As I walked through my bedroom door I went straight for the phone, to call you and tell you how bad the day had been. I knew you could make me laugh cheer me up...
I had dialled half the number before I remembered. It's funny how we forget, isn't it? How even though I woke up this morning crying after seeing you die all over again in my dreams, I forgot that you wouldn't be in your apartment, you wouldn't be able to cheer me up...
It's been almost a month now, Andy, and it's not getting any easier. I still can't believe you're gone, can't face the fact that I'll never again see you smile, hear your voice. I can't believe I let you go, I let you die.
A few days ago, I walked by your old apartment. No one's moved in yet. I wanted to just go inside and curl up on the floor. I wanted to feel you were close to me again. It hurts to much to look at your picture, though. The one I had on my window sill is in the bottom of my wardrobe with the photo albums. I can't face looking at you're face, it hurts to much to see you, even in my dreams.
Sometimes I see you die again, and again, and again, crashing across the room while I do nothing to help. I can almost see the life seep out of you.
And now, as I sit on the edge of my bed, the loss now fresh again, I can almost feel your touch. I can almost smell you, almost hear your breath in my ear. I'd give anything to bring you back, you know that. I can feel your arms around me...
"Andy?" I murmured, but of course I didn't hear you speak. But I know it's you, I can sense you. "Let me see you..." I plead. "Please..." But you don't. Maybe you can't let me see you, maybe it's not your choice. Instead, I feel your hand touch my cheek, brush away the tears I didn't even know were there. And then, suddenly, I'm not in my room anymore, or on my bed. My ankles are lost in the swirl of clouds, the air is almost damp, and I'm on the swing seat, our old swing seat. And you...
"Andy." I smiled as I took in your sight, sat next to me. I flung my arms around you and just hugged you, to afraid to let you. "You're back." I murmured. I knew you weren't back, I knew nothing could bring you back, but for that moment I needed to believe it. And you didn't stop me, you knew too.
"Prue, you have to let me go." You whispered, and I drew back. "I love you, I'll always love you, but you have to carry on, try not to think about me so much." How did you know I was always thinking of you?
"I can't forget you." I told you, and you nodded.
"I don't expect you to. But stop blaming yourself for what happened to me, and stop wishing I was back. You can't move on if -"
"I don't want to move on. I don't deserve to."
"It's all my fault you died, it's all my fault. I deserve to live with that, I deserve to feel the guilt."
"No, no, it's not your fault. Don't ever say that."
"I let you die." I whispered. "I should have stopped it, and I didn't."
"You couldn't." He corrected. "It was my time. I told you this. I know it's going to take time, but please stop blaming yourself. Please let me go..."
"If I do, I'll never see you again." I whispered, and then I realised that the other dreams I had, where you came and held me while I cried, I realised they were real, they weren't dreams.
"I'll always be with you." He promised. "But you need to let me go, and find someone else to love, and be happy, without me..."
"I can't be happy without you." I told you.
"You can. You will be."
"If I - If I don't find anyone else, will you wait for me?"
"I would wait forever if I had to." You promised me. "Try to find someone else, try to. Promise me."
"I promise. But I don't think there's anyone else. Only you."
"Just try. Please."
"I'll try..." I murmured. "Will you - will you still visit me? In my dreams?" I was almost too scared to ask, in case the answer was no. But you gave me that smile.
"I shouldn't do. I shouldn't have done. but yes... when you need me to, I'll come."
"I promise you." You whispered, and then you kissed me one last time...
When I opened my eyes, I was back on my bed. The necklace you gave me, all those years ago, the one I'd kept on my dresser since you died, it had moved. When you gave me it, you told me it was because I was your girl and you were my guy. But now it was hanging from my jewellery box. I crossed the room, picked it up.
"I'll always be your girl." I whispered, the put it in the box and closed the lid. "I'll never forget you..."