Boilerplate Disclaimer: Disney owns all the various characters from the Kim Possible series. Any and all registered trade names are property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.
Note for continuity freaks: This takes place in the summer following Equinox Carol
And if you've missed A Markov's Follow the Queen shame on you. Check it out. Poker night at Kim's place get weird - even by Casa Possible standards. And there is also a sequel.
Monkey Business III
Fetid ooze dripped from the lichen-covered walls of the ancient temple. The electric lights, stark contrasts with their surroundings, glowed dimly in the miasmic atmosphere of the jungle shrine. From under beetling brows their captor's eyes, rimmed red with a touch of hate and madness, glared at his two captives. His voice, which once reflected the cultured tone of an educated English gentleman, cracked as he spoke - weeks and months spent without human contact had left his voice harsh. "I've waited years, but now the time for my revenge is complete." He grinned at his prisoners, Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable - both in Global Justice warm climate uniforms.
"This is your fault, Ron. We shouldn't have gone out without backup. Monkey Fist rates a Class B threat and protocol demands-"
"CLASS B? I'M A CLASS A THREAT TO WORLD SECURITY!"
Kim continued, ignoring the interruption, "that a full team be sent into the field in such a case."
"Protocol? Kim Possible citing protocols? Don't go Will Du on me, Kim. I know you outrank me-"
"Ron, you're the only part-time field agent Global Justice has. You've got to make up your mind about whether you're really going to join or not. This should have been a six person team."
"ONLY SIX? YOU WOULD STOP ME WITH SIX AGENTS?"
Ron ignored their captor as well, "Come on, this guy is my archenemy. You don't bring an army to fight your archenemy. You shoot it out on Main Street at high noon with the sun setting behind you in the East."
"You're mixing metaphors. Have you been reading Señor Senior's book?"
"Well, he dedicated it to me."
"You didn't have to go down to the radio station with him and let them interview you to promote it!"
"It's really a good book. The man has a real flair for the dramatic."
"Can we drop Señor Senior?"
"Fine by me, because you know, KP, it's really your fault we got caught. I mean, you're the one who stepped in the trap - not me."
"Well, shouldn't your monkey sense have given us a warning of some kind?"
"KP, you're confusing me with the Spiderman comic. He has spider sense."
"I thought he had mystical spider power."
"No, no. He has the proportionate strength of spider and spider sense. I have the mystical monkey power."
"Well, if you'd join Global Justice for real and we went on more missions together I might remember that better."
"You could have just stayed home with Shego if you wanted to argue."
"SHUT UP!" the madman shrieked. "This is no time for finger pointing! There aren't going to be any more missions! You're both going to die! This is your moment to fear my triumph! This is the time to contemplate the torment and suffering I will… Woman? What are you doing?"
"I'm serving our guests tea and cookies."
"They aren't our guests, they are my prisoners."
"Oh, nonsense Monty, we still need to be good hosts. Snickerdoodles, Kimberly?"
"Why, thank you Amy."
"No thank you."
"Oh, that's right. You're not a fan of the snickerdoodles. I think we have all the ingredients for the chocolate chip cookies you like."
"That would be awesome."
The madman's nostrils flared, sniffing the air, "Are you serving them my Earl Grey?"
"It was the only tea I could find. You really need to get in for supplies more often."
"But that's my tea!"
"Well you should have thought of that before you had company."
"I didn't invite them… WAIT! They are my prisoners, not company. Why are you serving my prisoners my tea?"
"I already told you, it was the only tea I could find."
In the face of such insurmountable logic Monkey Fist squatted on his haunches, his hairy knuckles dragging on the ground as he watched with anger as Amy poured his Earl Grey for his prisoners.
"How are the girls, dear?"
"Oh, they are wonderful. They want to know when Holly will be back to visit," Kim answered.
"Well, you can see I am a little busy with Monty right now, but I promised to be back for their next birthday at the very latest."
"Shego was really hoping you would go straight."
"Oh, I'm still considering it. But first I had to help the man I love." Monkey Fist pretended the conversation was not happening.
At the end of the tea break DNAmy threw a kiss to Monty, then turned back to the cage. "I'll start your cookies right away, Ronald."
"You have to give me the recipe, they are incredible."
"Thank you dear. I'm glad some people appreciate my cooking." She glanced back Monty, who was still pretending none of this was happening.
As the stout woman disappeared back into the corridor by which she had entered the inner sanctum of the temple the Englishman sighed to himself, "Where was I?"
"Something about a slow painful death for us and then you are the ultimate master of Monkey Kung Fu of the universe, then yada yada yada, probably something about taking over the world."
"SHUT UP! I was asking a rhetorical question." Monty sighed again; he had always imagined the final triumph over his archenemy, Ron Stoppable, would be a more joyful occasion. But when he had finished the hideously slow and painful death he had planned for these two he would be left again with HER as his only human companion.
Hunched over, still sometimes dragging his knuckles, the Englishman paced back and forth in front of the cage, muttering to himself as his mind weighed his options. To Kim and Ron, watching from behind the bars, it was almost as if Monty was the caged animal. Finally, having lulled the pair into relaxing for a minute through his routine, Monkey Fist quickly reached through the bars and grabbed Ron by the front of his uniform. He jerked the young man against the bars, his own face only inches from the face of his enemy, Monkey Fist demanded, "You have to help me!"
"Help you? What do you mean, dude?"
"She's ruining me! She said she would help me, but she's ruining me."
"Whoa, slow down. What's the problem?" Ron's voice had a sympathetic tone as he tried to discover what could reduce his enemy to this state.
Monty dropped Ron, and went back to his hunched pacing. "Well, as you know, my monkey ninjas are tremendous fighters, but let's face it…" His voice trailed off.
Kim finished the thought, "They never get more than two and a half feet tall or weigh more than about nineteen pounds. It takes several of them to bring down just about anyone."
"Exactly. Do you know how many monkey ninjas it would require to take over the world? And to remain in power? And do you know how long it takes to train my monkey ninja corps? When Amy found me she promised to improve my monkey ninjas if I let her stay. She would use her genetic zipper to join them with another creature…" His voice trailed off again.
"She didn't do it?"
"Oh, she fused some of my monkey ninja corps with Angora cats."
"So she's making them house pets?"
Monkey Fist stared at him with haggard eyes, "NO! The Angora monkey ninjas aren't any larger than my regular monkey ninjas, but they are a thousand times more evil. The fangs that bite, the claws that catch," he shuddered at the thought.
"Well, evil is good, right?" Ron asked.
"No," Monty whispered, "there are two problems. First, they won't listen to me. Have you ever tried to train a cat? What good is an army which won't listen to its general? They are as likely to tear me apart as my enemies!"
"And the second problem?" Kim asked.
Monkey Fist shuddered again, "They're cute. Who will take me seriously if I attempt to take over the world leading an army of cute Angora monkey ninjas?"
Ron adopted a sympathetic expression, "You'll think of something. I have faith in you."
"Oh, I've thought of something." He drew a key from his black gi. "This opens your cell door. Promise me you will point Amy in the wrong direction and I leave immediately with all my loyal monkey ninjas. She can release you. Do you promise? I will destroy you at a later time."
"You got my word on that, man."
"Thank you, you are a worthy archenemy, Ron Stoppable." Monkey Fist turned and fled up one of the stone lined tunnels leading from the temple's center.
Some twenty minutes later they heard DNAmy's voice, "You hoo! Anyone want warm chocolate chip cookies?"
"I do!" Ron called.
Amy walked in with another pot of tea and a plate full of cookies. "What happened to Monty?"
"He left," Kim explained. "He said you could release us."
"Isn't he just the sweetest man? Which way did he go?"
Ron pointed down a corridor exactly opposite from the direction Monty had fled.
"No, he went that way," said Kim, pointing out the actual tunnel Monkey Fist had used.
"Ahhh, Kim, we promised."
"You promised. I'd rather be honest with Amy."
Amy set the cookies and teapot down by the cell door and located the key. Kim breathed a little sigh of relief as the key actually turned in the lock. Ron stepped out and picked up the cookies, but opening the door seemed to trigger a switch. Kim's eyes opened wide in terror as she heard the metallic clang of spring-loaded doors being opened. She grabbed Amy and pulled her into the cage, "Ron, close and lock the cage door with us inside! Fast!"
Ron responded automatically, only asking his question after he had fastened the door. "What's wrong KP?"
"Monty said he was leaving with his loyal monkey ninjas. That means that-" Kim's words were drowned out by hideous howls as fully two dozen Angora monkey ninjas surrounded the prison. Thin little arms tipped with razor sharp claws were thrust between the bars in a vain effort to get at the occupants of the cage.
The trio sat cross-legged in a small circle at the center of the cage. "Another cookie, Ronald?"
"Thank you, Amy. They are delicious. What's your secret?"
"A mix of chopped almonds with the English walnuts-"
"About half and half?"
"Exactly, and about half again as many chocolate chips as the recipe calls for. Kimberly, would you like another one?"
"No thank you, Amy, they're terribly rich. Ron, you seem awfully happy. Do you like the cookies that much?"
"No, KP, just enjoying how Monkey Fist helped restore my faith in human nature."
"I don't understand."
"I'm living under the same roof as Shego, Dr. Drakken comes over for poker night, Amy has been a house guest, and Señor Senior, Senior asked me to a book signing and had me on a radio promotion for his autobiography. It's just nice that some things don't change."
The Angora ninja monkeys continued to circle outside the cage, howling and hissing for the blood of the occupants. "Another cup of tea, Kimberly?"
"Thank you very much, Amy. Are you at all concerned about getting out of here alive?"
Amy lost her smile and her voice took on a hard edge as she answered Kim. "Don't be condescending - and don't mistake my childlike joie de vivre for ignorance. I'm not going to create anything which is a danger to me. I hardwire my own safety into every one of my portmanteau creatures. You only need to worry about getting Ronald and yourself out of this."
"I apologize Amy, I probably do underestimate you. May I ask how much of your joie de vivre is what Shego calls deception and misdirection?"
"Oh, I'll let you decide for yourself," the stout woman said - the broad grin returning to her face. "Are you sure you don't want another cookie or two? You and Ronald will work that off escaping and getting back to the village."
Kim returned the smile, "Thank you, I will. And thank you for restoring my faith in human nature."
After Amy slipped out Kim and Ron sat back-to-back in the middle of their prison, staring out at the bloodthirsty monsters howling for their flesh.
"Quiet, Ron. I'm trying to think about how to get out of this."
"I was just going to say, Monkey Fist was right. They are cute little buggers."
Kim briefly toyed with the idea of throwing Ron to the Angora monkey ninjas and escaping while they tore him to pieces, then sighed and went back to planning a real escape.
Author's Note: There is a slight chance this will be converted into chapter one or two of a longer work which will bring Kim and Ron in contact with virtually all their old enemies in one fashion or another.