AN: Bet you didn't see this coming. An Armada Movieverse fic. I'm just doing this because Koji went slightly nuts after the last one and I figured I'd give him some time to regain his sanity and the Autobots sometime to pull themselves together(Godzilla didn't leave much behind) before I post my next fic with them, 'Doppelgangers 2'.
CHARACTERS: Rad, Sideswipe, Optimus, Alexis, Scavenger, Hot Shot, Blurr, and Carlos.
Warnings: Mentions of Sex (but honestly what doesn't)
"You've got to be kidding me" Rad groaned looking around. He and the others were standing in front of a large house with a banner that said some crude things on it (AN: sounds stupid but if I wrote what was on the banner I'd feel obligated to rate this mature)
"Where are we?" Optimus asked.
"In some stupid Sci-Fi movie about a nut job going around killing kids to get revenge for his mother's rape" Rad explained.
"I saw that one, but I thought it was a woman that was killing people" Sideswipe pointed out.
"No, he just put on a wig and make-up so he looked like his mother" Rad explained.
"That doesn't exactly explain the banner" Scavenger stated.
"Yeah. The killer felt the town was full of hypocrites because the guy he suspected was his father became a pillar of the community after raping his mother. So he decided to take away the last piece of innocence the people had. Their virginal children" Rad said. "Basically it's have sex or die"
"Oh, so he goes around killing virgins?" Hot Shot asked. "WE HAVE TO SAVE THOSE POOR HOT WOMEN!"
"He kills a guy to" Rad points out.
"Eww!" Hot Shot exclaimed.
"He just kills them not---oh never mind" Rad sighed exasperated.
"EEEEEKKK!" a young dark haired woman who bore a strong resemblance to Brittany Murphy came running through the wood.
"Who's that?" Hot Shot asked.
"One of the virgins. The guy with the ax that will showing up soon is the killer" Rad said.
"Oh... RUN!"Five Minutes Later…
The Autobots are barricaded in a room with the kids.
"Whew, that was close" Hot Shot said, sliding down to the floor.
"Something seems missing" Optimus commented.
"Where's Sideswipe?" Blurr asked. Everyone looked around and then at the barricaded door.
"Ooops"Five Minutes Later…
After convincing Hot Shot to move away from the door Blurr, Optimus, and Rad went in search of the missing Sideswipe.
"If we're in a town where there's a psychopath who's killing virginal children, why the hell did we bring a thirteen year old virgin with us to search for our friend who is most likely just out here getting lucky?" Blurr asked.
"Rad knows the movie and besides--- Wait, you're a virgin?" Optimus asked Rad.
"Why didn't you tell us that back at the room?" Optimus asked, pouting.
"I'm thirteen and the only romantic interest in my life is Alexis. I thought it was blatantly obvious that I was still virgin" Rad said.
"How was I supposed to figure that out?" Optimus asked.
"EKKK! It's Mr. Marliston!"
Some guy in a wig and dress is standing at the top of the stairs holding a knife. "Class dismissed" He said before launching in and stabbing random people sending the teens into a panic causing them to swarm down the stairwell, plug it up with their bodies, and pinning the only cop left alive in town to the wall on the landing.
"The sad part is this actually happened in the movie" Rad shook his head sadly.
"YOU LEFT ME!" Sideswipe yelled from behind them, still fully clothed much to Blurr's disappointment.
"Well you kind of got lost in the scramble" Optimus admitted. "But it's not like you were in any danger---"
The killer came out of nowhere and tried to slash Sideswipe. Sideswipe responded by catching the cross-dressing nut-job's wrist, tossing the killer over his head, then pulling hard on the man's arm dislocating his shoulder and breaking his collarbone.
"You were saying?" Sideswipe asked when he was finished.
"You mean you're still a virgin?"
"You honestly thought I wasn't?" Sideswipe asked surprised.
Blurr and Optimus stared for a moment. "He's got point" Optimus admitted.
"Oh, him being a virgin you can understand, but it's so unbelievable that I am?" Rad asked sarcastically.
"Eh" Optimus shrugged.T.V. Verse…. Smallville(near the end of season 1)
Rad and Alexis sitting in the Talon or the Beanery (AN: Can't remember when The Talon replaced the Beanery as the main hangout) listening to Lana Lang talk about her boy troubles.
"Dad says not to hit girls. Dad says not to hit girls. Dad says not to hit girls" Rad chants under his breath.
"But I can't choose to be with Clark because Whitney's so handsome, even though he's a jerk I still love him. Sure Clark's rugged and respectful and cute and gentlemanly, but he's just not as popular as Whitney" Lana went on.
"Screw what Dad said!" Rad yelled before grabbing a barstool and smashing it over Lana's head, knocking the idiot out.
"Rad! That's called assault!" Alexis yelled.
"I call it equality of gender! If a guy went on like that you'd have knocked him out yourself" Rad said.
"Rad. This is Smallville. Superman beats up anybody who messes with her!" Alexis reminded him.
Just then the door opened. "Hey Lana. I'm here to tell you Chloe and I are in love and getting married! So screw you, you whore!" Clark Kent yelled in before scooping up his blonde girlfriend and running off to Metropolis.
"Well this is seriously going to mess up the outcome of the series" Alexis commented.
"No it won't. This is just what the author wishes would happen. Clark's to dense to see beyond the dark haired idiot long enough to actually fall for Chloe" Rad said.
Back in the Movieverse
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
"Did we just switch universes again?" Alexis asked.
"Yeah, I think so" Rad agreed looking around the dock they were standing on.
"Where have you two been?" Optimus, now sporting black dread locks, asked.
"The T.V.verse" Rad answered. "What's going on?"
"We're trying to find Blurr and Sideswipe. Aside from you two they're the only ones missing. Everyone else is on the ship" Optimus explained pointing to the boat behind him.
"Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum" Blurr-- battered, bruised, and muddy(at least I hope its mud)-- sang off key as he leaned heavily on Sideswipe while they made their way slowly toward the ship.
"What happened to Blurr!" Optimus asked slightly startled by the mercenary's appearance.
"Bar brawl. I had to knock him out to keep the tavern patrons from killing him. After he was out they dumped him in some mud…at least I hope it was mud" Sideswipe sighed.
"Pretty boy" Blurr said laying his cheek against the top of Sideswipe's head. He then spun Sideswipe around and pulled him in for a kiss while grabbing Sideswipe's butt.
Sideswipe pushed the mercenary off the dock and Blurr landed in the water with a loud splash.
"What was that about?" Optimus asked.
"If I wanted some drunk grabbing my ass I'd have become a cocktail waitress" Sideswipe growled striding up the gangplank.
"Waitress? Is the author gender bending?" Rad asked.
"Maybe… either that or Sideswipe is secretly a girl" Optimus commented.
"Whatever" Alexis saidShe's the Man
"By Primus! Where are we now?" Blurr asked.
"A soccer field" Rad commented dryly.
"Sideswipe, are you gender bending again?" Optimus asked.
"Not that I know of. Why?"
"Because you have long hair, very feminine eyebrows, and the main character of this movie is a girl who disguises herself as a boy" Optimus said.
"Let's see" Sideswipe said pulling up his/her shirt.
"Sweet Primus!" Blurr choked.
"Sideswipe?" Hot Shot squeaked.
Optimus is just standing there covering his eyes so he doesn't see anything that, as a commander, he shouldn't see.
"Holy Slag" Scavenger commented. "Are those usually that big?"
"No usually they're only a b-cup—I mean they're usually not there at all!" Sideswipe covered up quickly.
"Would you please put your shirt down now? Carlos just went catatonic" Rad asked, seemingly undisturbed by the revelation.
"Oh, sorry"Eight-Legged Freaks
"So we're all safe inside this mall, right?" Alexis asked. Everyone else nodded.
"There's no way those spiders can get to us in here" Optimus stated.
"Hey! Where's Rad and Sideswipe?" Hot Shot asked.In the desert…
"DIE YOU EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS!" Rad yelled running over various spiders on his motocross bike.
"STOP PISSING THEM OFF AND RUN AWAY DAMNIT!" Sideswipe yelled, also on a motocross bike.
"NO! THESE STUPID THINGS ATE HIGHWIRE!"
"REALLY? WHEN DID HE GET HERE?"
"RIGHT AFTER THE GUYS DITCHED US TO RUN AWAY AND HIDE!" Rad yelled as he jumped a ridge and landed on a giant tarantula.
The tarantula then threw up a slime covered Highwire.
"GET ON!" Rad yelled pulling Highwire onto the back of the bike.
'There has to be some irony in this situation' Highwire thought to himself as Rad steered the bike towards town.
AN: Don't ask where most of that came from. R&R