Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the PPC, and Eru forbid I own the original fanfiction this is based on. If you want to read the original, it can be found in my profile.
Sarah's eyes opened blearily. Alana was patiently jabbing her arm with a spork. Brushing off the ashes from last night's campfire that had somehow blown onto her sleeping bag, she sat up and stretched. "Anything to eat?" she asked, eyeing the remains of last night's roasted rabbit. It didn't look very appetising.
Alana shook her head, having left off of poking the younger assassin. She was now examining the rabbit skin, which had been cleaned and hung out to dry on a tree branch. It made excellent lining for boots, and Alana hated to waste anything. "You'll have to make do with what you have. But hurry up; the council'll be starting soon. And we have a bit of a walk."
"It's better than having Rose/Kat sing us to sleep."
"Never said it wasn't."
Retrieving some dried fruit and crackers, she rolled up her sleeping bag and followed Alana at a short distance, concentrating on stuffing her face. It was better than thinking about what lay ahead. Mary-Sues always managed to completely ruin the Council of Elrond. And she didn't dare consider the fate of Boromir.
Taking their places amongst the elves, both attempted to adapt a neutral expression on their faces. Sarah's method was to sit on one leg and anxiously peel her fingernails. Alana had left her axe with her things, seeing as it had the potential to attract the Mary-Sue's attention. However, she settled for focusing her attention on polishing her hunting knife vigorously.
"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate--this one doom." Elrond says and then beckons Frodo to stand. "And we have the pleasure of having the prophesized one with us too. Come forth, Rose and Frodo. Bring forth the Ring, too."
"What?! Come forth special prophesied one. Oh yeah, bring the Ring too, that might be important as well."
Alana looked murderous as Boromir lustfully looks at Rose. Sarah crossed her fingers, biting her lip. "Come on Boromir…"
Apparently, the author had, at this point, entirely forgotten that the council was supposed to be about the Ring judging by the interaction between Boromir and Rose. No longer the Council of Elrond, it was now the Bitching of Rose/Kat.
"Well, you certainly have courage, not many peasants were dare speak back to their superiors," said Boromir. Rose growled.
"Don't be so shocked. You are a weakly woman compared to anyone above you here, no?" said Boromir.
Rose narrowed her eyes, "I'm not weak. I bet I can best you at swordplay. I'm not beneath anyone here, especially to a swine like you!"
Boromir narrowed his eyes to hers. He walked over and got in her face. Legolas had to stop himself from lunging and throwing Boromir away from Rose.
"You ARE beneath us all!" said Boromir.
"Here here!" Alana accidentally exclaimed aloud. Thankfully, Rose didn't hear her. Even with Boromir horribly out of character, Alana still agreed with him. What she didn't understand was where Mary-Sue authors got the idea that Boromir was some woman-hating jerk.
As he announced that she ought to leave the fighting to the men, she yelled "MIERDA HFBRIDO (Spanish words for YOU BASTARD)!" and punched him between the eyes. Oddly, as the parenthesis was within the quotes, the Mary-Sue yelled the last part as well as the mangled Spanish. He fell to the ground, and Alana actually leapt to her feet, her eyes blazing. Fearing a relapse, Sarah dragged her partner back to a sitting position and firmly held her down. Ironically, she was whispering almost the exact thing that Aragorn was telling Rose.
"No Alana! She's not worth it." And then, she added, "I'm not sure what language she's speaking. I've studied Spanish through high school and uni as my foreign language, and that sure as hell isn't it."
Sarah was very touchy-feely by nature, and wrapped her arm around the older assassin comfortingly. "It'll be ok. We'll kill her soon enough." Curiously, Alana didn't shove her away. She didn't do anything. She just stared ahead, eyes oddly blank. Concerned, Sarah watched the grim scene unfolding in front of her.
It didn't make sense at all. Boromir loved Mary-Sue… lusted after her, or whatever… but insulted her? Even if one supposed for a moment that he really was just a horny jerk, it still didn't make sense. Guys know that if you want to get into bed with a girl, you nod and smile and pretend that you're very interested in what they have to say. If you're going to entirely redo someone's personality, Sarah reasoned, at least don't make it contradictory.
The council continued as it was supposed to (movie verse of course), aside from the occasional Sun Child reference. But then Rose/Kat had to ruin it all by being dramatic. Apparently, Sauron jumped into her head for no apparent reason when Gimli attempted to strike the ring with his axe.
"Aragorn will never take the throne of Gondor." He spoke. "I'll make sure he dies."
"NEVER!" Rose yelled. "I'll make sure Aragorn takes the throne and you will be destroyed once and for all."
Sauron growls. "Never! I will rule Middle-Earth with you by my side. You will bear me sons that will conquer Middle-Earth. And no one will stop me from getting you." He smiles evilly.
Pain suddenly hit her. Roses' eyes bug out and she screamed; clutching her head, eyes tightly shut in pain as Sauron probed her mind. She falls to the ground. Instantly, both Legolas and Aragorn are at her side.
Sarah couldn't help it; she cracked up as Rose's eyes 'bugged out'. Aside from the fact that it was amusing to see her in pain, it made the Mary-Sue look like a crazy person. She glanced nervously at her partner, who was still rather unresponsive. Glancing down, she saw that Sauron was describing how he was going to kill Legolas.
Sauron laugh. "And for your defiance, I'll leave you a token of my "affections" for you." He then takes his trusty whip and lashes at her, breaking her skin. "You will have no future with the elf. He'll never love you once he knows your secret. I know you fear love and men. YOU'RE MINE!"
Apparently, Sauron fancied her as well. How odd.
Then the real dramatics began. Alana suddenly grabbed Sarah's arm as Rose's beautiful golden/turned to white 'aura' combined with Legolas's forest green 'aura'. It was so stupid that it Sarah felt like crying. Alana's mouth was opening and closing soundlessly in horror. Then she swore in seven different languages. Interestingly, Alana only spoke three of these, and was only fluent in two. However, she had taken the time to learn these particular words for such an occasion. Then she gripped Sarah's arm and gestured to the words.
He had seen Boromir looking at Rose with greedy and lustful eyes when they saw the wounds.
"What is he now, a vampire? Since when does someone check out a girl's… wounds? That's just weird," Sarah muttered. "Wish we could kill the author instead of the Sue." Alana leaned back, her fists clenched in fury.
They watched the rest of the council, only pausing to grimace at Legolas's remarkable immaturity ("I'll be friends with Gimli when he auta miqula orqu (go kisses an orc)"). It would have been nice to take a reading on Legolas's character rupture, but the brat had broken their CAD. It was safe to say that he was considerably out of character.
"You carry the fates of us all little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done." Boromir says as he approaches the group slowly. He stands very close to Rose. She moves close to Legolas, not liking the way he's looking at her. Legolas looks too and doesn't like the way. He slings his arm around her shoulder, being careful of her wounds and brought her closer to him, glaring at Boromir. Boromir glares back, but adverts his eyes.
"She can't even write! Did she even stop to read that aloud to herself before posting it? Because… if you're going to have a crappy plotline, at least…" Sarah couldn't finish the sentence. Alana had stood up once more, and it seemed as good a time as any to leave, before she attempted something dire. Sarah didn't care to be stuck with arrows by the surrounding elves.
Dragging Alana away from the Council proved to be no mean feat. She was currently muttering something unintelligible in what Sarah judged to be a mix of Spanish, French, and Elvish. Either way, it didn't make a whole lot of sense. When they were at a safe distance, Sarah finally released her hold and eyed her partner warily, unsure of the assassin's current sanity level. To her alarm, Alana simply stood and stared at nothing. "You ok mate?"
There was a long silence. Finally, Alana spoke, her voice hoarse. "What do you… what do you think? She's completely ruined Boromir. She's dramatic, awful… I hate her." Sarah attempted to smile. Had Alana been a close friend, she would probably have hugged her, kissed her on the head, and told her everything would turn out alright. Having her first and only sibling at the age of twelve had brought out a maternal side in her that might not otherwise be there. It had the tendency to show up in moments like these. As it was, Sarah squeezed her arm.
"She'll die. Soon."
In an attempt to retain their sanity (or lack thereof), the two assassins had settled under a tree with beef jerky, cards, and rum from the PotC universe (which they weren't really supposed to have, seeing as they were working). The cards had been abandoned some time ago in favour of Sarah's favourite drinking/get to know you game, I Never.
"I've never had a tragic past."
Alana took a drink, and Sarah made a face. "And you called me a Mary-Sue!"
"Hey, my older brother died when I was ten. It's not that tragic, but we were close. 'Specially since our parents were always working… not a whole lot of time for us."
"I suppose it's better than being beaten by your parents or something. Your turn."
"I've never kissed a girl." Sarah lifted her bottle and took a large gulp.
"Yeah. It's nice, girls are generally better at it than guys."
"I'll take your word for it."
"Hey, I don't lust after them or anything. Unless they're Arwen, or in a Victoria's Secret catalogue. Then they're rather nice to look at."
"That goes under the list of too much information." In contrast to Sarah's rather slurred articulation, Alana's voice was perfectly clear. What she hadn't told her partner was that a few years after her brother's death, she had undergone a goth/alcohol and drugs phase. Thankfully the drugs were fairly short lived, and she had straightened herself out when her parents decided to send her to boarding school. Nonetheless, she could hold her alcohol very well.
"I… I never cheated on a boyfriend. With another guy anyway. And I don't think it counts as cheating if your boyfriend's ok with it."
Alana hesitated for a split second, and then took a drink. Sarah smirked at her. The older agent shot Sarah a look that clearly said, 'if you say anything, I'll kill you.' Taking the hint, Sarah shrugged and drained the last of her rum. "We should get… get…"
"That's the one."
Alana frowned slightly, looking down at the story. "A few days until she's fully healed. Then she's back in the story. Don't you have the Remote Activator?"
"I'm starting to realise why we're not supposed to drink while on duty." Alana grabbed Sarah's pack and began to sort through it. "Why do you have a stuffed dog in here? And a towel?"
"Hey! Don't knock Skittles. He's my friend. And you should always know where your towel is."
Alana chose to ignore this pronouncement. "Found it. At least I know where to go if I need tampons. You have about fifty in here."
"They're useful things now that I'm off of birth control."
Alana made mental note to never give Sarah alcohol again. She punched in the coordinates and a portal opened. "After you."
Alana had allowed for a few hours prior to their Mary-Sue's awakening to get the alcohol out of her partner's system. Surprisingly, Sarah's sobriety only took about a half of an hour. Apparently, as Sarah explained, this was normal. She became quite drunk quite easily, but it didn't last very long. They were now sitting outside of the Sue's window, watching the various canon characters fawn over her.
"Aragorn thinks we need to practice in case we should be attacked by orcs," said Legolas.
Rose groans, falls back onto her pillows, and covers her eyes with her hand. "Just gggrrrreeeeaaaaatttttt."
"I don't get it. Why doesn't she want to practise fighting? I thought she liked it."
"She's a walking contradiction, remember?"
"Alright, everyone out!"
"Why?" Pippin asked as the others left the room.
She eyes him.
"I'm not going to change with you watching, am I?" said Rose.
"Are you?" said Pippin, hopefully.
"Eeeeeeewwwww!" This remarkably mature declaration was made by a thoroughly disgusted Sarah. "So Pippin's lusting after her now?!"
Alana just shook her head in disbelief.
They followed the others at a short distance. "Ok, we've got to kill her cute little animal friends. But we've got a problem. Even without the near-rape scene, and the comforting a sobbing, pansy Frodo-"
Alana grimaced at the capitalisation and excessive use of punctuation, but continued. "Regardless of your infatuation with Frodo, we've got to keep going. As I was saying, even without all that… and detailed description of how her parents abused her… we've got enough of a charge list to kill her. That way, Frodo and Boromir won't have to go through all that."
"So what's the problem?"
"The problem is that in Lothlorien, she acquires a hippogriff."
"You've got to be kidding me."
"And a random special hawk. But I don't want to sit through the rest of this story just so we can kill them. So one of us can use the portal to find them, kill them, and then come back."
"You go ahead."
"But I get to kill the Sue."
"That leaves you with Bijan."
Sarah stopped in her tracks. "Look… I can't."
"What are you talking about?"
"I can't kill a Siberian Tiger. Special little animal friend or not, I can't do it."
Alana sighed. If she dared to admit it to herself, she didn't really want to either. But it had to be done. "Here's the Remote Activator then. I'm trusting you not to leave me here forever. Go kill the hippogriff and the hawk. Bijan's still in Rose/Kat's room, so I'll take care of him. We'll meet back here in… five minutes, ok?"
It had been easier to take care of the cute animal friends than they had thought it would be. A not-so-intelligent tiger does not expect to be fed poisoned meat by an elf any more than a hippogriff expects to be shot down with an arrow in Lothlorien moments before meeting his Mary-Sue. They were all dead and safely stowed away until the assassins could return to take care of the corpses in a more practical fashion.
Now, the assassins were watching Mary-Sue 'fight' Boromir. It looked more like a gymnastics meet than anything else.
She continued to do back-flips as he dove at her.
Grimly, they watched as she proceeded to catch his blade in her hands, knock his sword out of his hands, kick him to the ground, and force him to yield.
"I made a mistake, milady," he said, "You do have skill with the blade. You have my respect."
The fellowship looked surprised as two elves strode forward.
"We hail from the Grey Havens, and crave an audience with the Sun Child," proclaimed the elf with silver hair.
Legolas stepped forward, looking protective. "Milady, if you-" But he was interrupted.
Boromir had been staring at the darker-haired elf with a slight frown, as thought trying to recall a memory long forgotten. But his face cleared, and he now spoke up. "Surely you do not mean to say that you do not trust your own kin?"
Rose glared at Boromir. "He didn't say that!"
The first elf cleared her throat. "While I hate to interrupt your bickering, our message is rather important. Could we have a moment alone with the lady?"
Rose/Kat followed them for a short distance. Alana glanced at her partner, who nodded. Swiftly, the older assassin tackled the Mary-Sue to the ground and disarmed her, while Sarah took care of the binding and gagging. Feeling better already, they dragged her to the tree where they kept their things. The Sue became very wide-eyed when she saw the bodies of her cute animal friends and began to struggle, but Alana would have none of that. She kicked Rose/Kat's head sharply, rendering her unconscious.
"I'm going to skin the tiger. Want to help?"
"I'll pass." Sarah watched Alana's work with awe. "How'd you get so good at it?"
"Dad used to take my brother and I hunting with him. Only David wouldn't skin the animals, so Dad taught me how to do it. And after that, it was just a matter of practise."
"She's waking up."
"I'm just about done anyway." Wiping her bloody hands on the Mary-Sue's clothes, Alana gave an eerie smile as she pulled her notebook out of her pocket.
"Rose… or Kat, whatever the hell your name is, it is my duty to charge you with, first and foremost, being a Mary-Sue, describing clothing in ridiculous detail, having a stupid, godawful, unrealistic tragic history including abusive parents and rape, being ridiculously, unrealistically beautiful as well as good at everything, having a tiger as a cute animal friend, being stabbed on Weathertop instead of Frodo, causing all canon characters to adore you… and if they are male, lust after you, turning Boromir into a horny sexist bastard, having the whole love at first sight thing with Legolas, having a ridiculously beautiful voice- you do realise that some of humanity's most amazing singers would barely come up to par with the elves don't you? Of course you don't- causing everyone to think that you're more important than the ring, being part of a stupid prophesy, being a speshul Sun Child and sought by Sauron, constantly switching present and past tenses, acting ridiculously immature but still making Legolas fall in love with you, and… well, this hasn't happened yet, so I don't know if it can technically be part of the charge list, but I'll be damned if I'm going stand by and let it happen… making Boromir try to rape you! For Eru's sake, what is your problem? Any last words? Just kidding, you don't deserve any last words after what you've done to Boromir. But you do get a last eye drop."
And with that, she fished a small, conveniently placed glass bottle out of her pocket. Unscrewing the lid, she poured the contents into the Mary-Sue's eyes.
"And now we play the waiting game."
"What was that?"
"Strychnine. In ten or so minutes, all of her muscles are going to spasm. Basically, she'll either die from asphyxiation, if she's lucky, or exhaustion."
"That's wicked cool. How long'll it take?"
"Ages. So let's dump her somewhere."
"And get rid of the hippogriff. And the hawk."
"I was thinking Zenith would appreciate the hawk as a snack. But I think I have an idea." Whistling, Alana opened a portal and hefted the now twitching Sue over her shoulder, along with her gear.
"How am I supposed to carry the hippogriff and the tiger pelt?"
Rolling her eyes, Alana took the cute animal friend corpse in her other hand, dragging it along the ground. They stepped through into… Moria. The Bridge of Khazad-Dum to be exact. Alana kicked the body over the edge and motioned to her partner. Deciding it would be best to give up attempting to figure out what was going on, Sarah followed.
They stopped in a dark corner, far from the path of the Fellowship. "She can rot here," Alana said, sounding almost cheerful. Giving the Sue a kind parting kick, she opened another portal. This one lead to their Response Center.
The Author's Note: I had a number of ideas for killing the Sue, but all exceeded the rating of this fanfiction, so I stuck with strychnine, a wicked cool poison. Please review, it's nice to know people are reading and liking (or not liking) this story. Constrictive criticism is welcome, and flames will be used creatively. Feel free to send me any stories you would like to see PPC'd… the only criteria is that they must be in the Lord of the Rings category. And a Mary-Sue. Thanks for reading!