Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.
The songs Hot Stuff and I'm a Little Bit Country, I'm a Little Bit Rock and Roll don't belong to me either. But I did use the chorus of Hot Stuff and the second stanza of I'm a Little Bit Country, I'm a Little Bit Rock 'n Roll. Again, no copyright infringement is intended.
Ever wondered why Edward hates country music and 70s pop?
Thanks to Lakegirl for a super beta.
(AKA Emmett and Jasper on Baking)
The Mariners were in a neck-and-neck battle against the Angels, but, for once, Emmett's mind was far from baseball.
"Do you think we need to...you know...have a talk with Edward? For Bella's sake? He's acting like a real 17-year-old for a change." Emmett whispered just loud enough for Jasper to hear him over the baseball game. They were the only two in the living room, but Emmett didn't need the hassle that would come if Rosalie heard what he was talking about. "Has he ever mentioned to you? I mean, has he ever…? Do you think?"
Jasper's eyes didn't move from the screen. "He's been to medical school twice. I think he knows the score."
"I know he knows how these things work. But the clinical is not the same. Do you think anybody ever...you know, talked to him about it?" Emmett spoke urgently.
"Hmmm...He turned 17 in 1918, right?" Jasper asked.
After a long pause, Jasper finally reacted. "Well, he did come of age in some pretty repressed times, so I doubt it. They didn't allow young men and women alone together. I had more freedom in my youth than he did. But then, I suppose that's one reason he's able to manage so well with Bella as a human. That blushing thing -- I think it's erotic for him."
"Blushing?" Emmett shook his head in disbelief. "You sure about that?"
"I'm telling you, when he was young, people felt that blushing was immodest. They really thought blushing was sexual. Women had a morbid fear of being unable to refrain from blushing. They even had a name for it; ereuthophobia. And Bella blushes all the time. I really do think it turns him on." Jasper grinned. Clearly, he was beginning to enjoy the conversation.
Emmett snickered, "If that's all it takes..."
"Don't be too hard on him. I lived through those times – you really have no idea. I've never known a more repressed period in history." Jasper shuddered. "Poor Edward. Those were his formative years."
Emmett thought about this for a second. "Hey, do you think that's why he's so moody? Because he's repressed?" He raised his eyebrows and waited for Jasper to answer.
"I'm not sure that's it." Jasper shook his head and laughed. "Rosalie's pretty moody herself, and I don't think that's her problem."
Emmett growled, "We're talking about Edward. Leave Rosalie out of this."
"The doctors then were pretty sick with some of their warnings." Jasper explained, getting back to his history lesson. "They claimed that ...uh...solitary activities caused sterility, insanity, consumption, premature senility or even death from loss of body fluids." Emmett dropped his mouth in amazement. "They even sold a girdle for men that made things distinctly uncomfortable, if not impossible. Self-control was a virtue above all things."
"That explains a lot," snorted Emmett.
Jasper was on a roll now. "And the piano," he continued, "It was a prophylactic. It kept your hands busy. Playing the piano well was seen as a physical representation of virtue. It established your family's reputation and proved that you were well educated. And people in another room could keep track of where your hands were."
By this time, Emmett was laughing. "And you know how Edward is about the piano. Although he's been playing it a lot less since he and Bella got together."
"Except when she's here – then he plays the piano for her." Jasper couldn't help it. He finally joined in the laughter. The baseball game was completely forgotten.
"The 60s must have been hell for him," gasped Emmett, remembering how much he personally had enjoyed the era of free love, even if he hadn't been an active participant.
"Probably not as much as Bella being human," Jasper disagreed with a chuckle. "Think about it. You know how sweet her blood smells. And then holding back sexually, too… The boy has willpower. I'm in awe."
Emmett nodded. "He's got to turn her sometime. If he doesn't, he might explode." His shoulders shook with laughter.
Alice wandered into the room. She glanced at Jasper and Emmett laughing then at the game on the television. Her eyes narrowed as she watched the double play in progress. She saw nothing funny about it. "What are you boys laughing at?" she asked innocently.
"Nothing much," Emmett responded quickly.
Jasper mumbled, "Just watching the game."
"Right. He's not going to explode, guys." Alice grinned wickedly. "At least, not before Bella's ready for him to," she added. The three of them burst out laughing together.
"He really hasn't been the same since he met Bella," Emmett pointed out. "First he goes all, 'I want to suck your blood' and then turns into Mr. Romance. But damn, she's so breakable, you know there's no action there. And he's so sexually repressed already. I can't believe he hasn't turned her yet. I mean, how long is he going to spend on foreplay?"
Jasper teased, "He has been a little less high-strung. For a sexually repressed 100-year-old vampire, that is."
"Just think what he'll be like once he gets some!" Emmett spat out between laughs.
Alice raised her eyebrows. "Uh-oh," she gasped.
"What's wrong?" Jasper demanded.
"We're in trouble. He's here." Alice grimaced and sank down on the sofa next to Jasper. Outside, two car doors slammed. Hard.
"Do you think he heard us?" Emmett asked in a low voice, just before Edward entered the house with Bella.
Edward glared at his family. "Nice conversation guys," he sneered. "I'll have you know, I play the piano because I like the piano."
Emmett, Jasper and Alice started laughing again. Bella watched them all, completely confused. She had no idea what was going on, but something about the conversation made her blush.
Jasper whispered just loud enough for her to hear, "She's blushing!" Emmett snorted and doubled over. Alice giggled.
Bella glanced at Edward, hoping he might clue her in. Instead, he shook his head angrily. He took a step toward the new television. Instantly, Emmett moved to defend it. "If you want to break anything, it will have to be the piano." Alice and Jasper tried to hold back another round of laughter.
"Alice, are you sure he's not going to explode?" Jasper asked. Emmett bellowed.
Edward clenched and unclenched his hands, unable to speak. His nostrils flared.
"Don't strain your hands doing that," Emmett teased. "You won't be able to play."
Edward growled at him. He looked ready to attack Emmett right there in the in the living room.
Jasper glanced from one to the other, then to Alice. "This has gotten out of hand," she whispered. "Do something." Jasper nodded, and a wave of calm washed over the room. Emmett's laughter slowed. Edward relaxed his hands.
"Okay, two can play at that game." Edward grinned cruelly at Emmett and then gave him a seductive look. "Smokey, mon ami? Kamikaze. Cojones. Reductio ad absurdum," he said in a sultry voice.
Emmett's mouth dropped open and his eyes widened in fear. He seemed suddenly uncomfortable. Alice giggled. Jasper looked at Emmett and mouthed, "Smokey?"
"Ask Rosalie," Edward snarled.
Then he pointed his finger into the air like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever and began to sing. "I want your hot stuff; baby, I need it. I want your hot stuff, baby, tonight. I want your hot stuff, I've got to feel it. Gotta' have your hot stuff, gotta' have your love tonight!"
He dropped his hands to his sides and looked straight at Alice and Jasper. "Oh, well, at least it's better than Donny Osmond."
They stared at him, no longer smiling. Alice recovered first. "Donny Osmond is great! Even you liked Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat!" she shouted.
Edward looked Jasper in the eye. "Buck Owens?" He grinned and bellowed, "Hee-hee-hee Haw-haw-haw. Hee-haw!"
Jasper dropped his head.
"And Alice, don't go looking at that part of my future," Edward hissed.
Alice covered her eyes with her hands. "Sorry, Edward. I couldn't help it."
Bella looked completely flummoxed over the bizarre scene that had just played out in front of her.
Edward wrapped his arm around her waist and steered her up the stairs toward his room, singing softly, but loud enough for the others to hear, "He's a little bit gentle, he's a little bit runnin' wild. She's a little bit full-grown woman, she's a little bit of a child. Don't know if I'm happy or sad; my music makes me whole. I'm a little bit country and I'm a little bit rock'n roll." He looked over his shoulder Alice and Jasper staring into each other's eyes. He chuckled and shook his head.
"What was that about?" Bella asked. She was still blushing, but she thought she was starting to figure out why.
"You know, you're beautiful when you blush," Edward mumbled nervously. "I think I may have to write a song about it…for the piano."
Note on foreign languages. Edward has chosen his random foreign words carefully.
Mon ami: French for my friend
Kamikaze: Japanese for divine wind. Used to describe a suicide mission.
Cojones: Spanish for testicles. (Thanks for the catch, Ironfaery!)
Reductio ad absurdum: Latin for reduction to the absurd.