Okay, you're not imagining this...I'm creating a story that ISN'T a one-shot! I've been prepping for this a while now...actually, I've done a lot of research on--NUH UH I won't tell you, it's a SURPRISE. But, yes, JD has it (duh). And don't even try to guess, because it's not, like, your typical disease. It's not, like, rare or anything--you just never really hear about it. But anyway. I did my research, right on the CDC website. And if you can't trust the CDC for medical crap, who CAN you trust?
So, this story is brought to you by many hours of Fountains of Wayne music and the CDC! At least the government's good for something.
Disclaimer: I don't own Scrubs.
"Hey, what'd you rent?" I asked Turk, jumping onto the couch and kicking my feet up on the table.
He grinned. "Sixteen candles," he said proudly, grabbing the remote and starting the DVD player.
"Aw, I hate that movie," Carla moaned. "It's so overdone."
My mouth fell open. "You…you what?"
"Baby, are you even a real woman?" Turk asked in astonishment.
Carla snorted. "If I'm not, that would mean you've got some serious issues to work out," she reminded him, swatting him callously on the arm.
Ah, but Carla was forgetting Turk's secret weapon.
"Ow, you hurt my diabetes," Turk complained.
Carla gasped. "Oh, you poor baby!" she cried. For a moment my eyes flickered towards her, but I could see the sarcasm contorted on her face. "Stop eating so many cookies and maybe I'll feel a little bit worse for you." Then she smiled sweetly at me. "JD, there are cookies in Rowdy's new 'cage' that'll last you a couple of months."
"Great!" I exclaimed. "Now that I don't have to spend money on cookies…"
JD stands beside a life size cardboard cut out of himself dressed as a Jedi knight. We cut to another scene, and JD is painting the Eiffel Tower with a curly mustache and a froofy doggy in his lap. Another scene change and JD is filming Dr. Acula with a really hot babe playing a nurse who keeps screaming and screaming…
God, that girl needed to shut up! I thought.
"…I can call my mom more often. Bad phone bills, you know? Now I can talk longer." I cleared my throat a little more loudly than I intended to.
"You're phone's broken," Turk pointed out.
"Turn on the movie!" Excellent distraction. I'm the king of awkward situations.
"You know, you really ought to get that fixed," Carla nagged me. "Turk won't let me order any food until he calls you, and if he can't call your cell phone, I starve."
"There are plenty of Toaster Strudels in the freezer," Turk countered.
Carla rolled her eyes. "Like I said. I starve."
Damn it, my distraction failed. Time for Plan B!
"Turn on the movie!" I repeated.
"I'm going to go take a bath," Carla announced in a disinterested voice, yawning for effect.
Turk deflated a bit. "She just doesn't understand," I consoled him.
He shrugged. "I'll go get the cookies," he said, getting up without a second thought. My mouth watered. I'd worked a twelve hour shift today and used three cups of coffee to get through it, leading directly to my late night Sixteen Candles splurge with Turk. I couldn't sleep now if my life depended on it! Coffee fixed everything.
"Hmm…they're kind of dirty," said Turk, popping a cookie in his mouth. "Don't let me have more than three."
I nodded, my mouth already too full of cookie to respond. "Whaddaya bean dirdy?" I asked. I took the opportunity to swallow. "They taste just fine to me."
Turk shuddered. "It's Carla. She's getting in my head, man! Always guilt tripping me about junk food!"
"Damn it, Carla, why do you keep trying to keep your husband alive?" I called into the next room.
"Shut up, Bambi," Carla called back. "But thanks," she added as an afterthought before the bathwater started running.
Turk pouted, handing me the rest of the cookies. "Take them all, I don't care," he said, sounding miffed. "She's always watching."
"I'm scared," I mouthed to Turk.
"You'd better be!"
"Ack!" Turk and I both yelled, leaping up from the couch in alarm.
"Shhhh!" I hushed Turk. "The movie's starting."
Yikes. The next morning I woke up on the couch with silly string all over my face. "Turk!" I yelled into the next room, rubbing my eyes to stay awake. I forgot that coffee had its downsides as well. Stupid coffee…
"Stupid coffee…" Turk moaned.
"Exactly," I agreed, yawning. "How'd I get silly string on my—" I stopped and burst out laughing. Turk walked in with silly string all over the top of his head.
"What?" he demanded. "What, I don't—" He felt the top of his head and gasped. "No WAY!"
"Look, there's a note in my Fruit Loops box!" I exclaimed. "Dear JD and Turk…Ha ha. From Carla."
"She's good," Turk said somewhat bitterly.
"At least she had the decency to leave my hair alone," I said gratefully. "I call the shower!"
This was one of my favorite times of day. Turk and I slow-motion raced to the shower, and whoever hit the shower nozzle last won. I inched my foot in front of me slowly—I was at a disadvantage because I was closest, you see—and started pumping my arms in slow-mo time, opening my mouth really wide.
"YOOOUUUU CAAANNNN'T HHHAAAAAAAVVVE IIIIIT," Turk slow-mode spoke.
"IIIIII NNEEEEEEEED IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT," I drawled back.
The shower turned on. We stopped in our tracks, bewildered.
"Idiots. This is my favorite time of day!" Carla sing-songed.
Damn, she stole my idea to have a favorite time of day…hell, she TOOK mine!
"That copycat," I muttered under my breath. I wiped the silly string off of my face with the palm of my hand. "Well, we aren't going to get in there for another two hours, so I'm going to head off." Sasha needed a ride…I was ready to rumble.
I yawned again. "Man, I'm usually not this tired when we…"
"Fall asleep in front of the television," Turk deadpanned, finishing my sentence and wiping the silly string off of his bald head.
My pager beeped. "Damn all residents to monkey hell," I cursed, reading the script. Something about dosages again. I paged back: Be right there, monkey from hell, then decided that wasn't a nice thing to say to Hot Girl, who must have been the "Amanda" paging me. Sorry, that was my roommate, I'll be there in a sec, I typed again. Turk was married. What the heck did he care?
I hopped on my scooter, grinning as the wind woke me up. Sasha was the best scooter a guy could ask for. She made me forget that I was a lonely single despite the fact that I am utterly irresistible. But, you know, when the gods of love and all that voodoo crap decide to test you, it's my policy to prove them all wrong with that annual one night stand with that random girl from the bar. What was her name again? Susan? Annie? Hm.
I blinked. The road blurred. "Ack," I muttered, swiping at my eye. Did I have silly string in it from this morning?
I was in the right lane, with a good patch of grass to drive into if I needed to stop. But how could I aim the scooter if I couldn't see straight? I shook my head, trying to make the blur go away, but it stayed. I panicked and veered off the road, causing several people to honk behind me. I stopped Sasha as soon as I was sure I was out of the clear.
My heart was beating fast. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, trying to make sense of what was happening. I opened my eyes again and everything came into focus again. I breathed a sigh of relief, taking off my helmet and running a hand through my hair.
What the hell just happened?
Teehee. JD torture is my specialty. Review if you EVER WANT TO SEE THIS STORY AGAIN (acts like a hostage-holding maniac). See, I do the () thing because ASTERISKS aren't ALLOWED. HEAR THAT, FANFIC? I NEED 'EM! Okay, um, review, because tomorrow I have the BIGGEST FREAKING cross country meet of the year and I'm SO stressed out because for some inexplicable reason I made varsity (I'm literally number seven out of seven, lol, making me the slowest kid to ever MAKE varsity...damn, were they desperate) meaning I'm going to the UBER BIG SCARY COMPETITION WITH ALL THE BIG KIDS, SO REVIEW!! (takes a deep breath) ASTERISKS! I NEED ASTERISKS!