Summary: Some cast members of FMA take a peek at "pairing" fanfictions. These are their reactions to most of them.
I don't own FMA. And sadly, I probably never will.
"Pairing" and Yaoi/Yuri Fanfiction
Edward Elric sat back from his computer screen, mouth agape. He couldn't believe all the stuff he had just read. How could there be people out there who thought of him that way? What did he ever do to deserve a fate such as this? Was God testing him? If he was, this was some sick test.
"You people are joking, right??" he asked the computer screen in confusion.
Alphonse, his younger brother, looked over Ed's shoulder to see what he had been reading. "What's the matter Brother?" Al asked.
Ed couldn't even look at his brother. There had been stuff about him too, and it wouldn't seem right to fill his head with this stuff.
"It's nothing Al. Nothing for you to get worried over." Ed said quickly as he was about to log out of the website he was on. Alphonse saw this as he managed to place a hand over the mouse before Ed could get to it first.
"Let me see what's got you so worked up." Al said as he started trying to push his brother out of the way so that he could get a better look at what Ed was looking at.
"No Al, you shouldn't read it!" Ed said as he started trying to wrestle the mouse out of Al's hand. Al tugged it back from him. "Come on, what could be so horrible that you don't want me looking at?"
"Fine Al. But don't say I didn't warn you." Ed said as he stood up from the computer screen and backed away from Al. Al took Ed's spot and started reading what Ed had been reading. He watched his younger brother's eyes go from side to side reading, clicking on a few things, a couple times Al put a hand to his mouth or let out gasps. After he was done looking, he turned back to face Ed.
"Brother...what is this?" Al asked.
Ed sighed. "I warned you not to read it Al."
"But Brother...some of this is just sick! How could there be people out there who come up with this stuff?" Al asked furiously.
"Hey, how should I know where people get ideas like that?" Ed asked as he threw his hands up in the air.
"But where is the equivalency in writing these? I can't find any..." Al started to say, but was then interrupted by Ed.
"Screw equivalent exchange! This defies all logic and laws known to man!"
They both remained silent for a moment, before Al said, "Ed... You actually don't feel that way...about the Colonel, right?"
Ed nearly jumped him. "You mean that smug bastard? Of course I don't feel that way. It's lies, all of it!" Ed said as he pounded his fist onto the table in anger.
"Including the stories about...you and me?"
"Well duh, your my little brother, that's just sick to think of you any more than that." Ed said pointedly.
Ed steamed. "ESPECIALLY NOT THAT FREAKIN PALM TREE!! I HATE HIS FRICKEN GUTS! WHY WOULD I EVER FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT AN ABOMINATION SUCH AS HIM???" Ed said loudly.
Al scanned the web page again. "Hey, there are a few things here about Winry..."
Ed immediately pushed his brother out of the way. "What kind of stuff are they saying about Winry?"
"Nothing really bad actually. Most of the stuff here is about either you and Winry or me and Winry." Al pointed at a part of the screen. Ed stared for a moment before turning away.
"Our relationship together isn't like that." he whispered. Al was still scanning the website, clicking on a few things.
"There's also a few about Winry and Roy being together." Al said as quietly as possible.
"WINRY WOULDN'T CHEAT ON ME WITH THAT DAMN BASTARD!" Ed exploded.
"I thought you said your relationship together wasn't like that?" Al asked.
"I take back everything I said. There's no way in hell that the two of them would end up together." Ed huffed.
Al said nothing for a moment, before he then said slyly, "So you do like her like that!"
"Shut up Al.", Ed said as he turned to stare at the back wall. Al scrolled down the page before starting to laugh.
"What's so funny Al?"
"There's also a couple of things here about you or me or Envy or Roy having a relationship with someone completely made up." Al said. Ed came back over to read over his shoulder. After a little while, he straightened up and said, "Only some of those stories make since."
"I also found a Roy and Envy together one."
"No way, let me look." Ed said as he pushed Al out of the way. They read for a moment before bursting out in laughter and rolling on the floor.
"That is just too hilarious! I can almost see it in my mind's right eye. Colonel Bastard waiting for Palm Tree to walk down the aisle towards him on their wedding day." Ed said as he hugged his ribs in laughter.
"There are also a few Riza Hawkeye and Mustang stories too."
"Yeah well, that was bound to happen anyway." Ed said dismissively.
"WHAT IS THE RACKET IN HERE??" Roy asked as he barged through the doors. Ed and Al immediately covered the computer screen. "Nothing." they chorused. Mustang pushed them out of the way to read the web page.
"What the hell is this? Is this your doing Full Metal?" Mustang asked as he turned on Ed.
"Hey, I had nothing to do with it. It's just a bunch of crazy fans out there." Ed said defensively. Mustang immediately left to the door. He then turned and snapped his fingers, setting the computer on fire.
"Hey! My AOL Instant Messenger was on that!" Ed said furiously. "And my Minesweeper!"
"If I ever catch the two of you on that site again, I will make sure it's you who bursts into flame and not the computer." Mustang said menacingly as he stormed out of the office. The minute they were sure that he had left, Ed fixed the computer using alchemy.
"Let's read that story again about Mustang and Envy." Ed sneakily grinned as he logged into the Internet.
Back in Mustang's office, he went to his computer and found the exact it site Ed and Al had been on. After a silent moment, he found what he had been looking for. He picked up his telephone and made a few calls. After a few minutes, Breda, Havoc, Fury, Falman, Scheska, Armstrong, Hughes, and Hawkeye entered his office.
"You called for us sir?" Hawkeye asked.
"I need you all to look at this for a second." Roy said. They all went around him to look at the computer screen for a moment. After a very silent moment, a couple of them burst into laughter.
"You can't be serious..."
"You must be joking..."
"This can't be real..."
"I am quite serious and this is indeed real Havoc, Fury, and Breda." Mustang said, a smug smile forming on his lips.
"But who writes these? I've never read things like this before, and I must of read about every book in Central." Scheska said with a finger to her chin.
"According to Full Metal, these are written by a bunch of fans." Mustang explained.
"But what kind of fan writes those?" Hawkeye asked, eyebrows raised.
"How should I know?" Mustang asked.
"I got to say, some of these are funny. Especially that one." Hughes said, pointing to a particular one on the screen.
"Being able to enjoy works of literature such as this has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations!" Armstrong said dramatically.
"I'm sure it has..." Falman said, suppressing his wanting to hit him.
"But yeah, let's read that one again!" Breda said excitedly.
"Yeah, you can almost imagine the romance between the two of them." Hughes said as he put a hand over his heart.
"Ok then. You want 'Full Metal and Palm Tree', then you got it." Roy laughed as he clicked on it again to read.
Extreme anger was etched in every line of Envy's face. He suddenly turned his arm into a spike and stabbed it through the computer screen. "Those sick bastards!!"
"What are you yelling about now Envy? And why did you damage Dante's computer again?" Lust asked as she entered the room.
"I check my email once every 100 something years, and what do I find? Stories all over this 'Internet' about me being intimate with the Full Metal Pipsqueak or that Flame Alchemist. And a few random others." Envy spat.
"Intimate...with the Full Metal boy..." Lust said slowly, trying to comprehend that.
"Do I have to repeat myself? Yes, I said 'Intimate with Full Metal'. When I find these sick weirdoes, I am so going to kill them!!!" Envy said as he stormed out the door on this new crusade. Lust didn't say anything for a moment, before a secretive smile played across her face.
"Hmm...Interesting...I can almost envision that..." she said to herself, imagining Envy and Ed Elric holding hands.
"I HEARD THAT!!" Envy shouted from the other room.
After reading the Roy and Envy story over and over again, Ed then wrote a letter,
Dear Fanfiction Writers,
I appreciate the fanism. Really, I do.
But there is one thing I don't appreciate.
Stories about these 'pairings' as you call them, with the most unlikely people on the face of the planet.
You people must be joking, right?? Right???
It isn't happening. Ever.
And if I find one more story about me and Envy or me and Roy or even worse, me and my little brother, I will hunt you down and punch you in the face.
Have a nice day.
From the desk of the Full Metal Alchemist.
Ed Elric, the "non-gayest" character in the entire series.
PS. I do enjoy the Roy and Envy stories though...
Roy Mustang also wrote a similar letter like Ed's.
Dear everyone on this site,
Not that I don't hate you all or something, but the stories must stop. I have way too many girlfriends to be gay with Full Metal or the freaky palm tree. So stop the stories, or else I'll set your house on fire.
From the Flame Alchemist.
PS. Envy and Ed stories actually do make me laugh. Those I don't care if you stop doing or not. Just don't mention me anywhere in those stories.
Envy's letter however, was not as formal as Ed and Roy's.
Ok you sick fucks, I just have one thing to say,
I. HATE. YOUR. GUTS.
When I find you people who write these stories, I will tear you limb from limb and feed you to Gluttony. So you better watch out. Especially the people who wrote stories about me and Pipsqueak liking each other. Have you all forgotten that he is the son of my bastard father? WHY WOULD I LIKE HIM?
I hate you all and hope that you all die horrible painful deaths. I will probably cause that.
See you in hell!
PS:...Ed and Roy stories, please continue those. I have no objections to those as I enjoy the shrimps pain.
Ok, just to let everyone know, I am in no way against anyone's fanfics in particular. In fact, I didn't even mean the fanfictions from this site. It's just the basic idea of how these characters reactions to these stories would probably be.
R&R everyone. I'm pretty sure there are some of you out there who are laughing their asses off reading this.