My beloved Captain Sparrow,

You should know me by now, my love. I just wrote this to prove how deep my love is for you.

Well, I will explain it anyway, just in case you've just finished your rum. My name is Catherine Ursula Regina Josephine Constantina Marie Fiona Turnerina…or you can just call me Kate. Obviously, I come from the year 2006, if that is not already apparent with the way I dress…or my lack of dressing. Sorry, sort of distracted there. One night, when I walked home after watching Dead Man's Chest, I fell and hit my head. When I woke up the next morning, I was on this ship, or boat, or whatever you call this thing.

I'm sure you must have noticed me, since we then pledged our undying love to one another in your cabin. Well, I will describe my appearance anyway, so you can see what you gained by loving me. My eyes are amber/purplish-green, with flecks of gold that reflect the colour of spring. I am so beautiful; it's so hard to describe it…just think of me as the equivalent of Helen of Troy. My hair is curly blonde, at shoulder length, and can be straightened or curled at my whim. In fact, I've never suffered a bad hair day in my entire life! My fashion sense is fantastic.

Despite all of my good qualities, I had a tragic past. While on our Hawaiian cruise, my family got attacked by a pirate ship, in 2005. I jumped overboard and swam to the island where they shot that TV show, "Lost". From there I was rescued, but I never saw my family again.

I can contribute a lot as your wife and crewmember. Despite my slenderness, gentleness, and youth, I'm a very skilled sword-fighter, even better than the Turner lad, who was supposed to be the best. I haven't been on a ship or boat or other things-that-float-at-sea, but I am an excellent sea strategist; better than that ex-Commodore Norrington, anyway. I know how to navigate across the seven seas by looking at the stars, so you don't need to worry about your compass. I also possess supernatural powers that can defeat Davy Jones and the British Royal Navy, and that awful Beckett.

I fell in love with you at first sight. You are my soul mate, my only true love. I know we will be happy together and I can give you so much! Please return my letter with your pledge of love for me, so that I can keep that for our grandchildren.

Deeply in love,


Dear Mary Sue # 2981,

STAY AWAY FROM ME! You're delusional! If you think I ever want to get married and have kids, you must be crazier than I initially thought.

I have to renew my restraining orders against all of you people. I wonder if I can do them in bulk…

If you are on board my beloved ship, as your delusional mind claims to be, please help yourself to jumping overboard, or else I will ask you to walk the plank.

Go to haunt someone else, like that whelp Turner, that bloody Norrington, or even better: Beckett, if it strikes your fancy.

My love is, and always was, the sea, and I can't stay with only one single woman. Why do you think I so often get slapped in the first place?

PS: If you've never been on a boat/ship in your life, what do you think you were doing on that cruise? Not that I know what a cruise is, but I gather if you could swim ashore you must have been on a ship or boat. Why do I even bother asking you this? Who cares about all those inconsistencies in your letter, as you won't be here for very much longer, anyway? I'm off to get my rum now, and you will be very sorry if I still see you on board when I leave my cabin.

Deeply troubled,

Captain Jack Sparrow

Captain's Note:

That was a sample of one of the many Mary Sue love letters I'm always getting. Might not be so representative, but I don't want to make you sick with some worse letters. I don't know why, but I get a lot of letters from different people, including the whelp, Turner, that rum-burner, Elizabeth, bloody Norrington, Barbossa, Tia Dalma, Governor Swann, and even Beckett. Somehow, I've become an agony aunt and I don't know how they can always find me in the first place. If you're interested in seeing those letters (don't worry, they're not all love letters… well, mostly not) or if you want to ask me some questions yourself (might as well answer all of your questions if I do it, even for Beckett), please let me know by reviewing this.

For those who're wondering whatever happened to the "The Woes of POTC Characters", sudoku said it'll be updated sometime in November, perhaps by late November. Sudoku said it's hard to get the right amount of humour in the story while also getting into the heads of different characters, so doing other hard tasks that have clear-cut deadlines is more fun, (being sarcastic of course).

If you haven't read and reviewed "The Woes of POTC Characters", what are you waiting for? My rum? My compass?

Sudoku's note:

Thanks to Jinxeh for beta-reading it for me