Author: Uchiha Yumi

Title: All you Need is LOVE

Genre: Humour, Romance

Summary: What happens when you're in love with your loud-mouthed fukutaichou but your loud-mouthed fukutaichou is in love with your step-sister? And what happens if said sister is in love with a certain orange-haired ryoka-boy? Byakuya x Renji, one-sided Renji x Rukia, Ichigo x Rukia

Rating: T

Parings: Byakuya x Renji; One-sided Renji x Rukia (on Renji's side), Ichigo x Rukia, other crack pairings appearing along the way.

Main Characters: Kuchiki Byakuya, Abarai Renji, Kuchiki Rukia, Kurosaki Ichigo – various others appearing.

Special thanks: A special thank to Lilya-chan and FunnyNeko, for reading and correcting all of my nasty stuff.

Disclaimer: Ieeeh! Kuchiki-taichou is so lucky! He owns both me and Renji! winks Too bad I don't have enough money to bribe him into having a threesome with me and his lover…

Notes: English is not my native tongue. Please tell me about my mistakes!

And I'm not good at writing about Bleach.

Okay, here we are – after six months of working on this fic and nearly 10 chapters done, I decided it was about time to start publishing it. But please, don't ask me "Update soon" or such, because I can't update soon, simply – too busy to go on writing new chapters at a fast rate.

I'll try to be short, but PLEASE, DO READ THIS NOTES:

1) it's humour, plain humour and its main pairing is Byakuya x Renji, Oh, and I usually hate IchiRukia stuff, but in this case the couple was useful to my ideas…

2) there is an aura of "modernity" in its plot: shinigami use pens and not brushes, they have phones in the divisions and so on…It's intentional. The rhythm of the narration is pretty slow. It's more about funny thoughts than action. That's just the way I like it.

3) Don't come and tell me Byakuya is OOC, please – I reflected so much about it and I realized that there are two levels of Byakuya in my story – the external one, always collected and cold and the internal one….XD Please, enjoy it…in the end…who knows what's hiding behind that icy mask of his?

4) ART TRADE! Is some of you willing to draw some ByakuyaRenji or RenjiRukia for me? Pretty please? I'll be a good girl and give you a fanfiction in return – everyone able to draw, please think about it!

Okay…enough blabbering…ON WITH THE SHOW!



"Uhhmmm…four days…"

Renji glanced at the calendar hanging on the white wall and sighed, rubbing the back of his head.

"Geez, four days!" he repeated with a higher tone, matter-of-factly.

He stared at the evil list of dates and numbers for a little longer, then turned around, reaching for his seat and heavily sinking in his chair, his legs crossed on the wooden desk.

"Four days…" he mumbled again, throwing his head backwards and staring at the ceiling. "Four days!" he shifted again, looking straight in front of him and frowning in direction of his captain.

Kuchiki Byakuya glanced at him with the corner of his eye, raising his head from the pile of modules he had to fill in.

How long could his noble decency tolerate such a thing? How long would he manage not to taint his precious SenbonZakura with the valueless blood of that Rukongai boy that, for instance, happened to be his Fukutaichou?

Not so long, truth to be told.

Sure, he had always hated the reckless, bad-ass attitude of Abarai Renji, he knew it perfectly. But, what he didn't know was that there was something even worse than his loud, impudent, impulsive, usual behaviour: seeing him nervous and impatient.

In fact, since the day - was it two weeks ago? Yeah, more or less – he knew Rukia was about to come back to Soul Society after a three-months-long mission, the major activity of Abarai Renji had become staring at the calendar.

Every single day, hour, minute, second had been clearly consecrated to the holy task of waiting-with-impatience-the-arrival-of-Princess-Rukia.

And, of course, with the consequent result of straining Kuchiki Byakuya's endurance.

Now, the point was that, probably, whether in fear or in shame, every other Fukutaichou would have avoided such an annoying behaviour in front of a Captain-ranked Shinigami.
But, given that Abarai Renji wasn't like any other Fukutaichou, he simply kept on acting like that, heavily sighing and staring at the freaking calendar every 5 seconds.

' Why can't he be a little more…submissive?'

But, as soon as that thought passed through his mind, a deep shade of red tainted his cheeks.

Of course, that wasn't the only situation in which, in Byakuya's holy opinion, Renji should have been more submissive.

He sighed heavily, then shook his head and looked back at his incomplete reports.

Renji just kept on randomly fixing his gaze on various objects in the room. Sure, various objects except his "beloved" paper-work.

"Renji" Byakuya finally uttered after a few moments "You know, it's not like time passes more quickly if you stare so intensively at the calendar…"

The red-headed shinigami jumped a bit on his chair "Huh? What? Were you talking to me, Kuchiki-taichou?"

"Do you see anyone else in the room?" he simply answered without raising his head from the papers. He sighed again "Why don't you at least find something interesting to do while waiting?"

"For example?" Renji asked, bored.

"For example your paper-work."

He raised both his tattooed eye-brows, then scratched the back of his head "Err…another example?"

Byakuya just shrugged "Never mind, Renji".

Abarai-fukutaichou scratched his head again, then rested his cheek on his right hand, blankly staring out of the window as heavy, hurting, painful sighs regularly parted from his lips every few moments.

Byakuya just furtively glanced at him again.

'Why can't I hear him sighing like that for other things?' his mind registered 'Oh God…I thought about it again!'

Sure, he did.

What had he been thinking about during the last few months?

Okay, a wet dream once in a while can be considered as a healthy expression of your male, prideful being.

But, once every night or, often, twice in a row, it can't be a mere coincidence, can it? By the way, even in that unfortunate case, he should say it was a very nice coincidence.

Well, at least if you don't consider the throbbing of desire left sadly unsatisfied.

Byakuya's eyes widened in realization

'Byakuya, stop it! It's SO unbecoming of you!' he scolded himself.

And he failed miserably for, after a few moments, his eyes couldn't help but being focussed on Renji. Exactly as Renji's ones were fixed – again – on the calendar.

It had now become a perfect equation, during the past two weeks.

Renji's eyes were focussed on the calendar or out of the window? Then, Byakuya's gaze indulged on that brawny, toned figure, slightly wondering when and where he would be able to see those red strands being loose again about his shoulder, this time, possibly, without blood leaking out of multiple wounds.

Or, maybe, he would have learnt how to enjoy the pleasure of licking away the blood…

Byakuya shook his head again, squeezing his eyes.

On the other hand though, every time Renji's lazy visual-analysis of their office ended up on him, his own eyes magically returned to the paperwork.

He sighed.

He really hated himself for being like that – more or less a coward.

He, the noble Kuchiki Byakuya-sama, Taichou of the Sixth Division, wasn't actually able to deal with his feelings. He could handle the overwhelming pain, the hardness of the battles, the weight of being the symbol and hope of his family, but he couldn't come to terms with the fact he was fatally attracted by his fukutaichou. Maybe it was because he was shy, or maybe because the situation was wrong on every level.

He was noble.

And Renji was not.

He was silent and reflective.

And Renji was not.

He was calm and didn't get angry very often.

And Renji did not.

Maybe, truth to be told, the only thing they had in common was the fact they both were males. But, in this case, surely that wasn't something in their favour.

Renji was his subordinate: it was against every law in Soul Society. And, because Renji was not rich or noble, it was against his family rules as well.


While Byakuya was peacefully torturing his head with those unpleasant thoughts, Renji still kept on staring ahead of him, his mind gone for some unknown and imprecise place.

Ok, maybe the place was known and a bit more definite: Karakura town. Kurosaki Ichigo's house, more exactly.

And, given that, maybe also his imaginary actions were already clear: virtually beating the crap out of Ichigo and then hugging his dear, sweet Rukia-chan.

Why the hell, with all the places on earth Rukia had to be re-assigned to that town!

Destiny was mean to him, that was the truth.

Firstly, he had had an hellish time to hook up with Rukia. Then, when he was about to convince her to date him, she had been sent to Earth and got injured, which meant being confined in a gigai for quite a long time.

Then again, the whole matter of her execution, the betrayal of the Captains and their mission in disguise as some students which didn't give him the long awaited results Renji hoped: Rukia was still at Orange-head's place.

Geez! So annoying!

And now?

Now, more or less one year later, his beloved was still stuck to that sort of "Shini-hollow" and, as if that wasn't enough, he just realized that his actual Taichou was Rukia's older brother.

Well, that's right, he knew it from the beginning. But, as time and events flew by, Renji did also grasp that Kuchiki Byakuya-taichou could also be a very protective brother.

And, if his memory didn't fail him, SenbonZakura's BanKai did hurt. Quite a lot.

He sighed, his brown irises glancing again at the evil tool of torture common people call "calendar".

Life was unfair.

Why the hell did he have to struggle so much to achieve his goal?

Maybe he was not cut off for the "full-time-job" of boy-friend, that is. Or, more simply, probably he didn't manage to impress her enough.

'And Kurosaki, then? What did he do to attract her so much?' he frowned in thought, resting his head again on his right hand ' I see...maybe it's because of his orange hair…' he pondered 'Maybe she likes particular guys…'

But then, given that Abarai Renji happened to have bright red long hair and a huge tattoo that, starting from his eyebrows, covered half of his body, it was absolutely plain it wasn't at matter of weird looks.

'Mmmhhh…I got it…Maybe it's because he is half hollow!' a glint of victory flashed for half a second on his face 'Naaaah…'

He suddenly calmed down again.

'Why didn't she hook up with a Menos, then? At least they have a certain appeal as hollows…' he nodded to himself in agreement.

Another sigh.

Yeah, it was true: women are troublesome and unreadable.

What did that skinny boy have more than the mighty Fukutaichou of the Sixth Division?

That question really hunted him, back then.

He had been quite desperate.

Very desperate.

Absolutely desperate.

Enough desperate to find the guts to go and ask Kyouraku-Taichou some tips about women.

He had brightly smiled at him, back then, and hugged him friendlily.

Then, he had said with solemn voice:

"You must treat women with utter respect. You must bring them flowers, dedicate them poems and sing them sweet songs" then he paused and whispered, winking "And always support them if they are in that period" again out loud "Isn't it true, my lovely, lovely Nanao-chan?"

And then, obviously Ise-fukutaichou had whacked him very hard on the head and more or less beat him up to a pulp.

Okay, maybe Renji didn't learn from that episode how to conquer a girl's heart, but, at least, he got perfectly a few things:

1) never rely on Kyouraku-taichou for sentimental matters,

2) women are scary

and 3) you must learn more or less to decipher when a girl is PMSing and then, avoid her as much as possible in those days.

The point was that, evidently, Ise-fukutaichou's PMSing-period was really, really long…

By the way, that wasn't the problem.

Not for him, at least.

He sighed.


Then he glanced at the calendar.


'Oh Gawd, now it's official, you're drugged with the calendar' he frowned in concern 'Or rather, you're drugged with Rukia…' he frowned even more, stealing a glimpse of his Taichou silently filling piles of modules and reports. 'Or, better still, you would like to be drugged with Rukia…'

He shook his head again, clenching his fists.

'C'mon, Renji, be a man and stop acting like that!'

But then, a little evil voice in the back of his head reminded him that, whenever he was thinking about Rukia, he was already enough man without any need of further encouragement.

Then, soon after this unpleasant remark of "little Devil-Renji", his "pretty male mind" started to shoot through his head a sudden series of very inappropriate thoughts, the purest of which was mainly involving leather strands and a washing machine set on the spin-dryer program.

But luckily, his rational mind immediately took control of the situation and reminded him that, in Soul Society they didn't use leather strands and didn't have washing machines and, if this perverted side of his being couldn't quite resist the urge to accomplish that folly, that would have meant he should have asked Urahara to provide him those objects.

And, if finding a good pretext to order a washing machine was rather easy, could he possibly say the same about the leather strands?

But then, when he was already about to compile a module and request some leather threads – possibly black – for "gardening purposes", his mind swung again, providing him the thought he could have ordered the goods personally at Urahara's shop on Earth, so perhaps he could have met Rukia and, if in the back of the shop there was enough room for two…

'ENOUGH!' Renji ordered himself to smother the bad, bad thought his mind was sinking in. 'Maybe Kuchiki-taichou is right…I can try to find something to do while waiting…Well, then! Why don't I organize something good to finally impress Rukia and have her for me? Hell yeah!'

"Hell Yeah", right, but…what exactly?

'Mmhhh…what can be big enough to please a girl and impress her for the rest of her life?' Renji wondered, scratching his chin in thought. – and obviously ignoring the not-so-innocent answer that "Little Devil Renji" suggested him.

Then, after a few moments, his lips curved into a happy smile and he slammed his hand on the desk, earning a sour look by his Taichou.

'Found it! A strip-tease show!'

Then, the utmost silence reigned in his head and, as soon as it appeared, his smile vanquished away.

'Good…How are you supposed to find strippers in Soul Society?' he frowned in concern 'Ok, one could be you, that's settled. And the others?'

His face lit up again in a broad grin 'The others shall be volunteers!' and the grin faded again in a few milliseconds. More precisely, as soon as his sick mind provided him the image of Zaraki-taichou or Yamamoto-taichou stripping down to their boxers, or worse, to their natural outfit…

'Okay, possibility number one, "strip-tease-show": FAILED. Now, on with Number Two…' he pondered a bit 'Ok, Renji…You DON'T HAVE a "possibility Number Two", right now…' he titled his head and rested in on the palm of his hand.

Given that the show was out of his reach, what else?

Bring her flowers?


Dinner out?

Not like him.

So what?

Suddenly, after a bunch of idiocies, a slightly intelligent thought entered his mind.

'What if…I organize a party for her?' he paused, looking at the calendar once more 'YEAH! I GOT THE RIGHT IDEA! That's decided, then! Renji, you ARE a genius!'

Yeah, sure…a genius.

But genius of "what" wasn't clear yet…


While Renji's mind was happily delighting itself with the choice of a good surprise to electrify Rukia with, Kuchiki Byakuya-taichou was mentally and solemnly ripping off, petal by petal, a huge field of marguerites.

'Should I tell him?' he thought as his right hand filled, for the hundredth time in a day, the empty space next to "Result of the mission" with a stern "Positive". 'No I should not!' he closed the report, opened a new folder and sighed.

'Good, this is the "Tokyo-mission-report" the one in which Renji…' Byakuya felt a rush of blood to his head and his pen slipped out of his hand.

Yeah, the (in)famous mission in Tokyo.

The one in which three hollows attacked the same area so a Vice-Captain was needed and Abarai Renji just rushed there.

And beat up the hollows. But (un)fortunately lost half of his…

Byakuya swallowed hard

… clothes in the process and came back to Soul Society gloriously wrapped in his boxers.

And just his boxers.

Needless to say, Kuchiki Byakuya -Taichou almost needed a blood-transfusion, that day.

'Oh my, how can I possibly be affected like this?'

Oh well, maybe the fact he heard Renji singing "You sexy thing" under the showers of their Division actually had a prominent role in all that mess.


And probably also the indicative T-shirt Renji wore when he got out of the bathrooms, in the end, meant something. "Sex instructor, first lesson free" it read.

But, unluckily for Kuchiki-taichou, the place where to book this "free lesson" wasn't specified.

The noble man re-grabbed his pen and started compiling modules and schemes again, filling empty lines and automatically writing words and sentences.

'I am a coward' his mind stated as he was describing (with abundance of details) the results of the mission. 'Wait…did I write "he came back barely covering his toned body with his boxers" ?' he sighed, dragging the pen over and over the word "toned", covering it completely with new ink until it wasn't readable anymore. 'Shame on you! It's not like you at all to archive your reports when they are written so messily. You even erased a word!'

But, honestly, writing down his feelings for his Fukutaichou, was, matter-of-factly, worse.

Also because that was an official report. Not his personal journal.

Not that he had never had one, but still…

Ok, rationally considering the whole matter a "sexual-frustrations-outlet-journal" would have been rather useful.

'Aaah! What am I thinking about? It's not proper! Not proper at all!'

He cast a tentative glance at his Vice-Captain, finding him completely caught in his thoughts and slightly biting on his own pen.

Byakuya indulged in staring at him a bit more, attentively observing how he twisted it under his teeth, occasionally sucking on it...

Soon, Byakuya found himself almost panting.

'Didn't you have a report to compile!' he forced himself to think. 'Then do it!' he bent again on his papers.

Easy to say, impossible to do.

In no time, in fact, without even being aware of it, he was looking at Renji again.

Or, more exactly, he was analyzing Renji again.

The way his kimono was wrapped around his chest, every single fold highlighting his brawny body, the sparkling reflections of bright light on his red hair, his brown eyes rolling and wandering around the room, his brows knitting in concern and thought.

'I wonder where that tattoo really ends…' he clenched his fist on the pen and the thin plastic slightly shrieked under that so un-noble action. ' You must tell him! He will reject you and that's all. The end of the play.'

Renji glanced again at the calendar, sighing deeply.

So deeply Kuchiki-taichou could almost feel that deepness burying inside of his own chest.

'I must confess it all…' he tried not to stare at his Fukutaichou anymore and moved his gaze to the pile of papers on his own desk 'Your sanity depends on that. Deal, Byakuya: you must declare to him before Rukia comes back to Soul Society. Yes, it's decided. Definitely.' he eyed at Abarai Renji one (hopefully) last time, then, full of good thoughts and resolution he resumed his activity of "report-compiling".


How long was it going to last?

To be continued…

Opinion poll: what do you think is gonna happen next?

The ones who got it right, will be mentioned in my dedications on the second chapter!