By My Side (Sam pov)
Summary: Pre-series - Sam thinks about John and Dean. A songfic (INXS 'By My Side), exploring what Sam might possibly be thinking and the angst it causes.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Sam, mentions of John and Dean (gen)
A/N: Wrote this originally as an Angel (fandom) fic about Connor and Angel in 2004, but I had a major re-edit-rehash under the idea that the song could be about Sam Dean John insert name of choice as well.
Spoilers: s'pose the pilot.
Disclaimer I don't own any of the characters or the show ... or the song, 'By My Side', by INXS.

You may also consider it out of character for Sam to have wanted this. I mean he is challenging whether he has made the right decision, but I just thought, 'dang it, he loves them both, of course he wants them in his life' and after a life altering change, it maybe quite reasonable to think that Sam may have had second thoughts or at least asked himself if it was worth it.

spnspnspn

By My Side

'In the dark of night
Those small hours
Uncertain and anxious
I need to call you'

I lay on my crumpled bed, one arm outstretched laying on the cold covers, while my other arm was bent and cupped behind, my head resting there. I close my eyes, sighing, trying not to think of him, the man who calls himself my father. Pushing myself up from the lumpy and uncomfortable mattress I make my way into the small, cold bathroom, stopping in front of the sink. I stare into the mirror, hating what I see.

Should I be out there, in the dark of the night? That's what you told me, but I'm reluctant to leave this new life. Safe and normal, life and opportunity, career and prospects…

Maybe I should visit, check up, call and check in, but again reluctance tugs at my sleeve.

I bend letting water out of the shiny taps, and splash cold water over my face.

'Rooms full of strangers
Some call me friend
But I wish you were so close to me'

I try and shake the feeling that is growing in me, heading back out into the empty room. Pausing at the door, I wonder if I should go out or stay and at least call ... Guilt plays away, deeply inside as I realise my unease at speaking with him, hurts my brother too, but so much time had passed, so many changes had happened, a life forged and laid out before me.

He made it easier, to walk away, strings cut, responsibility and accountability willingly abandoned with those words telling me to stay gone. It still hurt like a bitch, but at the time, my head was held high. And I had left, brother dropping me off at the bus station, a wad of money pushed roughly into my hands, with murmur's of 'he'll come round' and 'don't be a stranger' but as we parted I knew that as much as I angered our father, I had hurt him more.

So much time has passed, so many months and years left unsaid, that there wasn't any going back, so would anyone notice if I just continued to fade away? It would make things so much easier; these feelings pulling me apart.

I step out into the night ... into the dark of night and make my way through the illuminated streets. I keep my eyes open, awareness and caution, within me. Training and experience making me painfully and uncomfortably aware. But my thoughts drift back to those nights when we'd been out here together. Father. Brother. Family.

'In the dark of night
Those small hours
I drift away
When I'm with you'

Were these feelings wrong? How could I want this? It felt like I was betraying myself for wanting this, betraying my promise, betraying my own need for a better, normal, safe life, but I can't help this increasing feeling that when I'm out here, on my own, there's something missing. How can something be so wrong and yet be so right?

'In the dark of night
By my side
In the dark of night
By my side
By my Side
By my side
I wish you were
I wish you were'

I wander along, in and out of alleys, under the glowing, creepy lights that enable creatures to hide in the shadows. I know that they are there and, as my bother had always said, you should never ignore the things in the dark, creatures with masks, monsters of the evil and nature alone.

My mind is there ... nature taking over, but my thoughts, in their jumbled state, are not.

'Here comes the clown
His face is a wall
No window
No air at all

In the dark of night
Those faces they haunt me
But I wish you were so close to me'

I think I see their faces, sometimes during the day or out in the evening, even here, now. I catch glimpses of familiarity amongst crowds, in streets, and corners giving way to empty alleys and dead ends and a blink later they're gone. I say to myself it is simply a mistake, a condition of them being present and fixated in my life for so long.

I can't deny who he is.

I hate myself for even having his blood running through me. I don't want to be anything like that ... but I can't deny who he is, can I?

I can't deny who my family are, who my brother is, who my father is.

'By my side
By my side
I wish you were
I wish you were
By my side

In the dark of night
Those faces they haunt me
I wish you were so close to me'

I face the demons in front of me. Ugly, monstrous, painful. They do not know what they are taking on ... I am my father's son and my brother's brother.

I don't know if I will call, I don't know if I will visit, but for now I think I can say 'Yes I wish you were by my side'. Both of you. Father, brother, family.

The End

Song: By My side, INXS