The Wizard of LGM
Disclaimer: The LGM aren't mine. They belong to Chris Charter, 1013 and Fox.
There is no season nine, there is no season nine, there is no season nine...
Lone Gunmen Lair
"Jimmy, what the hell are you doing?" Langly inquired, after the Lone Gunmen's youngest companion had hid his face behind a sofa cushion.
"Just watching a movie." Jimmy muttered.
"What movie?" Frohike asked.
Jimmy mumbled under his breath.
"Huh?" Byers's forehead wrinkled.
"The Wizard of Oz, okay?" Jimmy smoothed his hair back. "It was on TV and..."
"So why the hell are you scared?" Frohike asked.
"Tellitubbies are scarier than that movie." Langly added, thinking of their recent headline.
"The witch was on screen and-"
"Awww, Jimmy's scared of the witch!" Langly teased. Jimmy frowned.
"LOT'S of people find her frightening."
"Like who?" Frohike snorted.
"Seventy-eight percent of Americans, that's who." Jimmy said smugly. "I read it in a magazine."
"Whatever." Byers sighed. "We're going to bed."
"Yeah. G'night Jimmy." Frohike yawned.
"Don't let the witches bite!" Langly smirked.
"In the words of Frohike: Shut up, punk!" Jimmy growled. Langly went to his room muttering.
"...Call me a punk...I'm older than HE is...Scared of a witch...to easy NOT to make fun of..."
Jimmy just smirked and went back to his movie.
Byers lay awake for an hour. He just couldn't get what Jimmy said out of his mind.
"Get a hold of yourself. There's no such thing as witches. Their just modern societies symbol of the terrors of the unknown." He stated firmly. Suddenly a loud cackle emanated from the TV in the living room. Byers sighed.
"Damnit Jimmy, turn that mess down!" Frohike yelled. A cackle could be heard from the living room.
"Sorry." Jimmy called back.
'Now I'll never get to sleep.' Frohike thought irritably.
"Seventy-eight percent of Americans my ass." Langly muttered and fell asleep.
"Oh man..." Jimmy moaned, out of his usually happy-go-lucky demeanor.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The witch screamed with evil glee.
"I'm going to bed." Jimmy scrambled up, and switched the TV off. First though, he checked and made sure the doors were locked.
"I really shouldn't watch that movie unless the guys are up." He burrowed under the covers, trying to ignore the howling wind in the distance.
"Huh?" Jimmy scrambled up. "What the?"
A huge tremor went through the Lone Gunmen lair.
"What the heck was that?" Jimmy looked around, very confused. Something was either wrong with his vision...Or everything had lost its color. The room seemed to be all in shades of gray and brown. Very cautiously, he got up and made his way down the hall.
"Byers, do you know what...Byers?" Jimmy stopped and stared at the empty room
"I didn't hear him leave..." Jimmy trekked to Frohike's room. "Hey Frohike..." He wasn't there either.
"What's going on?" Jimmy wondered aloud. The lack of Gunman was making him nervous.
"Langly?" He tried the Blonde's room, but he was gone too.
"What happened in here?" Jimmy said loudly. The living room was trashed.
"It looks like a tornado hit!" Jimmy marveled. Suddenly something moved behind a pile of papers.
"Huh?" He leaned down to investigate. A small black cat jumped from the papers, onto the couch. "Where did you come from?" He murmured. He saw a small collar, with a tag around the cat's neck. The collar was black too, so He hadn't seen it right away.
"Yves." Jimmy read. There was an address too, but it was smudged out. "NO WAY. Yves? Is that you?"
'In the Flesh. Well, the fur.' Yves voice said in his mind.
"How are you talking to me?" Jimmy's brow furrowed. The cat shrugged.
'Telepathically, I guess.'
"Oh. And, why are you a cat!" Jimmy asked.
'No idea. I just woke up like this. And I woke up in here!' Yves voice rose. 'Where are the Three Stooges?'
"Um, I dunno. They were gone when I woke up."
'You went to sleep in that?' Yves marveled. Jimmy then realized he was wearing VERY strange clothes.
"Overalls?" Jimmy thought aloud. "I look like a farmhand!" Brown scuffed shoes, and white cotton shirt completed the ensemble.
'Well, let's go outside, and see if we can find them.'
"Man, I hope they're okay." Jimmy moaned. The conspicuous pair carefully neared the door.
'Is it just me, or are things less colorful around here than usual?'
"It's not just you. Ya know, this reminds me of something..." Jimmy trailed off when he opened the door. Blazing light filled with color momentarily blinded him.
"What the heck?" He murmured. Then everything cleared. Even Jimmy couldn't miss the identicallity. It was Munchkin land from the Wizard of Oz. Gingerbread-style houses filled the small village square, surrounded by exotic flowers. Jimmy wandered outside, dazzled.
"Yves, I don't think we're in Washington DC anymore." He mumbled.
'What was your first clue?' Yves rolled her eyes.
"The good Witch." Jimmy whispered. A large pink bubble was floating towards them. Suddenly, it dissolved into...
"Agent Scully!" Jimmy yelped. The lovely agent looked taken aback.
"Jimmy?" Her forehead wrinkled. The two had met at the Gunmen's new year eve party. Only, then she'd been wearing a tee-shirt and jeans, not a fairy-princess pink dress with a matching crown.
"Uhh, yeah it's me. But are you...I mean..."
'A witch?' Yves finished. 'Honestly, I didn't see that one coming-'
"Oh stuff it Yves." Scully said bitterly. "You have it worse than I do. I'M still human."
'That's debatable.' Yves commented dryly.
"How come you're here? And, are we where I think we are?" Jimmy inquired.
"I guess someone had to fill in for Glinda. And yes, we are in the land of LGM."
"Isn't that supposed to be Oz?" Jimmy was getting more confused by the second.
Scully shrugged. "Hey, it's your subconscious."
'Isn't someone supposed to be dead?' Yves interrupted.
"Someone is." Scully motioned to the Lone Gunmen Lair. A pair of legs, ending in Red sneakers, was protruding from beneath it.
"Jimmy, you really did a number on him." Scully marveled.
"I-I killed someone!" Jimmy gasped.
"Don't worry, he was really evil." Scully reassured him.
"He? Who-Oh no, you don't mean Frohike do you? I mean he hit on you and all but he was a little punch drunk-"
"No Jimmy. I have an idea here Frohike is." Scully smiled a little. "Those legs belong to Maniac Marvin."
"That guy we reported on? Oh man!" Jimmy moaned.
'The one who prosecuted Charlie Muckel.' Yves remembered.
"Yes. Now if we can skip the singing-"
'Please.' Yves said.
"-And go strait to the-"
"Villain?" A voice cackled. Out of nowhere, Morris Fletcher appeared in a cloud of red smoke, swirling a martini in his hand.
"The Wicked witch of the west?" Jimmy asked in a timid voice.
"Well, YOU aren't the one looking for a brain!" Fletcher cackled. Jimmy cringed.
"I thought the MIB's killed you." Jimmy said, slightly frightened. Fletched suddenly seemed a lot more menacing.
Fletcher cackled. "In this universe, I can NEVER die. You might though-"
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Scully reminded him.
"Ahh, yes, the ruby-red sneakers!" Fletcher screeched. He walked over to the LGM Lair, but just as he got there, the shoes faded away, leaving a shriveling pair of legs.
"They're gone! What did you do with them?" Fletcher spun around, accusing Scully.
"It's to late, Mister MIB. There they are, and there they'll stay." Scully smiled knowingly, and pointed to Jimmy's feet.
"Oh man, cool!" Jimmy eyes widened. His brown shoes had vanished, and in their place were the ruby-red sneakers. Fletcher eyes narrowed.
"Give them back to me." He hissed. "Their no use to you. Your to dumb to use them."
"Don't do it." Scully advised. "They must be very important if he wants them so badly."
"Hey! No fair giving him advice!" Fletcher whined. "You give them back to me, or I'll-"
"You'll what?" Scully said, raising her eyebrow. "Everyone knows you have no power here. Now leave, before someone drops a top-secret facility on you!" On cue, Fletcher looked into the sky. Sighing disgustedly, he turned to Jimmy.
"Fine. But you just TRY and get away from me. Just try. I'll get you, my...Hmm, I can't really call him pretty can I?" He mused. "Ah well, I'll get you, my brainless one, and your little cat too! AHAHA-" In mid-cackle Fletcher began to choke. Finally clearing his throat he managed: "How did that old broad DO this?" And vanished in a cloud of red fire.
'That went well.' Yves said dryly.
"Man, I've only been here five minutes, and I have a witch after me!" Jimmy moaned.
"Well, that's how the story goes." Scully reminded him. "Now, if you'll start on your merry journey down the yellow brick road, I can get back to my apartment." She sighed, turned back into a pink bubble, and floated off.
"Uh sure. C'mon Yves." Jimmy bent down to pick her up.
'You touch me, and I'll kill you.' She hissed and arched her back.
"Point taken." Jimmy backed up.
End of Part one.