Dr. Gregory House Vs Edward Elric

Author's note: The inspiration for this little mongrel came from watching Dr. House interact with kids in a couple of episodes. And it made me wonder, how would he get along with Edward Elric? Badly, I at first surmised, House would snap something like "get out my way you maladjusted little troll!" And Ed would alchemize a real snake on House's cane. But then again, maybe this would happen.

Disclaimer: I don't own either Full Metal Alchemist, nor the charcter of Dr. Gregory House. I just want to torture some of the characters for a bit.

Warning: Some clinical talk about "naughty bits." No yaoi - no, none. Not even if you squint.

Beta: Kittygirl109 (aka Insanefangirl)

Doctor Gregory House was not a happy camper. After the opening of a stable transdimensional Gate about a year ago, he'd come to Amestris on a "doctor swap" for a few months. He was tired of the smiling (usually, but occasionally frowning) faces of his 'team' and he was looking forwards to first hand experience of the medical protocols of a new world at Central Hospital.

House was now beginning to regret it. His first few days had been spent giving physical examinations to members of the military. That Thursday had started out so promisingly with Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc who came slouching in, a cigarette in his mouth and some dirty jokes to tell. By the time the physical was done, he had been glad to see the back of Havoc who had bitterly complained about his superior, a Colonel Mustang who had a habit of stealing Havoc's girlfriends.

Next to try his patience was Major Alex Armstrong who spoke in a booming voice about everything and nothing. When he asked Armstrong to 'turn your head and cough', the wretched man started yapping about his superior ability to do just that 'passed down through my family for generations!' Most annoying were these damn pink sparkles which made it hard to see what he was examining. When House shone a light into Armstrong's right ear, he swore up and down to himself that he could see clear to the other side.

He popped a few more Vicodin just before Master Sergeant Kain Feury came in, and right after that, House wished he had a fifth of Scotch to wash them down with. While trying to listen to Feury's lungs with a stethoscope, House growled "I'm going to rename you 'Checkers' because you jump everytime I make a move." It was a first for House, a patient so nervous his teeth literally chattered.

Fortunately, it was time for lunch after that and House re-discovered the food at the Central Hospital's commissary was like institutional food all over - just this side of inedible - and it hadn't improved since Monday. The afternoon wasn't any better and the names and face of the soldiers - and a few State Alchemists who came in became just a blur to House. Which wasn't entirely a bad thing. By 5:40 PM, his fourth long day from the ninth circle of Hell was almost over, but he had one more patient to examine.

House picked up the slim manila folder and read off the name: "Major Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist."

"Right here." replied a sulky voice. House lowered the folder and looked at the figure before him.

"Hey kid, pediatrics is one floor down. When you go out, tell Elric to get his ass in here pronto."

"I AM Elric!" the boy snarled. He looked too young, just a shade over five feet tall and dressed in almost completely black clothing which was topped by a long red coat, and what was with those oversized boots?

House opened the folder and looked at the first page: ELRIC, Edward P. Title: The Fullmetal Alchemist Age: Fifteen.


"What the hell," House snarked. "Since when has the military been recruiting brats in grade school?"

Elric shrugged. "I'm precocious."

"Yeah, whatever." House wasn't in the mood for child prodigies today. "Take your precocious little ass over behind that screen and strip to your skivvies."

"My WHAT?" The boy goggled at House.

House pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's slang for underwear, you wear boxers or briefs?"

The boy sneered at him just before ducking behind the screen. "Boxers, of course. Only perverts like Colonel Bastard wear briefs."

House made a face. Best not to tell the kid I'm a briefs man!

Uneven footsteps came from behind the screen, and House was startled by the metal attachments on the kid's right arm and left leg. "I told you to strip to your skivvies," he growled. "And that includes the armor you're wearing."

"This isn't armor, it's automail, prosthetic limbs. I had an uh - accident a few years ago!"

"Interesting!" The boy stood somewhat patiently while House turned his metal arm and wrists, left and right and flexed the wrist and fingers. "This feels rather heavy, doesn't it bother you knowing this might have stunted your growth?"

It was the wrong thing to say as Elric jerked back and his face flushed a dull red. "Whoareyoucallingsoshorthecouldbecrushedbyastethoscopeyouoldfart!"

House was insulted by the reference to his age and he snapped back "Whoareyoucallingsooldhecanrememberwhendirtwasinventedyoumaladjustedwhippersnapper!"

Breathing heavily, both doctor and patient glared at each other through narrowed eyes. Edward didn't know what to make of House, not only was he not frightened by his angry outburst, he had responded with one of his own. And House didn't know what to make of Edward, who acted far older than his purported fifteen years.

The clock in the examining room dinged six o'clock, so House sighed and said "Look kid, neither of us want to be here, personally, I'd rather be relaxing with a cold beer and some hot jazz. You'd probably rather be at home enjoying milk and cookies, so do me a favor. Keep your trap shut and cooperate and you'll be out of here in twenty minutes, tops."

The boy growled in annoyance, but he eventually nodded his head and let House get on with the physical: first, he took a blood sample, then his pulse. His listened to Ed's heart and lungs, put a tongue depressor in his mouth and told him to say "ahhh", and checked his eyes. Like all the other physicals that day, the kid checked out in A-one condition, but there was one more test to do before he could call it quits.

After he reached into a box next to him, House snapped on the umpteenth pair of latex gloves and directed, "O.K. kid, I saved the best for last. Drop your boxers and bend over."

"Huh? WHAT? Edward turned pale.

"I have to examine your prostate digitally."

"What does THAT mean?"

House smiled in a way Edward didn't like. "It means I get to stick a finger up your ass and cop a feel. Yeah, I know, oh joy, the fun things we doctors get to do to you poor bastards."

Edward was glaring again. "Dammit! I knew it! All you adults are perverts!"

"Only the ones who enjoy it, kid," House's smile turned into a smirk. "Now drop the boxers and bend over, I'll give you a lollipop after I'm done."

Golden eyes drilled into dark blue ones for a moment, then Edward heaved a large sigh and a pair of blue boxers pooled on the floor. The boy sighed again and bent over the examing table...

...Edward's scream could be heard all the way to the end of the hall...

House ticked off the last item on his checklist. DONE! Once the kid was finished dressing - he'd been grumbling under his breath since the digital exam was over - he could get out of here and explore what passed for nightlife in Central. He hoped jazz had been invented in this world, but if not, he would just have to introduce it - and soap operas.

Under a full head of wounded pride, Edward stomped from behind the screen in a fit of teenage pique. Wait'll I tell Al about this...no! wait! what am I saying? I can't tell Al, it'll scare him so badly he'll never want to get his body back! Dammit! If Mustang finds out, I'll never hear the end of this...

He stopped briefly to give House the famous Elric glare.

"Don't give me that look kid, it's part of being male. Women get yeast infections, guys get prostate exams; and by the way, your barn door is open."

Edward looked down and choked on his embarrassment, then pointedly turned his back on House and zipped up his leather trousers while House finished his statment.

"You're wound too tight kid, so take my advice and play with yourself on a regular basis. You'll sleep better after a good ya-yaing of the brotherhood every now and then."

Edward didn't answer, but he grabbed the doorknob and yanked the door open with rather more force than he needed before he stalked through - but instead of slamming the door, Edward paused and looked back at House, an evil little smirk crawling across his face.

"Hey Doctor!"

Absorbed in the task of putting away medical instruments, House didn't look up as he snapped back "Yeah, what?"

"Are you examining Colonel Bast - er, Mustang tomorrow?"

"Yeah? Why do you ask?"

Edward's smirk grew wider and House thought as he finally looked up; This kid is not normal 'cause children do not smirk at adults like that.

"Ohhh, nothing - really. Just make sure he takes off his gloves before you put yours on." And with that parting shot, Edward was gone, slamming the door so hard the thin walls of the room shook and leaving Dr. Gregory House to wonder just what he meant.

Author's note: See, that wasn't so bad. At the very least, I hope it brightened your day. Flames will be used to light my charcoal grill. Props to Kittygirl109 who was a very brave girl in offering to beta this, I hope it didn't give you fleas.