TITLE TRANSLATION: DREAM OF THE RED SAND
Author's Note: Dedicated to the wonderful, lovely, awesome Eithne. (And Kim, for getting me the awesomeness.) This is a pure crackfic. Take nothing seriously.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Although I would really like a little Sasori or Deidara for my birthday. (Kishimoto owns the Naruto characters, Eithne owns herself, I own myself, Eithne owns the idea of: Hidan and Kakuzu's fight; the prancing-skipping-singing idea; and all of the KakaKabu hints.)
Spoiler Warning: Up until…the most recent chapter, as far as abilities go. (Mostly Hidan's ability. 'Cause I'm pretty sure that Sasori's body is common knowledge now.)
so lucky lucky
I'm so lucky lucky
I'm so lovely lovely
I'm so lovely lovely
You can fool yourself
I promise it will help
Now every single day
I just wanna hear you say it
Lucky by Lucky Twice
Sasori's memory bank worked differently from the mortals'. His memories were all much sharper, more reliable. He almost never forgot anything. Even with all of his years of wisdom and ninja-ing. But, there was a downside as well. Almost always, asleep or merely unconscious, he dreamed. It was like his brain was trying not to overload, and was shuffling memories around to prevent deterioration of some of them. It was much sharper than the average human's, or even the average shin obi's, for that matter.
Unfortunately, it meant that he relived many things he didn't want to, such as his childhood, some of his more embarrassing defeats, and, of course, Deidara's idiocy.
His dreams were mostly just parts of memories lumped together haphazardly. Sometimes, they even mixed together; he may be in the middle of the war battlefield, but be speaking with Kabuto, who was reporting in his grandmother's voice. And almost always, he realized it was a dream within the first few seconds, and just leisurely watched past memories. But once in awhile, generally past battles, they became too realistic for his liking.
Of course, not all of the realistic dreams were past battles…unfortunately and unluckily.
Sasori was in his room. Normal, routine enough. He could sense his partner's chakra next door, and it seemed that Hidan and Kakuzu were walking down the hall, away from his room. It was so mundane that it never occurred to the puppet master that this could have been a dream.
The first tip-off should've been that he hadn't noticed Kabuto. The second should have been that Sasori screamed. And he screamed. It was like how kunoichi screamed when they saw blood, or a severed foot, or a bug. Calming himself, thanking every deity that he couldn't blush in embarrassment, Sasori snapped, "What are you doing here, Kabuto?! I don't need a report yet!"
"I was watching you sleep." the silver-haired medic chirped in reply. (The third hint should've been that Kabuto was never as…chipper as this.) Sasori made the appropriate creeped-out face, and the fourth should've been that he didn't usually show facial expressions this freely…
"Um, eww. Never do that again, Kabuto-san…" Sasori looked away, making a face. This was just disturbing.
"Why? It was fun! Kakashi never lets me watch him sleep!!" Kabuto was immediately in defense mode, ranting appropriately. (Fifth hint that this was not reality.) Sasori was now quite thoroughly creeped out. (Sixth.) Kabuto jumped down from where he was crouching (cat-like, Sasori thought) and strode over toward Sasori. "Kakashi never lets me do anything fun. Neither does Orochimaru. And now you won't let me do anything, either. WHY?! Why is the world so cruel to me? I don't get enough sleep myself, so at least let me enjoy the sleep of others!! SO GET BACK TO SLEEP SO I CAN WATCH YOU." (Seventh hint. The whole rant.)
Sasori just sat there, on his bed, looking shell-shocked and slightly frightened. He stared blankly at the fuming spy, and didn't flinch in the least when there was a loud boom, and suddenly half of his wall was missing. Deidara stood triumphantly in the gaping hole as the smoke cleared, fists planted on his hips. Instantly he started shouting, "YOU CAN WATCH ME SLEEP, SASORI-DANNAAAAA!! UNNNNN!!" The fact that the redhead didn't react might've been the eighth hint. Perhaps.
"NO!! He's MINE!! Back off!!" Kabuto sunk into some almost drunk-looking fighting stance, arms swinging loosely at his sides. He gave a catlike yowl and leapt at Deidara, his fingernails suddenly becoming claws. (The fact that he somehow had a grey tail and cat ears was probably the ninth tip-off. Deidara now had feline traits as well, but that could probably go in with the ninth.) The two had a quite literal cat fight, hissing, snarling and clawing at each other. Sasori only watched in a muted shock.
"No fair, un! You have the Copy-Nin!" cat-Deidara squealed, rolling out from under the cat-Kabuto with a mew. Cat-Kabuto paused, tail swishing. (Sasori suddenly remembered that he hated cats as well, but that wasn't really a tip-off at all.)
"That's right. I have him." the cat-medic purred, and curled up to go to sleep.
The tenth hint was probably the most major one so far. But somehow, it didn't penetrate Sasori's suddenly thick-headed subconscious.
Two girls suddenly skipped past, through Sasori's door and out the gaping hole in the wall. They were singing some abstract song (rather off-key, too), skipping slowly and cheerfully, and tossing flowers around them. The other three shinobi (well, cat-Kabuto didn't really) stopped to watch, mouths agape. Deidara was no longer kittified, somehow, too.
Halfway to the hole (it seemed to take forever for the pair of girls (they didn't even look like kunoichi) to skip across the room), one of the girls suddenly stopped, looked around, then shouted, "SHUT UP, CORA!! THE KAKAKABU IS TOTALLY BELIEVABLE! Take that seriously, bitches!" And then they skipped out, still throwing flowers, still singing. Kabuto only looked pleased at this outburst.
Unfortunately, the next part was totally believable; Deidara had done it before. The blonde burst into song, throwing his arms out dramatically in the process. "I'M, SO LUCKY-LUCKY!!" He sang in a screeching sort of voice. Sasori's partner then proceeded to strut out back to his room, not unlike one of his birds; his arms jutted out like wings, and he really strutted. "YOU'RE, SO LOVELY-LOVELY."
Kabuto suddenly disappeared as well, and Sasori was now out in the hallway. It was dark enough to be annoying, and it seemed as if this was the hallway leading toward Sir Leader-sama's room. (This could have been the eleventh hint; Sasori almost never came to Sir Leader-sama this way. Plus, the sudden scene change was part of that tip-off, too.)
Sasori wandered down the hallway purposelessly, although the dark door at the far end never seemed to get any closer. Very annoying. Irritating. Frustrating. Irksome. Infuriating. Exasperating. (Deidara-ish.) Sasori was happily listing off words in his head, even as the door stayed firmly at the end of the corridor.
Then, however, Orochimaru came out of nowhere. He had his Akatsuki cloak on; it swirled grandly behind him. The snake Sannin rushed over, hugging Sasori firmly with a rather girlish squeal. "Oh, Sasori!! It's been too long, partner! We mustn't let so much time elapse between our visits, you know!!" Sasori just twitched. (This was positively the twelfth sign that this was a dream.) "Kabuto has told me so much about you, and all about your new partner! I do hope he isn't nearly as cute as me! Oh, Sasori, my, how you have grown!"
And the first logical statement by Sasori: "I am a puppet, Orochimaru. I do not grow." Still, he couldn't stop another twitch at the wink Orochimaru had added at the second to last remark. The thirteenth hint had come when all of a sudden, cat-Deidara came out of the wall in a flying tackle, stuck to Orochimaru with a sound like duct tape or Velcro, and suddenly dragged him down into the floor with a hiss.
His grandmother came at that point, and Sasori was a mortal child again. She seemed to be talking with his father's voice, scolding him for stealing a cookie from the cookie jar (which had happened about five decades ago). Chiyo reprimanded him in her deep, male voice, created from what little scraps of his father he had left in his memories. Sasori retorted by calling out his father in puppet form, although the puppet turned around and started scolding him as well, in his mother's voice. (All that was the thirteenth sign, but still, it was so life-like that Sasori thought that it was reality. Or perhaps some twisted genjutsu.)
Although he was a mortal child, Sasori somehow called one of his blades out of his arm, and proceeded to hack both his puppet-father and grandmother to bits. The bits, although completely free of blood, splinters or anything else you'd expect from a carcass (or puppet), jumped up and started to clack loudly. All of the pieces danced around him in some sort of bizarre circle. The fourteenth hint that this was most definitely a dream came in the forms of Hidan and Kakuzu.
The immortal swung his triple-bladed scythe around in a great circle (much unlike his usual attack). Somehow, the weapon dissolved all of the body parts, and ripped Sasori's child body from him. The puppet again stood normally, clad in his cloak and looking irritated. "Sasori, you jerk, why were you dancin' with those fingers?" Hidan snapped, and then tried to lick off the blood from his scythe.
"Shut up, you jerk." Kakuzu cut in, interrupting before the redhead could reply. "Sasori, you need to decide something for us." This was not unusual. This pair was always fighting about either religion (Hidan's) or money (Kakuzu's). Always fighting. They couldn't stop, most of the time. Many of the other members were used to either giving advice, laughing, or egging them on.
"Sure…?" Sasori said warily. He wasn't quite as immortal as Hidan, and Kakuzu already seemed like he was in a sour mood.
"That jerk" (Sasori realized that neither of them had cursed so far; fifteenth hint.) "says that you can't steal words. But it's a known fact that you can. Aren't I right?"
"Aw, shut up, that's not right! What d'you know, anyway? You can't steal words, they don't belong to anyone, you jerk!" Hidan retorted, casually swinging his scythe around to try to spear his partner. Kakuzu just leapt easily out of the way, as if it didn't bother him in the least that his supposed 'ally' had just tried to kill him.
"You can own words! Titles of novels, quotes, just like you can own money!" The pale-eyed shinobi pointed out harshly, taking out a wad of bills to prove his point. "And trust me, I very much own this. Just like that sentence you stole from me!!"
"Fine then, you jerk." Sasori had to twitch. He almost missed Hidan and Kakuzu's colorful vocabulary. "You can have your sentence back!"
"Eww, no! It has your cooties now!" Kakuzu squealed, jumping away from his partner as though burned. In his haste, he dropped his precious money, and the bills fluttered to the ground. Hidan, with a sulky, tearful pout, snatched up the money and tried to rip them. Kakuzu screamed, in a very feminine and shrill fashion, but Hidan dropped them a moment later, screaming himself.
The silver-haired immortal, still screaming hysterically, held his finger. The tiniest sliver of red appeared, not even a half inch in length. A paper cut. Kakuzu, after scooping up his money and smoothing out the crinkles, watched suspiciously. Sasori tried not to laugh at the idiocy, or cry at the stupidity. When Hidan actually started crying (no, sobbing, wailing, throwing a fit), that was probably the sixteenth tip-off. That, along with after a few moments later, he asked Sasori to kiss it to make it better.
"Hidan, I am not going to kiss any part of you. Plus…weren't you a masochist? Don't you love pain?" The redheaded puppet asked, raising an eyebrow and stepping away from him simultaneously.
"N-no-no, th-this HURTS!! It's hurts, S-Sasori! And--OH NO, IT'S BLEEDING!!" Hidan wailed, clutching his finger as if it could fall off at any moment. Sasori actually considered kissing it to 'make it better', if it shut him up. But instead, the masochistic Akatsuki turned to his partner, whimpering out another kiss request. Sadly, Kakuzu actually seemed to think about it. "Kakuzu, you cannot honestly--"
"Alright, Hidan! But only if you SHUT UP." He chirped, and leaned down to place a quick peck on the injured digit. Sasori nearly fainted from shock. Instead, he settled for a disturbed twitch and another step away from them.
Hidan, looking like the epitome of grateful, threw his arms around Kakuzu with a yelp of joy. Sasori turned around with a swirl of his cloak, and fled the bizarre and frankly terrifying scene.
The seventeenth hint was what finally woke him up. And only then did Sasori really realize that it had all been a dream. Still, that particular tip-off would sadly remain in his memory bank for quite some time, coming up from time to time in twisted nightmares.
Kabuto was there, leaning sulkily against a wall of the hallway. His arms were crossed, and there was a scowl on his face. Strangely enough, the medic nin was wearing an Akatsuki cloak. Sasori approached him, irritated. How had his subordinate gotten that cloak? "Kabuto-san--" was all he managed to get out. Suddenly, like Deidara had done previously, another shinobi walked out of the wall. His silver, spiky hair, tilted hitai-ate and mask gave him away at once as the infamous Hatake Kakashi, the Copy-Nin. What he was doing in the Akatsuki base, Sasori could only guess at.
The mysterious Konoha ninja strode calmly over toward Kabuto, as if he hadn't a care in the world (as if he didn't care that he was deep in enemy territory). The puppet master only stared dumbly. Kakashi grabbed his spy around the waist, pulling him close. Kabuto slipped his arms around Kakashi's neck, murmuring something Sasori was glad he couldn't hear. He was half thankful that he couldn't gag or watch for long as they proceeded to make out (quite enthusiastically, too). There was a very loud, very Deidara-ish screech of "SASORI-DANNA UN!!" and he felt a very solid, very heavy projectile collide with his back. The impact woke him up, and later Sasori was thankful for it.
Sasori bolted up in bed, surprised that he had fallen asleep at all. With a groan, he ran a hand through his shaggy hair, trying to get several images out of his head. He wouldn't be able to forget this for awhile.
Someone was knocking (more like banging) on his room's door. Judging from the volume of the knocks (bangs), it was probably Kisame or Kakuzu. Hoping dearly it wasn't the latter, Sasori rolled out of bed lazily. He probably couldn't face Kakuzu for awhile after that idiotic dream. (He spared a thought as to wonder where all of that came from, anyway.)
It turned out to be a peeved Kisame, although Itachi was standing beside him. The shark shinobi was gnashing his teeth together angrily, hands clenched on Samehada's hilt and Itachi seemed to be burning holes in the wall with his Mangekyou. This alone alarmed Sasori greatly. "What's the problem?" He asked as emotionlessly as possible. It wouldn't do to get worried over nothing.
"Your partner." Kisame snarled. "Go take care of him. Now." Itachi remained silent, although the murderous intent in his eyes was more than enough agreement.
"…Of course. Deidara." Sasori sighed, and the other two Akatsuki stood aside to let him pass. "I will take care of it."
"You had better."
Sasori found Deidara in the kitchen. The blonde had a wooden spoon in one hand, the other clenched at his side. Several small, clay birds were flying around the room energetically. The Iwa-nin was singing loudly, using the spoon as a microphone. Deidara was actually a fairly good singer, although he was extremely loud. Loud enough that Sasori couldn't tell which song it was until a good bit later. Finally, though, it penetrated his mind. "I'm, so lucky-lucky, I'm, so lucky-lucky, I'm, so lovely-lovely, I'm, so lovely-lovely!! You can fool yourself, I promise it will help. Now every single day, I just wanna hear you say it!" Deidara had gotten thought that much, which, since it was a relatively fast-paced song, wasn't very long. He had gotten through that much before Sasori stomped over, knocked him out with a chop to the side of the neck, bound and gagged him, and retreated back to his room. Deidara woke up, surprised and hurt that Sasori would attack him, and then irate at the fact that it took him over an hour to get out of the ropes he was bound with.
Sasori spent the next week locked in his room, and when Deidara tried to blow the door down, he nearly got impaled by several large, poison-tipped blades. Eventually, with the combined efforts of Kakuzu, Kisame and Deidara, they managed to pull the puppet master from his room. Sasori agreed not to spazz again, but only on the bizarre terms that Deidara never sang again, Kakuzu and Hidan never used the word 'jerk', and that Itachi kill Kakashi when he got the chance to. No one questioned any of these terms, although Deidara looked downcast at his.
"Sasori-danna, what was all that about, un? You've never acted like that before." Deidara asked one day, several weeks after the storm had passed.
"I had a very bad nightmare." The redheaded Akatsuki replied in his usual monotone. Still, his partner was shocked that he admitted such a thing…and that he even dreamed.
"…Ooh, really? What was it about, un? Was it something about your past that you want to forget? I have dreams like that a lot, un--"
"Deidara, shut up." Sasori snapped. "You sang that song, that same song, and many other bad things happened in it." Deidara realized then that it wasn't necessarily a scary dream in the context of horror or terror, but more the kind that was disturbing.
"…Oh…un. Sorry, then, Sasori-danna." He chirped, as cheerful as ever. His partner only sighed in reply. "So then, danna, what else happened in it?"
Feeling irate and wishing to change the subject, Sasori decided to scar Deidara. "Hidan and Kakuzu kissed." It was only a small lie. But the statement had the opposite effect of what he wanted.
"OOH, DANNA. Un. What kind of dreams are you having?! I was in it? What else was I doing? What had this Kakashi-person done? Who else was in it, un?"
"Deidara, SHUT UP before I crush your windpipe."
"…Alright, jeez, un…" There was a long silence, which Sasori was thankful for. But he could only wonder suspiciously what Deidara was plotting next…and he didn't need to wait long after that thought. The blue-eyed blonde started humming that same annoying song. Sasori was instantly trying to grab hold of his throat, to make good on his threat. Deidara only laughed, and created a large, clay bird, fleeing from his fuming partner.
"Deidara, I hope dearly that you have nightmares that scar you for life." Sasori muttered darkly after his retreating figure.