Snape: Severus Snape, your unfriendly neighborhood potions master, here to warn you that this edition of Adventures of the Fandom Heartthrobs contains spoilers for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows as well as Inuyasha manga chapter 518. Now bugger off.
Of Peacocks and Omens
Sesshomaru and Legolas were arguing over whose turn it was to do the dishes when Lucius suddenly burst into their apartment, all out of sorts.
"Blimey," said Legolas, for he was very, very British, "what's got into you?"
Lucius was standing there nervously, wringing his hands, sparks trailing from his wand in agitation, and most unforgivably, perspiring, something a perfect, God-chiseled creature such as himself must never do.
"I'll tell you what's bloody well got into me, mate!" he shrieked, for he was also very, very British.
"Careful now," said Sesshomaru. "You'll put a hair out of place. Just calm down and sit down by the telly," he said, which was slightly British and thus quite odd, considering Sesshomaru was supposed to be Japanese, but then he had been hanging out with these two blokes for more than just a few fortnights.
Lucius allowed his two friends to pull him onto the sofa, quivering noticeably.
"Now, tell us what happened," Legolas said gently.
"Well, there I was, just taking an afternoon stroll around my garden as usual when—I saw it!"
"Saw what?" Sesshomaru urged him on.
Lucius looked as though he were too afraid to continue. His voice came out in a tiny whisper. "The peacock," he said, and then no more.
Legolas and Sesshomaru exchanged a look.
"Um, Lucius, old mate," said Legolas, "your entire garden is covered in peacocks. It has been for years. Are you only now realizing how strange that it?"
Lucius turned on him angrily. "This was not a normal peacock!" he yelled. "This one was"—and here his voice dropped to a whisper again—"black."
"So?" said Sesshomaru.
"So? SO?!" bellowed Lucius. "You know I only keep albino peacocks. For a black peacock to appear out of nowhere, it can only be a portent of great misfortune, of highest calamity. I speak of course, my friends, of the most feared mistress of them all—"
"Kagome?" Sesshomaru guessed.
"No, you imbecile!" Lucius shrieked. "DEATH!"
"Oh, right. I thought it was one of the two," Sesshomaru said.
"This is ridiculous," Legolas broke in. "Lucius, we've been over this already. You're not going to die. Ever since the last Harry Potter book was announced, you've been afraid you'd be offed. But see now? The book's come and gone, and you're still here, aren't you?"
Sesshomaru chimed in encouragingly. "I mean, sure, now that your franchise is over, you're growing less relevant by the minute. Losing fangirls in droves. But at least you're not as obsolete as Legsy here."
"Hey!" cried Legolas.
"You're lucky, Sesshomaru," Lucius sighed. "A franchise with no end in sight, a new swarm of fangirls every time your series goes back in rotation... Well, I guess it's not so bad. I've still got two movies left!"
"There you go, that's the spirit," Sesshomaru said with a clap on his back.
"If anyone should be afraid of disappearing, it's this one, isn't it?" Lucius said, thumbing at Legolas. "No more books, no more movies. Sure, you'll coast on countless DVD re-releases, but how long until all the footage is used up and the action figures are in the dollar bin at the local thrift store?"
Legolas gritted his perfect Elf teeth. "Right here, you know."
"Oh, don't get your skirt in a bunch, we're just, to use a term you'll understand, 'taking the piss'," said Sesshomaru.
"Yeah," Lucius said, trying not to laugh as he added, "I'm sure ticket sales for The Lord of the Rings musical stage show will pick right up!"
"Very funny," Legolas grumbled as the demon and the wizard burst into laughter at his expense.
When they were finished, Lucius jumped up in exuberance. "Well, you're right, mates! I have nothing to worry about. That bad omen was just a figment of my imagination! Black peacocks indeed!" And with a laugh and a twirl of his cane, Lucius pranced out the door, whereupon Legolas and Sesshomaru heard the usual BANG! that signified his Disapparition.
Legolas turned a frightened face to Sesshomaru, who looked just as shocked.
"Did you see what I just saw?" Legolas said, mouth agape.
"Then," Sesshomaru gasped, "the bad omen was real!"
For as Lucius had swung his head around, they had witnessed in terror the unspeakable truth: Split ends, likely sent from the Devil himself, ravaging Lucius's formerly perfect 'blond do.
"Should we tell him?" Legolas wondered.
"Are you kidding?" Sesshomaru said, revealing his glee. "That pompous jackass, I haven't been this happy since I got my arm back!"