A/N: It's just a random bit of silliness. I blame it on drugs one of my OCs keeps giving me. It couldn't have been a plot-bunny, 'cause she would have eat it. Anyway, here goes:



BW. One-shot. Rampage and Depth Charge were fighting in a storm, and something unimaginable happened. Rattrap's processor shuts down, and Optimus is scarred for life.





The energon storm raged above the planet with the ferocity energon storms usually held, and it was perfectly matched by a battle taking place below. A battle that was more or less continuously going on for the past six years, but for the opponents it seemed to last for all their lives - which was actually true for one of them.

Meet Depth Charge, former security chief on Omicron, currently lying flat on his back, trying to keep the other bot off his throat.

Meet Rampage, former experiment X on Omicron, currently leaning over the other bot with every intention of ripping his throat out.

Two soaking wet metal forms on the hill top in the middle of the storm.
This kind of situation practically begs for an accident.
The lightening stroke.

Megatron suddenly had the most unpleasant feeling in his chest, and, having guessed what could be the cause of it, he hastily jerked the spark-box out of a sub-pocked. As soon as it appeared, he dropped it - not intentionally, but because it shocked him. All Predacons present watched as the crackling whips of energy coiled around it for a few blinding seconds, and then disappeared as suddenly as they appeared, leaving behind a strong smell of ozone and an empty squeeze-box. Megatron picked it up carefully. Nope, no sings of spark in there.
"How unfortunate," he sighed, tossing the thing into lava.
"Interesting," Tarantulas stated. "I think it was possible that Rampage was hit by a lightening, which forced his spark out of his shell, and the consequential trauma--" before he could tell how unusual qualities of immortal's spark, combined with the high energy of energon storm lightening could rip a temporary drift in the sub-warp plane, allowing the halves of spark to fuse back together, Megatron had whacked him upside the head, telling him to stop speaking nonsense.
And that was it for the Predacons.

The storm was long gone, having stepped aside for the sun hours ago. The sun exploited the opportunity, shining down on two metal figures sprawled on the ground few meters apart. They started to stir, moaning softly.

Observe as they scramble to their feet. Note how quickly they reach for their weapons as they notice each other. See how they freeze, guns trained at one another. Watch as they start to realize that something is terribly wrong here. Oh, this is going to be sweet.
Lets get on with the story.

They stood in a horrified silence, staring, green and red optics steadily widening, until the tension was too much to bear, and they both bellowed at the same time:

Depth Charge was missing for two months now, and even though he wasn't technically one of his crew, and definitely not the most popular bot around, Optimus still worried about him, and so one fine morning found him and Rattrap flying over the coast in search for the Maximals' prodigal son.

"Eh, Fearless Leader?" Rattrap ventured from where he was sat on Primal's hover board. "Yer not gonna like dis." He raised the small radar Rhinox had fixed for the search. "Dis says da ol' tuna is somewhere down dere, but..." He waved his hand at the scene below them.

On the beach, happily paddling in shallow waves and crunching crustaceans left vulnerable by the low tide, was today's menu extra special: Alaskan king crab with transmetal lining. Enjoy!

Oh-oh. This didn't bode well. If Depth Charge was in the same area as Rampage but not attacking him, he was most probably crippled or mortally wounded or both. Optimus landed in what he assumed was a safe distance, and, ignoring protesting whines behind him, called out. "Rampage!"

The crab turned, measured them with his gaze and gave out a disgusted 'ugh'. Only then he transformed, crossed his arms and stared. "What?"

Optimus and Rattrap glanced at each other and gripped their guns tighter. The lack of active aggressiveness from the crab was unexpected and unnerving.

Rampage stared more intensely. I want to tear your frames apart, I want to hear your screams, I want to see your sparks extinguishing in my hand, the gaze said. "You two wanted something?" the robot growled.

Feeling a little bit stupid (how many bots would simply ask a known mass-murderer for a missing person?) Optimus asked: "Where's Depth Charge?"

Rampage half shrugged and gestured with one arm to the ocean behind him.
Rattrap snarled. "We know dat much, ya stinking bomb can! Why isn't he fighting with ya?"
As far as they could say, the expression on killer's face was a smirk. "He said he was tired."

The Maximals exchanged glances again. Tired? To stop hunting X, Depth Charge would have to be exhausted to the point of off-lining! Rattrap was the one to vocalize that thought.
"Tired my skid plate, tin tank! What have ya done with him?"

The green optics flickered to the side momentarily. "None of your business," the crab bot murmured. And then he did something so normal and peaceful that Optimus almost shot him out of sheer surprise. He opened a comlink.
"Hey, Depth Charge..."

The response came after a while, in the familiar, snarly voice, only double harsh and groggy.
:::'Slag off.':::
"You have--"
:::'Slag. OFF. I'm sleeping, slaggit!':::
"You have visitors here," Rampage informed, emphasizing 'visitors'.
:::'Tell them to slag off too.'::: Depth Charge's voice instructed over the link.
The huge transformer glanced at the sky with a longsuffering look on his face.
"Your guests are about to scrap me," he baited. It was a lie. The two Maximals were at this point too busy testing the maximal stretch of their jaw hinges to be a threat.
:::'You're immortal, stupid. Now leave me be.'::: By the sound of it, the manta ray was about to wander back in the off-line land.

Rampage looked at Optimus with a 'he's-like-that-all-the-time' scowl, and then he resorted to his new favorite dirty trick. His optics gleamed with an eerie, yellowish-greenish-bluish light, and Depth Charge ROARED.
"AARRgghH! RaaaaaamPAAAAGE!" The teal form of manta erupted from the waves few paces offshore. "I'm gonna KILL you this time!" The bot transformed in the air and went straight for the offender. They clashed and rolled past surprised rescue party in a tight ball of flailing limbs and insults.

Optimus blinked a few times. The situation was of rather unusual kind, and it didn't help that Rattrap started giggling quietly. Optimus wondered briefly how possible it was that all other bots present went insane without him noticing.
"Er, Depth Charge?..." he ventured.
"Just a minute, Primal," the addressed bot grunted, doing his best to dislodge some of Rampage's parts. "I'm finishing preparing crab-legs for you."

Before poor maximal leader could process the information, the crab bot gained an upper hand. "I believe they would prefer fish-sticks," he declared, brining his fist hard on the teal fin/wing.

"Er..." Optimus took a few steps back, as the aggressive tangle rolled closer to him. "Do you... need... assistance?"
The momentum brought Depth Charge to kneeling on the red bot's back, and he snorted contemptuously. "No I don't."
Rampage kicked back, throwing the guardian off and threw himself at him. "Yes he does!"
A grunt and a well aimed punched later Depth Charge leaned over his opponent. "No I don't!" he snarled into his face.
Another punch later Rampage leaned over his opponent. "Yes you do!"

Rattrap sunk to the ground, giving up any pretences of seriousness, and proceeded with laughing his head off. Optimus gaped.

Depth Charge growled, and his optics suddenly flashed the same weird colors the crab had demonstrated earlier, which looked even more spooky on him, due to his natural optic color.
Rampage yipped like a kicked puppy, clutching at his chest and doubling over. "Cheat!" he gasped.
Ignoring the accusation, the guardian promptly took advantage of crab's distraction, grabbed a handful of white side-horns (1) and started explaining the depths of his displeasure, emphasizing each word with a /clang/ of a head impacting with the ground.

"I--don't--like--to be--woken--up--this--way! Got it?"
Rampage spat out some mud. "Got it."
"Good." Depth Charge released his captive and turned to Optimus. "What do you--" he frowned. "Is he all right?"

Optimus glanced down, where Rattrap was having hysterics at his feet. "I'm not sure," he said weakly. His processor was just finishing piecing the fragments of a puzzle together, and he certainly couldn't see anything funny in the picture that formed!

Behind DC's back, Rampage got up and started brushing himself off. "...grumblegrumblestupidoldtimergrumblegrumble..." He directed an angry green gaze at the teal bot. "This is police brutality, fishface! I have witnesses this time, I'm going to sue you!"
"Oh, sure, I'd love to see this," Depth Charge snapped. " 'Hallo, Your Honor, I am a mass-murderer and I believe I had been mistreated.' Can't wait."
"Shut up with the mass-murderer already!"
"Make me!"
For a moment they stared at each other, both doing the 'weird lights in the optics' trick again.

A distraught, wordless squeak from Optimus interrupted them.
"You," the Maximal gasped pointing between the teal and the red bot. "You two are bonded! As in..." he paused for a moment, but his processor didn't come up with anything innovative - "...spark-bonded..." he finished lamely, a bigger part of him refusing to acknowledge the fact.

The two bristled and crossed their arms. "So what?" They snapped.

Optics so wide that they covered almost half of his face, Optimus felt a sudden need to sit down. "How did that happen?" he asked, voice weak and high pitched in shock.

The two scowled and looked away in opposite directions. "Wasn't MY fault," They said. Then they whirled to face each other. "Yes it WAS!" Then the synchronization was broken.
"You started it!" Depth Charge yelled, pointing accusingly.
"I didn't know that would happen! And it's not my fault you panicked!"
"I didn't! I was just dying, you were the one who was panicking!"
"Well I was forced out of my shell, I'd like to see you acting calm in my place!"
"I certainly wouldn't launch blindly at someone else's spark!"

Optimus very slowly shook his head. "This isn't happening," he said to himself, and felt someone patting his knee.
"I 'ave seen planet-eaters..." Rattrap choked out between giggles.
"Shuddup, Rattrap..."
"I've seen Flashback the Supple... (2) " the small bot insisted.

"Rusted old bucket!"
"Sadistic brat!"
"Fish can!"
"Crab legs!"
"Mad cop!"

"But none could math horrors
of the Old Married Couple." Rattrap finished cheerfully and went back to laughing.

The lame rhymes spawned by some poet wannabe of old finally snapped Optimus out of the stupor. He purposefully grabbed his laugh-incapacitated subordinate by the neck and loaded him on the hover board.

"If you hadn't trailed after me all the time, it would have never happened!"
"It wasn't MY idea to fight in the middle of the storm!"
"Oh, so it was MY fault you tried to ambush me?"

The rest of this, thankfully, was taken away by the wind, as Optimus flew the Pit out of there. "I'm going to need a therapy," he murmured miserably.


--Spark-bond -- A permanent link shared between two transformers, which can be formed in the act of -- spark merging. The physics of the process is still discussed, but it is common believe that each bond-mate holds a small part of the other's spark. Interesting side-effect is that, in some cases, the older bonder gains some measure of control over the younger one. That, along with the fact that the link gives the bond-mates a limited insight on each other emotions and thoughts, causes that the act of bonding is rare and is considered an ultimate sign of love and trust.


(1) - How on Earth do you call this things on the sides of Rampage's head? Mandibles? Exognaths? Something else? How? PM me if you know!

(2) - Don't ask. Just don't. /shudders/


A/N: Do you have any questions? You HAVE? Oh, goodie! Feel free to review and ask them!

P.S. - I can anticipate one of the questions:

"Are you sane?" - I have to say, I'm not sure myself...
"What are you on?" - No idea. Ask Kittar.
"Where did that thing come from?" - See above.