Saint Wagner

Disclaimer: If I was making money from this, it'd be because I'm an employee of Marvel. If that were the case, it'd be Canon. Since it's not Canon, we can logically surmise that all standard disclaimers apply from here on in.

This fic is a birthday present for the dearly-beloved InterNutter. Long may she, uh, Nut? Iunno. In any case, Happy Birthday, Bubi. Love ya!

Chapter 1: St. Kurt the Irritated

Let's see here… bill, bill, junkmail, bill, letter for Scott, letter for Dr. McCoy, bill, package for Rahne, junkmail… and one for me?

Holding the rest of the mail in his hands, Kurt brought the envelope up to his mouth, ripped it open with his teeth, and held the letter aloft in his tail.

Dear Mr. Wagner,
Having received your nomination for Canonization dated on the 12th, we have elected to send to local representatives of the Roman Catholic Church to interview and assess your potential for this honour. Very few people are considered to the extent to which you are; however, the impressive nature of your nomination has led us to conclude that further examination is warranted before your official canonization and declaration as a Saint of the Roman Catholic Church…

Kurt stopped, shook his head, and read the letter again. It didn't change. He carefully bit down on his own tongue until it hurt. He wasn't dreaming. He waved his tail back and forth in front of his eyes. He wasn't hallucinating.
Then, having established all of this, he took the next logical step, which involved taking a deep breath, throwing his head back, and –

Over at the table, Jean winced and looked over at him. "Kurt, is the volume really necessary at this time of morning?"
Kurt made a face at the offending letter and nodded. "Yes, actually. I appear to have some mail I'd rather not have received."
Jean sipped her coffee. "Case in point?"
"Apparently I've been nominated for Sainthood."
All activity at the breakfast table stopped dead.
"Come again?" said the Professor.
"Someone nominated me to become a Saint."
"Since when are you a Saint?" Scott wanted to know. "Don't you have to be dead to be a Saint?"
Kurt sighed. "Technically, no. There's no list of requirements to become a Saint, you just have to have lived a life worthy of it. That usually means you're dead, but in theory it doesn't have to."
"And you think Bobby did it?" Kitty wanted to know.
"Name me three other people who'd do it."
"Todd, Pietro, an' one of your buddies from Heirelgart," Rogue said promptly.
"Ja, but I can't yell at them right now – BOBBY!"
Bobby's voice floated down the stairwell. "Whaddya want? 'S early."
"It's a quarter of eleven!"
"That's early. What is it?"
"Did you nominate me for Canonization?"
"Yeah, maybe, a little bit. Why?"
Kurt closed his eyes and counted to five. "Because I just got a letter about it."

A bleary-eyed Bobby appeared at the top of the stairs, dressed in boxers, shirt and dressing gown. "Oh, awesome. They made you a Saint yet?"
"Canonization's just the process of becoming a Saint. You only signed him up for that," Kitty pointed out. "And are those my slippers?"
Bobby looked down at the pink bunny slippers, then started descending the stairs. "Damnit, Kitty, it's too early for that. One thing at a time – Kurt, what did the Church say?"
Kurt glared at him. "They want to interview me."
"Oh, awesome. You know what they say, an interview is the first step to getting the job."
"They say that about working part-time at Gut Bomb," Scott observed, adding milk to his Count Chocula. "I think becoming a Saint is a little bit different."
"True, but the principle remains the same," Bobby declared, flopping down into a chair next to Rogue. "The point is, the guy's taking the first step."
"How did you even get the Church to consider this?" Kurt demanded. "Canonization is not a joke!"
"Huh? Oh, right." Bobby yawned and reached for the juice. "I might've pretended I was a Priest from New York, I'm not sure. Don't expect me to remember every little detail about the things I do at this time of the morning, it's unreasonable."
"You impersonated a Priest?"
"Priest, Bishop, whatever. Something along those lines."
Kurt opened and closed his mouth a few times; the Professor frowned. "Bobby, really now. There are some things you shouldn't joke about. And mail fraud is a serious matter."
Bobby shrugged and sipped at his juice. "No worse than most of the other things that go on here. Hell, some of us are technically breaking a bunch of laws by being alive. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? 'S not like they can punish Kurt for not being holy enough."
"He does have a point," Jubilee pointed out. Kurt glared at her.
"Oh, please. You were probably in on this!"
"Of course I was. You think Bobby wrote the recommendation on his own? Guy can barely spell."
"I can too!" Bobby protested.
"Bigger than five-letter words, sweetie."
Kurt tossed the mail onto the table and rubbed at his face with both hands. "This is not something to joke about! It's serious!"
Bobby reached over and patted Kurt on the arm. "Kurt, my man – anything that's too serious to joke about is something that definitely needs joking about."
"I don't make fun of people's faith!"
"Yes you do," Jamie piped up. "You were making fun of me the other day 'cause I was hoping the Yankees would win the baseball."
Kurt glowered at him. "That's different and you know it."
Kurt closed his eyes and whimpered. "I should not have to live in a world where statements like that are coherent arguments."
"Everyone," the Professor cut in. "Please. Bobby, this is really not appropriate. You're making a mockery of something very meaningful and personal to Kurt. Matters of faith are not things to turn into practical jokes."
Bobby pouted. "You guys mock my faith all the time!"
"For the last time, Bobby," Kitty sighed. "Agent Gibbs is not a Prophet, and neither is anyone from NCIS. It's just a TV show."
"Stop defying the Word of Gibbs," Bobby ordered her. "Besides, Professor, Jubilee helped me."
"Leave me out of this," Jubilee growled.
"You were happy to be in on it before!"
"It was funnier then, and you weren't in trouble. And all I did was spellcheck it."
"Quiet the both of you," the Professor cut them off. "You're being deliberately offensive to Kurt's beliefs, and not even considering the ramifications of your actions. Have you considered that perhaps having Church Officials come and interview Kurt may not be the best thing for mutantkind, or the residents of this Institute, let alone Kurt himself? You're being highly inconsiderate on several levels and I'm disappointed in you."
"Oh, they know he's a mutant," Bobby said. "I put that in the letter."
"Yeah, that's probably part of what made 'em consider it. Besides, it's funny! You know it's funny!"
"That is not the issue here," the Professor informed him.
"You think this is funny, Professor?" Kurt wanted to know.
"I said that was not the issue!"
"Dude," said Bobby. "Even you know this is funny. I got the Catholic Church to consider you for Sainthood, for cryin' out loud! This may be my greatest achievement to date!"
"There was the uber-waffle you created Tuesday night," Rogue reminded him.
"Alright, second-greatest."
"Is nobody taking this seriously?" Kurt asked. "I don't think you're taking this seriously."
"I am," said Scott, "but that doesn't mean I don't think it's funny."

"Children!" the Professor said testily. The rest of the conversation died down, and he frowned thunderously at Bobby and Jubilee. "I'll thank everyone to be more considerate of Kurt's feelings. Especially you two."
Jubes hung her head. "Sorry, Professor," she mumbled. Bobby sighed.
"Alright, alright. Kurt, I'm sorry. Better?"
"Not a lot," Kurt said. "They're still sending people here to interview me."
"Oh yeah."
"Well, then," the Professor said. "If that's the issue, and if it's of Bobby's making, then he can resolve it. Bobby, you are to be there with Kurt when these interviewers arrive – when does the letter say, Kurt?"
Kurt examined the letter. "The day after tomorrow, at two o' clock."
"Very well, then. Bobby, you can be there, and you'll explain what you did – it should do you some good to explain to the representatives exactly how and why you wasted so much of their time and effort, not to mention committing a felony in the process."
"I don't get punished?" Jubes wanted to know.
"Ah, yes. Thank you for reminding me, Jubilee, you can be there too."
Kitty looked at Jubilee. "Why did you say that?"
Jubilee blinked. "I… don't know. I even knew as I was saying it that it was a bad idea. Oh God, what's wrong with me?"
"I could get the list," Bobby offered.
"Would you?"
"Hmm. No, actually," he corrected himself. "I'm much too lazy for that."
"Ah, of course."
Kurt shook his head at them. "You are both insane."
"And we've never claimed otherwise," Jubilee agreed.
"Has somebody been spreading those damn Bobby-is-sane rumours again?" Bobby wanted to know. "Those rumours are malicious."
Kurt looked at the Professor; the Professor shrugged. "Kurt, I'm sorry. I can punish them, but I can't make them feel sorry for what they did."
"Yes you can."
"Alright, true, but I won't do that." He sipped his coffee. "Unlike these two, I appreciate that just because I can do something does not imply that I should."
"I could do lots of stuff that I don't do," Bobby objected. "Note the fact that I'm not naked."
"And that," the Professor noted, "is the sound of both of you getting cleaning duty of the Danger Room this evening."
"What?" Jubilee demanded. "I didn't say anything!"
"You pictured Bobby naked, and projected the image into my head. That's worthy of a far worse punishment than I gave you."
"Was I hot?" Bobby wanted to know.
"Don't flatter yourself," Jubilee told him. "It was involuntary. Like when someone says not to think of purple walruses."
"I'm not flattering myself," Bobby said. "I know better than to do that around here. I only asked if I was hot."
"Not really."
Kurt snatched up the letter and shook his head. "You're both in for a lot worse than that," he informed them. "This is blasphemy. No good comes of blasphemy."
And he stalked out of the dining room.
"I didn't know Catholics were big on Karma," Scott commented.
"This isn't Karma," Jean said. "This is Divine Punishment."
"What's the difference?"
"Bad Karma will kill you," Kitty explained. "Bad Divine Punishment happens when you're already dead and it involves going to Hell."
"Oh." Scott looked at Bobby. "Sucks to be you, then."
"Maybe," said Bobby, "but only when I die, and until then I now officially have nothing to lose."

At the other end of the table, Ororo sighed.
" Logan, have you ever thought that living here is a bad idea?"
Logan mopped up the last of his fried egg with a piece of toast and popped it into his mouth. "You kiddin' me, Ro? They ain't invented a kind o' entertainment that matches mornings at this place."
"Hmm, true."
"Hey, Mr. Logan," Bobby called. "Can you pass the bacon?"