Disclaimer: I don't think anyone on this site owns Digimon

Disclaimer: I don't think anyone on this site owns Digimon. If anyone does…don't tell me, as I might go into a jealous rage.

Authors Note: I know I'm going to get at least one review asking if I'm suicidal. Well I'll tell you right now, I ain't! I just wanted to try writing angst.

6-27-01

I don't know what to call you. Diary is a girlie term, and I hate the word journal. Whoever came up with it should be tarred and feathered.

No, I don't mean that. I'm just in a bad mood.

Anyway, all you really are is a crummy notebook with a photograph of Hikari and me pasted on the cover. Chibi pictures really. Hikari is only a baby, and I'm what, three, four?

All I can think to call you is Thingy. You're a thingy.

Dear Thingy:

Today was the last day of school. Oh, heaven. Normally this makes me happy. But…today really sucked.

First off, Hikari got hit by a truck on her way home from the hospital. Now she's right back in there. She was sick, and she got better today, and they let her out, and she was on her way home, she had to get hit by a truck! And guess what? Now she's sick….again! If this is hell for me, I can't imagine what it'd be like for Hikari.

Aside from Hikari, the inevitable happened.

Yamato has a date tonight…and I have the misfortune of being dragged along. Sora and Yamato's girlfriend, Tari, I think that's her name, decided we had to double date. Oh, the agony…

Yamato will never know how I feel…

6-28-01 or possibly still 6-27-01

Dear Thingy:

Sorry, I'm not sure what the date is, as it's very late at night, but I lost my watch.

Anyway, the date was as awful as I thought it would be. Tari and Sora were gossiping like crazy, and comparing me to Yamato. Eventually they got in a catfight, 'I have the better boyfriend! No I do!'

Worst of all, Yamato was so arrogant. Why is he so horrible sometimes? He said, "Oh, Sora, your crazy. Of course Tari has the better boyfriend. You better re-consider dating that loser."

Just because I'm not a hot item doesn't mean I'm a loser…

I know losers. I'm not one of them. Loser's don't play sports.

Or maybe that's nerds…

I don't know. All I know, is I'm not a loser, and it hurt immensely to hear Yamato say that.

6-28-01

Dear Thingy:

Today I visited Hikari. She was in immense pain, and the reason she's sick again was her leg got infected. God, it was horrible looking at her. She looked horrible. Gatomon was lying on her bed, looking miserable to. She's lucky she's got her damn Digimon hanging around.

Aw, Christ, she's not lucky, she's the unluckiest person I've ever met! She just got out of the hospital, and got put right back in. I'd call that unlucky!

Afterwards I played soccer, and lost. After looking at Hikari I just wasn't in the mood.

6-29-01

Dear Thingy:

Tari said hi to me when I met up with her on the way to the hospital. Unfortunately, Miss Gossip, (I.E. Mimi Tachikawa) was right there, and naturally, reported it to Sora. Sora screamed at me for three hours. She said, "Taichi Yagami, if I ever see you with that Tari bitch, we are through! You hear me? Through!"

Sheesh, the only thing I said to Tari was, 'Hi, how're you?' Tari wants to do another double date. Sheesh. I hate double-dates.

I think Tari likes me.

6-30-01

Dear Thingy:

Tari broke up with Yamato.

7-1-01

Rabbit Rabbit.

Dear Thingy:

That bunny was for Hikari.

7-2-01

Dear Thingy:

Saw Hikari today. They had to amputate her leg. The infection was starting to spread, and so taking her leg didn't help.

Don't worry Taichi, she'll be alright…

7-2-01

Dear Thingy:

Takeru comes by the hospital today. I'm hanging around to. He and Hikari talk, but not for long. I know it's wrong, but I will listen to their conversation.

Hikari: Hi Takeru.

Takeru: Hi. How are you?

Hikari: Oh, fine.

Takeru: Your–your leg...

Hikari: Oh, that. No big deal.

Takeru: Oh god…

Hikari: How are you?

Takeru: Oh, I'm fine.

Hikari: Hows everyone else holding up without me?

Takeru: Daisuke keeps trying to barge in here.

That's true. He does.

Hikari: Oh. Well, he can come if he wants to. I miss everyone.

Takeru: Well, I hope you get better soon.

Hikari: Thank you. Goodbye Takeru! Tell everyone I'm doing fine! Please…

Takeru leaves the room and they both start to cry.

7-2-01

Dear Thingy:

Mom caught me listening to Hikari and Takeru's conversation. "Taichi Yagami!" She yelled. "You know, I can't believe you would invade your sisters privacy like this, especially with what she's going through!"

"Mom, they didn't say anything good…" I whimpered.

Mom looked at me like I was completely insane. Then she just laughed. She just cracked up.

7-3-01

Dear Thingy:

I have another double-date with Yamato and Tari and Sora.

7-3-01

Dear Thingy:

It was horrible.

The power went out in the restaurant. All the lights were off, and Yamato made a move to kiss Tari. But he missed, and kissed me. I was ecstatic. I thought he meant to.

But then Yamato got up from the table. "Excuse me." He said, his hand over his mouth, "But I think I'm going to be sick." He ran to the bathroom.

I got thrown out. Apparently, the owner is very anti-gay. Yamato got thrown out to, when he got back. Then the girls fought for a while.

I just ran home crying.

                               

7-4-01

Dear Thingy:

Today was the Yagami/Kamiya family annual 4th of July party. Really, it's the Kamiya side's, (Mom's from America) but Dad's family goes to.

Hikari can, (temporarily) go out of the hospital to attend. She has to be in a wheelchair, because she hasn't mastered use of crutches yet, and she's to weak anyway.

Anyway, my grandma was going up to us, she was freaking me out. "Aww…look at the cute 'lil kids!"

"We're not exactly little." Hikari muttered.

"Yeah." I agreed.

Mom took us aside. "Don't be rude to my mother!" She hissed.

"Okay, okay…"

Our cousin, Shaleen, kept teasing Hikari about her one-legged state. "Aw…poor little Hikari…what happened? You chop off your leg? Hey guys!" She said to all our other cousins. "Hikari's suicidal!"

Hikari got mad. "Am not!"

"Watcha gonna do next Hikari? Chop off our legs? Ooh, I'm so scared!" They all laughed. They knew what had happened, they didn't have to bug her about it.

I walked up to Shaleen, and punched her in the face. The little weakling fell over like a sack of potatoes.

"Thanks oniichan." Hikari hugged me.

"No problem sis."


But for that, 'no problem' I am grounded for a month.

Besides that, Hikari got teased the rest of the time.

7-5-01

Dear Thingy:

I am not really grounded. Mom was actually proud of me. She just wanted to keep up appearances for her sister and brother-in-law, Shaleen's parents.

Dad is not so proud. "Taichi, that is really low, punching out girls."

Hikari and Mom stared at Dad like he was the dumbest person in the world. Then Mom punched him. "How do you like a girl punching you out?"

I thought Dad was going to get really mad, but he didn't. He was okay about it, he just laughed.

This is the first time I've been happy in a long time.

7-6-01

Dear Thingy:

The hospital called, they said Hikari could stay out unless she got worse. She's doing pretty well now.

I have to go to Shaleen's to make a formal apology. I don't know what I'm going to do…I can't say sorry, when I'm proud of what I did! Hikari insists on coming with me.

7-6-01

Dear Thingy:

I just got back from Shaleen's. "Hi." I said, when Aunt Vivi opened the door. She looked at me like I was the scum of the earth. Then she looked at Hikari.

"What is that cripple doing here?"

Okay, that really made me mad. This is our family! They are supposed to be nice! I mean, I can understand stupid kids like Shaleen, but adults?
Hikari started to cry. She was trying to hide it, but she couldn't.

Shaleen came to the door. "Oh, has Taichi come to apologize?"

"Yes dear."

"Why is Hikari here?"
"She wants to be here." I said.

"Okay."

"Aunt Vivi?" I said. "We'd I'd like to apologize in private."

"Alright. Shally, now you tell me everything that he says." We walked into Shaleen's room.

"So…come to beg my forgiveness?" Shaleen asked, smiling.

"I don't need your forgiveness. I just have to apologize."
"So do it, dummy."

"Not until you apologize to my sister."
"For what?"

"For teasing her like that."
"No way. Little cripple deserves it."
"Then I'm not apologizing. I'm proud of what I did."

"I'm telling!"
"Like I care. C'mon Hikari." I grabbed Hikari's wheelchair and took her out of there.

7-7-01

Dear Thingy:

Tari called me today, she wanted to date again, but this time, without Yamato. She knew that that thing in the restaurant was a mistake, and she had no idea what I thought of it. And she and Yamato broke up, because she got, 'bored' of him.

I said, "No sorry, I'm already going with Sora and I love her very much, bye."
I hung up. A minute later, Sora called. "Taichi! You didn't say yes to that little worm, did you?"
"What, how do you know Tari asked me out?"
"Does that really matter? What did you say?"

"I said, 'No sorry, I'm already going with Sora and I love her very much, bye.'"

"Oh, good. Love you Taichi."

7-14-01

Dear Thingy:

Sorry, but nothings happened until today. Today was one of the worst days of my life.

First off, I ran into Yamato on my way to the grocery store. I said, "Hi Yamato."

He said, "Taichi, I never want to speak to you again. So, don't even try to talk to me." Then he punched me.

Why did he hit me? I didn't do anything. That was him, Yamato, not me, Taichi. I did nothing!
And the second bad thing happened when I got home. "Taichi?" Mom said.

"Yeah Mom?" Mom was crying. She didn't cry very often, she's pretty tough. But when she did, you knew something was really wrong. "Whats up?"

"Hikari had to go back to the hospital. She's very sick, and they don't think she'll make it this time."

"Who's they?" I know perfectly well who they are. I'm just hoping maybe it's some stupid bum who wouldn't know dying if it bit him on the nose. Of course, that's not true.

Why is it every time Hikari gets sick, I think about what I did all those years ago? When she almost died and it was my fault?

At least it's not my fault now. At least I wont have to feel guilty about it.

7-15-01

Dear Thingy:

I visited Hikari in the hospital. "Hika…?" I said, and then saw she was asleep.

She opened her eyes. "Oh, hi Taichi."

"No, Hikari, go back to sleep, you should rest!" I yelled.

"No, no, I'm saying my goodbyes now. Mom and Dad are waiting outside."

"They are?" I looked towards the waiting room, and there they were, crying. All the Digidestined were there to.

"Goodbyes huh? What for?" I knew perfectly well what for. I knew, and I really wish I didn't!

"Taichi…you know I'm going to die. And I'd hate to do it without saying what I want to say to everyone first."

"Well, fire away. What do you want to say to me?"

"I love you. You're the best oniichan I could ever hope to have."

"I love y-you to Hikari."
"I also wanted to tell you not to miss me too much. You'll get used to my being gone, don't worry."
How can she be so damn calm? Her life is coming to an end!

"Taichi, it'll be just like the end of a movie. It's over, but you can remember it."
"Hikari, your life was much more precious the any dumb movie!"
"Your nice Taichi."

Then I started to cry. Immediately I regretted it. How could I cry about it, when she was so calm and ready? The last thing I should do is make her scared about dying!

7-15-01


Dear Thingy:

I went home.

I don't believe this.

I ran into Yamato again, and he looked like he wanted to tell me something important, but then he just yelled. "I hate you Taichi Yagami!"

And that hurt me, so bad. Because I love Yamato. I know it's wrong, I know it's weird. I know I shouldn't love him. But I do. I need to be with him to survive. But he hates me. And he is certainly not…you know…

Hikari said her goodbyes. She left me her D3, and D-terminal. She said to bury them in the Digiworld. She said to do it on the night she dies.
She also gave me twenty bucks. She said, "I was going to use this to buy you a birthday present, but I don't think I'll be around then." My birthdays one week from now.

Hikari, I'd give anything, if you would just get better! You did nothing to deserve this! I would die for you, dammit I want to die!

7-18-01

Dear Thingy:

Hikari died today. The last thing I said to her was "The Power Rangers are stupid."
Her last words were, "I like the pink one." Pathetic. I wish our last conversation could've been more meaningful. I mean, god, we were talking about Power Rangers!

I hate the Power Rangers.

7-18-01

Dear Thingy:

I don't have emotions anymore. Everything I ever cared about is gone. Hikari is dead, Sora just broke up with me, and Yamato hates me.

7-20-01

Dear Thingy:

Today was Hikari's funeral. I couldn't stand seeing them put her in the ground. It was an open casket, and she looked almost perfect. Except her leg. Damn them for taking it off! It didn't help anyway, and just made things worse for her!

Everyone got to 'say a few words.' I wanted to, but I just cried. Heres some stuff other people said.

Takeru: I loved Hikari. She was beautiful, she was nice, the most wonderful girl I'd ever met. I just can't believe someone as great as her could die so young. It's not fair. (Takeru then burst into tears.)

Miyako: Hikari was my best friend. I didn't see much of her when she was sick, because my family was on vacation. I didn't even know anything was wrong until I got back, and found out she was dead. It was a huge shock. Hikari was the nicest person I ever met, and I am going to miss her so much. (Miyako did not start to cry, but she was about to.)

Mom and Dad didn't come up. They, like me, were crying to hard.

I went to bury Hikari's damn stuff.

7-21-01

Dear Thingy:

Yamato was at the funeral. He didn't talk to me at all. He wouldn't talk to anyone.

I hate my stinking life.

I know where to get a gun. My cousin Matsudo is in the business. I'm going to kill myself.

7-22-01

Dear Thingy:

Happy birthday dear Taichi, happy death day dear Taichi…

8-27-01

I just read the whole thing through.

No, I'm not Taichi. I'm Yamato. I found the diary. Taichi didn't leave a will. (Most suicides don't.) So all his friends were going through his stuff, and taking what they figured they'd get anyway. I found this, and I don't think he would've wanted me to see this, or continue it, but I think the story needs to be finished.

Taichi shot himself on July twenty-second. He died at age (exactly) fifteen.

When he killed himself, I didn't really know why. Everyone assumed it was because of Hikari, but I didn't think that was it. When I read this, I found out a lot of it was my fault. He loved me, and I hated him.

Except I didn't hate him. I loved him to. But I had no idea he felt the same way. That time in the restaurant, I knew perfectly well I was kissing Taichi, I was just mortified afterwards.

If only I had told him, he might still be alive today.

I hate guilt trips.

His parents are totally messed up about it. I'd be to, if I were them. I mean, both your kids dying within four days? How much can a person take?
From reading this, I could see Taichi was depressed since he started this damn thing. To think, diaries are supposed to help. Writing things down is supposed to help. It didn't help Taichi at all.

Well, now he's dead and gone, and it's all my damn fault.

All I know is, I could've helped Taichi. If only he'd held out a little longer, I could've helped him. People shouldn't kill themselves.

Both of 'em, Hikari and Taichi. It's amazing how much life can suck.