I present to you, the most unorthodox news team of them all. The Konoha Channel 7 News, for people who're in a crack-mood. Read wisely.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
"All right crew, we have five until we hit the air." The cameraman said to the news team already at the desks. Naruto scratched his head as he glared sideways at his news partner.
"Why am I stuck with this asshole?" He asked whiningly. The cameraman rolled his transparent eyes.
"Because, we were out of people to work with you. You're a great newsman and all, but you have this attitude. Sasuke is the only one who can put up with your cocky ass." Neji explained. Sasuke smirked.
"It's only because I know that ass on a personal basis." Sasuke claimed. Naruto snapped his head in the dark teen's direction and looked horrified.
"I thought we were never going to discuss that again!" Naruto said. Sasuke smirked even more.
"You say that every time, and it never gets different." He said smoothly. Naruto twitched spastically. Neji checked his watch and moved to his spot behind the camera. He held up his hand in a five second motion and started to count down.
"Welcome to the Konoha Channel 7 Six O'clock News!" Naruto said, will a calm and relaxed face. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto."
"And I'm Uchiha Sasuke." Sasuke said, staring into the camera seductively. Female (and male) viewers around Konoha had several faint attacks in rapid subsequence. Sasuke winked for good measure. Naruto cleared his throat to get Sasuke's attention away from using his Super Seduction Mode® (Version Two).
"The top news story today: Akatsuki has escaped." Naruto started.
"That's right; every single member of the notorious gang Akatsuki has escaped at the same time." Sasuke continued. Naruto smirked in an unseen way.
"The rumor is that Itachi, Sasuke's brother, had broken out just for Sasuke's ass." Naruto quipped. Sasuke almost sputtered before narrowing his eyes.
"Of course, Naruto would be jealous that someone else can get a piece of this ass except for him, because he knows that the topping game is for the pros, like me." Sasuke retorted. Naruto smiled tightly.
"Ha ha Sasuke, good one. Now to Haruno Sakura, who has found a member of Akatsuki to explain what has happened." Naruto said. The blank television screen in front of the cast flickered on to show Sakura holding a microphone.
"Thank you Naruto. Right beside me, I have the notorious Akatsuki member Uchiha Itachi." Sakura said, the camera suddenly shifting to the deviously sexy young man next to her.
"Good evening Konoha." Itachi greeted in his sensual voice. Sakura almost squealed before holding the microphone up to the gothic young man.
"Tell me Itachi, why did you escape from the tightly guarded prison?" Sakura inquired. Itachi smirked and winked at the camera.
"I believe Naruto was correct in his assumption." Itachi said. Naruto winked back and Sasuke rolled his eyes. Sakura glared at the camera.
"Well now, I guess that's pretty unfortunate for all the girls out there, right?" Sakura asked with a strained smile. Itachi blinked at her.
"Who said anything about me being into girls?" He asked curiously. Female viewers choked and gasped for breath while male viewers cheered. Sakura twitched vaguely. Naruto saw this as the perfect chance.
"Say, Sakura, Itachi may not be into girls, but I sure am! So, what do you say about a date with me?" Naruto asked in a futile attempt. Sakura glared at him.
"Naruto, you dumbass, didn't you understand all the other 'no's?" Sakura replied rudely. Naruto slumped in his seat. Sasuke coughed discreetly and fixed his tie. Naruto smiled sheepishly.
"Sorry for that little distraction." Naruto said. Itachi then tapped at the camera lens.
"Sasuke, ten o'clock my place." Itachi said. Sasuke narrowed his eyes.
"How about my place?" He asked. Itachi scoffed.
"The hell I will. My place. Bring the toys as well." Itachi finalized. Sasuke almost pouted. Almost.
"It seems Sasuke's keeping it in the family." Naruto rudely commented. Sasuke snorted.
"Thank you Naruto, for that input, but you can suck my Big John." Sasuke retorted. Naruto laughed.
"Ha! More like Tiny Tim!" Naruto said. Sasuke flipped him off.
"Now for the weather, with Nara Shikamaru." He said. Shikamaru walked up to the weather map irritant and looked towards the camera.
"This is so troublesome. It's going to rain forever, and we're all going to die." Shikamaru stated. Naruto and Sasuke stared at him and he sighed.
"Fine, it's going to be sunny and in the 70's tomorrow. As for Suna, it's reaching towards the 140's." Shikamaru corrected.
"Thank you, Shikamaru, for the weather." Naruto said and Neji signaled that the news program's time was almost over. Sasuke smiled again at the camera.
"Thank you, and this has been the Konoha Channel 7 Six O'clock News. I'm Uchiha Sasuke." Sasuke said.
"And I'm Uzumaki Naruto! By the way Sasuke, your ass is so mine tonight." Naruto exclaimed happily.
"Sorry, it's already been reserved. Try another time." Sasuke replied bored. Neji then signaled the end of the program and the two stood up while stretching. The studio manager suddenly ran into the room.
"Sasuke, Naruto! I must say, you two did a spectacular job on today's show! Our ratings went over the roof!" The manager said excitedly, his one eye curved. Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other and back to the manager.
"Um, Kakashi, we weren't acting…" Naruto said nervously. The manager's eye curved even more.
"I know, and so do the viewers! In fact, I've gotten 274 calls (approximately) asking for video coverage of your rendezvous with Itachi, Sasuke!" Kakashi explained. Sasuke sputtered indignantly.
"I didn't agree to that!" He yelled angrily.
"No, but Itachi did. Tough luck." Kakashi said happily. Sasuke twitched as Naruto patted his back in a manly way.
"Well Sasuke, at least now they can see the techniques we practice!" Naruto assured gleefully. Sasuke glared.
"Shut up hell up."
All right, so I did a SasuNaru and Uchihacest. Wow, I'm actually proud of myself.