Title: One More Time to Kill the Pain
Rating: T (may go up)
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho. Quit asking.
Notes/ Warnings: Hello. Anyone who knows me from my other stories Welcome back. Anyone who happened to stumble upon this story: Welcome.
Now that my introduction's over lemme tell you a bit about this fanfic. It's a challenge I threw on myself. What I'm doing is writing a fanfic about Mukuro's past. Now if you read the summary, you would know that. I was reading a fanfic by W31rD0-and-Id10t a while back and she mentioned that there were no fanfics about Mukuro's past. So I though "What the hell?" and did it. And the reason everyone does Hiei is because too many people like him that much. Also Kusanagi Mamoru also a wrote one shot about her past. This chapter is really similar to that but personally I think she did a better job...
On criticism. Flames are openly accepted. If you want an intelligent reply from me, you start it off with an intelligent review. No "Mukuro sux. I hate u." or "You suck. Your stories all suck." First off, I won't take you seriously if you use chatspeak. Secondly, I'll slap you for saying Mukuro sucks when you're reading a story about her. Lastly, gimme a reason here! Maybe something like "Your grammar needs a bit of work, spelling too. Really out of character. This is inaccurate what happened was..." If you think you could write something like this better than me, do it so you can prove it. No one word reviews either. I'm not pinning you down and telling you to review. I just wanna know someone's reading and I think the hits can help me out. Just be patient if this takes a long time to update. My profile explains it.
One more thing before we begin, if I put Hiei/ Mukuro content (chances are I won't) don't get all "Hiei's mine, you bitch!" on me. It's not like that and never will be. It's proven in the Three Kings Saga and ask Togashi yourself and he'll say they end up together. Personally, I'll lose all faith in the person who's in love with an anime character. Well, let's start, shall we?
Chapter 1: Ritardando
"That day's coming again... Please... Don't let it come. Just kill me now... I don't want..."
Don't you remember who I am, Father? The daughter you used to torture? Or was it when you sold me into slavery that you forgot about me? It's too bad I haven't forgotten. And god, I know how much I wish I could just erase it. I don't know what gives you the right to let it go when I have to continue to live with the sin... Live with all the pain. But of course, you can't comprehend that, can you? It's a little too difficult for you to figure it out...
When did it begin? I don't remember? Why did it begin? The real question should be if I want to know what went on in that disgusting mind of yours when you made the decision to make me what I was. You used to tell me I was beautiful and that you loved me, yes. But words are only words. And I was just one of many that you had in your possession... You just liked to think I was special. You used to call me your pride and joy... That I were the only one for you. Like we were lovers...
Were you angry to find that you had no life to suck away anymore? I cost a lot to make into the I am freak inside, didn't I? So I just wasted a good investment in your meat factory, didn't I? So that one time you saw me making it go to waste it was more of seeing that I was wasting something that was an investment. It was more like killing the animal you were waiting so many years to sell off to the highest bidder. What did you do when you found I escaped slavery and became king of northeastern Demon World? Did you even know it was me? Did it ever once cross your mind?
Don't you remember when it started? Back when my eyes used to be empty? I doubt you even forgot that I was even ever in your hell of a house.
You used to beat me, your own flesh and blood. Beating me until I coughed up blood. One hellish day to the next, it still continued the same way. For every cry I uttered, for every plea for you to finish me, you beat me harder. Everyday I prayed that one day you would finally kill me. But that plea was never heard. So every day I gained at least three new scars mental or not. And every bit of pain you caused me was supposed to convince me that I should never leave you. I don't know the logic of that...
But that was only the beginning. The day I dreaded the most was my birthday.
I don't think I remember the days as a virgin. I only remember you taking it away. I hated my birthday- the day you would rape me. It was far before I even knew what sex was. I remember that first time too well. Even when I was that young, I knew that I should leave.
I was outside hiding from you in an attempt to avoid your beatings. Then you came out a smile on your face obviously scheming. I stared at you knowing it was the fear in my eyes that gave you the look of triumph. Instead of raising your hand at me like I expected you to, you picked me up and carried me to your bedroom. Though I didn't understand what was happening, I still tried to fight back like I did any of your other beatings. But no... I was overpowered.
After hours of intense agony, it was all over. You laid there stroking my hair that clung to the sweat on my cheek like I was your pet. I was telling myself to go away right that moment but my body wouldn't move. I was too weak. Then I realized that you would still catch me. It was no use... So I just laid there feeling as though I had been torn in half, and it was one step away from being there. I could feel the torn flesh inside me and the blood dripping between my legs. I laid there letting the tears roll away, not caring if I would get hit for it. If you did, I hoped that you would finally kill me. No, you continued to stroke my cheek probably thinking it was only sweat.
And then you kissed me with your sour mouth, that sourness I never can forget, and you told me you loved me and that I was beautiful. And that was one lie that fell out of the endless stream of shit that poured out of your mouth... Then you let me go free once again telling me you loved me.
Love? Is that what you call what you've done to me? The way you tortured me all those years? Was that love? If that was what all you did truly was, then I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. And frankly it sickens me how easily people say that they love each other... If love is real...
Those next years were all the same. And not one day passed without me wishing I was dead... Hoping that one day the damage would be enough to kill me. And just as I've said before, those pleas were never answered...
I remember the day I tried to run away. It was the morning of my sixth birthday. I ran straight out of the house before you woke up. I remembered thinking, Where do I go on? What if he finds me before I'm gone? I thought. Wait. I could just go into the forest. I just need to stay on the path. And I'll find somewhere else to go from there!
I ran through the forest as fast as I could. Just as I stopped to catch me breath, I realized that I left the path. I looked around frantically. Where am I gonna go now? What if I keep going and it turns out I went back home? I thought of you and what you would do to me if I came home. No, it wasn't home. It was more like a prison. Even then, I knew that.
"Mukuro!" Your voice called out in the distance.
Good god! He knows I left! I heard you coming closer. I knew that when you quieted your voice down that you sensed me. What to do? Do I run away and try to get away from him or stay and take the punishment? If I run away and he catches me, maybe he'll be twice as bad and won't kill me like always... If I stay...
"There you are!" you cried, that disgusting grin on your face. If only I could have killed you... "Well, I was mighty worried that you were kidnapped, girlie. And I wouldn't know what I'd do if my pretty little flower was taken away from me. I'd just have to get a few people killed. Yes, I would... But I guess you aren't my darling little girl like I thought you were. Unless..." You scratched your chin. "Unless, it was all a child's game. Yes, yes. A game of hide-and-seek. Yes, yes. Well, isn't that just precious?" And like the classless pervert I took you for, you took me right there.
You probably wonder why I let that happen when I could have ran during your scatterbrained speech. When it comes down to it, did I really have a real choice? If I ran, you would still catch me- you would always catch me... you always had a way to catch me- and I would have suffered that same fate. And I knew you were too stupid to notice I ran away for a purpose.
Or did you know and that was my punishment?
In truth, I was still a slave before you sold me away. I was your slave and from that day I thought there was no way I could escape from the chain that binds you and I too close together.
What if this is my fate? No this can't be my fate. I would kill myself first before admitting that I was going to be stuck like this. I would just have to defy destiny. And I need a way to escape you. I don't care if I die trying. I want to be free.
But how was I to escape when there was nowhere to run? ...Or was there?
I finally found my escape on my seventh birthday. By that time, I had just about given up all hope on escape. I'd already tried all ways to protest against what you were doing. Perhaps if you knew how your daughter was suffering, you would stop. I was wrong. It fell on deaf ears. In fact, it grew to the point where you just found something erotic in that whole situation.
I hid away where you kept your treasure wondering why you could do this to your own daughter- your own flesh and blood. Maybe I could kill you... No, you could kill me first. I refuse to run away again because I knew you would catch me again. Every plan I had you could destroy.
I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My dark blue eyes were red from crying. My hair was a dark red. My skin was pale from the lack of sun... And I looked like you. You...
I shattered the mirror, screaming in rage. I hate you, father. I hate you and this face you gave me.
That was when I remembered those words you pounded in my head. I remembered how you always told me I was beautiful. What if...?
What if I took the beauty away and made myself hideous? Then I would be free! But how? I looked up and I saw a basin you kept full of acid (I never did find out why you had that.) above me. That was it...
I piled some boxes together so I could climb to reach the basin. I reached up. No, I was still a bit short. I lost my balance. I grabbed onto the shelf to keep myself from falling but the shelf came loose. I fell backwards, the basin falling on my face.
Pain... Burning into my face... Going down from the right side of my face down my neck through my right arm moving down until it stopped at my waist. Through that whole time I allowed myself but one scream of pain but I wouldn't shed a tear. There was nothing to cry about anymore. The pain would all be worth it in the end. I remember thinking I'll finally be free... I just need to...
You came into the room. I knew you saw the basin knocked to the floor. "The hell...?" You came closer and turned me so I could face you. "Mukuro, what the fuck did you do? You look... What the hell you look disgusting! You're ruined!"
You smacked me so hard that I passed out. And for that one moment, I thought that I'd awake in a ditch somewhere. Anyone would think such a thing would be worse than death... But that only meant a thousand miles away from you. That meant freedom...
Escape? Freedom? I couldn't have been more wrong.
End chapter 1
EDITOR'S NOTES: Hey, this is me at age eighteen. I was fourteen when I wrote this and that was a time when I didn't believe in checking for typos. That was also a time when I had no real sources for Mukuro's fast except the anime and the internet. Now I see just what the hell is wrong with this. I dunno what compelled me to write this but I did... I tried to add something else along the way to make this work... It didn't work out. I tried my best to fix it up. The biggest problem is that I wrote this like Mukuro was the only one there. This obviously wasn't true. I also wrote Chikyou (her fucked up dad) like he was skinny... Yeah... Way wrong. (Hiei has issues with fat people, apparently. I mean- Tarukane and now...) Anyway, I tried my best to fix this... Some things were irreparable. This chapter, especially.