Title: If This is Really Your Greatest Rival You Clearly Do Not Deserve Any Pie
Universe: Bleach/One Piece
Theme/Topic: Zoro and Sanji meet Ichigo
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: Zoro, Usopp, Sanji, Ichigo, Kenpachi, Rukia
Warnings/Spoilers: Just for the stupid, I'd imagine.
Word Count: 1,403
Summary: Follow-up of sorts to "A Day (Or Two) in the Afterlife"- Ichigo gets roped into the greatest rivalry of all time.
Dedication: tokkichan's request from a billion years ago. I finished this um, quite a while earlier but I hated it too much to post. However, I feel guilty now, for having everyone wait so long, so I am just going to try and finish the last of the animanga requests I got from the previous round of requests and go from there. SORRY THIS IS NO GOOD.
A/N: Not funny, not funny, not funny. OOC. LOTS OF OOC. Just pretend it is crack parody or something. I dunno.
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish constantly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.

It's a day like any other in the fourteenth division headquarters—Sanji is cutting vegetables in preparation for dinner and Usopp has been forced into slave labor dishwashing by his tyrannical vice-captain while Zoro and Kenpachi are facing off against one another in the dining hall (but have to mind the new crystal light fixtures while they're at it, because Sanji just had them put in two days ago and has warned the two captains fair and square that if they break anything they will pay for it in ways that involve wearing frilly aprons and calling the other shinigami "master" while they take their orders during the dinnertime rush).

That said, Zoro and Zaraki are being very careful about how they cross blades.

Such is the atmosphere of Soul Society's dining hall when Ichigo and Rukia arrive outside its doors, Rukia dragging the orange-headed shinigami there by his wrist in search of pie.

"It's really good now!" she assures him. "You have to try it before you go."

"I don't care if it's good or not! This is where Zaraki hangs out, isn't it?!" Ichigo shrieks, and tries to pull out of her grip frantically. "I'll eat when I get home. Woman, let me go!"

Rukia ignores him— he clearly does not understand how delicious this pie is— and pushes into the cafeteria doors.

Which— incidentally— makes them just in time to catch the fourteenth division captain as he goes skidding across the floor after he is struck hard across the jaw. Even still, he manages to land on his feet somehow, crouched and glaring at his opponent. There is blood dribbling down his chin from the wound inside his mouth.

Zoro grins darkly at Zaraki and boosts his reiatsu. "That all you…"

But Zaraki suddenly isn't paying attention to him anymore; he's turned towards the doorway and his one eye gets huge.

"ICHIGO!" he says, and smiles manically.

"Shit," Ichigo murmurs, and tries to turn around and walk out again like he hadn't heard Zaraki call his name just now.

But Rukia is still holding his arm; she very calmly asks Kenpachi about whether there is still pie left.

Zoro blinks when Zaraki breezes right past him towards the newcomers.

"Think there's still some left if you hurry, Kuchiki. Ichigo, let's fight," Zaraki suggests, and forget the fact that there are three really deep scratches across the eleventh division captain's chest that Zoro had put there just now, apparently Kenpachi has found himself a bigger challenge.

"Oi," Zoro growls, and stands and crosses his arms. "What the fuck?"

Zaraki looks back at him as if just remembering that they'd been fighting. "Aw, you jealous, baby?" He grins.

Zoro snorts. "If you're going to waste my time like this you might as well leave now."

"No it's fine, I'll leave," Ichigo suggests. "Sorry to interrupt. Please continue what you were doing."

Kenpachi grins and smacks the kid hard on the back once. "This is Ichigo," Zaraki tells Zoro. In the meantime, Ichigo is still trying to run the other way. He continues to fail miserably because Kuchiki has that iron grip of hers on his wrist.

"No I'm not!" Ichigo says, "Ichigo is not here. You're dreaming. WOMAN LET GO OF ME."

"I want pie," Rukia tells him. "We're getting pie first."

Zoro blinks when he hears the name and can't believe what he is seeing. "Ichigo?" he murmurs, arching a brow as he studies the teen. "Wait, that's the last guy who kicked your ass?" he barks at Kenpachi, and nearly falls over laughing at the other captain when he figures it out.

Kenpachi frowns indignantly. "This guy is strong!" he assures Zoro. "Even if he looks like a complete pansy."

"Sure he's strong. We're officially not rivals anymore," Zoro shoots back, and sheathes his katana. "Because now I'm embarrassed for you."

"Oi, he is strong!" Kenpachi insists, and to prove it, grabs Ichigo by the collar of his uniform and picks him up. Rukia obligingly releases the orange-haired shinigami to Zaraki's care and heads to the back to ask Sanji for pie.

"Do you want anything, Ichigo?" she asks over her shoulder, out of courtesy.

"MY FREEDOM?" Ichigo shouts after her as his legs dangle helplessly in the air.

"I'll bring you blueberry. That one's good," she says, and disappears into the kitchen.

"I HATE YOU," Ichigo feels the need to tell her, before slapping lamely at Kenpachi's big fist where it is bunched in his gi. "Let me go, I don't want to fight you."

"Sounds like he's a pansy to me," Zoro snorts.

"Shut up for a second," Zaraki growls to the former pirate, and then turns back to Ichigo. "Oi, Ichigo. Show this guy you're strong, okay?" He shakes Ichigo a little bit. "Otherwise he's gonna think we're both wimps."

"I am not here to fight!" Ichigo protests. "I'm not even here to eat!"

Kenpachi frowns when he hears this and shakes the teenager a little bit more; like Ichigo is a broken toy and this act of semi-violence will fix him somehow. As it turns out, Zaraki has the bad habit of doing this with all of his complicated electronics too. That's why the twelfth division doesn't let him have any nice things anymore.

"O-oi! Stop that!" Ichigo protests, and starts to look more and more green the more he is shaken.

Zoro remains unimpressed.

"Wow, Zaraki," he sneers after a moment, "I think I know why you like the aho-chef's fruity-fruity choco cake so much now."

"You shut the hell up, that cake is fucking delicious," Zaraki snarls.

"It must be because your so-called greatest opponent looks like a piece of fruity-fruity choco cake himself."

"That's it!" Zaraki growls, and then promptly tosses Ichigo at Zoro. "You better make this good, brat!"

"What the hell does this have to do with me?!" Ichigo shouts, and ends up landing on the floor head-first. He rolls a few feet, and then skids to an abrupt stop by the toe of Zoro's boot.

The former pirate looks down at the kid critically. Toes him with his boot a little.

"Stop that," Ichigo hisses, and struggles to his feet. "You're both crazy."

"Fight hard!" Zaraki encourages him.

Ichigo whirls around indignantly, and does it so quickly that Zoro has to jump backwards a bit to avoid being hit in the face with an elbow. "I TOLD YOU! I…"

The rest of his words are cut off because Zoro steps forward and promptly punches him in the face. Hard.

Ichigo drops like a sack of potatoes.

"Weak," Zoro confirms, and shakes his fist out a little bit.

"Oh c'mon!" Zaraki whines, "he wasn't ready!"

"He took the first swipe at me!" Zoro protests. "He was totally ready."

"Like hell! Do over! Do over!"

"With what? He's completely gone!"

Not quite though, because suddenly there is a groan from the ground. "Fuck…what the hell is wrong with you?" Ichigo growls dizzily, and somehow manages to stagger to his feet.

There's an accompanying surge of reiatsu as the kid struggles to find his balance, and Zoro blinks a little when he feels it. He admits to himself that maybe there's hope for this kid after all.

But then Ichigo staggers into the wall.

And then it's like slow motion from there—Kenpachi and Zoro both look on in horror as Ichigo reaches out for something to brace himself against until he can regain his bearings.

He ends up grabbing hold of one of the brand new light fixtures on the wall.

And promptly shatters it in his hand.

"Unngh," Ichigo groans.

"Fuck," Zoro and Kenpachi both say.

Later that night, as he is balancing plates on a serving tray while wearing a very fitting green-and-white checkered apron with frills, Zoro turns to Zaraki and growls, "I'm not fighting you again until you can beat that twerp. This is fucking embarrassing."

Zaraki—in yellow with a baby duck print pattern— just glares back. "Well if you hadn'ta sucker punched him we wouldn't be in this mess!"

Ichigo—wearing bright pink with beaded ribbons— holds his own serving tray and screams, "Why am I even involved in this in the first place?!"

Sanji just sits on the side and eyes his three indentured servants critically. "Shut up and get back to work," he tells them. "The customers are waiting."

Rukia blissfully enjoys her pie.