Disclaimer: I own very few things, and Naruto is not one of them.
This is pretty much what happens when you remove the filter between your brain and the keyboard. Sleep deprivation helps too.
Oh, and if you get through all this and find yourself wanting more, go check out my other stories. They're a little more...tactful. :)
Just another day in Konaha, it seemed.
The birds were chirping, the grass was growing, and Maito Gai was doing his daily squats while eating raisin oatmeal with a spork.
Completely in the buff.
On the roof of his house.
"Youth one…youth two…youth three…"
Yep. Just another regular day in Konaha.
Regardless, the talk of town was not the horrifying image that would befall anyone foolish enough to look up, but rather the small, diminutive girl who always seemed to be looking down.
It was, of course, a commonly known fact that Hyuuga Hinata was deeply in love with Uzumaki Naruto. Likewise, it was common knowledge that Naruto was an idiot. Thus, the pair provided a sense of comic relief by way of Hinata's continual heart-wrenching disappointment coupled with Naruto's unrelenting ignorance.
Now might also be an appropriate time to point out that the villagers of Konaha were complete assholes.
(Still, it wasn't as bad as the time all the children at the orphanage mistook a blood-soaked Gaara for Santa Claus. It wasn't so much that he planned to kill them in a ritualistic mass murder to appease the deranged spirit of his deceased mother…it just, ya know, happened…but I digress.)
Today was another day, and another day was all the pale-eyed Hyuuga would need to finally confess her feelings for the boy she held so close to her heart. The young woman was currently making a beeline for the Ichiraku ramen shop in the hopes of catching her one true love.
I-I can't keep hiding behind these feelings any longer! Naruto-kun…Naruto-kun deserves to know how I feel! Even if he doesn't feel the same way about me, at least he…at least he'll know how much I care…
She rounded a corner of the bustling Konaha streets only to be halted by a perusing Tsunade-sama. Actually, 'engulfed' might have been a better word.
"Mmpf!" was the only thing able to escape the petite girl as she tried to free her head from the Hokage's buxom person.
Startled, Tsunade glanced down to see the struggling form of a very distraught and oxygen-deprived Hyuuga heiress.
"Oh for-…not again…"
Several unpleasant yet surprisingly supple moments later, Hinata found herself starring up at the successor to the Third. It would also seem her headband had come undone and was now lost within a sea of flesh.
The young girl cast a pleading look upon the older woman, then down towards the chasm before her.
"T-Tsunade-sama! I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking where I was going, a-and…"
Her meager apology was dismissed with a lazy wave and sigh.
"Eh, don't worry about it. Things get stuck in there all the time."
Not quite sure how to respond to that, Hinata was nevertheless surprised to see the Hokage plunge an arm elbow deep into her own cleavage.
"Let's see here…this?…no…maybe, uh uh…hmm, what about…darn…"
Sake bottles, pixie sticks, seventeen dollars in change and a 2004 Volkswagon Beetle all took their rightful place on the ground beside the Gondaime. As Hinata's jaw drew closer and closer to her toes, the overly endowed woman finally extracted the much sought after item.
"Here ya go! Heh, right next to the patio set. I should've known…"
The young Hyuuga numbly accepted her headband, all the while unable to keep her gaze off something that was making one eye twitch horribly.
The woman in question arched an eyebrow and only then noticed the small tuft of white present in the great divide of her bosom.
To say the least, she turned bright red as a firm hand took hold of the offending entity.
With a mighty pull, one very irate Hokage was dangling a stupified Sennin high in the air by his luxurious mane of snowy white locks.
"Dammit Jiraiya! How long have you been in there?"
The Toad Hermit cast her a lecherous grin.
Hinata's eyes began to cross as she tried to stop a nosebleed.
"Damned pervert! I'll deal with you later!"
And with that, Tsunade-sama stuffed him back into the confines of her blouse. A huge grin immediately replaced the previous scowl.
"Now, Hinata-san, what brings you out on such a lovely…Hinata-san?"
Alas, the young girl had bolted down a side alleyway the instant she was certain nothing else would be sprouting out from the crazy woman's chest.
That'll take years of therapy to get over… but it's all worth it in the pursuit of Naruto-kun! Maybe someday I'll be able to stuff him in my…no! Bad thoughts! Bad! Must first gain recognition, then molestation! Deep breaths! Just follow the game plan…
That particular inner monologue was doomed to fail the instant she laid eyes upon the sight that now lay before her.
As Hinata turned the final corner, she spied Sakura decked out in a white lab coat and goggles dangling a large ball of yarn over Naruto's belly. The boy in question was lying on his back, swatting at it furiously.
Hinata's lavender eyes nearly rolled out of her head.
Just at that moment, Sakura spied the intrusive Hyuuga and beckoned her over. About half a dozen reasons why this was a bad idea were immediately drowned out by how adorable Naruto looked acting like a kitty.
Against her better judgment, the young woman cautiously closed the distance in order to better inspect their questionable activities.
The pink-haired girl nodded sagely.
"Good morning, Hinata-san. Care to observe my research?"
"Excellent. First, let me assure you that no sentient creatures are being hurt in these trials. Only Naruto."
"Humane? Yes, yes, we try our best. Anyway, today's case study is the application of a ball of yarn upon the test subject. My goal is to prove the long held belief that foxes are naturally attracted to the aforementioned item."
This was met with a quizzical pale-eyed stare.
"D-Doesn't that only work on cats?"
"Nope. Foxes too."
Sakura cast Hinata an exasperated look.
"Hinata-san, have you ever seen a fox refuse a ball of yarn?"
She had to think about that for a moment.
"Well, if you haven't seen a fox not want to play with yarn, then there's no way you could know that it wouldn't want to play if given the chance, correct?"
"Therefore, it is logical to assume that foxes do indeed prefer the finely spun hair of a lamb based on the fact that you cannot disprove their love for said object by any empirical means. In fact, it could be surmised by these same irrefutable principles of science that foxes also enjoy being beaten senseless by a freshly caught herring."
Hinata was still trying to mull through the pure anti-logic of whatever Sakura had just rambled on about when she finally caught the last part.
"S-Sakura-san, what did you just-"
"FISHY FISHY NO JUTSU!"
At that precise moment, a ginormous rainbow-speckled herring poofed into existence and landed right in the crazed Haruno maiden's hand. With a mighty swing, Sakura nearly unhinged Naruto's jaw with a devastating fwap across the face. Oddly enough, the fish burst into small, bite-size morsels of candy.
Or fish intestines. Whichever.
The point is that the poor creature exploded on contact. Also, whatever spell the blond boy had been under was immediately broken by the sheer brutality of marine murder. He rubbed his jaw vigorously.
"Sakura-chan! Why would you do that to me!"
He began to pout.
"You know I like it a bit higher…"
The young woman was only too happy to comply. A veritable storm of fish guts began to rain down upon anything and everything as herring after herring leapt to the kunoichi's call only to be subjected to aquatic genocide. Naruto was laughing like a mad man.
"Hee hee! That tickles!"
"Nice one Sakura! I'll be feeling that tomorrow!"
"Woot! I think you dislocated my shoulder! C'mon Demon Fox, heal me up baby!"
Ninja Art! Inner Sakura burning fwap of misguided emo love! CHA!
"Oh wow! I didn't even know that part of my body had nerve endings! Awesome!"
At this point, Sakura was hastily taking notes in a ledger, Naruto had fish goo dribbling down his whisker marks, and Hinata practically wet herself.
Ya know what? Her undying love could wait just a little bit longer.
Having seen quite enough, the young Hyuuga girl hightailed it the hell out of there.
Has everyone gone insane? I-I need to find Shino! He'll know what to do!
Suffice it to say, the dark-haired bug-nin was only one street over, coolly resting against a lamppost. Hinata immediately made her way over to her long time friend and teammate.
"Shino-kun! Everyone's gone crazy! T-Tsunade-sama was pulling things out of her…umm…and Sakura was b-beating Naruto with…well…I just don't know anymore!"
Having now rested her trust in the sensible confines of Shino, Hinata was nevertheless surprised when he did not so much as acknowledge her presence.
After a few more seconds of uninterrupted silence, she worked up the nerve to poke him gently in the shoulder. Instantly, his head snapped around, causing the Hyuuga maiden to hop backwards in fright.
"Shino-kun! Are you al-"
Hinata's train of thought immediately derailed and burst into flames. She regarded the boy with a dumbfounded look.
Shino adjusted his glasses casually, allowing a single eyebrow to ascend over the rim.
"Beef. It's what's for dinner."
The poor girl just about keeled over dead.
"S-Shino-kun…what does that have to do with anything?"
Once again, the bug user adjusted his glasses carefully, now turning completely to regard the small girl before him.
"Hinata-san. It has been decided by the producers of this manga that in lieu of my minor speaking roles, I would be best utilized for advertising purposes. Thus, I have been instructed to speak only in corporate slogans. Such is the way of life."
The young Hyuuga just couldn't wrap her head around that one. And what the hell was a manga?
The boy in question regarded her passively.
"You bet your sweet Aspercreme."
Must...maintain...composure...must not allow words to enter inner recesses of brain...
With that, Hinata backed away slowly, and sped on through the busy streets in pursuit of at least one sane person.
(Yeah, like I'm gonna let that happen.)
Eventually, the poor girl was able to break away from the hustle and bustle of the city streets. In its place rested a scenic beach right on the ocean, accentuated by a cool, crisp sea breeze.
Now, the real mystery wasn't how a landlocked village had both a beach and an ocean to boot, but rather why Rock Lee was repeatedly punching her cousin in the back of the head.
"Neji-san, look behind you!"
Lee drove a fist into Neji's first thoracic vertebrae.
"GAH! Dammit Lee! What the hell!"
The Taijutsu master was overcome with an abashed look.
"I…I am sorry, Neji-san. It will not happen again, I give you my heartfelt- hey! Tenten in a bikini!"
"Seriously? Holy crap! Where!"
If that were not enough, the sand siblings had come to visit Konaha, and two of them were playing in the…well, you know. Gaara happened to be making sandcastles.
"C'mere mister crab! You can be king! Aren't you just the cutest little king? Aren't you? Yes you are! Yessh you aww! Huggles! Tee-hee!"
Oddly enough, Gaara's laughter was not unlike the tortured, abysmal cries of unjustly murdered orphans.
But in a good way.
Nevertheless, it was Kankuro trying to make a G.I. Joe manhandle Barbie that really pushed things over the edge.
"Hey babe. Wanna see my cobra?"
"Oh, take me you true American hero! Take me now!"
To top it off, Shikamaru was using Shadow Bind no jutsu to practice synchronized swimming with the female of the trio.
"Isn't this fun, Temari? We'll win the competition for sure!"
(Gasp) "Dammit Shikamaru-kun! You're going to drown us both!"
"Heh, I know for a fact you can hold your breath much longer than that…"
"What? You held your breath for two whole minutes last time we went pearl diving, remember?"
"Plus, last night when you-"
Prancing around the bickering pair were Ino and Choji, apparently trying to master the art of water walking. The blond kunoichi was holding her own, but Choji was just amazing! He wasn't sinking an inch!
"Wow Choji-kun! You're really good at this! I can't even sense you using any chakra!"
A red glow abruptly engulfed the large boy's face.
Ino simply cast him a puzzled look.
"Umm…then how are…?"
A slight twitch attacked the food-nin's features as he rubbed his belly.
" …Maybe I should go on that diet after all…"
To say the least, Hinata's brain was quickly approaching the point of critical meltdown. Unfortunately, she happened to catch a glimpse of Sasuke and Itachi sitting on an outcropping of rocks, having a heart-to-heart moment.
"Sooooo…I murdered our entire family."
Itachi cast a forlorn glance out towards the rolling waves.
"Yeah…they really suffered horribly."
"Well, actually, I guess it might have been 'cause of the torture, but…you know."
Itachi clapped Sasuke on the back.
"Oh! Ha! Did I mention they pleaded endlessly for mercy? It was hilarious! They were all like 'No, Itachi! For the love of everything sacred and pure, we're you're family! Please don't kill us!' and I was all like 'Suck it' and went completely ape shit insane on their asses! Man, those were the days...you should've been there."
Afraid he was losing this one chance to reach out to his little brother, the Akatsuki member leaned over to pull his sibling into an affectionate squeeze.
Sasuke whipped out a kunai and stabbed Itachi in the face.
"That's what you get for being a team killing fuck-tard!"
Undeterred, Itachi cast a vice-like bear hug upon the Uchiha prodigy.
"Why won't you just love me!" (Sob)
"I hate your soul!"
"That's just the emo talking! I know you really care!"
"You go to Hell! You go to Hell and you die!"
This was just about too much for poor Hinata, and the young woman began to question the wisdom of why she had even bothered to get up in the morning. Ye gods! What had the world come to when everyone and everything had completely lost any practical meaning! It just didn't make sense! Why was this even happening? What had she done that would possibly warrant such a-
Truth be told, it was just one of those days, and the small Hyuuga heiress was taken completely off guard when a gigantic clam struck her right in the head.
"Sorry! Could we have that back?"
Still rubbing her temple, Hinata shakily bent down to retrieve the large crustacean.
Which actually turned out to be a human scapula.
"OH MY GOD!"
Just at that moment, a beaming Kimimaro ran up and plucked the bone plate out of her hands.
"Heh heh, yeah, I get that a lot."
Without further adieu, the homemade Frisbee found itself sailing back towards Mizuki and Iruka. Both were giggling like schoolgirls as they romped and frolicked in matching pink Speedos embroidered with the Leaf insignia atop their naughty bits.
Just before the Hyuuga maiden entered the first stages of a complete mental breakdown, it occurred to the petite girl that she still might have a chance of making at least some sense out of this mess.
Surely, if anyone could keep a level head in a situation like this, it would be her!
As the young girl raced off in search of her mentor, an impish grin suddenly crept across her lips. Despite all the insanity and general anarchy that had thus far made up her day, some lines of thought about a certain foxy boy just wouldn't die so easily. Not to mention the added bonus of a few helpful hints from a certain well-endowed someone.
In fact, you might even say Hinata had kept herself 'abreast' of the situation.
I am so stuffing Ramen down my shirt the next time I see Naruto-kun!
I don't have a clue as to what possessed me to write this, but I hope you liked it anyway!
I seriously can't tell if this is funny, or if the undercooked hamburger from yesterday finally caught up with me.
So, yeah, should I continue this? There's still a whole lot of ninja's I haven't covered yet. Anyway, I'll let you decide.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, my favorite part was with Shino, but that's just me. LoL
Don't forget to review! I'll be REAL interested to see what people think of this one...