A/N: This is something that came to my mind while I was jogging. It's rather random and I know this sort has been done many times. I just tried to think what Snape would say if he found fanfiction. I don't know how funny it is, but I tried.

Disclaimer: He's not mine (I can only wish), so don't sue. I am dirt poor and this one isn't going to change that matter!

A Letter to Fanfiction Authors

By SisterG

Madam,

It was brought to my attention that you are planning to write a story that is centred on my character. I assure you, I fully understand there is nothing I can do to prevent the drabbles of pitiable fangirls plaguing all the channels designed for this particular purpose. However, I wish to set few rules before you actually publish the story - pathetic it most certainly will be - that I advice you to follow. Or else suffer my displeasure.

First of all, I would like to underline the fact of certain relations between me and other characters. The old coot, Dumbledore, is not my father or any other blood relation. My father was called Tobias Snape and he was a Muggle. My mother was Eileen Prince, a woman of pure and noble breeding.

That brings me to another matter. I am aware that many wish to ship me with various different women. However, I wish to point out that I am not a romantic man. I find it hard and rather unnecessary to discuss my feelings. But I do have the normal needs of men and am fully capable of satisfying a woman if she is worthy of my attention. I am not picky, but there are few attributes I prefer. I do not mean only physical ones that many men find the only ones that matter. The women - and the stress is on the word women - that find my interest must be on the level of my intelligence and understand the darker sides of life. (And no, in under no circumstances I am referring to Mad Bella. That woman uses baby talk, Merlin forbid!) The women who are looking for a romantic, wounded, misunderstood Victorian hero better look elsewhere.

Harry Potter is not my son. I will say that only once. The matter of Miss Evans and I put aside, there is no chance The-Boy-Who-Does-Anything-In-His-Power-To-Get-Himself-Killed-By-Sheer-Lack-Of-Common-Sense would be a product of my loin. The same goes with Draco Malfoy. (Have you not paid attention? He is the spitting image of Lucius Malfoy.) And I do not have daughters.

Also, I know many authors prefer something called slash for reasons that I don't fully understand. What I find curious is that many of these authors are women and girls. But that matter aside as well, I would like to make you aware that the same rules apply with men as apply with women.

There are few ships I most whole-heartedly oppose. I don't find Remus Lupin any way attractive. He is a werewolf who tried to kill me and ever since has continuously played that pitycard of misunderstood creature. (I would like to point out that he put students in danger when neglecting to take his Wolfsbane potion and let a known murderer into Hogwarts' grounds.)

In a relationship (to lack a better word) I am the dominant one. As a footnote I also would like to add that I would never fall in love with that mutt, Sirius Black. Only way that I would encage a sexual relationship with him is to humiliate and use him.

I do wish you took this advice to your heart before puking out the story you have been contemplating in your head.

With best regards

Severus Snape

Additional Authors note: Before the Lupin fans flame me, I would like to point out this is Snape talking, not me. I have nothing against Remus Lupin. (Though he does use the werewolf card quite a bit.) I don't blame Lupin on the Shrieking Shack incident on their sixth year. I blame the mutt Sirius. (I agree with Severus on that one!)