Spoiler Stories from Beyond the Grave or Monkey Time


These are little vignettes inspired by spoilers about up coming episodes (that may or may not be true) abounding on the Interweb – cos it is just fun to imagine the dialogue.

Don't piss off your clinic patient if they are a cop:

"You are under arrest."

"Oh come on," he said in disbelief. "Look I'm sorry about the exam thing okay? How about I bring you some donuts tomorrow and we call it a night?"

"You are now also charged with attempting to bribe a police officer and resisting arrest."

He looked at the guy in disbelief. "I'm a cripple dude." He waggled the cane. "Do you really think I am going to run away?"

But the guy didn't get the joke. In fact he looked down right scary.

"Drop the cane, put your hands on your head and turn around now."

He looked into the other man's eyes. Jesus, this bastard was serious. And he was bigger than him. And he was a cop: a fact he wished he'd known before, so he probably had a gun. He let the cane go, wincing as he heard it hit the pavement.

Not taking his eyes off the cops he slowly put his hands on his head and then turned around, waiting. Come on you bastard, get this over with. Have your fun. But he couldn't help taking a deep breath when he felt the cop grab his wrist and roughly frisk him. Hoboy he thought as his arms were pulled behind him. This is real.

"So how are you going to get the cripple into the car now?" he asked, motioning toward his discarded cane.

The cop grabbed a handful of the collar of his motorcycle jacket and pulled him up a good few inches. "Well," he said softly into his right ear. "Either you walk or I drag you. Take your pick."

Bastard. "I'll walk."

Wilson to the rescue (as usual) and bails House out:

"What took you so long? God the singing guy was driving me mad."

"I normally don't have 15 grand floating around in my loose change jar."

"Didn't I tell you: you should always keep a 'get Greg out of jail' stash?

"But you haven't been arrested in years, well a couple of years."

"Not that you know of anyway."


"You were away at a conference." House paused. "And I am so not paying you back."

Always come clean with your boss (but not when she is hitting the frozen yogurt):

"He told me."

"Who told you and what did he tell you?"

"Did you get arrested?"

"Let me guess. Rectal Thermometer Guy has been back again. Relax, he just pulled me over for speeding. It was no big deal."

"That's not what he says."

"He's a bully," he whined. "He tripped me and made me fall and everything."

"And like you don't bully people?"

"I'm a cripple. How can I beat up people?"

"You do have a great big stick you carry around with you all the time," she said dryly.

"But it's a 'stick of love'."

She sighed. And I know exactly where to stick it. "Please tell me you are not."

"Not doing what?"

"Well I'm not prescribing for you and neither," She paused for effect. "To my knowledge is Wilson."

Oh shit.

"You don't know everything."

"So is Wilson prescribing for you?"


"If I ask him that will he says yes too?"


"What do you mean maybe?"

"House," she warned.

"Depends where he is, when you ask him and how fast I am."

She put her hands in her head. "Oh God House no, and I thought the carpet thing was bad."

The cop finds like millions of Vicodin:

He looked around at the devastation that was his apartment. He'd been made to watch as the cop had systematically destroyed his apartment. Now the big cop bully was standing in front of him waggling his precious coveted stash of Vicodin and looking at him disapprovingly. He reminded him of his father.

"Far far too many drugs here Doctor House."

He forced himself to stay still as the cop walked slowly around and stood behind him. The bastard was really enjoying this, but this time he knew the drill.

"Are you going to resist this time?"

He looked down, glancing at his cane on the couch wondering if he could get to it in time. "No," he said.

"No Officer."

He gritted his teeth. "No Officer."

He didn't listen as he heard the cop spouting off the usual words as he handcuffed him, something about fraud and possession with intent to sell and supply, but he blanched as the cop said that he would have to talk to Doctor Wilson. He looked round at the cop, saw his smug look and realised that he had begun to sweat.