I was inspired to write this after reading one of my mum's novels. i hope it's not too soppy or boring, I was going for a more tragically romantic approach, but I suppose you people will be the judge of that!
I don't own the characters of Inuyasha, so go sue someone else.
Reflections of a Young Woman
Love hurts. It hurts so much more than you can imagine. More than falling into an abyss and meeting sharp spikes at the bottom, yes, more painful than that. Especially when the one you want feels nothing for you.
Sesshoumaru-sama…you have been the object of my passion, of my desire, of my affection, yet you don't seem to notice how much I yearn for you. I shower you with wistful gazes and desperate stares, as if watching you would somehow calm this growing ache that grasps at my soul. Ten years I've been by your side, and never have I been so grateful or happy to have been graced with your presence and company, even now at the age of eighteen, I still await your returns with impatience just as I had as a small child. It seems that Jaken-sama has never gotten used to me, and I doubt he ever will, he's always screaming about this and that and blaming me for everything but I can only smile at his funny little ways because I know that he is your faithful servant and you find him useful, regardless of his mannerisms.
I remember when I was fifteen and we passed through a valley, the most beautiful valley I had ever set foot in, with vast meadows filled with hundreds of different flowers, fields of colour that stretched out further than the human eye could see. I recall the warmth of the late afternoon sun on my skin, noticing how the golden rays matched the colour of your eyes. How I wished it were those eyes roaming over my body instead of the sun. Yes, even at that tender age, an age when my body was blossoming and my mind only beginning to mature, I was already feeling those unfamiliar stirrings of something I couldn't at that time name or control. I remember asking your permission to run ahead and pick some wildflowers and you let me, giving a nod of your head, and I soon skipped off giggling like a little child and scooping up the prettiest flowers from the grass.
It must have been the most wonderful afternoon of my life, so free of preoccupation, of worry and doing nothing except basking in the welcome warmth of the sun in your presence. The grass was so green and the leaves of the trees reflected the sunlight in a way I had always thought inspiring. I remember exactly where you were at that time, sitting beneath a great tree the way you always do, with one long leg stretched out before you while draping your arm over the knee of the other. You looked the same as always, not one flicker of an expression over your face but I could tell that you were feeling at ease, I saw it in the way your head relaxed against the tree trunk. Jaken-sama was less snappy and grumpy than usual despite my constant teasing and throwing of petals over his small figure.
Sesshoumaru-sama, I was so content with you in that valley, as I sat in the middle of that meadow, plucking the petals off a wildflower absently as I watched you. My tender, adolescent heart ached as I gazed at you, at your beautiful face, your long silky hair and the way the soft light of the setting sun kissed your skin, wishing that I could replace it those warm rays. I couldn't understand these feelings then, all I was certain of was that you were the most beautiful being in the world and nothing…nothing…would ever entice me away from you.
Even now, as a young woman, my feelings for you haven't changed. You are still my saviour, my guardian, my prince…but how to make you my love? You must have noticed my transformation from girl to woman, but have you taken into account that the only thing that hasn't changed was how I viewed you? You have always been my protector and I have always been your devoted follower and I don't ever want to alter that relationship yet you speak of sending me away to a human village and then tell me it's for my own good. I don't want to become the wife of some human, can't you see that the only man I want is you? It's only ever been you.
I don't really know exactly when I started to fall in love with you. Maybe it was that day, when it rained as if the sky was mourning some loss and refused to stop, and I asked you if demons knew how to love. It was only a few months ago and the memory is still fresh in my mind. I'd asked that question as we walked through the forest, Jaken-sama and Aun trudging along behind us. You stopped and turned around to face me, staring at me with those intense amber eyes and your hair was magnificently wet with rain and the crystal like drops seemed to sparkle. I felt myself heat up as though I was standing on top of a fire that was just beginning to get hot.
"Demons do not love." You told me in that baritone voice that I found so wonderfully deep and masculine. You turned away from me and began to walk away, leaving me feeling strangely empty and discouraged.
Empty and discouraged…
Yes, that's what I feel whenever I think about the prospect of us being together. I have so much love to give you but if you never return it, would it eventually run out? It's like…giving some of your drinking water to a dry plant; you give and give until there's nothing left and you're the one who remains feeling thirsty. I don't want it to be that way with you, Sesshoumaru-sama.
I want you to stay with me, at my side and love me in the way a man loves a woman. I want you to continue gazing at me with those beautiful amber eyes, in the way that you occasionally do. Sometimes when I'm preparing a fire or doing some trivial chore, I feel your penetrating eyes on me but as soon as I gather the courage to meet your gaze, your head is turned and I am robbed of any hope I might have harboured of you actually being mistaken about your statement of demons not being able to love.
Why are you so skilled at hiding your feelings, Sesshoumaru-sama? Why do you look away when I notice you staring at me? Could I be foolish enough to think that you might somehow feel anything for me?
A thought like that would indeed be foolish. I'm just a lovesick young woman whose heart has been stolen by a Youkai Lord who can never return her feelings. Can't you see how much anguish I'm experiencing over this? Can't you tell by my stares filled of longing that I want to be yours? Don't you notice how I tremble every time you speak to me in your deep, masculine voice?
During the nights I'm alone, when you've gone away to take care of important matters that would leave you occupied for days, I whimper and call out your name unconsciously. I wake up from dreams that leave me aching and trembling for you, dreams of soft kisses and sweet yet searing caresses that set my heart and body aflame. Even though I have not yet been touched by a man, I know that all my hopes and dreams would be fulfilled if you could only take your hands and stroke each part of my body with them, if you could only take your lips and brush them over mine. I would be the happiest woman alive.
But those are only dreams, and they would vanish in a puff of smoke come the morning. Discovering that you are not there, I would often hug my body tightly and hold back my tears of sorrow at your absence.
You don't know what it's like to want someone this much. Sometimes the ache is too hard to bear and even the beauty of the landscapes we pass aren't enough to relieve me of my inner torment. I suffer so much at your side, Sesshoumaru-sama, and yet you have no idea of what I feel for you. It hurts too much too look at you, knowing that I cannot kiss that handsome face or embrace you lovingly and tenderly and it makes my heart want to break into a thousand pieces. I don't much know why you tolerated me as a child or why you even considered allowing me to follow you but I thank the gods for letting it happen while cursing them for it all the same. If you would have left me for dead I would have passed into the other world in peace and forgotten you. Yet you saved me and here I am living in otherworldly sufferings because I know you will never accept my love. I'm not sure, if I were given the choice, to continue with the way I am now or go back to being the dead orphan girl on the forest floor. Obviously I would choose you, Sesshoumaru-sama but before my death as a child, I had already met you and had the pleasure of your presence. To choose between that and the distress I am experiencing of being in love with you and having to keep it a secret…like I said, I wouldn't be certain.
But know that I love you Sesshoumaru-sama, and I do…more than you can imagine. I'm not sure how much more I can bear of this torment but I am glad to follow you as your companion. I have always admired you, and that feeling will never change and even if the world ended, you will always be in my heart and my last thoughts as someone living would forever be of my Lord Sesshoumaru.
How I wish I could touch you, breath in your scent and kiss your lips but I know now that this is not my destiny. A human and a demon together would be like having the day join with the night, it cannot be possible and it kills me to accept this. But I would rather die than leave your side, Sesshoumaru-sama, I just wished you could know that. And I now say with hot, bitter tears of sorrow in my eyes… Sesshoumaru-sama, my angel…my protector:
I want you to love me, please love me…please…
Why won't you love me?