Disclaimer- I own nothing associated or affiliated with Twilight. These are the property of Stephenie Meyer and no copyright or offense is intended. You can't sue me for the inner-worst workings of my mind. Honest.

I do NOT endorse that book "He's Just Not That Into You." I just like to make a mockery of it. I work in a bookstore and the amount of gormless bimbos who come in wanting it makes me want to beat them over the head with it. Hard.

And I like Volvos! So nah!

Definition- Mental State. Chapter Two- Angst

Mike Newton is pathetic. Not because he and Edward have this stupid rivalry going on (honestly, am I the only one who sees how fickle it is for an immortal to be having pissing contests with a human over another human?) but because he just irks me. He's always walking around with this perpetual rain cloud over his head nowadays and he won't even try to put up a fucking umbrella. She's just not that into you dude, get over it. Stop moping. Shag something. Stop fucking making me want to set myself on fire every time you walk past me. There are Goths in this town who smile more than you!

I shake my head as you walk by, looking forlornly over your shoulder at Bella as she comes out of class behind you. She doesn't talk to you anymore, not since Edward told her what you think when you look at her. And people call me a pervert.

"You are a pervert." Edward and Bella are walking alongside me now as we head towards the car park. It's the first time he's spoken to me in a week, ever since that little incident where I sent his hormones into overdrive. Although I suspect that hasn't stopped him from reading my mind. I have the hardest time blocking my thoughts from him, I'm just too damn emotional.

"Why were you glaring at Mike Newton?" Bella is frowning at me as we climb into Edward's car. I wish he'd get something else, Volvo's are so dorky.

"Buy your own then," He snaps at me.

"I don't like to drive."

"Then quit your bitching. Or get out and walk."

"Edward..." I know I'm whining but I don't care. I'm in a self indulgent, pitying mood right now, courtesy of Mike Newton. Thanks a lot, asshole.

Edward smirks at me in the rearview mirror. "Methinks the vampire doth mope too much." Bella giggles. I pout and slump down in my seat. She reaches around and pokes me in the leg. I snap at her, playfully, but Edward still growls warningly at me. Soooo overprotective.

"You didn't answer my question. Mike Newton?"

"Oh, he's just being a whiny little brat. Always moping about with no consideration for other people and their feelings!"

Edward raises his eyebrow and glances at Bella, smirking. "I hate it when people do that, don't you?"

Giggle giggle.

"Oh stop the car, I'm walking. I hate you both!"


I'm walking. In the rain. Not that it bothers me or that I have to, I could zip home in about 2 seconds, but I want to. I'm feeling rather down. Poor me. I know I look like crap too, what with being completely soaked and trudging along the road like some depressed human. Well, about as crap as it's possible for someone like me to look. But still...

I hope Carlisle drives past on his way home and sees me. I'll make him feel sorry for me and then Edward will get it. Not quite sure what IT is but Esme's always screaming that one day we're really gonna get IT so I'm sure it's not good. Probably some kind of adolescent vampire torture she got from Italy.

Oooh headlights!


Meanwhile...back at The Cullen Household...

"Edward, where is my husband?" Alice walked down the stairs, a slight frown marring her perfect features as she honed in on Edward.

"No idea, " he mumbled, his face buried in Bella's hair as they snuggled together on the couch watching Romeo and Juliet for the zillionth time.

"See, now they can be together for eternity!" Bella has a wistful look in her eyes as the end credits rolled but Edward pulls her back to reality.

"Says who? Maybe someone came in with a doctor at the end and saved one of them."

"I don't think so..."

"Or maybe Romeo is burning somewhere in the fiery pits of hell while Juliet is in heaven?"

"That's awful! And not very romantic."

"Who said death is romantic?


"Have you been speaking to those Goth. kids again?"

"You know, they actually think you're a vampire."

"They what?!"

"Hello! People! My husband is missing here!" Alice planted herself in front of the television and glared at Edward and Bella, hands on hips.

"Well he's not my husband," Edward grumbled.

"Yes, but he was supposed to be coming home with you! Did you have a fight over the car again? Honestly Edward it's really quite an ugly car..."

"Leave my car alone!"

"Well where is my husband?!"

"I don't know!"

"He got all cranky and jumped out on the way home," Bella explained hastily, seeing Alice was about to explode.

"That still doesn't explain where he is!"

"Big deal, he's a big vampire, I'm sure he'll be fine. At least now me and my hormones can have some peace." Alice smacked Edward up the back of the head.

"I had a vision, you twit."

"Of Jasper?"

"No, of Emmett taking a shower." Alice rolled her eyes while Edward shuddered.

"Well, what did you see?"

"I saw Jasper, and he was frightened. And in someone elses clothing."

"Someone elses clothing?" Edward was looking at her incredulously. "You broke up our romantic swooning time to tell us that Jasper's taken up some kind of clothes fetish?"

"Oh I give up!" Alice stomped back up the stairs snarling. When she got to the top she leaned over the bannister and screamed back, "Jasper's right, just shag her already!"

In the kitchen Esme snorted with laughter.


I am sitting in Isabella Swan's living room watching television with her father while wearing his clothes. This is most mortifying.