Title: One More Time To Kill the Pain
Notes: Last one guys. A good or bad thing depending on how you look at it. Anyway thanks a bunch for reading this whole thing through. By the way, tell my psycho fangirl to review my crap. I haven't seen her in a while. (EDIT: lol, you really are serious...? No, I actually wasn't.)
Chapter 13 Endless/ Epilogue
I can't look in the mirror anymore. I don't think I was ever able to look in the mirror, to really see the monster that looks back at me is. I can't tell who the woman (Or is it a man? I can't tell masculine facial features from feminine anymore. No matter how much someone may teach me, I really can't see the difference. It's all a big blur to me...) in the reflection is anymore. I look in the mirror and think, who the hell is that looking at me? What the hell is looking at me? What the fuck is it going to do if I keep staring at it? I see death in its eyes.
It's numb. I'm so numb. I don't care. Sometimes numbness is comfort. Sometimes numb can take you away and let you flow away to paradise. Numb is what death uses to take you to the next world. I don't know if I can enjoy this numb...
Still staring at this beast that looks at me from the glass in the mirror, in glass in general, even in water. That horrible thing that should just strangle itself. Sometimes everyone could do better without this gaping hole walking around... Then the thoughts turn to you. In truth, I don't really remember what you look like. I have a vague outline. But outlines tell you nothing, really. I remember thinking we looked a like, but I never remember the true image. I start to think that maybe it's your ghost, your spirit looking back at me. Is it you, looking for me in desperation? Are you looking for me to take back what was done? Looking for the forgiveness that I'll never give you. No matter what you do I'll never forgive you.
Just rot. Just fucking rot. Just die somewhere and have the animals pick at your fucking flesh. No, even that's too good. No, those animals would keel over in the poison that is your flesh and blood. Nothing's good enough for you, father. Nothing. Even your existence is too good for you. Your corpse would rot the ground where your grave sits. There aren't enough words out there to describe the shit that you are...
How far are you going for forgiveness? Are you sitting by the phone with your ear by the wall waiting for me to call out and forgive you? Are you there somewhere sitting in the dark wilting away? Or are you back to your daily chores like nothing happened, like you were always alone, like Mother and I never existed? Are you even alive? Are you dead now? Have you answered everyone's question, their quest for God, or a goddess or gods and goddesses? Are you that wandering spirit with me in your choke hold?
Were you the desperate man I saw looking for his daughter with the shaky hand holding the bottle of whiskey, looking to get his daughter to forgive you?
Do you know who I am? Did you ever wonder about the second king named Mukuro? Did you happen to notice a coincidence? A king named Mukuro who has his face covered. It's pretty strange if you even have the ability to think. I'm sure you must have let it cross that empty space you call a mind.
Not that you cared.
You never cared. No matter what you said to me, you never gave a flying fuck what the hell I was going to. All you wanted was that nice fuck at the end of the day. It's not your body that's being invaded. It's not you that was torn apart. Because you were the one doing it. And it never came back around. (Oh and if it could, father, if it could. You fuck.) You never gave a shit about me.
I've been told that Hiei's always glaring at someone or something that he's always angry. He claims that he's just angry, just like everyone says. A self-fulfilling prophency. I really don't see it. He looks more depressed than anything else. He speaks like he feels hatred for everything. There was something very fake about it. There was something very fake about his hatred. He doesn't even know what he's feeling. It's just like
There was something in his eyes. I saw it when I saw Skeleton Man's eyes. I see it when I look in the mirror. It was desperation in the eyes. He has the same desperation I have in my eyes. It's not exactly wanting to just tear everything apart to quench his rage. Just desperation... But desperate to find what? Something to relieve his hatred? But we can relieve each other's hatred one way or another. (Why am I saying that...?) Some beauty in the world, this world overloaded with ugliness?
But isn't that what we're looking for- a way to justify the suffering in the world? We say that if we suffer in the world we'll be given a good place in heaven. How many rulers have promised their fellow revolutionaries that they'll make their country a better place top be? But hell, in the end we all are fucked by life.
Why condemn us to hell? Why find a reason? We're all in purgatory now. Why depend on a god to make choices for us, to make our happiness for us, to decide what's right and wrong for us when we can do it ourselves?
Raizen is dead. I know that. I am too. Not physically but mentally. We both are. We're just living for nothing really. So why am I still living? Haven't I asked that enough times already? I ask that just about every chance I get. Especially before the few hours' sleep I get. I think for now it's my foolish pride enjoying my high position. Lately's there's been an odd force that I can't place.
I've been an outsider on emotions for years. All I've felt was anger and depression. What if I'm not angry anymore? What if I'm not depressed anymore? Now what? It's just the numbness from before I suppose.
Or am I just lonely? After all those years of completely isolation I'm lonely? You were right, Kazuki. No one can live alone. I just realized that, just like a fool, realizing it after it's all gone to hell and crashed all around your feet. It's suddenly come back to get me. I kept myself alone for all those years because that was all I knew. I didn't understand socializing with anyone but you. Even then, that was just a half-assed, no, less than that, that was just a fraction of an effort. You started me as a loner because you didn't want me taken away. It's taken its toll. I feel like same child staring at all the toys and not knowing which to choose. And all of them are broken...
There's nothing left to do but douse the emotions away... Just as I've said, I'm numb... And now I'm realizing that this numbness won't catch me. I'll just fall to my death as this numbness slowly ebbs away...
I can't help but wonder though if I'm the grim reaper in everyone's eyes still. (After all these years I'm asking that...) I wonder if I'm still the angel of death. Hell, who gives a damn? It's been so long since it mattered. All I can hear anymore is everyone saying, "Yes, yes, yes." I could tell them I'm a fool and I'd still get the unanimous, "Yes, yes, yes..."
So here I am, father in danger of war. But if I die, you wouldn't care, would you?
Oh. You never cared. No one ever cared about me. No one.
Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away
-Aerosmith (Dream on)
An earnest battle is the best regardless of one's capabilities. -Mukuro
Don't you remember me father? The daughter you loved to torture?
EDIT: Oh, that's a way to go out with a bang, a bunch of typos. Good jorb. Anyway, I've come to the end of this and I've done all I could at the moment. There might be a third edition, who knows. But I've done all I could. I should post the first chapter edited soon... (as of 10/21/10, it has yet to be done.) Anyway, thanks to those who went through this again and thanks to those who stumbled on this one.
I'm sorry for inconsistencies. Like I said, I've done all I can.