Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts is owned by Square Enix, Disney, etc etc.
Warnings: Fluff, randomness that comes with the excitement that is Friday. Plus, the insanity of dealing with both Lapse-Raevn and Reina-183... AT THE SAME TIME! Crack!fic.
Co-write between Reina183 and Lapse-Raevn. I think we were both out of it at the time. :D
Riku and Axel stared curiously at the guinea pig hogging their living room with its huge cage.
"How did we get stuck with this thing again?" Axel asked, poking the bars of that cage and quickly drawing back as the creature snuggled against his finger and the scent of beeswax drifted in the air.
Riku sighed. He could remember, as clearly as if it was yesterday…
-One Month Earlier-
Axel smirked as he locked the door to the mountaintop suite he and Riku had rented for their honey moon. Smiling mischievously, his thoughts ran towards the possibilities the gigantic waterbed held, along with, of course, the fluffy sofa, the giant jacuzzi, and, of course, the kitchen counter (because Axel had always wanted to get some cooking done in the kitchen.)
"Why am I carrying all the bags," his wife--husband, damn Freudian slips, complained, hauling in two large suitcases.
Axel shrugged, choosing not to reply as he took of his sunglasses, setting them on the counter table.
Eyeing the door to the bathroom, Axel raced for it, not noticing the black, furry creature that had scurried out from under the sofa.
Riku, preoccupied as well, didn't see the furry monstrosity as it quickly climbed up the counter with small claws.
Inside the bathroom, Axel practically inhaled the sweet scent of their sweet bath oils and soaps, a wicked grin crossing his face at the thought of what he could do with said bath oils...
Yes; Axel's mind was only on one thing. After all, he figured if he was chained to one man for the rest of his life, he might as well make the best of it.
And Jacuzzis like this only came around once in life.
"Riku," he called out to his unaware beloved, "come into the bathroom."
His voice was sing-song-like and innocent, and as Riku swung open the door, all Axel could think about was—
Wait a second; was that a guinea pig on the counter outside?
Axel raised an eyebrow. Wild Guinea pigs, who would've guessed
Somehow, this totally ruined the mood.
Then, almost in slow motion, the Guinea pig plucked up Axel's red tinted, flame edged, designer glasses, and scurried away.
And scrambling to his feet and out the door in record time, Axel completely ignored his lover, who was left standing in the bathroom, holding the door open, blinking rapidly in shock.
"I was almost sure he was going to grab me and molest me..." Not that that was necessarily a bad thing...
Meanwhile, Axel was outside the building, looking around frantically for the furry little nuisance. After all, it had disturbed what would have been a stirring evening…
A rustling in the nearby bush drove his attention away from the wicked thoughts infecting his mind (or at least, one of them.) He dove for it in a fit of adrenaline…
…and caught himself by grabbing on a branch dangling downwards before he collapsed onto a family of rabbits, the mother nuzzling its kids from the psychotic (to them, anyway) man.
The father – was that the father? – looked up at him and reared up his legs.
Axel woke up a minute later, kicked out of the bush and sprawled ungracefully on the sidewalk leading to the door.
Note to self: rabbits had attitude.
There was no sign of the rabbits. Or the wild guinea pig with exceptionally good taste. Axel cursed, and a whine that sounded like laughter caused his attention.
He turned, slowly, and caught sight of that same pig, mere feet away, as if taunting him. His designer sunglasses were perched smartly on the thing's nose, beady little black eyes staring at him with glee. It jumped, noticing the sudden attention, and let out a "Wheeeeek!" while jumping happily in the air – a little hop.
With a start, Axel turned to the door to find his new lover-turned-husband looking at him and raising an eyebrow at his position. Blinking, he jerked his head back to the spot that the guinea pig was in.
It wasn't there.
Taking a step forward, as if unsure, Riku tilted his head, examining Axel as through he were some odd sort of fungus.
"You feeling okay?"
"That pig stole my sunglasses!"
Okay, well that statement was so random that Riku needed a moment to take it in. (After all, a wild guinea pig, with sunglasses?)
That gave Axel time to look around and spy the furry creature running off into the distance, parting the grass and plants of the surrounding forest with delight and ease.
"What are –" was all Riku had time to say before Axel had snagged his wrist and was running straight into the woods. His legs barely had time to move – so it was more of a pull-along drag than anything remotely romantic.
(Yeah, he was a secret romantic.)
Made him wonder why he married Axel, sometimes. It could have something to do with how knowledgeable he was, Riku guessed, a perverted, yet dreamy smile on his face.
In his daydreaming, he stepped on a twig and, in true Riku-fashion, tripped and took Axel with him.
Groaning, the two sat up, dazed. Gripping his husband around the waist, Axel noticed that they were in a rather, awkward position, tangled up together, all alone in the forest, no one around for miles.
Slipping a hand up Riku's shirt, Axel slid his knee between his lover's thighs, a wicked smirk appearing on his face. Yes, all alone, on their honeymoon.
"Axel?" Riku's voice was breathy, low with passion, eyes slightly dazed and clouded.
"WHEEK!" And there was a small black blur, illuminated by red tinted glasses, edged in flame before-
"Ow! What the heck?"
Riku flipped around, grabbing his sore thigh and whacking at the Guinea Pig which quickly turned around and shot off like a little black torpedo.
Riku bit his lip to contain his tears of pain. Little bugger, that hurt!
Axel twitched at the interruption, his fists scraping against the grassy ground as his mind ran over possibilities.
He would get his revenge. He would get that Guinea Pig.
All he needed was a trap…
-Half An Hour Later…-
"Hah! That'll work!" Axel crowed, hand posed on his hip in victory. His face was shadowed somewhat creepily from the large rock they were hiding behind.
Riku stared at the crude contraption, made from a rope they found handing on the side of the fence surrounding their vacation home, and some thick branches that were tied dangerously to a thin sapling and a loose circle on the floor. The loop of rope was coarsely covered with leaves that Axel had picked from the trees.
"Axel?" Riku started.
"Yes dear?" Axel said with an endearing spin to his words. He didn't forget to give an emphasized glimpse up and down Riku as he turned to him.
Riku almost blushed, but pushed the thought from his mind for the moment. He wanted revenge for the stupid pig that bit his thigh, after all! (That place was a bit personal…) "Isn't that loop a little too wide…?"
The redhead frowned as he looked over his 'trap' with a critical eye. Having just copied various movements he had seen in movies, he hadn't even given a thought to all the minor details. "…So? Tighten it for me?"
It was said in a tone of voice that he knew would work on his lover.
His husband sighed, before stepping neatly out from behind their rock and picking his way through the leaves, careful not to touch the trap.
Axel stopped for a moment, mind not comprehending the black streak that was rushing toward the trap and likewise, toward him.
"THERE IT IS!" In the spur of the moment, Axel ran toward the blur as Riku turned around, in his haste foot catching the edge of the rope.
"Got you, you little…" The pig whined – almost happily? – in his hands, but seemed to growl as Axel's attention turned toward the top of the short tree.
He had Riku all tied up.
…Besides, they'd never been in the woods before, and Axel always loved to try new things.
As he watched Riku swaying back and forth, a glare on his face that was mostly hidden by the t-shirt falling over his face, Axel grinned. He felt like he was a hunter who had just caught his prey. His succulent, tender, utterly delicious prey...
Yes, Riku was like filet mignog in a world of fish sticks.
Eyeing the other's exposed body; he walked around his prey at leisure, a hunter playing with his prey before the kill.
His prey's hair hung a foot from the ground, and without the bangs constantly shading his face, Riku's features seemed less angular and more open, more vulnerable...
"Axel?" His prey sounded so unsure of himself. "What are you doing? Help me down!"
Yes, his prey had no clue what was coming, no idea of the sinister thoughts running through his mind. Axel licked his lips, peering at Riku as he circled closer, and closer, and closer.
Suddenly, the scent of beeswax filled the air.
The Guinea Pig in his arms suddenly struggled violently, freeing himself from Axel's surprised grip, and, with surprising agility (for a Guinea Pig, anyway) landed on Riku's bound foot.
Working quickly, the guinea pig set to work knawing through the rope.
"Axel, what's he doing? And why does he smell like beeswax!" By now, Riku was waving his arms around frantically, his free leg kicking through air.
"Woah!" and the rope, half way chewed through, stretched, lowering Riku, until his hands could almost touch the ground.
"Axel!" He demanded.
Axel paused, his eyes darting from the Guinea Pig precariously balanced on Riku's foot to his fiancé, dangling helplessly.
Usually, there would be no comparison; however, balanced on the Guinea Pig's snout was Axel's favorite pair of sunglasses.
Riku... Or his sunglasses? How could he be forced to choose?
But before he could think, the rope gave way with a loud snap, and both Riku and the Guinea Pig plunged helplessly towards the hard ground.
In a fit of emotion, Axel dove for the thin space between his lover's hair and the ground. Therefore providing a (decently) soft cushion for both Riku and his beloved pair of sunglasses.
He didn't think about his back beforehand.
For once, both Riku and the pig were on the same page. The looked at each other, the smell of beeswax dimming to a faint scent. Axel, however, was thinking about a much different subject.
Such as how the pig had ruined what would have made an amazing experience. Twice. First in the bathroom, and now in the forest! His eye twitched, the pain in his back lessening.
The pig stared at him, somewhat warily but still but that odd glow in its eyes. "…Wheeek?"
It still had his sunglasses.
With a yell of battle, Axel pounced. Lifting his hands and expecting his beautifully expensive red-tinted glasses to be in his hands. As it was, he found…nothing.
Nothing but the sight of the pig's quirky tail darting off behind a well-placed fern and out of the range of his trap. Riku almost backed away at the plotting look in Axel's eyes and the clenched fist, held up as if he had already won.
Fine, all right then.
The chase was on!
-Some Time Later-
Minutes had ticked away, and they still hadn't found the animal.
Riku was flicking leaves out of his longish, silver hair. Oh, how he wanted to go back to the suite and relax with his conditioner and a drink of lemonade…
But nooo, Axel couldn't give up his revenge. Of course not. Not even if it meant that poor Riku would be dragged along for the ride.
Riku sighed, mentally wishing that he had put on his sneakers instead of the complementary slippers that came with the rooms.
"This isn't working," Axel declared.
His partner almost face-faulted.
Damn right, it wasn't working… He did not want to be skipping around the forest in the middle of the night on his honeymoon, searching for a rapid rodent.
There was only one option left.
"Axel," Riku whispered, grabbing Axel's arm and pulling him away from the path.
"Can we go back to the hotel? After all, there's a nice hot bath and champagne, and other accommodations that I'm sure will more than make up for your sunglasses."
Axel waved a hand, breaking out of his fiancée's grip and staring down the path. "Sorry, Riku, but I'm not in the mood for a drink right now. Those sunglasses cost me $200, and I'm sure there's nothing at the hotel worth that much…"
He trailed off, searching the ground carefully for Guinea Pig footprints.
Behind him, Riku tensed, rigid with anger, before he turned around and stomped off back towards the hotel. Nothing worth $200… Riku snorted. He sure as Hell was worth more than $200 dollars…
Axel could smell the Guinea Pig he was so close. A manic grin spread across his face. He had lost one of his slippers and knotted his hair on some branches, but with victory so close there was no way he was going to give up now! That evil rodent would not get away with this!
Slipping past the last of the trees, he heard a small wheek from the distance. Sprinting forward, Axel clumsily slipped over a tree branch, catapulting himself down into a hidden pit. His head hit a tree branch and he lost consciousness.
At the top of the pit, a certain sunglasses wearing Guinea Pig stared down at the collapsed figure in horror.
Making a small squeak of horror, it quickly hopped back to the one place it could get help…
Back at the hotel, Riku was laying in the Jacuzzi, a bottle of wine in one hand. Yes, he knew that drinking should not be mixed with a Jacuzzi, but perhaps if Axel came back to find him drowned he would remember never to chase after rabies carrying rodents…
"Wheek!" And suddenly there was a splash and a particular rodent was desperately paddling water in front of Riku.
Riku blinked curiously… Was this an effect of the alcohol? He had only had two glasses…
"WHEEEK!" The animal squeaked. Riku had the strangest flashback to a TV show he used to watch as a kid.
"What's that Lassie? Timmy's stuck in the well?"
But of course, no overgrown, tailless rat was that intelligent. Suddenly, Riku's alcohol slowed mind noticed something in the Guinea pigs mouth.
It was Axel's shoe!
Dear God, what had that idiot gotten himself into?
"Take me to him," Riku conceded, lifting the wet animal out of the bath and quickly towel drying the poor thing, before grabbing his robe and a pair of sandals and following his sworn enemy outside.
The trail was long and winding, and several times Riku tripped and nearly fell, almost sure that the Guinea Pig was tricking him and actually leading him to his doom.
"Urghhh…" That groan was unmistakable!
"Axel!" Riku called, stepping out past the last trees carefully.
"Riku, I'm down here!" A groggy sounding Axel called up, and Riku looked down to find his lover trapped in a hidden fall.
Raising and eyebrow at the hamster, Riku reached down, grabbing Axel by the arm and tugging. After much heaving, a few near mishaps and a certain arm sneaking past the confines of a certain robe, Riku finally gave one strong tug and the two fell backwards, Riku softening Axel's fall, much to his displeasure.
"Riku, you came for me," Axel's voice was light and teasing, despite their previously dangerous situation. A hand pushed away Riku's robe, and Riku glared up at his husband.
"Not now," Riku protested, only to be silenced by a pair of lips.
Axel pulled away slowly, looking down at Riku. "Haven't you heard? This is the part of the movie where I get to thank my savior."
A "Wheek!" rang out and Riku laughed as the scent of beeswax reached his nose.
"Go on and thank him then. He's waiting for you." Axel's green eyes widened in horror as Riku laughed. Yes, it was the start of a beautiful marriage.
-Back to the Present-
"And that's how you got us stuck with this thing," Riku reminded him. Over the course of his story, they had dropped the Guinea Pig off at Kairi's for it to be groomed, and now they were patiently waiting the third member of the family's arrival.
A honk from outside signaled them, and when they opened the door, their mouths dropped in shock.
The Guinea Pig had certainly been groomed. In fact, it was wearing baggy jeans (were those jeans? How did they even fit?) and an even baggier jacket that read "Pimp." The sunglasses rested upon its head as it cuddled in Kairi's arms.
"Sorry guys, but I couldn't resist! It just seems to suit him!"
Still in shock, Riku reached out to the Guinea Pig, which snapped at him, adding another bite to the many others.
"Another, you little-"
Axel and Kairi burst into laughter.
All in all, it had been a decent honeymoon.
Beeswax is the scent a guinea pig is said to give off when it feels…sexual. Ahah. "WHEEEEK" is the sound it's supposed to make. :D
If we do make a sequel for this, it'll be under Reina's account. Look out for it:D