Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon. Tough fact of life, but I've gotten over it. Have you?
A/N: This is a zany idea that came to me a while back, and I've only just written it all down. It's humorous and intended to be somewhat crazy, so get ready. You're in for a treat…
The Digital Court
"All rise for the honorable judge Daemon," SkullSatamon, the bailiff, said smugly, rapping his staff against the hardwood floors of the courtroom.
The jury, the general public, and, of course, the defendant rose as Daemon entered the courtroom from a side door. After seating himself, the Demon Lord made an impatient gesture as he began leafing through the case's paperwork. The court promptly sat down, keeping a wary eye on the Dark Digimon.
Judge Daemon had a bad reputation for toasting members of the court who annoyed him, so most people decided it was prudent to do what he wanted as quickly as possible.
Clearing his throat, Daemon looked up from the paperwork and glared down at the defendant.
"Well, what does the defendant have to say for himself?"
Davis Motomiya scowled angrily and crossed his arms in defiance.
"First, I'd like to say that I don't have a clue what I'm doing here, and that I have a soccer game later today." The gogglehead stated, his face set in a frown. He really didn't have the slightest clue why he had been dragged down here. Didn't people know that he had things to do?
Daemon blinked. "You mean you weren't told why you were summoned to court?" The Demon Lord glanced over at SkullSatamon, annoyed.
The skeletal bailiff shrugged. "MarineDevimon's sort of lazy about the paperwork. He must have forgotten to fill out the entire form…"
Daemon rolled his eyes. Turning back to Davis, he said, "Well, Digi-Destined, you have been summoned here at the request of a number of your colleagues. It appears that you have been engaging in certain delightfully naughty deeds." The Demon Lord grinned underneath his hood.
"Such as?" Davis questioned, confusion adding to the frustration in his voice.
Daemon picked up a sheet of paper before replying, "This is the official complaint. Ahem! 'Davis Motomiya, after school hours, snuck into the girls' locker room and installed a hidden camera in one of the unused lockers—"
"—and proceeded to press Record, leaving the device running until after school the next day, when he was seen smuggling said camera off of school grounds'." Daemon finished, setting the paper down in front of him, leering underneath his hood. "It's paraphrased, but I think you get the idea…"
Davis was incensed. "WHO CAME UP WITH THIS IDEA? I DIDN'T…!"
Then Davis got his first close look at the jury.
It was composed entirely of teenaged girls from his school. Foremost among said jury was Yolei Inoue, who glared murderously at the gogglehead from behind narrowed eyes.
And although Yolei's glare was the fiercest (and scariest), she had eleven other infuriated girls right behind her.
Davis suddenly felt very, very small.
Daemon cackled in dark amusement.
After gulping several times, Davis said, in a somewhat timid voice, "I'd like to see my lawyer."
"Davis, I'm your lawyer," Cody Hida said in exasperation. The young boy, short legs dangling above the floor, was sitting next to Davis with an open briefcase in front of him.
Davis blinked. "Oh. I was wondering why you were sitting next to me up here, Cody."
Tai, Matt, T.K., and Ken, who were all sitting in the row behind Davis and Cody, slapped their faces in vexation.
Davis' chances didn't look very good.
Daemon apparently didn't think so either.
"Well, what's your—ahem—defense, Mr. Motomiya? Heh, heh, heh…" The Demon Lord said as he failed to hold back malevolent chuckles.
Davis glanced at the jury. He pulled his eyes back very quickly. "Um…I didn't do it?"
SkullSatamon snickered as the glares from the jury box redoubled in intensity.
"AT LEAST ADMIT IT LIKE A MAN!" Yolei roared as she put one foot on top of the jury box's ledge, standing above the rest of the court and pointing at the accused as though she could stab him across the courtroom with her index finger.
Davis quivered under the verbal barrage. The male Digi-Destined behind him shook their heads, pity showing on their faces.
Cody appeared unruffled. "Excuse me, your Honor, but why are the plaintiffs on the jury?"
The boys behind Davis smiled.
Daemon grinned. "Why, because I saw no reason to bar them from the position."
Cody frowned. "But they're biased!"
The Demon Lord shrugged dismissively. "That just means that the defendant will have to come up with a very convincing story—er, I mean, defense."
The boys behind Davis slammed their heads against the railing between them and their distressed leader.
"Be quiet, Davis," Cody said, frowning. The young attorney was reasonably frustrated. Courts under the Great Demon Lords were seldom fair, but this was ridiculous.
Straightening his back, Cody continued, "What proof does the court have that my client committed this uncouth, immature, immoral, indecent act against the plaintiffs?"
"Gee, way to make me feel better, Cody…"
Daemon grinned again. "I was wondering when you'd get to that…"
Gesturing imperiously at SkullSatamon, the Demon Lord proclaimed, "Bring in the witness!"
The bailiff bowed and proceeded through a side door. A few moments later, the skeletal Digimon returned, leading…
"I'm sorry, Davish! Gatomon said she'd maul me if I didn't tell them what I saw!"
Davis' eyes bugged out. "VEEMON? WHAT'RE YOU DOING UP THERE? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTING ME, NOT TESTIFYING AGAINST ME!"
Veemon shrugged, uncomfortable in his position on the witness' chair. Yolei, from her seat in the jury box, leered triumphantly. She looked vaguely like a spider waiting for the fly to struggle and entangle itself even deeper in her web.
Davis makes a very good fly.
Said gogglehead felt somewhat betrayed. After all, it wasn't everyday your partner turned around and told the whole court you did something…well, wrong.
"Veemon, I didn't do it! How can you say you saw me putting a camera in the girls' locker room if I wasn't there to do it?" Davis asked, leaning over the table with his hands braced against the wood.
Veemon squirmed in discomfort. "…you know, Gatomon's claws are really sharp…"
Cody was unfazed. Mostly. "Your Honor, the witness has just confessed to being coerced into bearing false witness. I move that the case be dismissed on charges of false testimony and lack of evidence."
The boys behind Davis pumped their fists in victory.
Daemon leered behind his hood. "Coercion helps keep things interesting. Motion overruled."
The boys behind Davis slammed their heads against the rail repeatedly. This was very vexing.
Cody grimaced. This was the last time he worked in a Demon Lord's court of law.
Davis put his face in his hands wearily. "At least Kari isn't here…"
Yolei took this opportunity to declare loudly, "SHE WAS TOO ASHAMED OF YOU TO COME!"
"Your Honor, I'd like to ask for a short recess. We, uh, need to polish our defense," Davis' young attorney said, crossing his fingers behind his back. Beside him, his client began to bang his head against the table repeatedly.
It looked like it hurt.
Daemon considered Cody's request before shrugging. "Why not? I'm late for my manicure as it is." As the court's faces contorted in expressions of bewilderment (and mild amusement from those not directly involved in the case), Daemon picked up the gravel and banged it on the pedestal. "Court is now in recess."
The Demon Lord rose and walked out a side door, leaving the courtroom abuzz with conversation.
Davis turned around as fast as lightning and said, "Ken, you have to help me!"
Ken blinked. "What can I do, Davis?"
"You're a detective! I'll hire you to find out who really did it!" The gogglehead said intently. "I'll even throw the next soccer game for you!"
Tai raised an eyebrow. "Davis, Ken's team always beats you anyway."
"Thanks, Tai. It means a lot to me…"
Ken tapped a finger to his chin. "You know, Davis, I might know what to do…"
"Ken, are you sure this is a good idea?" Wormmon asked as the insectoid Digimon peeked around Ken's leg.
"Not really, but it's the only way I know how to help Davis." Ken answered, peering through the gloom.
Wormmon fidgeted beside him. "I just hope we don't regret this…"
"Same here, buddy."
The two walked down a dark, musty tunnel together, being very careful not to make any sudden moves.
When they reached the bottom, a deafening voice boomed out, "WHO DARES TO DISTRUB THE GREAT ZEEDMILLENNIUMMON FROM HIS SLUMBER?"
Gulping, Ken said, "Um, sorry to disturb you, Oh Great and Powerful Master of Time and Space, but my friend and I need a favor."
"WHAT FAVOR IS THIS?"
"Well, I need you to open a portal to the Odaiba Middle School. It needs to take us out approximately four days ago, after school lets out," Ken answered, crossing his fingers.
Wormmon would have crossed his fingers, but he didn't have any. Just little legs with sticky tips.
"HMM. WHY SHOULD I DO THIS FOR YOU?"
Reaching into his back pocket, Ken pulled out a large, foil-covered object. "I have a Hershey's Bar."
"…VERY WELL, I'LL OPEN A PORTAL FOR YOU."
Ken and Wormmon sighed in relief. "Thank you, Great One," Ken said gratefully.
"Nice call with the chocolate bar, Ken."
"Thanks, Wormmon. Everyone knows that powerful Digimon like ZeedMillenniummon crave chocolate."
"…YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO HAVE A KIT KAT BAR, WOULD YOU?"
"Okay, Wormmon, now that we're at the school before the camera is hidden in the girls' locker room, we can find out who really put it there and set Davis up to take the fall."
"…Ken? Doesn't our presence here create an alternate timeline where events turn out differently than they would have before? What if we create an entirely new timeline where everything goes horribly wrong and we're forced into trials and tribulations that pale in comparison to what Davis is going through now? I mean, four days in the future. At least…I think that's what I mean…"
Temporal travels hurt Wormmon's head.
Ken massaged his forehead as he considered this. "…you know, Wormmon, it makes my head ache to think about it. Let's just…keep our interference to a minimum before we return…"
Apparently, temporal travel hurts Ken's head, too.
(A/N: Anyone who figures out the tribute in the last few chapters gets…I don't know, a shiny star for their bulletin board; I'm not much for cash prizes. If you can't figure it out, I'll tell you at the end.)
"Look! Someone's coming out of the girls' locker room!" Ken whispered to his partner. The two were hiding in a classroom down the hall, peeking out through the door.
Sure enough, a shadowy figure was emerging from the 'sacred, untouchable, deadly-to-intruding-males' girls' locker room, chuckling at his mischief. The figure then disappeared down the hall.
Ken smiled in triumph. "Let's go, Wormmon. We have a culprit to catch."
Wormmon grinned (however that's physically possible with his insectoid mouth…), and proclaimed, "Back to the Future!"
"Your Honor, after considerable deliberation, the defense is ready to state its case." Cody said, back in the courtroom four days later.
…don't anybody say a word about temporal mechanics. They make my head hurt, too.
Daemon examined his fresh manicure absentmindedly. "Yes, yes, let's get it over with."
Beside him, SkullSatamon chuckled malevolently.
Glancing at the bailiff, Daemon added, "I must inform the defendant that SkullSatamon is not only bailiff, but executioner as well."
Cody wasn't worried.
Clearing his throat, the young attorney continued, "The defense has obtained proof that the defendant, Davis Motomiya, is, in fact, innocent of the charges. Furthermore, we have two eyewitness accounts as to the real culprit."
In the back of the courtroom, a figure gulped. 'Uh, oh.'
Standing, Ken said, "Utilizing the assistance of a certain Digimon, who wishes to remain anonymous, me and my partner were able to witness the crime as it occurred, and we know who the true culprit is."
At the back, the figure tiptoed towards the door, reaching for the doorknob…
Sweeping his arm across the courtroom dramatically, Ken announced loudly, pointing his to the back, "The culprit is…IMPMON!"
Impmon froze, his gloved hands just touching the doorknob. Turning, the mischievous Digimon eyed the court, which had turned to face him.
"Uh…" The Digimon gulped. "…heh, heh, heh…I'm sorry?"
The jury, composed of the female plaintiffs, froze for a moment before leaping out of the jury box with Indian war cries. The ladies, led by an infuriated Yolei, stampeded across the courtroom, their fists and voices, as well as their ire, raised.
Between twelve young ladies, that's a lot of ire.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Turning on his heel, Impmon flung open the courtroom doors before barreling down the hallway. The enraged jury quickly followed, filling the entire courthouse with their screams and threats.
Davis blinked in bewilderment as the court stared after the small mob.
Daemon raised an eyebrow before shrugging.
"Seeing as the jury has decided to take justice into their own hands, I declare this court adjourned." The Demon Lord banged the gravel before standing.
Davis gasped in relief, clutching his heart. Turning to Ken, he said rapidly, "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU…!"
"Okay, Davis, don't overdo it," Cody said as he grinned. The young attorney began to pack his briefcase.
Tai's grin stretched nearly from ear to ear. "Nice job of staying cool out there, Davis."
Said gogglehead beamed.
Matt added, "Yeah, really. For a while there, I thought the jury was going to roast you…" His voice trailed off as he looked out the window.
Outside, the female jury had Impmon tied to a slender post, which they carried over their shoulders, as though the Digimon was a pig on a spit.
Rather an apt image, actually…
"BURN THE IMP! BURN THE IMP! BURN THE IMP!"
T.K. whistled underneath his breath as the others shook their heads.
"…do you think we should help him?" Davis asked slowly.
All six boys then exclaimed, "NAH."
A/N: I loved writing this. What fun. It was a nice break from Digital Realms; I could go nuts and do something that doesn't have to be too believable.
Temporal situations like Ken and Wormmon's open up no end to bad puns… ;)
For those of you who couldn't guess the tribute, it was: Ultra Sonic 007's Zero Two: A Revision. For it to all make sense, you'd have to read Ultra's entire fic, but it would be time well spent, I assure you. And by the way, I don't own any of Ultra's work, including his Revision series.
Anyway, please drop me a review to tell me what you think!