Disclaimer – I do not own Gundam Seed.
Okay this story totally disregards the other one I wrote about the safe sex conversation for Athrun and Cagalli, The Talk. I got a request from skywolf666 to do one about Kira and Lacus but I decided to do something a bit different. Enjoy!
I'd Rather Be
Fighting The War
written by: ohwhatsherface
"Okay, I of all people don't need this talk!" Kira Yamato shouted with a blush on his face. "Trust me, Mu."
Mu La Flaga said nothing as Kira struggled to get out of the room, pressing buttons on the wall beside the exit. "Stop trying to hack into the system. Murrue has this room safely locked. None of you are getting out of here until I have this conversation with you." Kira sighed and sat down between Athrun Zala and Dearka Elsman. The three gundam pilots before the older man were glaring at him. Mu scowled. "It's not like I want to be doing this!"
"Where the heck is Sai?" Kira exclaimed. "He should be here too! This isn't fair!"
"Sai is on duty," Mu said nonchalantly, flipping through the book in his hands. "Murrue told me to make sure you, Kira, of all people attend this little meaning."
"Look, Old Man, we're not some little kids. We know what sex is," Dearka informed dryly.
"Yes, I know you know what sex is." The Strike pilot groaned. "Look—" He pointed to a camera. "—Murrue is watching to make sure I actually give you kids this talk. She's not opening that door for any of us—not even me—until I explain to you what sex is, pregnancy, STDs—or actually you're all Coordinators so I guess I can skip that—and lastly…" He paused and then chuckled. "Well for some reason she wants me to teach you three how to properly court a girl. Apparently, those three chicks you like, gossip to the Captain and she thinks you can use some improvement on how to treat a lady." He groaned and got off of the table he was sitting on. He went over to a white plastic board and took out a marker; he was going to teach the old fashioned way. "Now what topic would you like to do first?"
"None of them!" Kira shouted.
Athrun shrugged and leaned across the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. "Might as well begin with the basics…"
Dearka smirked and spoke in a sing-song sort of voice. "Athrun doesn't know what sex is, you little virgin."
The blue haired Coordinator snorted. "Like you're any better."
"Screw you!" Dearka scowled at him. "I bet I've had more opportunities than you have!"
Kira cut in. "Dearka, he was engaged…"
"Yeah!" Athrun piped up with a nod. The three teenagers were ignoring Mu, who was trying to teach them. "And I've had another opportunity, thank you very much." He narrowed his green eyes at Dearka and then smirked. "Remember that time when I first became Commander and I got marooned on island at the beginning of March?" Dearka nodded. "Well I wasn't the only person on that island. There was a girl."
The blond smirked back. "But I bet you didn't even get to see this chick in her underwear!"
"Yes I did," Athrun smugly retorted. "And she flashed me."
"Wait…" Kira and Mu interrupted. "Last March…?"
Mu gawked. "Could is have been—"
"—Cagalli?!" Kira shouted, brotherly instincts entering his system. Both he and Mu felt somewhat irked by Athrun's confession; they spent an entire night worrying all about her and she was busy flirting with someone? He grabbed the collar of Athrun's red ZAFT uniform. "You saw my sister naked?!"
Dearka pointed an accusing finger at Athrun. "That's what you get for showing off!"
"Okay, enough!" Mu shouted. The three teenagers all looked at him then went back to floating around calmly. "Thank you. Now, let's talk—"
"Question! If a girl just about hates you—even tried to kill you when you first met—how do you have sex with her?" Dearka asked.
"You have sex with her like you would have sex with anyone you moron," Athrun said. "It's a matter of getting her to stop hating you first."
"Oh, okay, thanks. Question!" Dearka raised his hand up and began waving it around. "What's it like to have sex with no gravity?"
The blond adult shrugged and looked over at Kira. "You think you can take this for me?"
Kira guffawed at Mu's request. "What the hell kind of question is that?! You are the one who's supposed to be teaching!" The brunette looked away in embarrassment for the nth time. "Besides, I wouldn't even know!" he exclaimed.
Athrun smirked at him. "I knew you were still a virgin!"
"No, I'm not!"
"There's nothing to prove to anyone here, Kira," Dearka teased. "As pathetic as it is, it's not like Athrun or I am any better." He sighed dramatically and shook his head. "I guess that's the crappiest thing about being a soldier… Not many girls." He smirked. "But now, on this ship—"
"SERIOUSLY!" They stopped talking once again. Mu spoke through clenched teeth. "Guys, I am trying to teach you about—"
"Sex," Athrun dully interrupted. "Yes, we know. The penis goes into the vagina, big freaking deal."
Mu glared at the bored sixteen-year-old. "Sex is a very big deal! Okay think of it like this. Let's say you and Island Girl—who we will assume was not Cagalli—" He made sure to add the last bit as he looked over at Kira, "had sex. Then five months later you see her again and find out that she's pregnant. What would you do?"
"Oh that's easy!" Dearka responded. "Just pretend I didn't see her."
Their teacher fought the urge to strangle Dearka. He groaned and turned to Kira. "And what's your answer?"
"…Island Girl is my sister…"
He really wondered if he was anything like these three when he was sixteen. "Oh never mind! And you, Athrun?"
"I wouldn't have sex with Island Girl…" Athrun replied. "Island Girl shot me when she saw me and hit my arm, stole my gun when I was sleeping, and then threw the loaded gun, causing it to misfire and shoot me. I really wouldn't be in the mood for sex after all of that…"
"Question! Let's say there's this girl but she's pretty much the epitome of all things innocent and pure." As Dearka spoke, he eyed Kira. "How do you screw her?"
Commander La Flaga looked at the camera as he pointed to his three students. "Do you see what you are making me work with Murrue?!"
Dearka raised his hand in the air again and waved it around. "Question! When this is all over, are you going to give us dirty magazines and condoms?"
Mu looked at him incredulously. "No! This talk is supposed to make you not have sex!" He ignored the three different snorts he received and mischievous smiles. "And what the hell, dirty magazines? Why would I give you those?"
"For the sake of having dirty magazines…" Kira said with a shrug.
"I am so close to strangling you guys!" Mu shouted.
Athrun chuckled light heartedly. "We all know about sex, I'm sure that's obvious. As for the matter of pregnancy," Athrun cringed, "well it's not so great up in the PLANTs so you don't have to worry about it." He counted things off with his finger. "Which just leaves… proper courtship…" Athrun groaned.
"What now, Elsman?" Mu ground out.
"Do we even have dirty magazines on this ship?" asked the blond.
Mu took a beep breath and then chucked the book about sexual intercourse and natural conception over to Dearka, aiming for his head. With his Coordinator reflexes and a large, smug grin on his face, Dearka flawlessly caught the flying pocket book. "That's probably the closest thing to a dirty magazine on this ship, Elsman. Take it. Knock yourself out." He narrowed his blue eyes as they met Dearka's lavender ones. "But when I get this back, it better not be sticky or anything." He cleared his throat and changed the subject. "Now, onto the only topic that really matters to you guys because you need to master it before you get the chance to have sex, courtship."
Kira blinked. "Like…pick up lines?" He laughed. "Hey guys, what's the cheesiest one you've ever used?"
"Excuse me, do you have a phone number, I've seen to have lost mine," Dearka said cheerfully.
"Have you ever gotten a number like that?" Athrun asked.
Athrun nodded. "Wow… I have to admit, I'm impressed—"
"No!" Mu shouted. "That's not how you get a girl to like you, Elsman! Cheesy pick up lines do not work at all! You have to be courteous, sweet, kind and so on. Give her flowers, give her candy, comfort her when she's sad, make her laugh, and so much more."
The three boys looked around awkwardly. "Er…"
Mu threw the marker he had on the floor furiously.
"That's it. Forget it! I don't teach Sex Ed and I sure as hell don't teach dating tips!" He glared at the camera. "Murrue let us out of here now or I swear I might kill one of them. Tell those little girls they're probably better off lesbians or something because these boys are hopeless!"
The door opened up immediately and Mu flew out.
Dearka hummed as he flipped through the pages of the book Mu had thrown at him.
He looked up and saw Kira and Athrun watching him.
"Oh, did you guys wanna see the dirty magazine…?"
X3 Just enjoying aggravating poor Mu!