Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing besides my personality- I'm definitely in the red.


I have no idea why I decided to finally do this. Asking Catherine out, I mean. Obviously, it's something I've wanted to do for a while, but it's just a stupid thing to do.

For starters, she's straight. Blatantly so. She dates men; a lot of men. I probably shouldn't be so relieved that most of them are bastards, but I am.

Also, even if she was gay, the odds of her liking me- when she could have just about anyone- are pretty pathetic. I'm a pretty plain human being.

Now Catherine- she's anything but plain. She's absolutely gorgeous. Blue eyes that make my soul melt; amazing strawberry blonde hair that I just want to wrap around my finger; an incredible body that makes it far too easy for me to imagine her as a dancer; She's just… stunning. completely stunning.

No way in hell she'd be interested in someone like me. I'm her worst enemy, for God's sake!

And yet for some reason, I'm standing in front of her office door. About to ask Catherine out on a date.

What made me think this was a good idea?

Oh yeah. She gave me one of those smiles. The one usually reserved for her dates. Even if it was just in my head, my heart almost burst out of my chest when she smiled at me.

I knock on her door, and wait for her to say something.

"Come in."

I do just that. I open the door and walk in.

Wow. She looks gorgeous. She always does, of course, but at the moment… I don't think words can suitably describe her beauty. Her hair's slightly mussed, and she's wearing those sexy glasses.

Her entire face seems to light up when she sees it's me inside her office. From my point of view, at least. It doesn't mean a thing. She's probably just happy to have a distraction from paperwork.

Why she'd want to when she looks that fantastic doing it is beyond me. But there's no other reasonable explanation for that look in her eyes.

I don't want to get caught staring, so I think I should probably get to the point quickly. Though… she'll know exactly why I'm staring when I do ask her… Screw it, she doesn't like me, so I shouldn't be staring at her.

Still… that smile she gave me…

Snap out of it, Sidle!

"Hey, Cath. I wanted to ask you something." Considering how nervous I am, I'm surprised at how calm my voice sounds. I guess knowing that I have no chance sort of takes the suspense out of it.

But for some reason, I can't resist asking.

"Oh? What?"

Here goes- at least I'm too far away for her to slap me…

"I was wondering, would you like to-"

"Ms. Willows, you have a visitor at reception."

Damn.

"Okay- tell them I'll be right out." She turns back to me. "What was it you wanted to ask me, Sara?"

I should back out… it's probably one of her boy toys, and asking her out now would be incredibly awkward for both of us.

"Nothing important- I think I figured out the answer, anyways." My guess is that she would say something about not being into women, and that she is definitely not attracted to me either way. I don't even know why I was going to ask her.

"All right then, I guess. I've uh, got to go- I have a date."

Ouch. If she hadn't said she was going out on a date, I might have been able to get through this minimal pain.

As of now, I feel like a vice is about to clench my heart; the morbid anticipation is there, but I'm not quite aware of the pain yet.

Against my better judgment, I follow her out to reception.

Catherine's walking towards someone with a bouquet of roses with a smile on her face. She accepts the flowers with a grin, and kisses her darker companion.

Pulling back, she's still smiling, and I get my first view of her partner.

There's the pain. Her date is a woman. Dark hair, dark eyes, and tan skin.

She didn't have a problem with women… she had a problem with me… not surprising but still…

I need to get out of here. I need to stop looking at Catherine. I need to stop feeling her happiness from across the room.

I walk back to the break room and sit down on the couch.

All I can feel is the mind numbing pain that's rushing through my body. I can hardly breathe, it hurts so much. My breath keeps on catching in my throat.

My heart feels likes it's been ripped out of my body, had needles placed in it, and put in a vacuum; draining all the blood out of my heart and shrinking it.

Only it's worse than that. A thousand times worse.

"Sara?" Greg's standing in front of me. He's trying to smile, but there isn't any happiness in it. Just sympathy.

He knows the drill- whenever I see Catherine with one of her boy toys, I go to some bar with him and get wasted.

Greg is the only person who knows about my feelings for Catherine. He found out when we met up at a bar the morning after I saw her with a man. I think it might have been Chris, but I've lost track somewhere along the line.

Getting drunk is usually a nice way to dull the pain. Or it makes it impossible for me to experience such extreme emotions. I don't know which.

But I don't think it's going to work tonight.

"Tell Grissom I'm going home… I feel sick…"

Greg nods. "Do you want to-?"

I interrupt him. "Thanks for the offer, Greg, but I don't think alcohol is going to be enough tonight." My voice sounds completely dead.

"Okay," he says softly. Damn, why couldn't I have fallen helplessly in love with him?

Somehow, I've made it home. My first instinct is to grab a beer and spend the rest of the night on the couch. But like I told Greg, I don't think it'll be enough tonight.

No idea why.

It's not like I haven't seen her with a date before.

Seeing her with a female date is hardly any different.

I just need to accept that she doesn't love me, and she never will. Even if she doesn't have a problem with dating women, she will never be interested in me.

I knew that. It shouldn't be hurting like this. Hell, it shouldn't be possible to hurt like this without crying.

I pick up the bottle and take a long swig from it. I told Greg alcohol isn't enough to dull the pain tonight.

But it still might help.