Disclaimer: I do not hold the rights to anything. Nothing at all. Not even my soul.....
A/N: Hey, guess what? It's been a year and a half since I last updated this story! Does anyone still care? I seriously doubt it. But it's 11:30 at night, I'm really bored, and I just got a really sudden itch to write this after doing through my Yu-Gi-Oh cards again for no apparent reason. So, if anyone with half a brain ever bothers to look at this nonsensical, unintentionally-politically-incorrect crap-heap, enjoy!
TV Announcer Guy: (Is sitting at home in his underwear, eating ice cream and watching Dateline) Huh? What're you guys doing here? This is my house! You can't come in here! AAAAAAAAHHH! HOME INVASION!!!(Runs into the kitchen to grab a frying pan) If a granny can fight off robbers, so can I!......Wait a minute, you guys don't look like burglars...You just look like a bunch of nerdy kids. Hang on, if I'm being visited by people like you, does this mean that the E-Hero story is back? I have a job again?! (A look of glee comes across his face) Wow, I thought the recession killed the fanfic-narrator industry. Geez, I look like crap! Hang on, I'll be back! (Runs off to his bedroom and returns five minutes later, with combed hair, a tie and a microphone. Still in his underwear, though) Okay, now where were we? Oh yeah!
Holy incompetence Batman! It seems that in their insanely long absence, the E-Heroes have been kicked out of Hero Tower! Oh, my! And their rivals, the Destiny Heroes, have moved in as their replacements! What a terrible insult! Now the E-Heroes, not going down without attempting to fight, have challenged the D-Heroes to a series of one-on-one duels to see who is the better hero team! Of course, logic would say the E-Heroes would have their heinies handed to them, but don't count them out yet! The D-Heroes seem to be just as chemically-imbalanced as the E-Heroes are, so there's still hope of their team collapsing in on itself and failing miserably in a serious situation like our favorite hero team usually does! And, of course, there's always Deus Ex Machina.....So sit back, relax, and prepare to laugh at their suckage, as we visit the E-Heroes on another one of their misadventures! Weeee!
The setting: Hero Tower. The Place: The tower's main lobby. The People: a bunch of skeletons permanently fixed into dramatic poses. .....Oh crap, looks like we waited too long to write this chapter and all the Heroes died of starvation and neglect. Damn, just as I finally got the urge to continue this story, all my main cast goes off and freaking dies!
.....Oh, wait a minute, there they all are; they just all got tired of waiting and moved to the TV room. All those skeletons must just be some sort of creepy sculpture the D-Heroes put in after the redecorated the Hero Tower. Never mind. Continuing on!
Both teams of "heroes" were sitting on a massively large couch in the Tower's TV room, watching Rocky IV. Well, most of them were attentive to the movie; Clayman was playing with a toy airplane in a corner of the room, Dreadmaster was beating his head angrily off a wall, and Bubbleman was in the process of gnawing one off his legs off.
Just then the end credits started rolling across the screen.
"That was a pretty kick-ass movie!" Captain Tenacious exclaimed, stretching his arms.
"Yes, a fine and entertaining effort at film making," Doom Lord said in his atonal voice.
"Are you kidding me?!", Avian retorted, "That movie sucked!"
"I can't believe I've found something more stupid than Bubbleman..." Bladedge said in shock.
"TWINKIES!!!!" Bubbleman exclaimed on cue.
"Yo dawg," Diamond Dude butted in with a completely different personality than last time because I hadn't figured out his characterization yet, "It ain't our faults if y'all be hatin' this awesome movie."
"Good lord man, your grammar is deplorable!" Sparkman said with all his limey goodness.
"This coming from the Brit..." Burstinitrix interjected insultingly.
"You's guys wants'ta start somethin'?!" Fear Monger said in his inexplicable New York dialect. "I'll go all East Joysey on yo' asses!"
"I hate everybody...." Necroshade said apathetically.
"WRRRAAAAAUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!" Dreadmaster growled for no reason and continued bashing his head against the wall he was chained to.
"Now, now, people. There's no need for senseless violence over something as trivial as a film," Double Dude said gentlemanly.
"Yes there is!" shouted several members of the group at one.
"Why don't we just settle this matter in a civilized fashion like I proposed last chapter: with one-on-one death combat!" Double Dude said cheerfully. "Isn't that right, Blade Master?"
"Everyone's out to get me, man! They're all out to get me, man! They're gonna take me to the happy home even though I told them I'm fine and I don't need to go but they're taking me away anyway, MAN! They're all out to get me....I didn't even get any lines last chapter!" Blade Master said, rocking back and forth in the fetal position on the couch.
"Err....anyway," Double Dude started, "How about it, everyone? Who's up for killing each other?"
Everyones' hands shot up at once, unsurprisingly. Except, of course, Clayman, who sighed at the thought of having to fight again; Bubbleman, who has succeed in biting his leg off and was now parading around the room, triumphantly waving it in the air and then promptly falling on his face because he only has one leg; and Dreadmaster, who wanted to partake in the mindless violence; but couldn't raise his hand because it was chained to the floor.
Double Dude, holding a ye olde lantern in his hand, lead the two groups of dysfunctional heroes down a stairway carved from the stone into the deep dark depths of the basement of the Hero Tower. It was a surprisingly long journey, taking almost an hour to complete; mostly because you couldn't take more than five steps before some stupid, petty argument broke out between two people; and also because the single-legged Bubbleman feel on his face several times and was eventually just kicked down the stairs by a very angry Burstinitrix. And, even though it was a straight stairway, Avian managed to get lost. Imagine that.
Eventually, the group found managed to stop fighting long enough to find their way down a SINGLE FLIGHT OF STAIRS to enter the Hero Tower basement. Though instead of the usual stuff you'd expect to find in a basement: boxes, old stuff, hot water heaters, mold, hostages, etc.; there was a large arena, complete with stadium seating and a concession stand selling nachos at six bucks a pop.
"Holy crap, when'd we get this installed?" Avian asked confusedly.
"Dude, this would be perfect for a LARP battle!" Neos exclaimed, with visions of fat guys fighting with foam swords filling his geeky head.
"Remind Wildheart of home," Wildheart said in the third person, "Rite of Passage in Warrior village. Lots of fighting, pit of death. Me homesick now..."
"Did you guys do this?" Bladedge asked Captain Tenacious.
"Naaah," Tenacious replied, "This was here when we moved in. Looked like someone was having gladiator battles down here or something"
"What kind of cruel, sadistic bloke would do something like that in this day an' age?" Sparkman asked Britishly.
Everyone turned towards Burstinitrix instinctively. Burstinitrix seemed to be reminiscing about something.
"Oh yeah, now I remember what I did down here. Hobo fights. Good times, good times...." the angry heroine said, trailing off into memory lane.
"Well, anyway, shall we get started with the bloodshed, then?" Double Dude said, rubbing his hands together.
"WWWRRRRAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!! CRUSH!!! CRUSH!!!! SMASH!!!! BLARGHHH!!!!!" Dreadmaster screamed in blind, targetless wrath.
"Everyone go BOOM!!!" Bubbleman squeeled happily.
"So, how're we gonna decide who fights each other, huh?" Avian asked, "We got some sort of computer that'll match us up based on our abilities or something?"
"Precisely," Double Dude said matter-of-factly as he lifted a veil on a device sitting in the middle of the spectator box they were in. "Gentlemen.....and lady," he started, acknowledging Burstinitrix, who was flipping him off, "this contraption here is called the Plot Device. It performs any function the author wants it to, so long as it advances the story. In this case, it will now pair up the opponents from each respective team in their own respective match. The combatants will be selected by how similar their abilities are, and how humorous the author presumes the fight between them will be." Double Dude stood back as the Plot Devices started to hum. "Now, in order of when they fight, here are the battles:"
A large screen materialized on the front of the Plot Device, blank at first, but eventually began to play some sort of UFC-style commercial that went something like this:
"SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!! OR WHATEVER DAY IT IS YOU'RE READING THIS," the Plot Device shouted with all the simulated passion of a sportscaster, "BE THERE FOR THE CAGE MATCH OF THE CENTURY!!! IT'S LEAGUE VERSUS LEAGUE; HERO VERSUS HERO; MENTAL PATIENT VERSUS MENTAL PATIENT!!! DON'T MISS THE EPIC THAT IS THE AWESOME THAT IS THE ELEMENTAL HERO VERSUS DESTINY HERO SUPER-DEATH-CAGE-BATTLE-FIGHT-WAR-SKIRMISH-RRRRRAAAAAWWWWRRRRR!!!! FEATURING FIGHTS SUCH AS: AVIAN VS. CAPTAIN TENACIOUS; THE BATTLE OF THE LEADERS!!! BURSTINITRIX VS. FEAR MONGER; CLASH OF THE TEMPERS!!! DOUBLE DUDE VS. SPARKMAN; WHO CAN BE MORE POLITE?!?! CLAYMAN VS. DEFENDER; A CONTEST OF IRON (OR MAYBE STONE) WILLS!!! BLADEDGE VS. BLADE MASTER; POINTY PERSON VERSUS POINTY PERSON!!! DIAMOND DUDE VS. NEOS; SOCIAL STEREOTYPE COMBAT!!! NECROSHADE VERSUS DOOM LORD; EMO SANDWICH!!! WILDHEART VERSUS DREADMASTER; WHO IS MORE UNCIVILIZED?!?! AND WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR; THE GREATEST FIGHT OF ALL TIME: BUBBLEMAN VS. DASHER; WHOSE GENERAL PREMISE IS DUMBER!?!?"
"Hey, I take offense to that!," Dasher exclaimed.
"Shut up, nobody likes you," Captain Tenacious snapped back at Dasher, who, looking very sad, just sat down and started spinning the wheels attached to his feet in depression.
"Woof woof! I brought you a bone!" Bubbleman said with his severed leg in his mouth, down on all fours(Threes now, I guess). He dropped it at Avian's feet, who kicked it into the arena, where a hungry, hungry hobo took it and ran off with it.
"Well, that commercial certainly was exciting," Sparkman said.
"JUST EXCITING?!? IT WAS EFFING EXTREME!!!!!! WWWWRRRRAAAAARRRRRR!!!" the Plot Device shouted back at Sparkman; who in response to this unplugged the machine. "EXXXTTTTRRrrreeemmmeeeee.........." were it's last words as it lost power.
"Now that the matches are determine; LET THE BLOODSPORT BEGIN!!!" Double Dude exclaimed. "....In the next chapter, of course."
A/N: Yeah, that's right, you guys aren't allowed to have anything until next time. I'm such an ungrateful bastard, aren't I?
I'm not going to make any promises about the time frame of the next update, because I never keep them. I'm going to use the Valve policy here and just say it's done when it's done. This probably wasn't anywhere near my best chapter, because it's been a year and four months since I added to this poorly-written excuse for narrative. And also it's really late at night. Like, 1:30 in the morning at the time of writing this. I really only typed this up because I had, like, the ultimate impulse of ultimate destiny. Where was I? Oh yeah, next chapter will be up maybe. Till then, listen to the newly-rehired TV Announcer Guy.
Tv Announcer Guy: Wow, it certainly is great to have a job again! Now I can finally start paying child support to my ex-wife and two kids!......Pfft, what am I saying? Nobody ever bothers doing that! Anyway, the cage match battles have been set! The fighters are ready, and they're out for blood! Scary! Who will win? Who will lose? Who will spontaneously burst into show tunes in the middle of their battle? See how all the fights(or at least however many of them the author decides to elaborate on) in the next chapter of the Real Elemental Heroes! Hopefully, it doesn't end in sex.......