Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts isn't mine, only the name's/stuff you don't recognize~
Chapter 8: Interude Attitude
Morning: The Castle That Never Was (Yet Is Anyway)
Nexas was walking nonchalantly through the halls of TCTNW, singing to himself. It was something he liked to do while contemplating how to destroy Startix.
Gotta stay busy, right? And what pray tell was he singing? You figure it out.
"Brain wave, main wave, psycho got a high kick—"
"Collect and select, show me your best set." came a chirpy female voice.
Nexas froze, nervously looking for the source. "Huh." he said, turning back. "Must just be my imagination." He went back to singing. "Crystals, blisters, it's all over now—"
"Psycho cane, you're so keen, need more candy canes." came the voice again.
Nexas whirled around again, looking more scared. "Okay, seriously, what the hell!?" There was no response and he expected none. "Damned castle." he mumbled, continuing his walk. "All the white freaking plays tricks on you. Cold cake, cold break, freak got a high kick—"
"Mr. Twister, moist with roistering—"
"Okay, that's fucking IT!" Nexas summoned his staff and waved it around the empty corridor. "Show yourself, song-stealer!!"
A split-second later, a dart struck him in the back of the neck. He fell to the ground with a loud crunch, unconscious. Another moment later, blood pooled around his head.
"Gentlemen, we have a problem."
Axel, Demyx, Roxas, Zexion and Xigbar turned to Startix, who was seated at the end of the table, eyes lowered in seriousness. They were all gathered in the Chamber of Sloth, seated at the massive table in the middle of the room.
"We're out of Mallomars?" asked Demyx nervously.
"No, Demyx, we are not out of—"
"Oh, God, we ARE, aren't we!?" He began crying exaggeratedly. "I don't wanna live in a castle without Mallomars!"
"Demyx, if you would just—"
"I can't even make it through a morning without them!" he wailed, flailing his hands about in a style that would caramelize Jack from Will & Grace.
"SHUT THE HELL UP!!" hollered Startix, standing up and brandishing his giant paintbrush at the blubbering Nocturne's face. "So help me god, Demyx, if you interrupt me one more time, I'll send you to Guantanamo Bay! Oh, the boys'll love you there!"
Demyx sniffled. "Do they have Mallomars?"
"Nope. Nothing but cock-meat sandwiches year-round, boychick."
"Piss me off again, you'll find out."
Demyx went silent.
"Now, then." Startix sat down. "Our problem. It appears we have a pig in our truffle patch."
"Come again?" quizzed Zexion, cocking his eyebrow.
"We have a fly on our wall."
Startix sighed and rubbed his temples. "There is a strip of bacon in our seafood salad."
"…I'm…not…I-I don't…" stammered Zexion.
"Do I have a speech impediment?" snapped Startix, twirling his brush. "Do I have peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth? Is there an invisible glass wall between you and me muffling my voice? Look, look, I'll say it in words even you guys could understand." Startix took a deep breath. "We…have…someone…in…the…castle…that…should…not…be…here…"
A loud, enlightened 'oh' went around the table.
"Wait, how do you know that?" asked Roxas.
"Oh. Simple. I set up cameras in every single visible point in the castle."
A cold chill suddenly befell the hall.
"Does…" squeaked Demyx. "Does Larxene know?"
Startix laughed. "Does she know? Demy, it was her idea!"
The hall became even colder.
"SAїX! SAїX!!" Xigbar pounded on the Luna Diviner's door. "We've got a problem, dude!"
The door flew open, nearly slamming into the shooter's head. Saїx towered there like a gothic clock, cloaked in a malevolent aura, golden eyes blazing with the intent to kill. Dark clouds gathered around his window, thunder booming and lightning crackled, showing his currently spiky shadow. He clenched his fists and glared down, the temperature dropping at least 90 degrees. In a menacing, wolf-like snarl capable of sending Jack the Ripper into catatonia, Number VII voiced his irritation in a single word.
Xigbar cringed and inched back several meters. "Um, Xemnas needs to see you for something."
Instantly, Saїx's mood changed. The clouds disappeared and his shadow was replaced with a bird of paradise. Sun shone through his windows and birds flocked to his windowsill, chirping a song as his eyes lit up like a Christian schoolgirl's. He clapped his hands together excitedly. "Oh! Well, why didn't you say so?" he said, bouncing up and down. "Tell him I'll be there in a few minutes, I need to fix my hair." Mumbling about split ends and spit curls, Saїx went back into his room, leaving Xigbar thoroughly fucking stunned.
"I've gotta stop drinking." he said, putting on a pair of blood-red earmuffs. He clicked a button on the right muff and sighed happily as Mastodon blared into his ears, Cut You Up With A Linoleum Knife screaming out. He summoned his guns and teleported to the shooting range, whistling along.
Nexas was still unconscious.
"So who's the intruder?" asked Axel, pretending to look interested but was instead wondering exactly how much pudding Roxas' ass could take.
Startix narrowed his eyes. "You don't know her."
"Oh, it's a girl?" said Demyx, brightening. "That makes things easier."
"Said the kid who hauled ass from a dog."
"It had THREE HEADS! How many more times do I need to say it?!"
"'It had three heads, it had three heads, wah, wah, wah'—would you grow a pair!?" hissed Startix. "Axel over here BLEW HIMSELF UP! And Roxas took down I dunno know how many Heartless in the space of a secret ending timeframe and all you had to do was steal a fancy gold disk!"
Demyx hung his head in shame.
"So it's a girl, what's the deal?" asked Roxas.
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S LIKE!!" yelled Startix, slamming his fist on the table. "Picture this: the worst nightmare you've ever had, here in this room. Roxas, imagine Axel topping you."
Said Key of Destiny spit out a large gulp of punch he was just drinking. "W-w-what are you talking about!? Topping me in what!?"
"Topping your high score in Mrs. Pac-man, you oblivious little—topping you in sex, you dim-bulb!!"
Everyone suddenly realized at this moment that Startix spending most of his time with Larxene was having an effect on his personality. He was slowly becoming like her: snappy, bitter, sarcastic, quick to hurt Demyx's feelings…
It was creepy; it was like asexual reproduction.
The lights suddenly clicked out, covering the castle in total darkness. A loud, high-pitch, 8 year-old girl scream rang out. It took a few moments to realize it was Demyx.
"WHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOWHATDOWEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!?!!?!?!?!!?!?" screamed Demyx busting Zexion's eardrum, causing him to pass out.
"If I wasn't so FUCKING SURE you would die or go to sleep, I'd beat you senseless, Demyx! SHUT THE HELL UP!!" He shut the hell up.
Startix snapped his fingers and several Gummi NoLess appeared, bowing, their silhouettes barely visible in the darkness. "Two of you, take Zexion to his room and try and wake him up as hard as possible. I mean it; stab him if you have to." They responded with a series of gurgles and clicks. "The rest of you, find anyone who's sleeping in the castle, wake them up and for the LOVE OF JENOVA'S NIPPLES, KEEP. THEM. AWAKE."
"Why?" asked Axel, looking worried in the darkness.
"Cause if you don't I'll violate you with a wine bottle and a jar of mayonnaise. Tout de suite!!" he yelled, clapping his hands and disappearing.
Saїx teleported into Xemnas grand hall, flattening down a stray hair. "You requested my presence, sir?"
Xemnas turned to Saїx and the blue-haired man gasped.
Where his face used to be was a hole; a large gaping hole that looked like an ice-cream scoop to his face.
"S-s-Superior?" stuttered Saїx.
Thick, green slime oozed from the hole, pouring down across the floor. Splotches of red appeared across the slime, growing larger. It shocked Saїx when he realized it was blood. The drops quickly turned into small copies of Xemnas face, grotesquely distorted and warped.
"WHY, SAїX…?" they said in harsh, raspy voices that peeled the paint off the walls. "JUDAS…"
Saїx backed up, only to be met with wall. He looked up to see that the door had disappeared, as though it was wall ever since. "What the--!?"
He turned around to see the blood-faces, floating up and moving towards him. "TREASON…" they rasped. Saїx sunk to the floor, sweating nervously. "What are you talking about!?"
"YOU BETRAYED ME…" the croaked, moving ever closer. "YOU KILLED ME…"
Saїx looked shocked, curling up on the floor. "What!?" he said. "I did nothing of the sort!"
"JUDAS…" the faces moaned, surrounding him from every angle.
"I didn't betray you!" he wailed, covering his ears.
"YOU KILLED ME…"
"WHY DID YOU KILL ME…?"
"EVERYTHING I DID FOR YOU…"
"I MADE YOU MY SECOND-IN-COMMAND…"
"YOU DESERVE TO DIE…"
"DIE AND BECOME NOTHING…"
Saїx was hugging his knees to his chest now, pupils shrinking. "SHUT UP!" he said, banging his head against the wall. "I WOULD NEVER BETRAY YOU!!"
Saїx's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell to the ground, blood dribbling from his eyes.
Larxene. Was. Pissed. Which could only mean one thing. There was hell to pay………for Demyx.
You'd think being a cold, ruthless killer with electric powers would make her adaptable in the dark, right? Turns out, no. No, it doesn't.
"GODAMMIT!!" she cursed again, tripping over another easel. That art brat would be the death of her. She stepped gingerly around the easel, only to trip over a color wheel.
"FUCK!" she yelled, kicking it out of the way, only to stub her toe against yet another easel.
Larxene's stream of curses carried up to the top of the castle, causing Xaldin, who was polishing his lances, to twitch uneasily.
Nexas was still unconscious.
Meanwhile, the Gummi NoLess were at a loss. They were desperately trying to wake Zexion up and, in accordance with their master's wishes, had tried nearly everything: asphyxiation, beating him with a bat, beating a bat with him, stabbing him under the lung, cutting his wrists (which seemed to cause him to twitch a bit), snipping off a lock of his hair, putting a grasshopper in his mouth, et cetera, et cetera. Finally, they had only one other option.
Blowing him up.
They had went down to Axel's room and had stolen at least 57 lbs. worth of C4 from his dresser drawer and had piled it all around the knocked out scholar. They held out a match and poised it over him, when…
"What the HELL are you doing!?" screamed Startix, smashing down the door. "I wanted you to wake him up, not turn the castle into Wolf Creek!!"
The NoLess mumbled sheepishly and began gathering up the C4.
Roxas, who had accompanied Startix, sighed. "I still don't see why we need to make sure no one's sleeping. So they'll get a few bad dreams, so what?"
"This is more than just a 'few bad dreams', Key-Head. (Roxas raised his eyebrows at the comment) We're dealing with something worse than Freddy, Jason, Chucky and Leprechaun combined."
Roxas gasped. Now he was scared.
He snapped his fingers and three Samurai Nobodies appeared. "Just tell us what we need to do."
"Trust me, I have a plan."
"And Larxene fits into this plan……how?"
"Like how you fit into Axel's bum like a goddamned jigsaw piece—ARE YOU WAITING FOR A WRITTEN INVITATION!? GO! GO! GO!"
Waving them out with his brush, Roxas and his subordinates disappeared through a large corridor of darkness.
Lexaeus was……perturbed…to say the least. He had just finished a workout when the lights clicked out, interrupting his bodybuilding. Sighing, he lit a candle and left the gym. He planned to stop by Saїx's room for some mineral water, but when he got to his room, he was met with the sight of the Luna Diviner curled into a ball on his gothic bed, crying blood, barely illuminated by the flickering flame.
The axe-wielder said nothing, but raised his tomahawk and slammed the hilt into Saїx's head.
He awoke with a loud yell and whirled his head around the room, finally noticing the Silent Hero.
"Are you okay?" he said, still uneasy about VII's condition.
Saїx reached forward and pressed his hand against the large man's face, moving it about. He made Lexaeus VERY uncomfortable; pinching his nose, prodding his cheeks, even sticking his finger into his mouth.
"What ARE you doing?" the redhead said, surprise and confusion evident.
"No…hole…" Saїx said. He chuckled, then it turned into snickers, then finally erupted into full on hysterical laughter.
"NO HOLE!" He leapt up into Lexaeus' arms and began kissing his face all over. "NO HOLE! NO HOLE NO HOLE NO HOLE NO HOLE NO HOLE!!"
Lexaeus was going to ask his psychiatrist for a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig refund.
"Laaaaaaaaaaaarxeeeeeeeeeeeeeene!" called Roxas, the hallway barely illuminated by his light element. "Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarxeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeene!!" Roxas sighed as he slumped his head. "This stinks." he mumbled. "Why do I have to be the one to look for her?"
Roxas flinched and clenched his Keyblades as a small figure dashed across the hall. "Who's there!?" he yelled. The Samurai Nobodies drew their swords and readied their sheaths. "Who's there!?" he barked again.
Hissing angrily, Roxas formed a ball of light in his hand and spread it throughout the hall. He gasped and choked a little when he saw what was standing before him. Topping the ceiling, making sickening squelching sounds, was a giant Axel………………made ENTIRELY. OUT. OF. PENISES.
Blood erupted from Roxas' nose and he fell to the ground, X's where his eyes should be.
Nexas was still unconscious.
to be continued.........or not. I'll sleep on it~
Before I go off into my usual rant/intro into the next chapter, I would like to thank Wolf'sRainLover123 for inspiring me to continue this sickeningly hellish nightmare. Without that random, crazy happenouttatheblue comment, doubt I would've gone on with this. Again, many, MANY thanks, Wolf, and stay frosty~!^^
Okay, here we go~strange(er) things are happening around the castle and they can only get worse~from giant penis gods to Saїx crying like a bitch, one can only pray for a little bit of normalcy in this giant male-lita deathtrap~stay tuned for the next chapter of INO XIV. Comments are welcomed, flames ignored, yadda, yadda, yadda, input is greatly appreciated, OCs welcomed, blah, blah, blah...okay, I think we're done here~
Madness has returned after a long, long, LONG vacation, folks. Fasten your seatbelts and ready that iodine~ l3
And again, thank's Wolf'sRain~!! -hugs-