99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Disclaimer: noun (law) a voluntary repudiation of a person's legal claim to something. I claim no legal ownership to Kingdom Hearts. 覚えるますか?

This Chapter Rated for swearing, mild Christy Carlson Romano bashing, slightly heavier Jesse McCartney bashing, and some suggestive stuff.

Dedicated to Vixen2004

One: There are some people I'd take a bullet for, and others I'd like to put a bullet in.

"Day two on the road, 5 pm. There is now silence in the car, mostly because Kairi refuses to speak to me as I'm an asshole, and because Sora and Riku have had a lover's quarrel. The tension in the car is so think I could cut through it with a knife. Perhaps Sora will finally see that we should just pull over, kick Riku and Kairi out, drive to Vegas and get married. Or perhaps I should shut up now. Kairi looks murderous. Like she's going to break my tape recorder. Again."

Kairi turned her attention back to the map once the device was back in my pocket. I mentally scoffed. I didn't need a map! I knew exactly where I was going.

I glanced through the rearview mirror at Sora, who was hunched up against the door, nose pressed to the window, a cute pout on his lips. Riku gave me the finger. Just wait, Riku Unmei... I'm leaving you at the next gas station. You'll be stuck there, and eventually they'll force you to work, cleaning the bathrooms. You'll have to live off of Red Bull and Milky Way. I grinned. That's exactly what I would do. And then I'd find a way to ditch Kairi. Then I'd drive this stupid soccer mom-mobile to Vegas.

"Kindly stop undressing my boyfriend with your dirty, perverted eyes, Moreu," Riku growled.

Sora turned around and hissed something in his direction that I didn't quite catch. Then those cerulean eyes flashed a look of pure spite in my direction and the whole goddamn minivan swerved. Kairi threw me a glare that clearly meant, If you so much as scratch this car, I will kill you. I dutifully turned my attention back to the road. Out of the corner of my eye, Kairi was flipping through her CD case.

Crap. Please. What did I do to deserve this?

In addition to the countless other things Kairi and I didn't agree on, music fell under the "If I have to listen to this for another second I will shoot myself" end for me and the "I think my eardrums are bleeding" end for Kairi. I liked anything heavy and angsty and dark. Kairi was all about the sugar, spice, and everything girl music. Kelly Clarkson. Mariah Carey. So when The first lines of "Beautiful Soul" filled the car, I had to fight the urge to rip the evil radio/ CD player thing out of the Odyssey and throw it out the window. Who in their right minds sings about wanting a girl's soul? Was this Jesse McCartney guy some sort of soul-sucking zombie? No. He was probably just gay and in denial. Guys don't want souls. They want curves. At least the heterosexual ones.

You're the one I wanna chase

You're the one I wanna hold

I wont let another minute go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

My hands tightened on the wheel. Kairi was smiling and actually quietly singing along. Someone just shoot me.

"We can stop for dinner in an hour," Kairi decided. Riku and Sora muttered an affirmative from the backseat.

After ten minutes of Jesse soul-sucking-pansy McCartney, I was treated to some very bouncy song by some chick named Christy Carlson Romano. It was a horrible product of 1 part country, 3 parts pop, and 6 parts fluffy lyrics. Someone needed to introduce this girl to the 'real world'.


The Honda once again swerved dangerously, and this time I was spared Kairi's death glare because she too had turned around to see what was wrong. Sora never called his boyfriend a pervert. Usually that term of endearment was reserved for me. Riku's arms were wrapped loosely around Sora's waist, and Sora, bless him, was trying to push him away.

"Hands off him or I'll kick you out of my car, Unmei," I said.

"It's my mom's car," Kairi corrected.

"I'm driving."

"AXEL, YOU IDIOT!! KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!!" Sora snapped, sending me another sky blue glare. I complied immediately. Riku let go of Sora, who promptly kicked Riku in the shin. Hard.

"What's with you two?" Kairi asked.

Sora squirmed.

Riku smirked.

I had the feeling that I wasn't going to like this at all. Sora murmured something unintelligible.


"Kairi... just leave him alone," I heard myself say.

She scowled at me. "Something's bothering him and I want to know what it is so that I can fix it."

I shrugged in defeat. Personally, I didn't want to know. After all, Riku was involved.

"Rikuwasmolestingme!" Sora finally said, giving in under the pressure of Kairi's concerned, motherly gaze. She blinked.

"Riku... Was. Molesting... you?" she asked, dumbstruck. Eyes on the road Axel. Eyes on the road.

Sora nodded.

"But he's your boyfriend!" she interjected, obviously confused. "I thought he did that all the time."

"But not in the bathroom!" Sora cried, throwing Riku a nasty look.

Too much information already. I looked over my shoulder, catching Riku's satisfied smirk before knowing it was safe to move into the next lane. I figured it was about time to start looking for an exit.

"Axel!" Sora suddenly cried, bouncing. "Look! Get out here! Here!"

I did as I was told wondering what in the world was up. Then I saw the golden arches and understood. Doubtless Sora wanted a happy meal. He may be sixteen, but when it comes to his appetite, he's actually about five. Kairi made a face, and I had the feeling that she was going to start complaining about her diet. Riku just watched Sora bounce up and down.

"I hate MacDonald's... everything is so fattening."

"Oh, come now, Kairi," I insisted, pulling into a parking space, "A pretty girl like you shouldn't worry about her figure."

She raised an eyebrow and 'hmph'ed. "Axel Moeru, flattery will get you nowhere."

"Believe me, I know," I retorted, putting the Honda in park. "But seriously, Kairi. You don't need a fucking diet. You're a skinny noodle." I grinned.

She glared.

Riku and Sora laughed.

Somehow, I knew I was going to be paying dearly for that remark later. But later was a long way off. We entered the bright world of MacDonald's, Sora immediately launching into a very loud rant about there being hypodermic needles and feces in the ball pit, something he'd read on MySpace. Seven children were instantly plucked from the play area, wailing their fat, hairy heads off until they could be consoled with little plastic toys.

I ordered a Big Mac, Riku ordered a Filet-o-Fish meal, Kairi a chicken salad, and Sora a chicken nuggets Happy Meal. The fast food took only minutes to get to us, and we all went to fill our cups, Sora snatching handfuls of ketchup packets. We squeezed into a horrible plastic booth, Kairi picking at her salad and muttering about how many calories it probably contained. Sora sat next to me across from Riku, and within a few moments a kick fest had begun under the table.

"Axel, take your hand off my thigh!" Sora squeaked.

"Oh, was that your thigh?" I asked innocently.

"Moeru, hands off now. Or you'll find that Big Mac shoved up your small-"

I snatched my hand away. Damn.

Kairi sighed and poked at her salad. She'd barely touched it.

"Kairi," I warned. "We've still got hours to go until we stop at a hotel for the night, so you'd better eat that. I'm not pulling over for Twinkies and organic milk."

She glared and pointed her fork threateningly at me. "You wouldn't... but Sora would."

I blinked. What was she implying?

"Sora, I think you should take a turn driving. You brought your permit, right?"



Now, don't get me wrong. I love Sora. Really. But I'd sooner go all the way to Japan to get Kairi's organic soy milk than climb into a car with Sora Hikari driving. Unfortunately, Sora loved to drive. He thought he was master off all roads or something. So there was no way in hell he was turning down that suggestion.

"Actually, I forgot..." Sora admitted sheepishly.

I breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't looking forward to sitting though a few hours of Sora bouncing in the driver's seat, swerving madly, opening all the windows, and insisting that he was driving a spaceship.

Once we'd eaten and taken our bathroom breaks, we left the restaurant, Kairi having bought a fashion magazine from the adjacent gas station, Sora launching into another hypodermic needles conspiracy.

"And that's why you always check under the handle before you pump gas!"

So it wasn't until we got back onto the freeway that I noticed someone was missing. Not that I cared. In fact, I was certain this was a good omen. But Kairi, finished reading her horoscope – "Bad time for traveling." – noticed.

"Uh... Sora? Where's Riku?"

"I locked him in the bathroom."

"WHAT?!" Kairi screeched. "Axel, turn this car around right now! I can't believe you did that, Sora!"

"Payback," the brunet explained.

I had to smile.

"Axel! We have to go back for him!"

I sighed.

"Oh look... I just missed the exit..."

Kairi reached for her CD wallet. "Unless you want to be stuck listening to 'Beautiful Soul' for the remainder of the trip..."

She didn't have to finish that sentence.

Riku had been left in the restroom for nearly half an hour by the time we came to the rescue. He gave Sora hell for it, but admitted he might have deserved it, and apologized. Sora allowed himself to be dragged into the bathroom for... uh... further apology.

Naturally we were kicked out and banned from all MacDonald's in the area.

An hour later we were on the freeway again, Jesse McCartney free. Now, if I could only get Sora to stop singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" and get this mini van to Vegas sans Riku and Kairi, I'd be one happy pyro. Unfortunately, our final destination was Roxas Hikari, Sora's twin brother, who lived in Orlando, Florida.

How did I manage to get myself into this mess?

Well, it's a long story, But I think I've got time.

- The Writer

Ending Note: After writing Ever Heard of Public Transportation?, I figured a bigger AxelRoxas story was in order. Not exactly my OTP, but hey. Axel is fun to write.

And yeah, I was going to wait until my other KH fic was done, but hell, it only needs one chapter.