Okay, so maybe I'm so bored that I'm even updating stories that usually don't get updated until after a two-week period. Sue me.

If you don't believe that this is based in the 1980s', then whatever. It can be based in the 2020s' in your imagination for all I care, just as long as you like this story.


Nine in the Afternoon

"Hi Jiraiya!"

"Why the FUCK did you give that creep my address?"

Tsunade looked taken aback, a hand covering her mouth in surprise. "You mean…you didn't give him your address?" she asked, shocked.

I blinked. "Huh?" I replied stupidly. "What the hell are you talking about? He told me you gave him my address." But wait, he could be a stalker for all I know… "Unless…"

"Shut up, idiot." Orochimaru said blandly, materializing out of thin air. "It's called the school directory. Apparently it knows where you sleep at night."

My eye twitched. "I need an alarm of some sort for every time you show up." I muttered, scratching my lightly stubble-brushed chin grouchily.

Tsunade looked at him. "Orochimaru, you told me you knew his address already!" she said accusingly. "Why would you tell him I told you?"

"Because I did know his address already and he would think I was creepy and try and punch me. He's quite predictable."

I scowled. I'm right here, jerk.

I'm going to kick this creep's ass.

"So?" I snapped, roughly poking Orochimaru in the chest. "I still think you're creepy and I'm still going to punch you!" I'm not kidding. Although, I vaguely remember an experience where I tried to attack him and lost.

I'm sure it was my imagination.

"I'd like to see you try." The snake-eyed bastard replied in a bored tone, crossing his black-sleeved arms.

I looked at him for a moment. "Damn, did you know you look good in a turtleneck?" I asked without really thinking. Then I smacked my hand over my mouth in horror, blinking furiously.

Orochimaru cocked an eyebrow. "…Right," he replied slowly. "Well, if you aren't going to follow up with your weak threat, I'll be going now. "

I blushed, scowling. "Hell no! You're going down right here!" I growled, cracking my knuckles.

Tsunade rolled her eyes. "Look guys, I don't think—"

"Shhh!" Sakumo shushed, grinning. "Jiraiya's about to get his ass kicked! And I love a good utterly one-sided fight, don't you?"

I twitched. Their faith was suffocating.

The black-haired teenager in front of me blew an especially long bang of hair out of his face. He didn't look entertained, or even interested.

I hate it when he looks down on me like that. So I threw a punch at his face, but he caught it in a palm easily.

I cocked my head in question. What the hell was he playing at, trying to actually fight back? I called punch! He fucking deserves it!

"You must be kidding me," he said, a thin eyebrow raised. The bastard jerked my fist back, making me fall forward.

"Shit!" I cursed, hitting the ground. I heard him scoff above me, and saw his feet prepare to move away.

"I told you it was really one-sided." Sakumo said jokingly.

I scowled and shot out my arm, grabbing Orochimaru's ankle roughly. I pulled it towards me and made him fall on the ground suddenly, and his face was ridiculously amusing.

I stood up, grinning. "Just because you look like a girl doesn't mean I've gotta treat you like one." I said, brushing the dust off my knees.

He kicked out underneath my legs.

I fell again.

"Don't get cocky, idiot." Orochimaru hissed, standing up.

I huffed, rolling my eyes. "You should've just let me punch you, and then we wouldn't be in this predicament." I stood up as well, cracking my neck which had gotten a little crick during the fall.

"What kind of moron let's someone just punch them?" he sniffed. "Uncultured barbarian."

"Stuck-up prick!"

"Sexist pig."

"Feminine Joanie!"

"Slow-reacting junkie."

"Creepy crackpot!"

Tsunade groaned. "Jesus Christ, will both of you just shut up?"

We shut up, glaring at each other.

"You're acting gayer than fruitcake!" Sakumo said, shaking his head in shame. "If you're going to have a bitch fight, at least wait until afterschool. The bell's about to ring."

I opened my mouth to tell him off about the whole gay thing, but then the bell rang loudly.

Orochimaru shouldered past me, sniffing in offense.

I should be offended, if anything.

The jerk.


"I don't feel like participating."

Tazuna's eye twitched. "Why not, Girly One?" he asked slowly.

"When you call me something besides my name, I hate sports even more."

"Okay then, why the hell don't you want to play basketball, Manda?"

Orochimaru smiled. "I hate basketball. It's utterly unexciting."

"What?!" Tazuna roared, slamming the ball on the ground so hard that it bounced right back up and into the bastard's arms. I snickered from the sidelines, leaning on the bleachers.

The gym teacher looked at me. "Jiraiya!" he snapped. "Convince your girly friend here to play basketball! I'll give you an 'A' if you do!"

"Why do you care so much?" I asked, scratching my head in boredom.

The man huffed. "I hate his rebellious attitude. He hasn't joined in on a sport yet, and the school year's going to be over in a few weeks! This needs to be done, or my title as a gym teacher means nothing!"

If that isn't bullshit, I don't know what is.

Orochimaru and I blinked as the man walked, or stomped, away, pretty much confused.

I turned to the black-haired bastard. "Play basketball." I commanded, and turned back around.


I turned around again in exasperation. "Why not?" I asked, annoyed.

"Like I said, I hate basketball."

"And I hate you, but look at me!" I yawned. "C'mon, just get one ball in the damn basket and then leave. Is that so hard?"

"I don't want anything to do with basketball. You aren't even vaguely convincing me to want to play."

I glared. I really need that 'A'.

"Okay…" I mused aloud. "How about this? If you play basketball today, and win…you get one free favor from me. It can be anything that doesn't involve my virginity."

He gave me a weird look. "You're still a virgin?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

I smacked myself on the forehead. I had that coming. "Not the point, bastard!" I growled quietly, leaning closer to him. "Are you going to play or what?"

"This favor can be anything right?"

Jesus. I do not like the sound of this. "Uh, yeah. No sex, fag!"

"Wouldn't even dream of it."

I grinned, holding out my hand. "Remember, you've got to win." I said sleazily. I could make a great con-artist.

Orochimaru smirked back, grabbing my hand. "No problem."

We'll see girly-man. We'll see.


I don't think I'll ever need to see proof of Orochimaru's overwhelmingly convenient skills again.

Not only is he an academic genius, but he's also a sports ninja?

Life is overwhelmingly unfair.

Which is exactly why I'm happily avoiding Orochimaru (see: favor) as much as possible.

"Jiraiya…" Minato began slowly. "Are you aware that you're hiding underneath my desk? School's kind of over."

I chuckled. "Oh Minato, don't you understand the dynamics of teenagers and how they tick? Aren't you sixteen as well?"

The blond gave me an amused look. "Jiraiya…I'm twelve."

I blinked.

Fuck the what now?

"What?!" I roared, practically flying from underneath his desk. "Why'd you never tell me you were ridiculously smart to the point where you're only a grade under me despite being way younger?!"

"I don't know…I just thought you knew."

My eye twitched. "Well now I do!" I grumbled, sitting on top of his desk in anger. "Damn it kid, I thought you looked a little young! Now I know you're not girly, like Orochimaru. You just haven't hit puberty."


"No problem."

"Idiot, what are you doing in here and being so loud?"

I paused, looking around slowly. "Oh…Orochimaru." I squeaked. "Uh, fancy bumping into you here."

Orochimaru scoffed. "Don't try me, Jiraiya," he replied. "I already know that you're trying to avoid me."

I laughed nervously. "Now where'd you get a silly idea like that?" I asked with a grin.

"Maybe from the fact that you're trying to climb out the window while I'm staring right at you?"

I looked down. "How the hell did I get here?" I asked incredulously. Then I shrugged. "Well, since I've already started, I should finish it, don't ya think?" And I jumped out the first-floor window, running like a marathon was on my ass.

Orochimaru must've stuck his head through the window. "My favor is five more favors!" he yelled after me, making me trip over a misplaced blade of grass on the school's damned lawn.

I groaned.

I guess I deserved this.


When I got home, after suffering a few suspicious looks and more than a few accusing questions from my mangy old neighbor, I immediately locked the door.

There's no telling where the creep might be.

So I went about with my normal afternoon/evening.

I eat, watch TV, eat some more, press weights, watch TV again, write, consider doing homework, don't do the homework in favor of watching more TV, shower, and then I sleep.

Somewhere between considering doing homework (it's almost the end of the year, jerks! Give me a fucking break!) and not doing the homework, there was a knock at my door.

I checked the clock. 8:51.

Only Girls Scouts were so damn bold.

I slowly crept to the door quietly and threw it open. "Rawr!" I crowed, making a scary face while curling my fingers like claws. "I eat children!"

I opened one eye.

Orochimaru stared at me.

I slowly brought my arms down, sobering my face.

He still stared.

I coughed into my hand.

He kept staring.

"Err…" I said, embarrassed.

He shook his head, bringing himself out of whatever trance he was in. "Right…" he replied, crossing his arms.

I moved out the way. "Are you coming in or what?" I hissed, not wanting to continue standing around like an idiot.

"Sure, it's not like you're going to eat me or anything." I scowled. There's this feeling in me that he won't be letting that go for a while.

He walked in with an air that better fitted an overconfident queen.

I don't think I'm too far off the mark.

"So…" I started, closing the door and locking it. "What's up?"

"I'm staying the night."



"The hell?" I replied disbelievingly. "What are you talking about? I never invited you—"


Damn you Tazuna. Damn you to hell!

"Consider it a favor." Orochimaru said smugly.

I sputtered. "But…but…why?" I whined, controlling the urge to stomp my foot on the ground.

"I obviously want to."

I rolled my eyes, passionately. What an Orochimaru-like response, which is ironic, considering how I'm talking with Orochimaru right now.

When'd I start getting all smart-assed with myself?

Oh, when I met Orochimaru. Right.

"What're the chances of you going away?"

"Very low. As much of a chance of a Girl Scout coming to your door at nine in the afternoon."

That got a smile outta me. "I wasn't too far off." I teased. He sniffed, insulted, and elbowed me roughly in the stomach. I feel to my knees, gasping. "Jesus! It was only a joke!"

"I'm going to take a shower."

Was this guy obnoxious or what?

"Hold on!" I commanded, getting off the ground shakily. "Just, let me get one thing clear!"

He looked back at me. "What?"

I grinned. "If you spend the night tonight, you can't make anymore 'I want more favors' favors." I said. "You've got to take what you can get, man. That's how life works."

Orochimaru looked pensive.

I can't believe I'm hoping he spends the night.

"Whatever." He walked into the bathroom.

I smiled, leaning against my couch, shaking my head.

"That guy…" I muttered fondly. "He'"

Then I heard the water from the shower.

Oh shit.

I blinked. "Wait!" I yelled, scrambling towards the bathroom. "Don't use up all the hot water! I've got a really limited amount!"

"What was that?" he called back over the spray of the water. I saw wisps of steam coming out from under the door.

I hit my forehead on the bathroom door repeatedly.

I can't believe I wanted him to spend the night.


A good twenty minutes later, the door finally opened.

I was hit face-first with a bona-fide wave of steam.

My right eyebrow ticked.

"Why'd you get out?" I asked carefully, my arms twitching in PUNCHING action.

Orochimaru looked at me, wearing nothing but a towel, with his hair still wet and sleek and shiny and…and…and…guh.


He'd make a very good woman. Or else I'm gay.

Let's…go with the former.

"The water got cold," he answered quite simply.

I had a feeling that was the reason.

I groaned, slowly taking off my shirt and stepping into the bathroom. Maybe I can get an actual hot shower by standing in this temporary hot spa.

"You are quite muscular." The bastard commented as I threw my shirt in the hamper a few feet away.

I shrugged. "Yeah, and you're really scrawny. How the hell did you thoroughly kick the asses of all those guys in basketball?" I demanded, hands on my hips.

"How does a mouse win against a lion?" he retorted.

I was confused. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

He looked at me for a long moment.

"Just…shut up. Go take your cold shower."

"Fine!" I snapped back, slamming the door shut.

I hate cold showers.


"Why are we sleeping in the same bed?" I whispered to Orochimaru, who just rolled his golden glow-in-the-dark eyes.

"Because I don't want to sleep on that thing you call a couch and you don't feel like getting fleas from it either."

"Does your sleeping over include insulting my furniture?"

"Apparently it does. Shut up and go to sleep."

I huffed and stared at my bare ceiling. How the hell did he manage to get this far in my life?

Better yet, why the hell did I let him?

"Hey…" I whispered again. "Orochimaru?"

"No, there will not be flying cars in the nineties."

"I'm not talking about that!" I snapped quietly. "And there totally will be! You'll see, bastard!"

"What did you want?"

Oh. Right. "I don't feel like going to twelfth grade. Just thought you should know." I said, shrugging.

He smacked me.

"Shut up with your bullshit," he grumbled, wrapping the covering more around himself. "If you didn't go, I'd probably kill you."

My eyebrows furrowed as I smiled. "Thanks."

"Whatever. Go to sleep." He closed his eyes and went to sleep first.

"Bastard…" I muttered, preparing myself for sleep as well.

"Hmm…" Orochimaru breathed on my neck, making a blush spread all the way down to my collar.

I moved closer to the wall, letting him take all the cover he wanted.

"He'd kill me, huh?" I mused aloud as I closed my eyes.

It really was nice to know he cared.


My favorite chapter is this one. It made me feel nice inside after I finished writing it.

Orochimaru is not going into the gay thing as well as I'd like him to, and Jiraiya is getting more bi-faggot as the chapters go.

I finally know how I'm going to end this fic! Thank you GOD. Now all I have to do is work towards that goal.

The name of this chapter title is from this BULLSHIT Panic at the Disco CD I got in exchange for 30 Seconds to Mars.

I want my 30 Seconds to Mars back. This Panic is some shit. I only like one song on the entire thing (Nine in the Afternoon), in comparison to the Panic! At the Disco that I've had for years and I love every single track with a passion unknown. I miss the exclamation mark. I hate Panic at the Disco. Fuck them with a lead pipe upside down in the Amazon on a monkey.

/end rant. Sorry about that.