The Author's Note: Yes, it's been a long time. Many personal and computer issues have been dealt with. I've not had time or interest for fanfiction. However, I'm looking forward to getting back into the loop. Here's the next installation of my Killing Mary-Sues Saga. If you haven't read my first one, I would suggest you do so to get an idea of what's going on.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.
Alana patted the warg as she made her way through the halls of the PPC. It was surprising how few stares she attracted along the way. Agents of the PPC have seen everything… and they get used to it, or go insane. A very frequent occurrence.
Alana had long since learned that if one wanted to find something in Headquarters, the best thing to do was to not look for it. This logic might not make sense to some, but the greyness of the endless hallways made it quite difficult to get anywhere in particular. Reminding herself of this, she hummed Vivaldi's Spring to herself as she passed a haggard looking agent dragging an extremely distressed monkey and a humanoid figure with an octopus head (who nodded cordially as she passed).
An elevator and several hallways later, she arrived in front of a grey door. Feeling it would be best to knock, she politely lifted a practical, unattractive combat boot and kicked the door several times before unceremoniously thrusting it open, tugging the warg's leash (for which she had managed to locate a chain discarded from a disturbingly Dominatrix-ish Sue) after her.
A very surprised sunflower sporting a business suit looked up from the paperwork it was currently examining(?). Ah. Agent Alana. With what have you come to brighten my day? It seemed remarkably calm. If it hadn't been a sunflower, Alana would have sworn she heard an edgy tone to its… voice. Of course, she had just walked in spattered with orc and Mary-Sue blood and leading a full-grown warg.
I see. Well, it could be useful for our research teams t—
"No. She's not going to be dissected. I want to keep her."
And have you considered how you will care for this… thing?
"I'll potty train her. And feed her live Mary-Sues. And cafeteria meat."
Very well… I know I'm going to regret this, but…
"Great! And can I have a raise?"
Sarah was meanwhile holding the bloody scalp several feet in front of her, an expression of disgust written on her face. Many things did not gross her out. She could still recall the class in eighth grade where she had an entire cow heart to dissect to herself, as everyone else couldn't bear to do it. But hair… hair was different. And hair with skin clinging to it was worse.
As she pushed open the door to Makes-Things's lab with one arm, there was a clatter and a young Asian man swiftly disappeared behind a pile of broken computers. "It's just me," said Sarah in a too-cheerful voice. "So, you have a girlfriend?"
"Go away." His voice sounded muffled.
"Right… 'cause I was wondering if you might want to go out some time."
"Ok, ok. Just… I need to put this thing somewhere for Alana."
"Oh, she's your new partner is she?
Sarah considered this. Why she had to think about it is a mystery. It probably had something to do with her brain's tendency to slow down when she was deprived of sleep. "Yeah, she is."
"You'll want the lamp at the back of the room then. Right corner." His head cautiously appeared. "And tell her to get the others. I don't enjoy looking at them every time I have to go back there."
Sarah saw that three other scalps were laid neatly in a row. "Will do." With a flirtatious smile that served to disturb him greatly, she headed back to their response center. A shower was in order. A shower, then a nice nap.
Sarah's head jerked upwards. Apparently, the loud rock music blasting from her ipod hadn't been enough to drown out the noise. Attempting to untangle herself from the headphones, she wrinkled her nose and glanced around. Alana, who was far quicker upon awakening, had hopped off of the bear rug on the ground and was now checking the screen.
"What is that smell?"
"It's sloppy joe day at the cafeteria. They gave me the leftovers to feed Zenith."
"She has a name you know."
"Oh, that Zenith." Sarah glanced over at the warg, who was happily snoozing on a pile of blankets in a corner beside an empty vat. "What are you going to do with her while we're gone anyway? She can't come with us."
"What'sHerFace agreed to look after her. She does assistant work in the Legal Department, so she has a lot of time on her hands… and she's telepathic, so she can teach Zenith not to crap in here. Recruited Mary-Sue's evil twin or something. Kept trying to bump the lovely elven maid off, so they hired her."
"Wonder what it would be like to have time on your hands…"
"Oh, and what on earth did you do to the walls?"
Sarah looked at her side of the room thoughtfully. Although the majority of her things had remained in her bags, the wall was now plastered with posters featuring Lord of the Rings, Jack Sparrow, and several of her favourite bands. "Decorated it."
"If you could call it that…"
"I could. And I do."
"Right. Well, we're looking at another Legomance-" She stopped short. And then cursed.
"What's wrong? Besides the obvious I mean."
"I… I don't even know where to begin. It seems she's twenty-two, and… and still in high school." There was a long silence, finally broken by Sarah's hysterical laughter.
"You've got to be shitting me."
"And she's beautiful. And she gets straight A's. And she's captain of the track team. And abused by her parents. And hated by her peers. And brilliant at archery. And singing. And fencing-"
"Stop. Just stop."
Alana's fingers flew over the keys. "Disguise…" she mumbled. "Where'd be best to get her? We probably can kill her off in Rivendell, we'll have accumulated enough for a charge list by then. Elves I s'pose."
"Ooooh, I want to be of the Noldor."
"Fine. Get your stuff. And bring your ipod… she sings constantly."
Stuffing a few last minute essentials into her bag (such as beef jerky and corn nuts… very essential), Sarah slung it over her shoulder with a cheerful whistle. Alana eyed her balefully for a moment, wondering what her partner was so damn cheerful about, before punching up the portal and stepping through. At least she'd get to kill something.
When they materialised, they found themselves in the midst of a flashback. Their Sue had found an escaped White Siberian cub, and was nursing it back to health. It sort of made you want to hurl.
"Do we have to be here?" whispered Sarah. As it was a flashback, the Mary-Sue couldn't see or hear them, but she was rather overcome by the Sueness of it all. It was truly dreadful.
"It sets up her stupid, illogical, ridiculously angsty background," Alana muttered, tying back her now silver hair (she had decided to disguise herself as a Teleri, being quite fond of their ships).
Sarah squinted at the Rose-Kat thing (the author couldn't seem to decide what her character's name was). "What's wrong with her skin?"
"'Her skin tone is peach, but also has a little marble color added to it'," Alana read aloud. "You know what colour marbled is?"
"Isn't it… well, aren't there lots of colours of marble?"
"Exactly. Her skin can't decide what kind of marble it is."
There was a jolt, and they snapped out of the flashback into reality. After they had safely positions themselves outside her window, Sarah grimaced. "I hate flashbacks with bad transitions. They give me a headache."
"You haven't had a headache 'til you've been through some of the Time and Spatial Distortions these sort of stories end up with. They're awful."
There was another flashback, this one more pointless than the first, showing how loyal her precious little pet was to her and their speshul little bond. The agents made themselves comfortable as the Mary-Sue thought about her miserable little life.
At school, it was no different. Even though she's very sweet to people, they would treat her like she was the dirt of the Earth. They would ignore her, push her, take her things, threw food at her and she took this from them, even though she was sad that no one would stop to get to know her…They bullied her because she was into fantasy books and because she got straight A's in her classes.
"Sarah, have you ever been a straight A student?"
Sarah, who was sprawled out on the grass with her copy of the Silmarillion, laughed. "Me? Dude, I'm on Ritalin for a reason. I did well after I was diagnosed with ADD and treated, but I had to work at it. Why?"
"Because I was. Granted, I never took any Advanced Placement courses or anything like that, but I did well. I was… well, not captain, we didn't have a captain, but I did track. I was damn good at it because of my long legs and stamina. And I liked fantasy books. And for some unknown reason, my classmates didn't hate me. Hell, some of the jocks asked me for help with their homework. And I wasn't even sweet to people."
"No kidding. Threw food at her? Honestly, that's like… fourth grade."
"And she's pretty. Guys would be queuing up to go out with her, because teenage guys are shallow like that. They wouldn't care about her obnoxious personality."
"You know, I don't really blame her parents for abusing her. I know it sounds horrible, but they should get a medal. She's annoying as hell."
Alana, who was reading ahead, sighed heavily. "You know, she falls asleep for a few hours. We're skipping ahead to Middle Earth."
The Author's Note: Reviews and constructive criticism are appreciated. I don't write just for reviews, so I'm not going to threaten anyone with a 'I'll post the next chapter when I get however many reviews'. But if you've read this and liked it, a simple 'Nice story, keep going', would be great. Flames will be used to roast Mary Sue's cute widdle animal friends.