Title: Things Not To Do On the NX-01

Rating: K+

Summary: Some things are just not on…

Disclaimer: I own no Enterprise. Simple. And, honestly, did you really think I did?

This was inspired in part by Skippy's '213 Things…' If you've never heard of it, go google it. Trust me, its hilarious. There is also implied pairings in this: Trip/T'Pol and Malcolm/Hoshi to be precise.

Enjoy, and please R&R.

Things Not To Do On the NX-01

Jon wasn't quite sure where it'd come from. Coffee in hand, he paused next to the sheet of paper tacked up in the Mess Hall, heading for his private dining room and scrambled eggs. He read the single line of scrawled handwriting on the page, and one eyebrow went up in a subconscious imitation of the resident Vulcan.

1. Don't tease the Doc. He will get you back

It was Trip's handwriting. Archer's lips twisted in a wry grin. Thatexplained the odd stains on the engineer's uniform when the two had met in the corridor yesterday evening. Trip had gone bright red at the Captain's queries, muttered something about 'unfair revenge', and ducked inside his quarters.

Archer smiled and headed in for his breakfast.


There was an addition to the fledgling list by lunchtime. The Captain made a bee-line through the crowded Mess to the paper. It was Malcolm this time.

2. Phase pistols – not toys. Understand?

He smirked. That sounded… interesting. He ate his lunch in a hurry; the Brit was on duty on the Bridge. Archer was curious, and if Reed wasn't going to be forthcoming with what had happened, he could always order him.


Crewman Rostov made the next contribution. Archer laughed as he read it.

3. Don't 'borrow' Commander Tucker's spanner. Just… don't. It's not worth it.

Jon shook his head. Trip really did love that spanner.


The next one was up within hours.

4. Think about it. If it sounds like French, but you're on a planet a very long way from Earth, is it really likely to be French?

Hoshi was getting antsy about the lack of appreciation for her skills again. Archer winced. Lieutenant Simmons from Engineering had decided to put his degree to good use on a recent away mission – he ended up being beamed back aboard with a broken arm and several first-degree burns. Apparently 'j'mappelle Jason', when said in a certain way, meant something rather rude in Xarian.

You'd've thought my crew knew better than that after four years, Archer thought ruefully, before heading to Sickbay to visit the hapless Lieutenant.


There had been an impromptu feud between the Starfleet Security personnel and the MACOs: that incident prompted the next entry on the already-famous list.

5. The Pyrithian Bat is not a method for revenge. Leave her alone.

Archer grinned. He'd already gotten an earful about that from Phlox.


The next day, Jon found himself writing up the next entry.

6. Neither is Porthos. Leave him alone.

Honestly, this was getting out of hand.


Two more shot up after Enterprise took on board several new crewmen and MACOs. Apparently Phlox's new helper (the Doctor had finally caved and admitted that his workload was massive) could be quite… open in his appreciation for some of the female crewmember's attributes. Jon read the pair with a grin on his face.

7. Don't hit on Commander T'Pol. I mean it.

8. Don't flirt with Ensign Sato. I have phase pistols.

Trip and Malcolm, Archer thought, rolling his eyes and pulling the top off his own pen. He scribbled up the next one.

9. We have a no-frat policy aboard this ship. Do I need to say more?

Trip appeared beside the Captain and read the new addition. Jon gave his friend a meaningful look, and the engineer just laughed.


Travis was next up.

10. Knock it off guys. Or at least remember to booby-trap the correct console.

Jon laughed. It was another result of the ongoing rivalry in the Security department. The MACOs had gotten onto the Bridge during the night shift in the hopes of sabotaging Lieutenant Reed's console. As a result of their slight… inebriation whilst attempting this, Travis had ended up getting a face full of cream, custard and industrial lubricant. Archer shook his head. He really needed to talk to Malcolm and Major O'Neill about this.


The next entry was sort of mysterious. Archer recognised his Chief Engineer's handwriting, but didn't know what had prompted the command.

11. Stop it. Now.

His spanner maybe? No, Rostov had already warned the crew about that. Jon chewed his lip and crossed his arms. As if summoned, Trip stormed through the doors, pen in hand. He ignored Archer and scrawled the next one up.

12. Replacing a superior officer's coffee with decaf is not funny. I know who you are, and I will find a way to get you court-marshalled if you do it again. For God's sake, have you seen me when I haven't had caffeine?

The engineer capped his pen and turned to Archer. The Captain was trying not to grin. "Commander?" he asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"Hess did it," was all Trip said.


Archer spotted Ensign Barker from Security writing the next one up.

13. Challenging people to duels to the death went out with slavery. Stop it Michaels.

The Ensign turned around and saw Jon, and went bright red. Archer just looked him, a smile twitching at his lips. "Jeffrey keeps getting annoyed with me," he explained, embarrassed. "He's got a strange sense of humour."

"I see."

Jon watched as Barker fled the Mess, and he grinned.


Another away mission gone awry prompted the next entry. The planet in question had possessed a slightly dubious type of airborne pollen that had affected the landing party, consisting of Malcolm, Travis, Crewman Peters from the Science department and Sergeant Pargeter of the MACOs. The four of them had gone… Well, Archer remembered the word Mayweather had used in his report was 'loopy'. Whilst 'loopy', Travis had discovered an alternate use for Shuttlepod One.

14. The shuttlepods are not to be used to 'smush' things.

"Malcolm?" Jon asked, recognising his Tactical Officer's handwriting.

The Brit nodded at the Captain. "Commander Tucker complained quite profusely about having the clean the shuttles," he answered in a bland, professional monotone.

Archer laughed and headed for the Bridge, Malcolm in tow.


The next one was kind of… scary. Trip's handwriting too.

15. No duct-taping people naked to the warp core.

"What the…?" Archer spun around and spotted the engineer in question as he retrieved his morning coffee from the dispenser. Trip saw the Captain's confusion and made his way to Jon's side.


Jon tapped the list.

"Oh that." Trip took a sip of his coffee, making a face. "Starfleet coffee sucks." He took another mouthful nonetheless, and then returned his attention to Archer. "Malcolm's people got hold of Major O'Neill last night. I came in ta pick up ma report, which is now on yer desk, by the way, and spotted the poor fella, drugged up and taped to the side of my engines."

"Ah." What else could he say?

"Cap'n, you really need ta get this feud-thing sorted," Trip advised. "It's getting' ridiculous."

Archer rubbed his temples. "Don't I know it."


The next three were Hoshi's, and all on the same topic.

16. Look, I'm flattered, really, but if you don't stop, I'm going to have to tell Malcolm who you are. I'm not interested.

Archer smirked. The Ensign had obviously gotten another secret admirer. Honestly, I need to get the idea of a 'no-frat policy' through these people's heads! Jon thought despairingly. He read down.

17. Okay, one more chance!

Still not taking the hint. Jon grinned.

18. Malcolm, it was Pargeter.

The Tactical Officer appeared beside Archer. His eyes narrowed as he read the latest three additions. The Brit's eyes alighted on the name. "Sergeant Pargeter," he hissed, before turning on his heel and stalking out of the Mess Hall.

Jon winced. Sergeant? Great. A MACO. As if this damn feud wasn't bad enough already.


The Captain met Trip on his way into the Mess. Jon followed the engineer as he made his way straight to this list and began to scribble. "Another one?" he asked.

"Yeah." Trip pulled back, finished.

19. Malcolm, I've told you about the duct tape!


"Oh yeah." Trip shot Jon a rueful glance. "Why'd Hoshi have to tell him?" he bemoaned.

"Tell you what…" Jon snatched the pen out of his friend's hand and pulled the lid off.

20. Duct tape must now be requested through either Captain Archer or Commander T'Pol and a valid reason must be given.

Trip grinned. "Thanks Cap'n!"

"Don't mention it," Archer replied, still smiling. "But you are explaining that to T'Pol..."