Welcome to Nocturnal Survivor: BtVS. I'm your host, Jeff Probst. We changed the nature of this particular Survivor season simply because about three of our lovely contestants can and will burst into flame upon contact with the sun, so we'll provide a nice tree for them to rest under during the day, or perhaps a leaf.
Now, there are sixteen contestants, all from different walks of the show, but all at the peak of their personality to be here on this extremely special occasion. Some of them are widely disliked; that's okay. It's gotten to the point where I simply don't care about ratings anymore; all I care about is that I'm still on TV.
All sixteen contestants will compete for a grand prize of ONE MILLION DOLLARS. They will be separated into two tribes and be stuck on opposite ends of a totally deserted island where there is absolutely no sign of life, human or otherwise, with the exception of the camera crew, who will relish their lovely, lovely food in front of these fine people while they starve, possibly to the point of death.
Doesn't this sound like fun?
The two tribes will compete in challenges. When about half of the members are voted off, the two tribes will combine into one tribe. There will be twists, but since even I, despite being the host of this show, stopped paying attention to what was happening in it, the twists may not be very good. That's okay. I'm still on TV, so everybody wins.
Except for the losers. They go home.
The series will start as follows: All sixteen characters… uh, excuse me, contestants… will be stuck in barrels and dropped from a ship in the middle of the night. The barrels containing the contestants from each tribe will be roped together, and every tribe member will have a supply stuck in the barrel with them. One will have a map. He or she will be the tribe leader and will need to shout loudly to direct their tribe to their proper beaching place, where the camera crew will stand and laugh as they try and fight their way out of the barrels to no prevail.
Well, maybe the Slayers will do okay. We'll separate them just in case.
But there are three, since we're assuming Kennedy's a Slayer at this point.
Oh well. We'll figure it out somehow.
There will be 15 GRIPPING episodes of Nocturnal Survivor; in each, one contestant will be eliminated. The last episode will be annoying drawn out, however, so it may be up to twice as long as any of the other episodes, since it will be determining the winner.
OH MAN. I CAN'T WAIT.
I think that's enough preliminary chitchat, don't you?
Let's cut to the chase, people!