Harry did it, so here they were.
"Mr. Potter, would you mind telling me what took place here last night while I was busy at a meeting of the Wizengamot, using all my political clout to stop them from turning over the government to Voldemort?"
The boy winced. However, it wasn't the tone of the Headmaster's voice, but his volume that affected the boy.
"To be honest, Headmaster, it was Malfoy's fault. Somehow he found a way to get Death eaters into the school. We eventually discovered that he was using a vanishing cabinet, and they were moving from one outside the school to the one inside the school. Once we knew that, we took action to stop it."
"And that's why it's tied to the rafters of the great hall?"
"To be honest, Headmaster, that was Dean's suggestion. It's about four, four and a half stories up, and as the Death Eaters exited, they found the first step a little large. It was the Ravenclaws who decided what to do with the ones who survived. I swear! I never knew that they could be so vicious; but I suppose you don't get to be a Ravenclaw without a good deal of imagination.
"But before we got that taken care of, there were about two dozen Death Eaters in the castle already. To be honest, Headmaster, Ron realized that they would try to get the main door open, but less than half of them had that job. The others were to cause as much death and destruction as they could. And the fact that there were two werewolves whose job it was was to attack the Gryffindors, well, that slowed us down, and let a lot of the damage get done before we could do anything. To be honest, it was Neville's idea to use the stinksap. Seems he's the only one who knew the awful smell it has is like a million times more annoying to werewolves. So we filled some balloons with it, and sent some people werewolf hunting through the halls on our brooms."
"To be honest, Headmaster, we didn't have balloons, and Seamus came up with the idea of using condoms. Seems he has a supply. It worked, though. Was a bit embarrassing handing them to Angelina, Katie, and Alicia, but they're very good at hitting things by throwing them from a broom. To be honest, Headmaster, it was Oliver who came up with that idea, once we knew the werewolves were outside the Gryffindor tower. We really didn't expect them to jump out the window trying to get away from the smell. And as the entrance to the Gryffindor tower is on the seventh floor, when they reached the ground they were going rather fast, so honestly Headmaster, what happened to the greenhouses wasn't our fault.
"So once we were out of the tower, the ghosts told us about a group that was trying to break into the Ravenclaw tower, and another into the Hufflepuff dorm in the basement. The Death Eaters were leaving the Slytherins alone, I guess professional courtesy or something. Anyway, we were glad we didn't have to worry about that. Hermione took one group towards the Ravenclaw, and I led the rest towards the basement. So, honestly, Headmaster, it was probably Hermione's fault that all the armored suits in the castle converged in the hall outside the Ravenclaw tower. I heard that the armor took heavy losses, but in the end overwhelmed the Death Eaters with sheer numbers. Hermione later said they put a charm on them to make them heavier -- since, really, full suits of armor while heavy, aren't very thick in any place, and the first few suits didn't survive the first spell against them. That's the only thing I can think of that might have caused the floor to give away beneath the battle. But on the bright side, no students were hurt. Honestly, I don't know who set up the rope bridge to get the Ravenclaws out after the floor fall through to the next level down. But they were very helpful later in the Great Hall.
"Meanwhile we got to the basement through the back stairs by the Tranformation classroom -- we had been told to avoid the main entrance. Do you realize that with 149 stairways in this castle that's almost one for every two students? What's up with that? But I digress.
"We came around the corner, and found a large number of Death Eaters. They attacked, we fought back, but there was no way a bunch of students with Umbridge as defense teacher were going to stand up to the Death Eaters. Fred and I held the rear, while George lead the rest of the group to the kitchen, which seemed the only way to escape.
"Honestly, Headmaster, it was George's idea to animate the food. I have no idea how they got so much charmed in that short time, but the by the time Fred and I had backed to the kitchen's entrance, there was a whole army of knife wielding vegetables, cleaver armed roast chickens, and fork brandishing deserts. I'll never eat a scone again, after I saw what it did to that one Death Eater.
"Honestly, Professor, I had nothing to do with what happened in the Slytherin dungeons. How was I to know that most of them didn't support Voldemort. I had nothing to do with the bigots being beaten into unconsciousness with Beater Bats, and dragged out and hung up on the Quidditch goals in their underwear. Who would have thought that Nott had boxers with smiley faces on them? But I digress.
"While the food was eating the Death Eaters, we made our way to the Great Hall by the secret passage near the second pantry. Honestly, Headmaster, that's when I found out what was happening to Death Eaters that were still coming in via the vanishing cabinet. While we were there the ghosts told us that Voldemort himself was at the front door. I yelled for everyone to abandon the castle. To be honest, Headmaster, I was scared out of my wits at the time. I went towards the entrance hall hoping to buy everyone some time to get away. I didn't expect those other students to come with me. I tried to tell them to get out while they can, but it was like no one listened to me.
"Honestly, Headmaster, I think if Voldemort hadn't thought it was funny a bunch of kids trying to stop him, we'd all be dead. He was laughing at us, and Umbridge was beside him, telling him that none of the students had learned any defensive magic the whole year. I always knew that woman was evil.
"But when Fred and George appeared on the great stairs and released the Bludgers, they knew something was going wrong. I have no idea how they got up and back from the Gryffindor tower so fast, but somehow the twins had enchanted the Bludgers to ignore students and made them much more powerful. That's where all the holes in the walls and windows in the entrance hall came from. Those Bludgers didn't stop for anything.
"Honestly, Headmaster, when Luna Lovegood asked me to help levitate that box to the ceiling, I had never even heard of Burmites before. Luckily, the Death Eaters were busy with the Bludgers and avoiding the spells the rest of the students were casting on them, so we were able to get it up there. Once I had it at the ceiling, Luna cast a spell to open it, and those little buggers started right in on the stonework up there. How was I to know that Burmites were like termites, but they ate rock instead of wood?
"Voldemort had just destroyed one of the Bludgers when he turned to us students in the corridor to the Great Hall, but his first Avarda Kadavra failed when Cho created a physical barrier. It was large, and rather obscene but it protected us, and she said later that she had a lot of practice creating something like it, which is why she could create a giant one so fast. Anyway, some of the students finally got some sense and started running away. As Voldemort was about to cast again, the ceiling fell on them; I guess the weight of the large clock's geers and weights were too much for the stone to hold after the Burmites started eating. As he was looking up to see what was happening, I hit Voldemort with a stunner, and unlike some of the other people in the entrance hall, he didn't escape the clock. Of course, the Bludger and the students finished off the rest of the Death Eaters. Boy, were they angry at the Death Eaters, and especially Umbridge. I once overheard two people arguing and one said not to beat a dead horse, and the other said that the horse was just a greasy stain on the ground, but that's all that was left after thirty or more Reductos were cast on her. But what I don't understand is where were the other teachers during all this?"
"Umbridge had locked them in their quarters. So you're telling me that under the remains of the Hogwarts Clock is the body of Voldemort?"
"Yeah, unless his body disappeared like it did when I was one."
"That's great news, Harry! I can almost overlook what happened to the castle. But you haven't told me about the paint?"
"The red paint that was used to write Dumbledore is a dork in twenty foot high letters across the front of the castle in your handwriting?"
"Honestly, Headmaster, after Voldemort was killed, we sort of had a bit of party. If I did it, I have to say that in my defense I was drunk at the time."