Before I go any further, I must do the self pimpage, which I have somehow managed to neglect doing thus far. If you enjoy this story and like Stargate Atlantis, then I would suggest taking a look at my other stories in that universe. Ninety nine percent of them are humor based (some funnier than others) and I'm dreadfully proud of them all. So if you're ever in the mood for a giggle (and my SGA fans can attest to this fact) you'll find it with my other stories.

Alright, mandatory pimpage over. Without further ado: Enjoy the last (Er...uh...I think?) chapter of Colonel For Sale.


Monday morning dawned bright and Sam found herself in a relatively good mood. The weekend had been quite a bit better than she expected. After returning McKay's car to him, he had insisted that they go out to lunch, just to make up for the dismal failure that last night had been.

She had resisted, at first, but after a little prodding, she agreed and they went out together- as friends. After all, he did deserve to have at least one decent date with her (even if it wasn't really a 'date') what with all that money he gave up.

However, despite her disposition bordering on being considered cheery as a result of her weekend exploits, she still hadn't forgotten just how angry she was at Jack O'Neill.

Even if she did have an alright time with McKay, that still didn't excuse the under handed tactics which the General employed to get her to participate in one of the more humiliating events in recent memory. Allowing herself to be auctioned off like a piece of property really was degrading on so many more levels than she was comfortable admitting.

So when she arrived on base that morning, she decided that her vendetta against Jack was still on (not that he had ever been off the hook, of course, he just wasn't high up on her list of prioritized thoughts when Rodney was in the hospital and such), and she began trying to come up with a proper form of punishment.

A couple of hours passed as she worked in one of the labs, and she still hadn't the foggiest notion of what to do. The possibilities really were endless.

But it simply had to be something that fit the crime. Something that would make him think twice about trying something like that ever again. A carefully crafted revenge scenario that would dazzle with it's simplicity and measure of poetic justice.

After another hour of working and thinking, she had it pared down to food poisoning or a large dose of ex-lax in his coffee.

Granted, neither of those options was very romantic in their execution, they did lack the finesse of a finely crafted manipulation that would have him begging for her forgiveness, but the thought of Mister High And Mighty General Jack O'Neill having to run out of an all important briefing to make it to the bathroom in time sure did make her smile.

A little too much, to be honest. It was kinda making her cheeks hurt.

She spent much of the morning tapping away at her laptop, grinning like a maniac as she played out different revenge scenarios in her head, each one more satisfying than the last.

Just as she was imagining herself dunking the good General in a vat of hot oil, the man himself decided to make an appearance.

He sauntered into the lab, a coffee cup in one hand, steam rising from it's contents, and a donut skillfully wrapped in a paper towel in the other.

"Good morning, Carter," he said brightly, drawing out the 'o' in the word morning.

"Good morning, sir," Sam replied automatically, still finishing up her last revenge fantasy.

"Whatcha workin' on?" He asked, glancing at the laptop in front of her.

"Well, sir, this is a computer modeled render of the internal configuration of a Zero Point Module and-"

Jack put up one hand to silence the scientist, "Carter, not this early in the morning, please."

"Well, you asked, sir." She pointed out.

"Yes, but I didn't think you'd be up to technobabble this early in the morning."

She rolled her eyes and returned to her work, seriously wondering if she could sneak into the infirmary for that laxative during lunch without anyone noticing. This of course, led to ideas about how to slip the aforementioned drug to her superior while he remained unaware.

For a few minutes the only sounds in the laboratory where the tap, tap, tap of Sam's keyboard and the noisy slurps of her commanding officer from his coffee mug.

Jack finally broke the silence as he bit into his donut, "So Carter, how was your date?"

She turned in her swivel chair to stare at him and had to fight the urge to shove that donut in his hand down his throat at the sight of that damn condescending grin he was giving her.

Never in her life had she known a man who could pour so much charm into a smile that was equal parts sleaze and mischief.

However, she kept her secret desires to ram his chosen breakfast pastry down his throat and instead opted for another plan of attack.

"It was actually...quite nice."

It wasn't a lie. Her 'date' with Rodney on Friday evening had been surprisingly pleasant, up until the lemon being ingested, at least.

Jack tilted his head in that way that just screamed 'quizzical dog', "Oh really?"

"Yes, General," Sam smiled at him sweetly, "I have to thank you for organizing the whole thing." Her eyes twinkled dangerously with mischief, "After all, if it weren't for you, I never would have spent the night with Rodney McKay."

Sam came to the conclusion then that the most lovely sound in the world had to be that of a Brigadier General choking on his coffee.


A/N:'s nice to finish with a good, solid, funny final line. I actually had the ending somewhat in mind for a while, it was just a matter of getting there, I suppose. I'm proud of myself, I think I've kept everyone in character. I was terrified about writing Jack, but now that I've done it, I'm only mildly worried about OOC-ness.

Yeah...I'm happy with it. For a one shot which I had no plans for continuing and had no real clear idea of where I was going, I think I did alright. And now, since I'm more comfortable in this fandom, I'm going to take fic requests. If you've got a scenario you want to see played out, just lemme know and I'll give it a shot. Bear in mind that chances are it'll be getting my special stamp of humor on it (special, is that what they call it these days?).

Anyways...I'm tired and I still have work to do on half a dozen other stories that are in progress, so I'm off. Thanks for reading the silliness, and I hope you enjoyed it :D