AUTHOR'S NOTES: Something I started on the Eroicafans (dot) org messageboard. Thank you to all who contributed.

is in place of an asterisk because FF (dot) net removes them for some unknown reason.


Things Eroica Characters Would Never Say

By Margaret Price
& Others

oOo

Dorian: Do you love me, Klaus?

Klaus: Yes.

Dorian: Really?

Klaus: No. I'm just saying that to get sex.

Dorian: Pervert!

oOo

Dorian: I'm bored.

Klaus+ groan +

Dorian: You're no fun any more.

Klaus: Oh, yeah+ pounces Dorian and rides him like a champion Thoroughbred +

Dorian: Works every time.

oOo

First Time In Bed

Dorian: Oh. You're so...small.

oOo

Dorian: That was...disappointing.

oOo

Klaus: ZZzzzzz

oOo

Dorian: Forget it. I've changed my mind.

oOo

SOME ONE LINERS

Dorian: I'm thinking of having a sex change...

oOo

Klaus: I don't know what to do. Will someone help me with this, please?

oOo

Klaus: Which of these earrings goes with this outfit?

oOo

Klaus: This hair is driving me crazy. I'm getting a buzz cut ASAP.

oOo

Dorian: Women really aren't so bad.

oOo

Bonham: I love you, Uncle NATO.

oOo

James: Money is no object.

oOo

Agent A: Fuck off, Major.

oOo

Agent G: I'm sick of dresses and makeup. I'm going back to suits and ties.

oOo

Alphabets: We'd LOVE to go to Alaska.

oOo

Mischa: I'm defecting.

oOo

Klaus: I'm defecting.

oOo

Dorian: Wow, that woman is stacked!

oOo

Klaus: I'm retiring and moving to Alaska.

oOo

Mischa: Polar Bear and I are engaged.

oOo

A: No, Major, I'm going home early.

oOo

Chief: Major, I've recommended you for a promotion.

oOo

Z: NATO sucks. I'm taking up flower arranging.

oOo

Butler: Klaus, I'm your father.

oOo

SISTER EROICA

Dorian+ arrives dressed as a nun + I've learned your weakness, Major. I'm Sister Eroica.

Klaus: That's creepy.

Dorian: But I brought you fried potatoes.

Klaus: Why didn't you say so? I love fried potatoes. + consumes mass quantities +

Dorian: Now, let's have sex.

Klaus: Okay.

Dorian: ...!

Klaus: Don't take the habit off.

Dorian: That's creepy!

o

(From The Reverand)

Klaus: Er... do you think we could have sex while eating the fried potatoes?

Sister Eroica: Well now you're just being silly.

o

(From Avendasora)

Dorian: Naughty boy! Fried potatoes don't go THERE!

Klaus: Real Germans put potatoes ANYWHERE.

o

(Back to Margaret Price)

Klaus: Now I have heartburn.

Dorian: Let me kiss it, make it better.

Klaus: Lower. And don't kiss. Suck.

Dorian: Oh, Major...

Klaus: Thank you, Sister.

oOo

Klaus on the internet:

- Surfs the net reading porn all day.
- Wastes time in chat rooms.
- Checks out local dating sites
- Discovers web site devoted to "that curly-haired son-of-a-bitch" and spams message board.

oOo

VERY SHORT STORIES

Klaus: I'm getting married.

Dorian: growl Who's the lucky girl?

Klaus: G

Dorian: ...!

oOo

Klaus: Nice dress, G.

G: ...! Erm, thank you, Major.

Klaus: You think they'll have it in my size?

G+ Has immediate mental breakdown +

Klaus: heh, heh. That's him taken care of.

oOo

(For Esda)

Dorian: You're not even sweating in all this heat.

Klaus: Heat and cold are a matter of discipline.

+ Dorian leaves after snark attack +

Klaus: About bloody time! A, turn on the air conditioning. I'm dying here.

oOo

Klaus: That's your problem. You've wasted all your time on pretty boys who don't know any better.

Dorian: What's that supposed to mean?

Klaus: You're not that good.

oOo

(For Lisa)

Papa Eberbach: Klaus, I'm getting married. I'd like you to meet Lady Gloria.

Lady Gloria: Oh, I have a daughter your age...

Klaus: I'm gonna go kill myself now.

oOo

Dorian: Of course I'm telling the truth. Would I lie to you?

Klaus: In a heartbeat.

oOo

Klaus: I need a hug.

Dorian: Here, let me.

Klaus+ purrs +

oOo

By Avendasora

James: That was worth every penny, and I'd pay twice the price to do it all over again.

oOo

By The Reverand

Bonham: Pardon me, My Lord, but wouldn't it be a splendid day to visit the Major? I have missed him so!

oOo

Z (to the Major): Get it yourself.

oOo

Dorian: Really, Major, put your pants back on.

oOo

Klaus: Oh, snap.

oOo

Mischa: Phooey! Foiled again!

Comrade: Don't you mean, "Curses! Foiled again!"?

Mischa: Please, Comrade. This is kiddie show.

oOo

Comrade: Comrade Mischa, is Major you said you killed in previous episode!

Mischa: Look, it's his book. If he wants to be hard to kill, let him.

oOo

By Esther

Klaus: "I feel like wearing pink today!"

oOo

Dorian: "Long hair is so unsightly. I prefer my hair cropped short."

oOo

James (to the Earl): "Of course you should buy that pair of shoes. You can never have enough shoes ₤ 100 matter? Money is no object!"

oOo

Z (to the Major): "No."

oOo

By Camilla

Klaus: Oh Dorian, you look absoloutely fabulous in that dress.

oOo

Dorian: Please explain the difference between the Luger and Beretta pistols again. I really want to know. Really.

oOo

Dorian: I am becoming a monk.

oOo

Dorian: What do you want for Christmas, darling?

Klaus: The newest James Bond video game would be fun.

oOo

Klaus: Z is doing what to earn some extra money!

Dorian+ glee +

oOo

Z: I love you, Dorian.

oOo

Klaus: I've had these strange dreams recently...

Dorian: Oh? About what, darling?

Klaus: They involved handcuffs and a whip.

Dorian+ dies +

Klaus: ...Must be prophetic.

Dorian+ dies once again +

oOo